Let’s face it, Clubhouse footed ball enthusiasts.  Most of our dreemz is ded already, but the beauty of Week One is we don’t know FOR CERTAIN or how they’ll go about dying.  So, we giddy-up with NBC, USA, and Peacock Premium and WE FOOKIN’ RIDE again.

Friday Night Footy gave us a tasty opener between the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols and Rapidly Ascending Crystal Palace (managed by Arsenal legend Patrick Viera).  But recaps are for tonight’s thread.  Plus, I wrote this in advance.

Annoyingly, NBC is leaning heavily into Peacock, at least this weekend.  Only the Horrifying Spotlight Dance (Everton getting pantsed at home by Chelski) is on broadcast teevee, and even that is USA, not full NBC (12:30).  And dear GOD, are we gonna get humped.  The only player approximating a striker that is healthy/not-suspended?  Mystery box Dele Alli, playing a false nine.  I’m not even really sure what a false nine is, I just know that’s not a very good situation.  Comically angry German Thomas Tuchel will show no mercy.  I mean, he’s still GERMAN.

Streaming morning starts with the Dirty Cuntbuckets also known as the Redshite hosting Litre’s Mighty Whitey.  They might be leaving brown streaks in their tighty whities, anyway.  Avert your eyes accordingly.  The powers that be LOVE to get the Redshite off to a flying start, even more so than they like ballwashing Jurgen Klopp.  UGH.

I would like to watch all the newly-promoted sides, but both the Cherries (home to Villa) and the Robins Hood (away to the Bonesaws) are in the 10:00 window.  Boo.  Leicester/Brentford is probably the best watch for the neutral, though it might just be a fox chasing a bumblebee in an open field.  YMMV.

Sunday Funday is also Peacock-only, but the matchups improve.  You get Men Untied hosting Brighton at 9:00, followed by the defending champs (City of Men) away to Fronk’s Hammers (11:30).  All of these sides hve top half aspirations, at minimum – and play fairly watchable footy.  Because I love a good car crash, I really want to see how toxic Old Trafford gets if the Trashbirds go one (or even TWO) up early.  While Ronaldo pouts on the touchline.  GOOD TIMES.

Slowly but surely, we are getting our beloved sportsball back. Eat shit, summer!