Rum, Simile and the Lash: The FBI Raided My Snack Drawer (and Tuesday Open Thread)

I’m hesitant to write this now (late Monday night) because by the time this posts, some Weird Shit will probably have happened and people will be like “Why aren’t you talking about the secret DeflateGate video they found in Donald Trump’s underwear drawer?”

But needs must when the Devil drives, and boy is he getting comfortable behind the wheel.  To any young attorneys reading this: if a marketing person comes to you and starts a sentence with “We were thinking…” 1. thinking was the last thing they were doing, 2. clear your calendar, and 3. tie a stout rope around your waist, because you’re about to wade into an alternate dimension of pain and madness, Poltergeist-style.

EDIT: Everything changed. Updating as we go.

ACTUAL NFL NEWS!

*I give the Chicago Bears a lot of both attention and shit, because…um…well, because they are comically inept as a franchise.

But so are a lot of franchises. Really, it’s because I came of age in the Chicago area and still listen to the only sane sports broadcaster (Dan Bernstein) on the regular.

But this has gone too far. Schadenfreüde has turned to genuine sympathy. It’s been a shit week for Bears fans, with three of their top five wide receivers already crippled and questionable for Week 1. At this point, Darnell Mooney, Equanimeous St. Brown and Dazz Newsome are your projected Week 1 starters. That’s just tragic.

But it’s still early times; always an opportunity for another crotchpunch.

So when hold-in Roquan Smith (whose contract situation we discussed a couple of weeks ago) announced that he wants out of Chicago entirely, it came as no great shock. Smith accused new GM Ryan Poles’ regime of consistently low-balling him, trying to backload the deals to an absurd extent, and presenting take-it-or-leave-it deals. Poles, in turn, offered a deeply tepid and evasive response, highlighted by a claim that there are “record-setting pieces” within the Bears’ proposal.

He did not say which pieces those were. Maybe it has the highest ever workout bonus. Maybe it has a huge injury guarantee but no “real” guanteed money. Maybe his salary will be paid entirely out of Ginny McCaskey’s Werthers Originals reserve.

Conventional wisdom is that Smith is looking to match or top Shaquille (nee Darius) Leonard’s 5 year, $98 million deal. Under normal circumstances, I would say that’s a little high. But when you are a notoriously mismanaged, chronically underperforming team with a barren roster, you have to pay more for the same player than a contender. Give the man his money!

*Jets disappointment Mekhi Becton will likely miss a second straight season after suffering an apparent chip fracture of his right kneecap.  This is the same kneecap he dislocated in last year’s season opener. He still has one year left on his rookie contract, but after shuffling him from left tackle to right tackle already, the Jets may be done with him.

*New York Giants offensive line coach Bobby Johnson apologized for pushing a linebacker as part of a training camp brawl. Yeah, totally normal. Giants’ culture issues are totally resolved.

*The Washington Clit Commanders also did a totally normal thing, firing their defensive line coach Sam Mills the Younger halfway through training camp. Mills, who has coached under Riverboat Ron Rivera since 2011, was let go for what Rivera described as “a difference of philosophy”. So this guy who has worked for you for 11 (well, 10 and a bit) years, and developed under you tutelage, suddenly had enough of a philosophical difference that you shitcanned him during the most coaching-intensive part of the season? What new philosophy- nihilism?

“Coach, which drill should we do next”

“I want you all to curl up on the field and rock back and forth, contemplating the fact that your children will be dust and ashes in the blink of a celestial eye.”

*Marshawn Lynch got busted for DUI at 7:30 in the morning in Vegas. Color me shocked.

WHAT TO WATCH TONIGHT:

NewsRadio! Dave Foley! Stephen Root! Maura Tierney! PHIL FUCKING HARTMAN!

Yes, this was Joe Rogan’s start, and yes, it kept Andy Dick in the public consciousness. But it’s a brilliant and underappreciated show, and it’s now streaming on Amazon Prime.

Have at it, you maniacs.