Ah, German, the language of love. If ever there were a people inclined to have a specific word for taking joy in the misery of others it’d be the Germans. Also probably the Russians. You’d think the English as well.
OK, look, they’d be white.
Anyway, this week’s draft topic comes from frequent contributor Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, who suggested schadenfreude, but for sports. The rules are you are picking a contest in which a team you hate lost ignominiously. Or just by one point, whatever, the point is they have to lose. With an extra kinky twist, (is there any other kind? I bet the Germans have a word for it!), also courtesy of RTD, that you cannot include the game if a favorite team of yours happened to win.
For example while I can, (and likely will), take any number of Duke losses in various post-season tournaments, I could not take either of the times UConn beat them in either the title game or Final Four semifinals. But I will here remind you that that happened.
Twice.
Rikki came up with the topic, so Rikki gets the first pick. I’m writing this late, (did you get your wife to airport on time to fly cross-country and still get a bunch of stuff done around the house and manage to bang this out, (PHRASING!), on time anyway? No? Then shut it), but he fortunately has given me what would be his first pick, which I present here without comment:
“My top pick would be #15 seed Lehigh beating a #2 Duke team that featured a bunch of future NBA players including Austin Rivers, Seth Curry, and Mason Plumlee, Miles Plumlee, Ryan Kelly, Marshall Plumlee, Quinn Cook, Andre Dawkins (played a handful of games in the NBA), Michael Gbinije (drafted #49 but never played)…”
Rikki also gave me his second pick which, while I am tempted to take just to be a dick, I will leave to him to draft in the second, should it slide that far.
As for my first pick, I will take UNC beating Duke this past season in Coach K’s (I suspect we’ll see him again. And again, and again), final game at Cameron. Not so much for Duke losing the game, (which they did), but for Coach K’s meltdown afterwards, during which he basically told the crowd to shut up so he could keep throwing his team under the bus. It’s always nice
Think I’ve got to go with Novak Djokovic losing to the Australian Foreign Minister in court this year. If the Commissioner disallows that, then I’ll take Djokovic’s U.S. Open loss by disqualification for hitting a linesperson with a ball.
I’ll do 2:
Leafs getting swept by the Columbus Blue Jackets
LiVARpool getting embarrassed by Madrid
How did no one choose #16 UMBC over #1 Virginia? Did I miss it?
I mean that was a great upset, but is there anyone out there who really hates Virginia basketball? I thought it was fun as hell, but not because I hated Virginia; I just enjoyed seeing such a huge upset. So it was much more freude and far less schaden in that case.
6. Germany 7 – Brazil 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7IMPsyQg6k
I can’t tell you how much I hated those Georgetown teams-they got away with murder and the ’85 team was a ridiculous juggernaut. I watched the ‘coronation’ with some buddies and it ‘it’s just a matter of time’ and ‘they’re going on a run now’ but it just didn’t happen. Thank jeebus for cocaine and McClain.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiK-qcI5hW4&ab_channel=ESPNPlayer
Back in 2002, Ohio State hadn’t won a championship in a long time and Miami had just won one and was considered that year’s “GREATEST TEAM OF ALL TIME,” and they lost to Craig Krenzel. That was funny. I love it when “GREATEST TEAMS OF ALL TIME” in college football lose. USC loses to Texas, ‘Bama in the kick-6 game to Auburn, Miami to Penn State in ’87.
As a side note, it is funny how dominant Miami was in college football from like 1980 to 2002. They were always good and were fucking loud and annoying about it. What happened? They are like an also-ran in a shitty conference now. I kind of miss their dickish arrogance.
Thanks for the assist.
Oklahoma was the Big Dog and Boise was the Underdog-I love it when a big program gets its ass handed to it. The coaching job done by Peterson and the trickery made it all the sweeter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awAq_7S08o0&ab_channel=THExDETROITxLIONS
It was a crazy coincidence that I got to see some of this game live, because at the time I almost *never* watched any bowl games. I missed the hook-and-ladder to tie it but caught everything in overtime.
I was cheering for those feisty kids. My mother took me to buy a new tv and ran into a friend and chatted away so I watched it on about about 8 or 9 screens. I couldn’t wrap my brain around what was happening.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYscemhnf88&ab_channel=RyanG
Probably throw up while I write this. January 14 NFC divisional game. Remember the Saints were down 17 at one point rally all the way back to take lead 24-23 with only 20 seconds to go. Somehow Marcus Williams did the only thing that would allow a chance, he slipped over his tiny penis and let Stefon Diggs get behind him. Vikings win on what now is known as the Minnesota Miracle, real clever them folks up near Bemidji.
Remember the ridiculous hype over Dan and Dave before the 1992 Olympics? Dan didn’t even make the team, and Dave barely won the bronze in the Decathlon. Lolololololol!
Any time Aaron Rodgers loses in the playoffs
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EswOscHXIAUfntC?format=jpg&name=large
As a Packer fan, I approve this message.
Any particular one?
Gotta get the updated one in there
I’ll take any of the other times
I’ll take COVID personally infecting Aaron Rodgers. “Immunized” lol.
Even though it was th’ Stillers hated divisional rival – The Ratbirds – that beat them, it was still schadenfreudtastic to see Pretty Boy & The Cheaters go down in the 2013 AFC championship.
Because Fuck Tom Brady.
#14 Mercer takes out #3 Duke in the 2014 NCAAs.
https://media.gettyimages.com/photos/quinn-cook-of-the-duke-blue-devils-walks-off-the-court-after-losing-picture-id479931657?s=2048×2048
I think that was one my favorite days on KSK, right up there with the yellow bar shitting the bed.
I’ve seen it argued that this was a bigger upset than Lehigh beating them, which I do not dispute with any particular vehemence.
You can’t beat the Mercer Bears, you can only hope to contain them.
Or just give them a picnic basket. That works too.
Speaking of Bears, there’s a Bearistocrats! one that I’m surprised hasn’t been taken, simply for the sheer hilarity value of it.
All this talk about bears, I thought I was reading Buddy’s Grindr profile
5. Iceland beating England in the 2016 Euro. England fans were so absolutely sure it was *their* year, and instead they couldn’t even beat a country whose population they outnumber by 150:1 (56 million to 360k).
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c4JdrR-D-jk
I wish someone had superimposed a video of the goal onto Steve McClaren’s reaction, which is one of my favorite things ever.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XaW1hqqyEhw
I’m not control f-ing anything from vacation but I’ll take Brett Favre’s back breaking interception killing the Vikings’/his comeback hopes.
I reckon all of yinz were Eers fans on this day:
https://youtu.be/SyPu8AWpGWs
WVU beats Dook in the Round o’ 32 in the 2008 NCAA Tournament.
2022, The Colorado Avalanche beat The Salary Cap Circumnavigating Tampa Bay Lightning. (A Cap loophole that the NHL still has yet to address.) Also, living in Southwest Florida now, all the bandwagon Lightning fans who hadn’t heard about hockey until Covid can suck one.
(angry screaming and cursing behind the closed doors of Redshirt’s War Room)
“Alright! Alright! I’ll make the damn pick!”
(Door Flies Open)
Michigan over Ohio State, 2021
Was a mixture of schadenfreude and relief when the Nationals won over the goddamn, cheating, garbage can banging, Astros in 2019.
Didn’t make up for them being able to cheat their way to a world series win the year before, but at least it wasn’t 2 in a row.
I don’t know why anyone ever refers to them as the Astros and not the Asterisks.
Asterisks fan are the least self-aware people on the planet, and I say that as a fan of the Yankees and Cowboys.
My personal best was when my Blazers got to the tourney in 2015. The first round was in Louisville, so Gumby and I drove up from B’ham. Our tickets were right in the middle of the Iowa State fan group, but that did not stop us from cheering obnoxiously, to the disgust of one particular corn-fed Hitler Youth kid in front of us. The Blazers won, against all odds, and young Adolph cried inconsolably. We laughed right in his face!
Love the image. Is that Darwin? (From Amazing Adventures of Gumball?)
I’m not sure? I’ve had this one a long time, been waiting to have the chance to deploy it.
Now that I look closer at it, I think it might be an Angry Bird.
…my Blazers…
[runs off to tattle to the Commissioner]
It doesn’t conform to the letter of the law, but certainly to the spirit! And snitches get stitches!
No! Please don’t cut me! Especially not now, when my personal blood supply is perilously low!
“…laughed right in his face!”
Like a FUCKING LADY
4. Super Bowl XXV. Fresh off of having humiliating My Raiders™ in the AFC Championship by a score of 51-3, there was absolutely nothing in the world I wanted more than to see the Bills lose the Super Bowl to someone – anyone. And not only did they lose, they did so in the most heartbreaking fashion imaginable. The humiliation of the Bills in years that followed was nice too, but few things have ever soothed a sports ache so immediately and in such a gratifying fashion.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tp6JFQpbGoc
What’s funny to me about this SB loss, is that it’s the closest the Bills got to winning the Owl of the 4.
Hear, hear!
Since our resident NC State fans cannot take this, I will say that the Jimmy V 1983 Wolfpack NCAA win over a Houston team with two top 75 NBA Players (Drexler and Olajuwon). Not sure why I disliked Phi Slamma Jamma so much — perhaps that annoying nickname — but watching them lose on last second jacked up nonsense that miraculously turned into a post pass and dunk was immensely satisfying. I recall before the game one of the Houston players or coaches saying whoever had the most dunks would win and that turned out to be true, with Houston getting 1 dunk and NC State 2. Delicious.
I don’t suppose I could pick every game lost by the “Bean Town Tapers” from 2000 – 2008, could I? No? Awww. /shoves hands in pockets, kicks rock.
2004 ALCS. Especially after the 2003 ALCS collapse and the Boone walkoff.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ownBa0hI2Mk
I was wondering when this would show up. I guess too many people *also* hate the Red Sox enough to want it. Not me, though. I love the Red Sox. Uh, wait, I mean Dodgers. I love the Dodgers now.
I would honestly rather the Yankees never won in 2009 and have them win this game and then lose to the Cardinals. That’s how much I hate this.
WVU embarrasses Dabo. Dabo! DABO! in the 2012 Orange Bowl.
https://youtu.be/ifWyquykKXY
Western Texas (now UTEP) beating UK for the NCAA men’s basketball title. I think it was ’66
Texas (well, basically Vince Young) beating USC in the Rose Bowl for the National Championship. I never cared much for the Longhorns, but that day I was a FAN.
January 16th, 2011. The day Pretty Boy got beat by the Buttfumbler in the AFC playoffs. Good God that was so fucking sweet. Fuck Tom Brady.
3. Since Redshirt managed to swipe Luis Gonzales’ walk-off in Game 7 against the Yankees, I’m panicking and reaching for something I had with a 4th round grade: the final offensive play of the 2017 Cleveland Browns, who were helmed by the worst coach of all time, Hue Jackson.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b_RtkI6EUvY
John Daly winning the Open Championship (British Open) in 1995.
Absolute piss in the pool for old timey golf!
I love this one! There was sooooo much pearl clutching!
Yankees losing Game 7 of the 2001 World Series to Arizona
FUCK! Just as I was typing in my pick your comment popped up in yellow. Fucking hell! Took it right out from under my nose.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gNt3UuDTBz8
Fun fact: Taking things right out from under his nose is what caused the latest split between Ryan Leaf and Todd Marinovich.
It also caused a bit of friction in the Reid household. “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough, Tammy,” said Coach Reid.
Same thing Britt said when taking the car keys.
Not So Fun Fact: Taking a certain thing from right out under her nose is what caused Phil Hartman’s wife to blow his brains out.
YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!!
Since the rules preclude me picking Super Bowl XIII and Jackie Smith dropping a pass in the end zone to hand the Stillers a victory, I will pick Miami over Dallas on Thanksgiving 1993 that gave us this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rNQ4puNN5Q
Gettysburg.
Not a huge fan of George Meade or the Army of the Potomac in general, but man the schadenfreude when Pickett’s charge fell short was unforgettable.
Shit, if it doesn’t have to be sports I’m going to take the finale of the TV show Lost.
Definitely not on the scale of a SB, playoff, or title loss, but hearing the reports of Deshaun Watson missing passes and generally shitting the bed this weekend gave me that warm glow that only sweet schadenfreude can.
“Loser: Deshaun Watson
For the first time in 19 months, Deshaun Watson played in an NFL game and he exactly didn’t look like the $230 million quarterback that the Browns traded for. After publicly apologizing for his off-the-field actions to CBS Sports’ Aditi Kinkhabwala, Watson took the field and had some noticeable rust, completing just 1-of-5 passing for seven yards.
While the scrutiny for acquiring Watson considering his baggage was inevitable, the justification — in Cleveland’s eyes — was the talent upgrade that the player brings to the table. So far, they’ve yet to see that and may not for quite a while as the NFL pushes for a year-long ban in its appeal. “
Oh, thank you for the reminder of a pick I might have not thought of otherwise.
This was one of “the little things” that brings me joy. Spiteful joy, but joy nonetheless.
John Daly winning the PGA in ’91.
You can pick any popular golfer at the time as his opponent
The 2004 Team USA Men’s Basketball Team:
The Biggest Loser’s of All Time
They went to Athens with a roster of NBA All-Star talent. They also went with an attitude that nobody could beat them and they acted accordingly. Puerto Rico humiliated them in the first game (wait isn’t PR part of the USA?), with Team USA losing by 22 points, the largest margin of loss by the team ever. They went on to rack up three losses in the 2004 games, which is 50% of all losses by team USA in its entire history.
They came home with a bronze medal but they should not even have been allowed home. Their passports should have been suspended for some symbolic number of days as punishment. Every player on that roster should have gigantic asterisk next to his name that says LOSER.
I love it! Feel the haterade!
Watching PeyPey just totally get his shit pushed in during SB XLVIII was schadenfreudalicious.
Oh yea, baby… That’s the good shit right there…
Arsenal getting embarrassed by Newcastle to essentially take them out of the Champions League running last year was pretty sweet.
Nope, disallowed. Please see Lord Rhodes for your future assignment as an unpaid diamond mine laborer.
2. Tennessee Titans over the Kansas City Chiefs in the 2017 Wild Card game. Once the Chiefs went up 21-3, pretty much every single play thereafter is a schadenfreude explosion.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Agg73-6QOYo
I mean come on.
The 2019-2020 Leafs losing to the Zamboni driver.
The Leafs played the Hurricanes and both of the Hurricanes goalies got hurt during the game. The backup goalie getting hurt mid second period. There a list of emergency goalies and in this case it was David Ayers, who also was the Zamboni driver that night. David played in the AHL, so it’s not like he’s never seen a puck before, but he was also an emergency goalie there as well, so not a regular player. Oh and he was 42 years old when this happened and also is a kidney transplant survivor.
David let in 2 goals on 3 shots, but then calmed down and didn’t let in another goal, including shutting the Leafs out in the third period.
The Leafs were fighting for a playoff spot here, and the Hurricanes were not.
6-3 final score.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
https://nhl.nbcsports.com/2020/02/22/hurricanes-turn-to-42-year-old-emergency-goalie-vs-maple-leafs/
Edit for clarity
Bittersweet because who won but Chelsea losing to Man U in 2008 was superb. Oh the tears.
Chelsea losing anything is delicious.
SB III J-E-T-S… over the Colts. That hate was sismic
My top two picks are off the board, so I guess I’ll go with the Eagles beating the Pats.
Was unreal. Had Deci as a baby and had to fly at 6 am to Toronto the next day so I had to watch that solo at home making zero noise as he was sleeping.
Ain’t nothing wrong with that pick.
The 2012-2013 Leafs losing to Boston in the first round, after being up 3 games to none, and then being up a three goals early into the 3rd period only to lose in OT.
https://www.nhl.com/news/this-date-in-nhl-history-may-13/c-280611560
HAHAHAHAHA
One of the all time playoff failures.
Edits: for clarification on year
My only objection to that would be the Bruins winning, but thanks to my exposure to Canadien norms I am now of the belief that hatred for the Toronto Maple Leafs transcends hatred to fahkin’ Bahstahn, so no argument here.
Boston did lose to the Blackhawks in the Cup finals, so still good.
Yeah, I hate the Bruins more than I hate the Leafs, but Boston winning a first round series is no big deal, whereas the Leafs continuing their futility streak is just *chef’s kiss*
Well, this isn’t good news:
https://twitter.com/AllbrightNFL/status/1558906174040264704
All this energy put into the letterhead just to write it up in calibri.
It pained me that the Giants benefited, but Super Bowl XLII
I was hoping Scotchnaut could grab this one, but knew he’d have to get here quick.
Yeah, clear #1 overall pick for me.
I’ve no idea how you guys have so much time on Mondays. I just got here.
Alabama losing to Texas A&M on a field goal, vintage 2021:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MXiQk2zc60
I don’t have much love in my life but plenty hate. And I hate Gonzaga basketball because some girl who went there hurt me emotionally once and, since there’s been no mass shootings at their games, give me UNC over ZAGS in the 2017 final.
That first sentence might as well be the DFO Corporate Mission Statement.
Do you even need to ask?
App state David Jackson call with tv footage – YouTube
(for CTRL+F reasons): Appalachian State over Michigan in Ann Arbor
Muck Fichigan!
I was living in AA as an Ohio State fan at the time of the App State game and this was simply demoralizing to all the UM fans I lived among at the time — schadenfuckingfreude at its finest. That said, I would also accept MSU’s fumble return in 2015 that gave us good schadenkhakifreude for Jimmy Harbaugh, Kordell Stewart’s bomb in 1994 on the national tv with the immortal Keith Jackson on the call and of course the 1979 Rose Bowl where Michigan lost on non-touchdown touchdown from Charles White (only problem being that meant USC won and I hate them almost as much as Michigan). Yes, I realize this means I have hated Wolverine football since before disco died.
The 1990 NCAA National Championship game in which the UNLV Running Rebels beat Duke 103-73. This was the largest winning margin in a championship game at the time. I don’t know if it still is as I’ve stopped watching college basketball.
While I greatly enjoyed watching that UNLV team, I wouldn’t say it was “my” team. I can still tell you that names of the players (Larry Johnson of GrandMomma fame, Stacey Augmon, Anderson Hunt, Moses Scurry, and Greg Anthony) and will always remember Jerry “Tark The Shark” Tarkanian, the head coach.
Tarkanian, the man that terrifies Towelie to this day and is the reason he smokes so much weed.