[INT. A psychiatrist’s office. It’s dark, quiet, and soothing, in a sterile sort of way.]
[Slow pan to DOCTOR SIGMUND FREUD, who perches in his armchair, quietly contemplating the next question he’ll ask his patient.]
FREUD: Pleeze, Herr Thomas. Kontinue. I beleef you ver zaying somezing about … inner pain, ja?
[TAWMMY reclines on FREUD’S couch, staring off into the distance at nothing.]
TAWMMY: WELL DAWK, I DUNNO ‘BOUT FEELIN’S AN’ SHIT, BUT EVERY TIME I TRY TO FACKIN’ FOCUS AWN SOMETHIN’ GOOD IN MY LIFE, I JUST END UP ZONIN’ OUT. IT’S ALL FACKED UP IF YOU ASK ME.
FREUD: Vell zis iss qvite normal, I zink you vill find. Zometimes ven ve experience trauma, ve may not recognize it right avay. Zometimes it takes many zessions for someone to be able to develop ze necessary introspective zkills reqvired to reach ze root of ze trauma. Tell me, ven you find yourself angry or frustrated, vat is it zat seems to be ze sings you zink about ze most ven zese feelings begin?
[TAWMMY begins to zone out again. Music fades in softly.]
Hello? (Hello? Hello? Hello?)
Is there anybody in there?
[In voiceover] “The New England Patriots finished 10-7 last year under rookie quarterback Mac Jones, and then proceeded to get absolutely demolished in the AFC Wild Card round by the Buffalo Bills, who didn’t punt once in the entire game.”
Just nod if you can hear meIs there anyone home?
[Voiceover continues] “It was a disappointing end to a season where, quite surprisingly, significant expectations were heaped on the team after Bill Belichick went on a giant free agent spending spree in the previous offseason, despite the lack of a clear QB situation at the start of 2021.”
Come on nowI hear you’re feeling down
[Voiceover continues] “With such a high budget and lack of a deep playoff run, perhaps it was inevitable that a spending reduction would be incoming – and as such, the team has lost a number of key contributors from last year. Most notably, cornerback J.C. Jackson, a key piece of the secondary, signed with the L.A. Chargers, while offensive lineman Ted Karras signed with Cincinnati and Shaq Mason was traded to Tampa Bay. Offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels left to become the head coach of the Las Vegas Raiders.”
Well I can ease your painGet you on your feet again
[Voiceover continues] “Looking ahead, there’s no clear plan offensively – there’s nobody serving officially as the offensive coordinator – one of Bill Belichick, Joe Judge or Matt Patricia is going to call the plays, which is disconcerting and weird as all three men are not especially experienced on the offensive side of the ball. It has shown in training camp. The offense has been pretty bad at times through training camp.”
RelaxI’ll need some information first
[Voiceover continues] “The Patriots’ most notable offseason acquisition was WR DeVante Parker, who they hope can be the #1 receiver they’ve been missing for so many years; he was a fairly cheap gamble to take on, but if he doesn’t pan out then there’s not a lot of people who’ll be able to truly shine out in the passing game outside of TE Hunter Henry and WR Jakobi Meyers. The RB situation is probably the strongest it’s been in years, but teams don’t win Super Bowls by running the ball anymore. “
Just the basic factsCan you show me where it hurts?
[Voiceover continues] “Then, there’s the defense. Statistically, they had a good year last season, especially in the first two-thirds of the season, but with four losses in their last five regular season games – not to mention the historic failure they showed in the Buffalo game – there’s reason to be concerned.”
There is no pain you are recedingA distant ship smoke on the horizon
[Voiceover continues] “Pundits have questions – especially with Jackson no longer a part of the secondary. LB Matthew Judon was a beast last year, and he’ll be sorely needed – longtime stalwart Dont’a Hightower wasn’t re-signed and he may be done in the NFL at age 32.”
You are only coming through in wavesYour lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying
[Voiceover continues] “Safety Jabrill Peppers is an intriguing signing, and if the team can figure out how to use his versatility like how he was played while in college at Michigan, that could be an intriguing angle to add for nickel coverages.”
When I was a child I had a feverMy hands felt just like two balloonsNow I’ve got that feeling once againI can’t explain you would not understandThis is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb
Okay (okay, okay, okay)Just a little pinprick
[Voiceover continues] “The Patriots are in a tough spot this year. The roster isn’t notably better than last year – and the D is probably worse – the coaching staff is muddled, and worst of all, the AFC East has improved as a division.”
There’ll be no more, ahBut you may feel a little sick
[Voiceover continues] “The Bills will probably win it again, but even Miami could potentially have playoff potential, particularly if Tyreek Hill can play up to form and Mike McDaniel continues the trend of high-tempo, creative offensive schemes that got him the job in the first place.”
Can you stand up?I do believe it’s working, good
[Voiceover continues] “The Jets remain bad, but they’ll probably be a little better than last year. All said and done, the Pats will probably be battling it out for a wildcard spot, but they’re also going to need a lot of things to go right in order to make a playoff run happen.”
That’ll keep you going through the showCome on it’s time to go
[Voiceover continues] “For select diehard fans of the team who are still in denial about Tom Brady’s departure two years removed, this is likely going to be a tough pill to swallow. Change is on the horizon, and it may take some time for the team to find some equilibrium again.”
There is no pain you are recedingA distant ship, smoke on the horizon
[Voiceover continues] “If there’s hope for the Pats, it’s that Mac Jones can make another leap in his second pro season and get even more comfortable with not only running the offense, but being a leader on the field, much in the way his Hall of Fame predecessor did. That said, that’s a potentially crippling amount of pressure for anyone to handle – and many players have buckled under less.”
You are only coming through in wavesYour lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying
[Voiceover continues] “Lastly, Bill Belichick may be in the twilight of his career as a head coach, but he’s not done yet. Amidst all of the confusing, perplexing, maddening and controversial stuff he does with his team, not to mention his aloof, surly personality, he remains the greatest coach the game has ever seen. The Pats will never be truly out of things for as long as he’s on the sidelines. 10-7 is probably the upper range of this year’s team, and I think 9-8 is probably more realistic. The days of 12-4 and a first-round bye are probably over for the next several years at a minimum, and fans should adapt expectations accordingly.”
When I was a childI caught a fleeting glimpseOut of the corner of my eyeI turned to look but it was goneI cannot put my finger on it nowThe child is grownThe dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb
[Music fades out as guitar solo begins]
TAWMMY: I DON’T HAVE ANY FACKIN’ TRAWMAR. I’M FINE.
FREUD: Herr Thomas… you haff ze demeanor off a man vith a klouded mind. If you vant to speak about vat it is you are thinking about in your qvietest moments, perhaps ve kan make plans for vat to do vith you.
TAWMMY: JUST THINKIN’ ABOUT THESE FACKIN’ ’22 PATRIOTS, DAWK, IT AIN’T NOTHIN’. JUST GIMME SOME OXYS AND FACK OFF CUZ I AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’ ELSE TO SAY.
FREUD: I am affraid I kannot do zat, Thomas, as zose pills are for pheezikal pain only. Perhaps if you vere to return for another zession next week…
TAWMMY: WELL THIS WAS A FACKIN’ WASTE OF TIME! GOD DAMMIT, I’M NEVAH GONNA GET THIS TWO HUNDRED BUCKS BACK, JUST LIKE WHEN SULLY THAWT HE BAWT SOME UKRAINIAN CHICK OVAH THE INTAHNET BACK WHEN THAH WAHHH STAHTED!
[TAWMMY gets up and storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him so hard that the portraits rattle on the walls.]
[FREUD pauses, sighs, and slumps slightly in his chair. He then returns to writing furiously in the leather notebook he’s been holding for the entire session.]
FREUD: [in voiceover, as he furiously writes in the notebook] “It iz just az I have feared, and zis most recent zubject is no exzeption to ze hypothezis… It appears az zo ze Irish mind iz kompletely impervious to pszychoanalyzis. He appears to be utterly indifferent, kold and unkaring to hiz zurroundings, vith no introzpective ability to zpeak of. Ze only notable exzeption being hiz mention of a local foot ball team, ven his emotions kome to life in a very krude and unregulated manner. Zuch an unfortunate exiztence zat I have little choice but to throw up my hands and feel pity for zuch a man.”
[Fade out to black.]
LMFAO.. well done Sir.
Excellent work!
Well this is more effort than the Pats merit. Good job, maestro!
/wife is watching an East Indian arranged marriage reality show
Wife: “Do you think we met ‘organically’?”
Me: “Absolutely not-we met ‘Fair Traded-ly’.”
[dying]
Seems like Tommy should just post a TRUTH that he wants Brandon to hand Mr Kraft the ’22 Lombardi Trophy when he gives Trump back the keys to the White House.
imma laugh forever if grumblelord started another bambino-esque new england sports curse after removing brady
Liverpool is playing like LizardPoo imo
Damn! Great work.
So Sully got fooled by the Ukrainian War Bride scam too, huh?
Everyone knows the best war brides reside in Belarus.
This is fucking outstanding.
almost hypnotic, ain’t it? Fuck, I wish I could write this goodly!
As soon as I read “almost hypnotic” I knew I was going to see this.
I just stumbled across this. This may just be more for RTD and myself but this “Lea Michele” can’t read conspiracy just took a big, illiterate step towards daylight:
https://twitter.com/motivatefenty/status/1567210646944481283
This whole thing is quite stupid.
I love it.
It’s one of the most wonderful things in the world today and I hope it never ends.
To be fair, this is what she’s trying to read:
Fahckin’ awesome, Maestro! Go have a fahckin’ sammich, kid.
Tremendous work Maestro. Your magnum opus! MAGNUM LIKE THE CAWNDUMS I GOTTA USE WHEN I GET IT AWN WITH MY HAWT SKANK.
/dips five Skoal Bandits
//chugs 40 oz Mickey’s
///throws empty bottle through stained glass window of Korean Catholic Church
I’m pretty sure I got a contact high from reading this. Bravo, Maestro! Shine on, you crazy diamond
NAWT FACKIN FAAAHHHHHHHHHH NO ONE DENIES THIS
NO ONE UNDASTAHNS OWAH PAIN!!!!
NAWT EVEN A FAHKING DAWK-TAH!