Are you ready for a great year? It’ll be kinda difficult to top last year although as a Giants fan I can see some areas for improvement. Each team is facing questions as the season opens so let’s do a wee bit of that for the intros.
To The Games!
Saints/Falcons:
Will Jameis Winston be able to cut down his interceptions again this year? In seven games last year he only threw 4! He usually runs at a 1/1.5 per game rate. It looks as though Michael Thomas is a game-timer leaning towards starting although I’m sure he’ll be on a snap count-as are all players that are composed of balsa wood. Will he make it to the end of the third quarter? Will Drake London win Offensive Rookie of the Year? After Pitts there’s nothing to the Falcons passing game.
Niners/Bears:
When will The Unloading of Jimmy G finally occur? Will Lance get pulled if his play turns out to be sloppy? Camp observers say that rocket of an arm has a barely-functioning guidance system. Will the Bears offense be watchable?
Steelers/Cincy:
Will the Steelers wait until after the bye week to run The Pickett Fence? Oh wait, that’s a Hoosiers movie reference. I’ll leave the Pickett’s Charge jokes to you Civil War fans. The Bengali’s o-line has been addressed-will it be a cohesive unit though? Experience tells me these things take a bit of time. Is Cincy’s wr corps the best in the NFL? I lean towards ‘yes’.
Eagles/Lions:
Are the Eagles going to continue their slap-happy, run-all-day ways? Will Miles Sanders ever be a real threat to cross the goal line? Dan Campbell still has the hearts and minds of his players-will this actually translate into wins though?
Pats/Fins:
Does any fantasy fella want any part of New England’s O? I vote “No!”. Will they be able to improve on their 2-7 record in Miami? What will a Mikey McDaniel’s O actually look like? Is Gesicki on the outs?
Ravens/Jets:
Will Hallmark create another sub-genre, this one being “Gently Aging Cougar-ish Women That Chase After Football Players”? My erect nipples indicate that I would watch the hell out of that. Will Flacco put Hippo to sleep mid-game? You know the answer. Outside of Bateman and Edwards, will anyone catch a damn ball?
Jags/Commies:
Is the Meyers addition by subtraction gambit gonna lead to some W’s? How many gallons of sewage water will pour onto fans this week? What will Snyder charge per gallon?
Browns/Panthers:
Are you nuts? Picking McCaffrey first overall? Just throw your draft away, why don’t you? The Browns have some fantastic pieces of talent sprinkled throughout their roster but don’t you feel that The Watson Debacle has cast a shadow over the organization?
Colts/Texans:
Will Ryan have a career-rejuvenating year or will the wheels fall off? Their is no in-between. Will my prediction of Davis Mills throwing 30 TD’s bear fruit? Botanists everywhere hold their breath.
That’s the early games. Do a thing with your digits down below.
Davis Mills’ ESPN qb rating is 123.1 right now. Just saying.
Sharky knew. Good for him.
Nice job by Fields to lead his receiver out of bounds while there’s nobody within 10 yards of him.
Baby steps!
That’s true, at least he completed the pass.
/Xavien Howard barely touches P*ts player, and gets a penalty
Commentator: NFL is cracking down on that. Good call.
/P*ts DB does the exact same thing next series; no flag.
Same Commentator: Great non-Call!
Fuck off
Faux Joey Brrr on Twitter: “Put his appendix back in” / Twitter
Bailout BLEERGH redux for The Legend of White Mac?
The Bears could learn a lot from Bama… if you break the QBs shoulder the opponents offense won’t be as affective
Hockenson and his one catch for nine yards can fuck right off.
Michael Thomas and his one catch for 4 yards would like a chat.
Jets probably in the market for a new punter tomorrow, because this jerkoff just snap hooked another 20-yarder into the stands.
I know a guy. They just need to get over a minor off field character issue.
“minor”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlN3oEjMpUQ
Stray Cats weigh in-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZynIhCs27Xs&ab_channel=StrayCatsVEVO
Why did #ThePauls go for it there? Because they COULD.
Bears got a TD? I must really be really, really high,
It could be both
Yeah, but I haven’t taken anything yet.
I got you bro.
Now I am going to take something because this reality is getting to hard to grok with that last Bears score.
justin fields
only good if he moves
And nobody within 15 yards of the receiver
I mean who enjoys a dead fish?
I did not see The fightin Home Depots beat on the Saints.
Cincy looks better and committed to getting Joe Burrow killed by week 3
bears are scared to death of the thought of fields throwing on 3rd down
When he did he threw a TD
proof of the concept “scared money dont make money”
These Dolphins I call them January 7th, because they are man-handling a bunch of people who claim they are Patriots.
https://twitter.com/JohnFetterman/status/1569001629218910208?t=ru1LtWf3Wu6G-7vPfY0c6Q&s=19
Is Dr. Oz trying to lose this election?
I feel like when it’s over he’ll claim he wasn’t really trying to win.
The “stolen election” loss is optimal for continued grift. You think he wants to live on a GUV’MENT SALARY??
These crooks show Trump con these people, figured it cant be that hard.
Trump has shown you can take the plot of The Producers and apply it to politics and it works.
Fetterman is outstanding.
And there’s no way Oz didn’t jump off a tramopoline for that shot.
In normal circumstances, that would be a perfectly fine gag.
Is there a more Flacco stat line than 12-20, 0/1 TD/INT?
The line for milk in the middle school cafeteria.
I see where we’re at the part of the game where the refs do everything possible to get the P*ts back into the game
“Hey, some things die hard-whatta you gonna do?”
-Old Habits
Hehe-the Pats have finally reached the red zone for the first time this game with 5 minutes left in the 3rd.
Truly the dark times are upon New England*
*Except Southie. Not on their watch
Devin Duvernay sounds like an under-rated grape from northern France that litre would like us to try.
Patricia’s sweat stains look like Western Europe.
The Legend of White Mac. Game manager. Leader of men. Pocket presence. CAUCASIAN.
/potential ad opportunity
Announcer: “Hey Joe, when you’re not lying on your back behind the line of scrimmage, what are you doing?”
Burrow: “I bite into a Slim Jim!”
Announcer: “So…not very often then?”
Burrow: “Well, uh, no-not very often.”
Director: “FFS! CUT! CUT! CUT!”
Its a good thing Jaguars isn’t spelled with a D or O, since this team has neither.
I saw Doink in action, fucking with DUUUUUVVVVAAAAALLLLLLL
Do you think that Monarch is going to be as big of a failure as Lone Star? Or will it be even bigger?
I just know that I am NOT the target demographic for anything, outside of FX or FXX
The guy who does the voice for Dr. Venture (James Urbaniak) is delightfully interactive on twitter.
Brisset keeps lofting balls like that and Rivers will file for trademark infringement.
The Jags receivers are laughably bad. LemonJello will be swearing while dodging broken pipes.
Pre game teams all need a hard reset.
That comment I made about how we’ll always have the New York Jets? It also holds true for the Chicago Bears.
Do we really want them, though?
They are not even good comedy relief anymore.
I strongly disagree.
They are too predictable.
Listen, you CANNOT tell me that you anticipated the Bears getting penalized for wiping the field with a towel. Nobody can anticipate that! Even the refs were surprised.
Okay, I give you that.
Looks like I’m watching the wrong game for a chuckle or two.
Younghoe is still money
“As long as his looks hold out.”
-His pimp
Bears Down…by 7
Insurmountable. To be fair, 0-0 was an insurmountable tie
McCaffery has a more successful launch than NASA.
OMG Bears?!
unsportsmanlike conduct on the kicker holder
the chicago bears!
For wiping the field!
I’m heading to Riverside. Yay Steelers!
Say hello to Archie and the gang. But not Jughead-fucker still owes me $20.
Davis Mills has 10 completions to 8 different receivers. Two of whom I’ve heard of before.
I’ve got a Mills led DFS lineup. Figured it was worth a shot.
I told you the assistant ball boy had good hands!
Think this is my favorite AI rendition of Bearistocrat
uh…Boris DID call the P*ts not playing well in Miami
They never do. I have a TON of Miami D in DFS today. This is me watching this game:
Buddy Cole’s “dinner guests” look pensive.
Mixon can play on 4th and 1?!
Wife is a Bengals fan, also cursing at the screen.
It appears that the Jags still can’t catch.
KHunt all over the pitch!
Khunt, Khunt his here he’s there he’s every fucking where
Flipping back and forth between Carolina Cleveland and Saints Falcons.
Good quarterback play hasn’t been witnessed.
Baker looks particularly shitty.
https://twitter.com/michaelpRTD/status/1569003171791486978?s=20&t=I7F_On2X0Zmo-Kpp9UDkMQ
They’re in mid-season form already
the season has officially started
Black Panthers in disarray, I am liking my odds of abundant tix available for the Donks visit in November
McCaffrey with +3 total yards-am I reading that right?
Yep. You’re right, many fantasy teams drafted him in the top 4 and those many fantasy teams are in for a long season.
Did they play Burrow at all in the pre season? It doesn’t look like it.
Nope. Bengals Radio was just saying the same thing. He did have appendicitis though.
That’s right I remember that now.
Oh boy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI3Zi056PuM&ab_channel=aml
your Keeper decision at QB looks pretty damned solid!
Thanks. The Burrow/Chase stack looked mighty appealing.
Bearistocrat
Joe Burrow has thrown a bad hat trick.
Bless him.
a reminder:
in the best season of offense (two 1000 yard receivers) and quarterbacking by chicago (in 1995) they missed the playoffs by one spot to a team that was quarterbacked by jeff george
they are never meant to score
It’s clear this Bears game is so bad that the date 9/11 will live on in infamy
That sounds like a banner to me!