TGIF! So long, work week. As least Hines won’t remember Thursday night’s pupper abortion of a game. Never go full Charmslinger with your team folks. This week, on survivor island: Reservations!

Survival – Personal Edition

No, not personal reservations. Now that Nu-Aids is no longer a thing, dining out is a thing again. So much so that getting a table may be an issue in your neck of the woods or at your favoUrite dining establishment. But fear not noble commenter! I will not allow to you to starve to death while waiting for a table. Follow these guidelines to get that table.

• Money talks. Bribe the shit out of the maitre d’. No less than a Jackson here. Covertly hide the bribe in your hand and shake their hand while mentioning how important this day is to you and your fellow dining mates. Also, be prepared for this to be just lost cash. But no worries, we have more arrows in our quiver!
• The Pity Path. Break out that sob story and be ready to lie. Make sure the maitre d’ is not otherwise occupied, stressed, or hurried when doing this. You need their full attention. Also, make sure you are cool, calm, and friendly. You want to appear pathetic and needy here, despite your growing rage and impatience and biting hunger. Now, embellish the shit out of this occasion: anniversary, proposal (have ring handy for this one), recovery from illness, overdue reacquaintance, whatever it takes. Don’t forget to stress how embarrassed you’re looking to your dining mates for not having the reservation you claimed to have.
• If that stubborn stealing maitre d’ still won’t help you have one last option: Make a sucker out of the other patrons. Take that sob story to the other waiting patrons and convince them to give up their table for you and your dining partners.

And now you’re fine dining! Or walking out with your tail tucked between your legs, head lowered, with a stomach racked with hunger pangs. Order a SHAME pizza and endeavor to make all reservations far in advance in the future.

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Survival – Species Edition

Time to put the sexy in Friday!

Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to what’s most important: Commenting and drinking!