Wumbo Wednesday: TWIFY 2—Own Team Edition!

I was really looking forward to an LCS recap and Game 7 preview, because everyone knows that Game 7s are the best things in sports, unless your team is involved, then it’s a monumental stress ball.

But the only offense that came out of New York was the fans pelting noted humiliation fetish enthusiast Cancún Ted with the expected responses.

You can ask why no one pelted a beer at him, but then you’re looking 10 years, and we’re not stupid, the Fun Police (That’s what they call Yankee Stadium security) are right there along with Tedward’s security detail, someone’ll see that.

But yeah, that was the highlight of the series for the Yankees. It sure wasn’t Aaron Judge hitting homers (he didn’t) or Isiah Kiner-Falefa’s defense. When your leading hitter is Harrison Bader, it’s probably not a good sign. It took nine games in the postseason for the team to have more than 6 hits in a game, and of course that was the time that Nestor Cortes’s groin gave out and he tried to gut it out. (Don’t be a hero, Nestor, you didn’t get any outs and just gave up a three-run shot to tie the game.) Apart from Bader, Anthony Rizzo, and Giancarlo Stanton, who gets a ton of shit but at least shows up in the playoffs, the rest of the offense just didn’t show. And it’s not like one of those guys was shit-hot, batting .400 or something—Bader led the team at .333, which is good, but it’s not Bryce or Machado or even Jeremy fucking Peña. And I’m pretty sure most if not all of Bader’s homers this postseason were solo shots, maybe one was a two-run shot. By the way, he also made a pair of errors, because thanks to a Whose Line-esque left side of the defense moving around of Oswaldo Cabrera, who we love, but also did not show up in this ALCS apart from an inevitably back-breaking error (though he did have an important homer in the ALDS).

Speaking of, you know who didn’t have a homer in the ALCS? The guy who hit 62 of them in the regular season! He had one hit, which was a single, and he made the last out in the series. Which always seems to be a symbolism out, right? Austin Nola, Aaron Nola’s brother, makes the last out in the NLCS, Judge in the ALCS, Mickey Mantle in Damn Yankees, though that’s deliberate. Aaron, you know we love you, but you know we needed more than that from you. To whom much is about to be given, like the entire bag and it’s well deserved after fucking around and nearly getting a Triple Crown plus a home run record, much is required. Apparently some other people don’t realize that, including players, according to SNY’s Andy Martino. Would I have booed him? Probably not, though I do understand the sentiment.

Meanwhile, Aaron Boone made several terrible pitching choices this postseason, like Jameson Taillon in Game 2 of the ALDS. Or, knowing that Clay Holmes was unavailable (even if Holmes didn’t), going to Lou Trivino for one batter in Game 3. Or Clarke Schmidt in Game 1 of the ALCS, even when he got the double play in the bottom of the 5th instead of going to Trivino, the sinkerballer, when that was a stealable game that could have at least had given some slight moment of at least taking the series back to Houston and losing in 6. And then hey, if you still want to, Schmidt gets a clean inning, or if Trivino gets out of the 5th he pitches the 6th and Schmidt the 7th. Why are you using the lower man on the totem pole when right now is the higher leverage scenario?

And lastly, and certainly not leastly, the mental health coach was showing videos of the 2004 ALCS to try and motivate the team? You mean, the franchise’s worst moment, losing to their archrivals in historic fashion and spurring them to their first championship in 86 years, and you haven’t beaten them in the playoffs since then, and also since then they have 4 championships to your 1? Who in the FUCK signed off on that so they can be fired, out of a cannon, into Herald Square Station midday in August?

Here’s all you need to show the boys for next year. If it doesn’t make them want to smash skulls and rip out throats, trade ’em, cut ’em, get ’em out of here. That’s brooms they broke out, in your clubhouse, because all they need at this point is the ol’ hockey “You can’t beat us” chant. They’re not content to win, those sons of bitches like embarrassing you. So show some fucking backbone. Wait, never mind, Boone and Cashman will in all likelihood be back. This team will continue to get punked by anyone who wants to punk them, AND by anyone who they try to retaliate against. Fuck everything. New Yorkers (at least a large enough chunk) have to root for Philly now.

Fuck you and I’ll see you in February. You know how it’s bad? Tree hasn’t even put up a “congrats” video yet.

Okay, that’s out of my system, what’s in the news?

-In “Death Con 3” news, did you know that Aaron Donald was represented by Kanye West (sorry, Ye)’s agency? Did you know he even had a sports agency? Well, Aaron Donald isn’t represented by them anymore, along with others.

-Wait, hold up, did you know that the president of said sports agency, Donda Sports, is Antonio Brown? He’s not going anywhere, by the way.

-Broncos County, Russ is ready to roll. Whether Nathaniel Hackett’s job is actually on the line as reported, we may find out. Teh Hippo is now in a dilemma for MANDATORY FOOTBALL.

-Meanwhile, whichever Ford it is believes in Dan Campbell and the Fightin’ Knee-Biters.

-Zeke has a knee sprain, DNP on Wednesday, uncertain for Sunday.

-Bucs will have four starters out tomorrow night vs. Ravens, plus Julio Jones is questionable and Akiem Hicks is doubtful.

-Dolphins S Brandon Jones has an ACL injury, out for the year.

What’s for sportsin’?

Not baseball, World Series Game 1 will be Friday (PHI @ HOU)

Roundball Rock
Brooklyn’s Whine-est vs. Leicester Alliance (BKN vs. MIL) (7:30, ESPN)
LeBron’s Personal Hell vs. Denver Tysons (LAL vs. DEN) (10:00, ESPN)
Assorted local games

Iceball: Local listings

JV Roundball (pre-season)
Adelphi vs. St. John’s (7:00, ESPN3)

Please continue to laugh at my misfortune below! Especially because Team Momo crashed out in the qualifiers of Marble League ’22 (more details later, if I ever write the BattleBots Beaties).