Guttersnipe

If you can’t out-bowl ‘em, out-drink ‘em.

That was the motto of my first bowling league, which I will describe in the absence of a league night recap. I was placed on the DL last week due to a non-bowling injury (illness). Rumour was it would have been a healthy scratch anyway but that stays between me and coach. I know what I need to do better. In any case, my teammates and the sub got boat-raced right out of the joint. Tonight we focus on getting back on the winning track.

Way back when, near 20 years ago now, my friends and I had a stretch of time to kill in our small town with not much to do. It must have been winter. 12th grade or shortly thereafter seems about right. After playing a couple games of 5 pin at the local alley on a lark we decided to form our very own two team league and have it out over the course of six or seven games. The preliminary frames made it clear that my team was outmatched by a wide margin in bowling ability. In order to even the playing field we devised a complicated method of scoring that was so near to perfection that we were all blinded and rendered unable to walk for 6 hours after its discovery.

The standard rules of 5 pin bowling are fairly similar to 10 pin. The main difference being, obviously to some, the number of pins. Where there are 10 pins all worth a single point in the bowling be all know and love from the PBA’s many high profile events, the 5 smaller pins in this Canadian variation have different point values. The headpin is worth 5 points while the two next door are worth 3 and the corner pins are worth 2. This can force the bowler to use some strategy when picking up splits in order to maximize point values in case of a miss.

Like 10 pin, a strike in one frame adds the next two balls from the following frame while a spare adds just the first ball from the next frame. Unlike 10 pin the total point value of the pins is 15 points so a perfect score is 450 in 5 pin instead of 300. The balls are also quite a bit smaller, ostensibly to make it less strenuous but more likely because of skinflint Canuck alley owners. The balls are the same as a duckpin ball — about the size of a rolling melon, which is what we call a cantelope.


The main groundbreaking rule change adopted by our fertile teenage minds (other than the presence of high school girls to cheer us on because they also had nothing to do) was the patented beer multiplier. After rolling an initial, semi-soberish first game, our two teams would retire to the parking lot and, over the course of about 15 to 20 minutes time, drive as many cans of beer down our gullets as possible. The number of beers would increase your second game score by a factor of 1.4 if 4 beers were chugged, 1.6 if 6 beers had been quaffed, etc.

Since my side was down after almost every first game due to our lack of pin-striking ability, we would typically know roughly how hard we had to step on the gas at halftime based on the deficit we were facing. We, of course, also had to be wary of liquor-induced jelly legs. We learned early on not to add non-scoring whiskies into the mix. The other team, sharing this knowledge of the score and their own imbibing limitations, would have to fend off our fevered shotguns while maintaining enough sobriety to keep out-bowling us.

There was even a major cheating scandal when one of the opposing team’s members was caught hurling full cans of beer into the woods in order to inflate his score. Being a jackass-gate it was called, quite possibly. Punishment was severe. I believe it took the form of having to down an entire 26 of Fireball in one sitting. Despite this black mark on the game, it was so perfectly designed that the championship came down to the 10th and final frame of the last game of the “season”.

Victory was claimed by the alcoholic gluttons over those whose actions tarnished the soul of the game forever. Their bowling prowess no match for the insatiable thirst and irritated colons of our world-beating squad. It was the first and last season we played, most of us having got lives or ended up entwined with one of the bonny cheerleaders. The glory will live on, though, in our hazy booze-soaked memories.

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BC Dick
An aspiring nihilist who lives in British Columbia and feels nothing while watching the Seahawks, Blue Jays, Lions, Canucks, and several local minor league teams.
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Brick Meathook

I’ve been shopping for a new wallet as my leather minimalist front pocket wallet is just not doing it for me anymore.

I kept getting FB ads for the Ridge carbon fiber money-clip wallet (on top); it looks nice but it’s $125 (marked down from$140!). That’s a little pricey for a wallet, I think. Anyways, I goes to the Amazon and purchase a similar carbon fiber elastic-loaded hard shell wallet for $25. I received it and it’s nice, I like it. A few days later I see an Amazon listing for the same wallet from a different seller for $13 bucks! The pictures are identical! I go back to the Ridge site and study their photos (and I’m holding a similar carbon fiber wallet in my hands) and it is also identical!

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Crazy world, man.

So If you’re looking for a wallet like this the $13 one is identical to the $125 one and it’s pretty good. All made on the same slave labor assembly line in China. Flash this carbon fiber beauty with some money in it around a bunch of prostitutes and you’ll get your cocked sucked for sure.

My $25 pussy-magnet wallet:

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Mr. Ayo

I don’t carry cash so I use Secrid card protectors.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKW9JUzvJeo

Brick Meathook

dog be like “whoa . . .”

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Last edited 2 years ago by Brick Meathook
Mr. Ayo

Bark It Zero!

Redshirt

.

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herodotus450

Soft squishy bread too, not even a nice hard baguette

2Pack

Great story sir. Bowling alley surveillance footage would make an interesting documentary. Probably better than most of what’s on TV currently.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Redshirt

No way this was intentional. They aren’t going to declare war on NATO and start a World War by dropping one missile on a village of 710.

Wakezilla

Considering how many bombs the US “accidentally” drops on folks, let’s just say it was an accident and all move on. Let’s just say it was an autocorrect and that the Russians need to buy weapons from Lockheed Martin as a penance.

Redshirt

…and also remind Russia that the offer for them to just walk away and we’ll all pretend this didn’t happen remains on the table.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

*Lockheed Martini

litre_cola

Parking lot beers are in the top 3 venues for beers.

Sharkbait

Shower beer is up there too

Wakezilla

Shower beer after playing hockey is fucking incredible

Sharkbait

Hell yes.

Sharkbait

Totally forgot I made a random world cup bet a while ago.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I was with you all the way until I saw the USA bet…

Sharkbait

To be fair, I took them to qualify, not necessarily win the group

Wakezilla

I think they have a reasonable shot to qualify. Their gaffer is a fucking idiot, so it’ll be inspite of him

litre_cola

2 Fulham players, that says enough.

Wakezilla

Aaronnssoonn is a good player.

If the US was smart, they’d fire Greggggggg and then hire Marsch for ’26. I bet the Yanks would make it to the semis

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Time for wine and steak.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tonight’s wine is a boxed red blend from Trader Joe’s. The steak is a sirloin that has been cooking at 128° for the last 9 hours.

Sharkbait

I’ll be over in 30

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[clutches box of wine to chest]

Okay but it’s BYOB.

Sharkbait

I can handle that. We can work on the book, of which I’m neglecting.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If not for the wine we’d actually be having Coton de Tulears, because we have passionfruit.

Gumbygirl

You were going to eat dogs? Little white, fluffy dogs? MONSTER!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s a cocktail. Probably my favorite of the canine-themed ones we’re working on.

Gumbygirl

That’s a relief!

blaxabbath

It good?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The box wine was inoffensive to a fault. The steak was fine, but I’ve made better. Not my finest night in the kitchen.

BugEyedBoo

Since we don’t have any after-action report, I’ll do a couple short items.

No-tap: there are tournaments and leagues where a 9 equals a strike. Makes a big difference.

Sandbagging: my youngest brother (asshole in a previous story) was firmly convinced that sandbagging was a legitimate bowling strategy. That if he could bowl a little better every week, it would be worth a few games throughout the season. His problem was that he didn’t have enough bowling skill to make it work.

I effectively bagged one season, when I decided to go to a hook in the middle of the season. When that finally clicked my 150’s turned into 180’s.

Horse’s ass trophy: I bowled with a coworker who would just fume, totally furious, if he screwed up on the lane. The problem was he wasn’t good enough to not screw up. So he would be over there stewing a lot, and sucking the fun out of the room. Also on the team with me was my brother, who gets joy in life from continually fucking with people. My brother won the horse’s ass trophy, but according to folks I talked to afterwards it was down to the wire between those two. My brother thought it was the awesomest thing ever.

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Last edited 2 years ago by BugEyedBoo
Gumbygirl

We always had a no-tap night in our league, I think around Christmas. That was always fun. My sister and her husband ran a social club in their town, that Gumby always called the Sons of Ignorance. They had one of those mechanical bowling machines, and there was an extremely competitive league. It’s a fun game, you don’t see a whole lot of them anymore, but Yinzers love them.

BugEyedBoo

One of those electric shuffleboard bowling machines? The whole world loves them!

Gumbygirl

Yes, they are mad cool!

ballsofsteelandfury

Every Guttersnipe night is a good night.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Honestly, all the kontent was great today.

Wakezilla

I sure hope that after the incident, you guys called him Cheatin’ Fireball so much as a reminder that he cheated and had to drink a ton of Fireball, that everyone in his town only know him as that now

Last edited 2 years ago by Wakezilla
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like to imagine that they all drank so much Fireball that night that nobody actually remembers *who* was the one who cheated. Like an “I Know What You Did Last Summer” sort of thing.

King Hippo

Such disgusting abuse of sacred alcohol. You were right to punish said jackass in a way he wouldn’t soon forget.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, no, you weren’t paying attention – they punished him in a way he wouldn’t remember.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There was even a major cheating scandal when one of the opposing team’s members was caught hurling full cans of beer into the woods in order to inflate his score.

If I’d been caught doing this I would have just insisted that had I thought I’d seen Ted Cruz in the woods, peeking out from behind a tree, obviously jealous that we were having so much fun and he wasn’t invited. I bet everyone would have patted me on the back for doing the right thing.

Horatio Cornblower

I mean, it did happen in Canada, which did give us Ted Cruz.

Lousy Canuck bastards.