I may be a Secret Southerner.
I was thinking about this the other day as I was drinking Dr. Pepper, eating Mac and Cheese, and watching SEC football.
Honestly y’all, it scared me.
Holy shit, I just realized I say “Y’all” all the time!
I believe it all started way back when I was a little kid living in the north of México and traveling through Arizona a lot. Hell, it could have been instilled in me prior to that, but I think that’s when it really solidified.
Here are the reasons why I think I’m a Secret Southerner:
1 – I like my Dr. Pepper both cold AND hot!
Wait, you’re telling me you have never heard of Hot Dr. Pepper? I was introduced to it in Arizona by a waitress that, when I ordered Dr. Pepper, casually said, “Would you like that hot or cold?”
I tried it. Let me tell you, that was deefuckinglicious! I’ve heard it’s mostly a Texas thing, but Texas is technically part of The South (even though they are Texans first, Southerners second, and Americans a distant third).
2 – I use Southern sayings all the time.
I tell you what, I ain’t gonna lie, I honestly love to say Yes Ma’am and Yes Sir and Howdy and How Y’all Doing? and Did All Y’all go there?
It feels very comfortable to say these phrases. Specially when you add a little drawl to them.
3 – I am BIG on manners.
I open doors for people. I say Please and Thank You. I know the importance of a Thank You Note. I RSVP promptly whether or not I’m able to attend. If I say I’m going, I’m GOING. I believe in bringing something to someone’s house if you’re visiting.
4 – I absolutely adore Southern food.
Not just the “famous” Southern foods. I don’t think there’s a Southern food I dislike. I consider Mac n Cheese a vegetable. Give me Sweet Potato Pie AND Pumpkin Pie AND Pecan Pie. Love me some collared greens, biscuits and gravy, hash browns, Frito Pie, Little Debbie snacks, etc. And I haven’t even gotten started on barbecue…
5 – Blonde Southern Belles are my Kryptonite.
As Don T famously says, “Uf!” Seriously, this woman speaking in a Southern or Texas accent is the perfect gal for me:
I would commit seven different kinds of felonies for that girl. Speaking of,
6 – I like Country music.
I’ve mentioned this before. I first got into country music when I was very young. My favourites are the artists from the 70s and 80s.
7 – I think these guys are funny:
Here are a few more random ones:
- I believe the back of a pickup truck is a perfectly valid place to sit when you’re going for a ride.
- Bonus points if you sit on the wheel well.
- I think a beer koozie is one of the greatest inventions of mankind.
- I believe fire is both an appropriate way of disposing of stuff and a source of warmth.
- I like warm plaid shirts.
- I believe jeans should have buttons and should never be washed.
- I believe cowboy boots can be work wear, casual wear, and formal wear. Just not the same pair.
- I think anything can be made edible if you cook it for the right amount of time and put the right sauce on it.
I think I might be ready for this!
I think I have what it takes. What d’y’all think?
Well , Bless Your Heart!
How many car parts are scattered on your lawn? Do you use ‘Bless your heart’ as an insult?
That map needs to expand the y’all area, it definitely includes all of Maryland and parts of Chicago
I do use Bless Your Heart as an insult, as necessary.
I got 16 on the Southern food thing and I’ve never lived outside of CT, which is like the anti-South.
As a Son of the South, can confirm CT’s status!
Great Southern rock song, they use “I’mma” perfectly:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Qz0m5IYh10
FERGET, HAYELL!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEKMED-_2QQ
Once again, the NFL stands for the No Fun League.
https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/nfl-takes-drastic-action-browns-bills-moved-to-detroit-due-to-epic-snowstorm-set-to-hit-buffalo/
Yeah, I can’t possibly boooooooo this enough.
Yeah, also it screws Buffalo because Cleveland’s fans are closer to this “away game”.
Far be it from me to defend the NFL, but there’s a big difference between “playing in a blizzard” and “playing while Mother Nature attempts to wipe out mankind by dumping 4′-6′ of snow on the ground at once.”
Well, here’s a song for ya, Balls…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVwCAK-dyBo
Here’s a whole album!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DsoPp3f5P_M&list=PLKjjIa7cwTkLjt_cAAd44Ceanym8oR8WE
23/39, although some of the items are pretty nasty (boiled peanuts), and I’m not eating them again if I can help it.
4/39. Though I’m not sure if the frog counts since I had it in France
34/39. I love boiled peanuts! No squirrel, chitlins, souse, or pickled pigs feet, but I’ve had everything else. Gumby has had everything except souse.
I guess ‘nasty’ might have been a little strong, but IIRC it tasted to me like a pinto bean boiled in water. Not much flavor at all.
Souse and boiled peanuts are the only items on that list that I’ve tried and will not try again.
Some people make them better than others. The trick is what they boil them with- spices and stuff. They can be really bland. There was a guy in Florida near Gainesville that made the best I’ve ever had. He put all kinds of stuff in, they were kind of spicy. And he didn’t make huge batches, so they cooked without getting mushy.
Loved chitlins
Yew WUD, ass eater!!!111
11, most notably rice & beans because ¡por favor!
Score of 26. Both proud/not proud of that score.
I really had to argue with myself, then finally look it up, what ‘poke salad’ is, because in my head, it’s Hawaiian and no need to say ‘salad’ at the end. I was wrong about that.
With that said, I’m like 37/39.
Poke sallet is a plant, kind of like spinach. It’s poisonous if not handled carefully, but there are people who know what to do with it. My next door neighbor in Birmingham used to make it, with warm bacon dressing. It tasted kind of a cross between spinach and a more bitter green, like turnip greens. Hers was good.
I would probably eat a shredded tire with warm bacon dressing and ask for more.
That’s a certified salad at NASCAR races.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyXHxh3Sye0
I actually like boiled peanuts!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2jyzIrzs5Y
All right, all right, save it for the Request Line (that I just jotted down as a topic).
https://youtu.be/eeEDGKeapTo
In Southwest Ohio, it’s “y’all”. “You all” is acceptable. “You” is singular tense. . And “you guys” is just plain wrong.
Ahem
I said SW Ohio, not NW Oregon! Besides, I would never disrespect Sloth.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAvdP4dTQc4
Even though I have seen this movie countless times, I will still click play and quote every gotdamn line to this clip.
Man, I miss Andrew Luck.
That’s why the good lord gave us yinz!
what about “yous guys”?
Acceptable if drunk.
Yez is the preferred nomenclature. The “Jersey” is mighty hard to kick once you lived there.
“Alla yez” being the proper sentence structure.
Born and raised in the Midwest. After having been in the Army for about 5 years my parents were visiting my newly wed wife and I at Fort Bragg. When I mentioned to my Mom that I was “fixin” to do something she noted that I now spoke very differently. She said the same thing happened to an uncle who was career Airforce. Probably because such a high portion of bases are in the south. Milder weather is better for training and flying. She thinks that military folks all evolve into a southern style of speaking. I reckon she may be on something.
“Fixing to” is a very useful and precise verbal construct. I use it all the time!
ditto with ” ‘pert near”
In the north of Ontario it’s ‘prit near’.
Gumby and I will be married 40 years on Saturday. We spent 25 of those years in the South. South Carolina, Virginia, Georgia, Florida, and Alabama. Longer than we ever lived in PA. There were many things we loved, but now, with the toxic state of politics in this country, I doubt we’ll even go back to visit. Blue state for life!
Honestly, I think the biggest divide in this country is not conservative v liberal or blue v red.
It’s rural v urban/suburban. There is no consideration at all for what rural folks have to deal with on a daily basis and the challenges they face.
The Republicans have seized on that and are at least addressing them. The Democrats act like they don’t exist or don’t matter.
Addressing them how? By refusing to expand the Affordable Care Act, until forced to by the voters, by constantly cutting school funding and pushing teachers out of the profession, by threatening Social Security and Medicare every chance they get? I used to think that too, now I know better. They deliberately prey on the fears and racism of the poorly educated and wilfully stupid, and rely on blue states to fund them. I’m not willing to give this shit a pass anymore. It’s not just red team vs blue team, it’s right vs wrong, good vs evil.
I lived in bright blue southern cities that did the best they could for the people, despite their horrendously shitty republican state governments. I feel bad for those good people, but I’m not willing to spend a dime that could potentially benefit the racist fatcats in Montgomery.
You forgot “setting the table for the opioid crisis”.
Oh yes, that too.
And the “othering’ of people, especially immigrants. This country and our economy would not survive without them, but try telling that to people who have been brainwashed by Fox and the Repubs.
concerning ‘othering’:
“…sin, young man, is when you treat people like things. Including yourself. That’s what sin is.”
-Granny Weatherwax
I believe the back of a pickup truck is a perfectly valid place to sit when you’re going for a ride.
Don’t say it… don’t say it…
Yes, that too.
Curiously, I’ve done it in the cab of a pickup truck but never the bed.
And it wasn’t actually my own pickup truck (even though I owned one for many years).
Yeah, so did Chris Henry.
What do you call soft drinks?
Dr. Pepper
They call me MR. PIBB!
Julius Thomas
Total side note: I fostered a rescue cat two weeks ago, she has now gone thru the adoption system and is ready for her forever home. If you happen to live in or near Portland and you find yourself wanting or needing a cat, Comet is a very sweet girl who deserves to live a full happy life with someone.
https://adopt.adopets.com/pet/9518f134-5995-4496-8e87-899f26b7f229?tracking=8bbfcd50-0e75-401c-bd46-dd2adfa2f98c
She’s so cute! I wish I could, but with our current Empress of the Condo her life would not be happy nor full (unless you count full of hissing & vicious attacks).
My Henry would probably be ok with it, he’s had brothers and a sister before, but with Gumby’s dad having so many health problems, and SIL’s having to spend time in Merced, we have to leave him alone a few days at a time while we help his sister, who has three cats and a dog at her house. We have a two day feeder, but I fucking hate that we have to do it. I couldn’t manage with another cat right now.
That’s a panther. Look at the mouse! Craigslist might let pass those scale shenaningans tho. Good luck.
KITTY! If I ever cut back on my traveling I will get a cat ASAP, but right now I’m out of town too much to be fair to the cat
Posted elsewhere by a Beatles fan that is much smarter (and, as a Colt’s fan I can only imagine much fatter) than I…
“Saturday, Coach Bill Cowher’s throwing shade your way,
Now it looks as though you’re here to stay,
Oh, I believe in Saturday
Suddenly, I’m like twice the fan I used to be,
Beating Vegas has won over me,
Oh, Saturday, forget TV
Why …Reich… had to go,
I don’t know, that’s on Irsay,
But half the season’s gone,
Now he longs for Saturday.
Saturday, football’s not an easy game to play,
Matty Ice needs guys to clear the way,
Who better than Jeff Saturday?
Mmmm…. mmm…. Mmm…..mmm…”
&, on a related note for you Paul fans, the short film “Scrambled Eggs” is pretty good. I liked it.
I just sang this to Gumby. He loved it, the cat is …unsure.
No “yinz guys”?
C’mon, man….
No mention of loving Sweet Tea is very suspect.
Request denied, you carpetbagger.
Or Mint Juleps?
Also yes
I thought it was implied.
But yes, I LOVE sweet tea.
Request granted!
Manners are what separate adult citizens from despicable homunculi. Hold doors, say please / thank you, let folks talk without interruptions, and most important.
For the love of GAWD, bring something if invited to someone’s home. A bottle, six-pack, appetizer, pastries, dessert, anything to ward off freeloadin’ vibes.
And NEVER decline jumpstarting someone’s car. This is even more important.
I have never seen men more eager to help out with something than when requested to push a car for the purpose of roll-starting it. You could interrupt a mob execution to ask for help and they’d be like “sure, we’d love to! We’ll finish this later.”
I had a car in Scotland that frequently needed to be started that way. I can attest to the truth of this. Scottish guys would magically appear out of nowhere to give me a running start! Pop that clutch, and off I’d go.
The Secret Squirrel car mentioned above had a problem with the ignition switch, where it wouldn’t engage the starter switch. I always made sure I’d park on a hill to start it, if possible.
Learned early on how to push start a hooptie. Essential barracks rat skill right there Buddy.
Moral obligation to jump start a stranger story. My Secret Squirrel Datsun had a problem where when it got really cold the hood latch would stick open, and I’d have to crawl under the car and wiggle the cable with a pair of pliers or whatever until the engine heat plus my fucking with it would work it loose and it would finally close. So I’m going out to my car to drive to work and it feels like it’s 100-below or something. And some Asian guy whose English isn’t so good asks me for a jump. “Can we just push start your car?” He doesn’t get what I’m saying. *sigh* fine. Pop the hood and give him a jump. He goes on his merry way, and I’m lying on my back in the snow trying to get my hood to close. One for the plus side of my upcoming reincarnation I guess, but I really didn’t want to mess with the car that day.
My dad had an Opel, in around 1970? He ran into something (hippie on a bicycle, I think!) and the hood and hood latch had to be replaced. For the 9 months he waited for the parts to come from Germany, the hood had to be wired shut. Did I mention it was an Opel? There has never, in the history of the automobile, been a bigger oil burner. He would need at least a quart every time he got gas. We used to watch the guys at the Gulf station fight over who had to come out and undo the wire to put oil in!
One for the mechanics and engineers. When I was in the Army a guy who lived down the hall was rebuilding an Opal, and he decided he didn’t really need a torque wrench when it came time to put the head back on.
Me: I’m not a mechanic, but, uh, don’t you need a torque wrench for that?
Him: nah, just tighten them up evenly across from each other.
Me: okay…
When he got it on the road it lasted about a day, then he got to rebuild it all over again.
As for Opals and oil, my wife has stories about a Rabbit her dad owned that had blown out an oil ring or something. Blue smoke everywhere, and whenever she got gas she had to do that quart of oil thing, plus wipe the oil off the back window.
Of fucking course the apps for the world cup are a security nightmare
https://www.nrk.no/sport/everyone-going-to-the-world-cup-must-have-this-app—experts-are-now-sounding-the-alarm-1.16139267
RIP Wakezilla’s phone
He needs a burner.