Remember that old SNL sketch “Fecal Matter with your Host, Doug Fecal”? No? Yeah I figured it was just me. It was a solid (heh) talk show format with a specialized host and topic. Well, we ain’t exactly doing Pod Flies Open around here, but what about in written form, maybe say like a mix between Doug Fecal, Jack Handey, Balls’ 25 questions, Rev’s take on Larry King, and I don’t know, my own fucked up mind? With that backdrop I present to you the ninth edition of a potentially recurring irregularly scheduled Random Thoughts with BFC! Now also (occasionally but not today) in open thread form! If you want to make this interactive, drop a note/question/bon mot in the comments ala my old Mouth Flies Open attempt at an advice column.
- Good evening. Or morning. Or afternoon. Who knows with how dark it gets early now.
- As you may have heard, this little corner of the internet we call DFO/home has now clocked more than 1 million comments. Conservatively, 10% of those have to be old Moose gifs. I’m apparently responsible for roughly 2.4% of them, so that estimate may actually be low. Check out the comments in internet dad’s milestone post for a little sappiness, as it always nice to have a reminder that the people here really are great.
- Speaking of the wonders of the internet, I have deleted the twitter app off of my phone. I haven’t been able to bring myself to nuke my account straight out because, well, honestly it’s the best way to get quick customer service responses from United, FedEx, et al. At least I know I’m being a hypocritical little bitch about it.
- The reason I’m sharing it with you all, though, is because this post previously included a shitload of tweets I’d enjoyed. Now instead of getting viral TikToks on a 1 week delay on Twitter, I’m getting viral tweets and viral TikToks on a 2-5 day delay on instagram. Where’s that goddamn meteor? Or those oft discussed nukes?
- Ah, that takes me back.
- I can still find some fun stuff on the internet without giving Space Karen my clicks. Did you see the names for Ohio’s new snow plows? My favorite is Ctrl-Salt-Delete. No word on your mom, since she’s usually the one getting plowed.
- Here’s a question/request for advice: How do you go about finding a new barber/person to cut your hair? I went to the person that used to (successfully) cut my hair and it was a disaster. Did some light google searching, reviews are all over the place, found a guy who did a solid job, and he’s already left that place. So what next?
- With the NFL season approaching its measty/yeasty conclusion, I know you all have one question on your mind, and no, I did not make the fantasy football playoffs. Oh, not that one?
- Ok….How’s Geno Smith doing? Going into last night’s game, 1% odds of winning MVP? That’s approximately 1000X higher than I would have projected at the beginning of the season. Almost a lock to be a Pro Bowler? Not gonna lie, I need to figure out when I’ll be in close enough proximity to NatashaLater’s house to deliver him his ill gotten booze.
- Or do I? This week’s match up against Santa Clara was the first time this season that I watched Geno with my own eyes, and I can’t say I was impressed. Sure, he threw a nice TD late but for most of the game his throws were behind his receivers and his reads were….not good. Mr. Ayo helpfully pointed out that before the thrilla in Sea-chilla, Geno had 8 INTs “BUT, according to PFF he has thrown 22 turnover worthy passes this year. It’s been all smokes and mirrors. He’s exactly what everyone expected, just with more luck.” What do you all think? Geno Smith, legit starting NFL QB or Geno Smith, Fraudy McFrauderson?
- Not to steal Rev’s bit, but if you’re looking for a Christmas movie to watch and want to leave Die Hard for WCS’s liveblog, I recommend Office Christmas Party. We watched it a few years ago with very low expectations, and it actually had us laughing out loud and saying “OH SHIT.” THAT’s what makes a good Christmas movie. Looking at you, Rudolph and Frosty, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
- We decided last minute to take a little trip for Christmas, just Lady BFC and me, and let me tell you–I don’t care how great your parents/siblings/aunts/extended family are and how much you love them, being able to SKIP the “whose parents are we visiting this year” debate and traveling just the two of you is a goddamn blessing.
- Remember, holiday travel means it’s amateur hour at the airports. Don’t be a dumbass and walk through the mags with your phone in your pocket. You’re an embarrassment to your family if you do that.
- And so in that vein, let’s close out our brain droppings this week with another fill in the blank: “Going home for Christmas always makes me wistful for ____________.”
I have a Twitter account that I never use. I only opened it and sent a test message just so I could reserve it.
How do you use it for effective airline customer service? I had a major problem with Delta and they are just ignoring me, and I’m going through their website customer service. It’s to the point where I’m gonna lawyer up and try to do some real damage.
My parents have been gone for so long now it feels like I’ve been hosting forever. Just the bros, eldest right, her husband and the two eldest granddaughters this year.
Something very low key and DIY food-wise. Have some drinks, play a game or two. It’s nice.
Dinner isn’t nearly the formal meal that Thanksgiving is so I can just cook whatever sounds good. It’s very nice.
Check out Pops Bradley in “Who Will Cut My Hair” (Black and white comic at the end of the issue: https://view-comic.com/hate-issue-20/
“Going home for Christmas always makes me wistful for” – my couch & bong.
Christmas always makes me wistful for a time before my parents marriage imploded. Even when things weren’t good, and they often weren’t (we were poor as shit), they always made sure my sister and I had a great Christmas.
I suppose that’s the one good thing about being a broken home kid in adulthood. I get to double up on holiday meals. One with my dad, one with my mom. I’m a glutton.
This is going to be the first Christmas I’ve ever spent not around any of my family at all. Gonna travel across the country to New York with the future Duchess LaCross to spend the holiday with her sister’s family. I’m looking forward to it, but it’s still gonna feel a little weird.
Office Christmas Party was very solid! Jillian Bell is a national treasure.
Oh, she’s in that? Worth the price of admission for her alone. I’ll give that a spin when I’m healthy enough to drink again.
“Going home for Christmas always makes me wistful for wanting things.”
I suppose I have accidentally fallen into a Buddhist state of mind where I no longer have the focused greed and covetousness of my youth. It keeps me on a much more even keel, to be sure, but a little part of me missed the passionate, fist-clenching, brow-sweating sense of WANT that can only be assuaged by obtaining the object of your desire.
If I could +1 this more, I would.
I think these days everyone in my family stays home for Xmas. We used to host Christmas dinner, but now everyone in my family, including us, is feeling too lazy to drive on Christmas Day. We’ve also gone with either takeout Chinese, or sit-down at a relatively fancy Chinese restaurant.
We’ve gotten Peking duck a few times, and it’s always been a delight.
I also quit getting a tree. Them fuckers are heavy and messy, I am too old to deal with either aspect.
Once my kids were old enough to drive, I said “I will give you the money if YOU want to deal with all the tre logistics and effort” and surprise, surprise – they were ok not having a tree after all.
If you want to blow your money on the coolest Christmas tree ever:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gX2MVM7jlzM
Ours is an artificial one that is lit like that, but comes in sections. Plug the middle section into the bottom, plug the top into the middle.
We did a full-bore live tree with a root ball of dirt on it one year. It weighed about a bajillion pounds and was a bitch to move around. When Xmas was over we stuck it into the back of our pickup truck and drove it 200 miles to my in-laws in zero-degree weather. The ‘live’ tree got there bald; 70 mph wind stripped every needle off that tree. So much for being a friend of nature.
One thing I’ve been meaning to do is to collect a bunch of old Christmas trees off the curb in January (or later) and save them until March and then have a bonfire. If I could somehow get them down to Black’s Beach it would be safe *and* spectacular.
/RTD gets some serious side-eye from the Hobo King and his acolytes.
I know why it would be spectacular….
we have a tree very similar to this one. it’s a bit spars without any decorations on it, but once they are all on it, looks good
I will share mine with you, Scrooge McHippo!
Clan LemonJello used to travel to Illinois to see our families over the holidays. Now we are the hosts for my folks, my brother and niece and the 3 LemonJello heirs. The food and booze are good, the stress of preparing Fortress LemonJello for visitors and then not having an escape planned when I get tired of dealing with people makes it slightly less enjoyable…but as our grandparents and now parents are taking leave of the mortal plane, it falls on us to continue the traditions we grew up with.
We are the olds now. Gumby’s dad and my aunt the nun are the last of the previous generation. I have 2 grand nephews and a grandniece.
when mrs GTD and I first got together Xmas was such a PITA. With both of our parents being divorced we would have at least 4 xmas dinners. One of her uncles would switch every year between doing xmas with my wife’s side of the family and with his wifes family, so they would then host. Twas out of my control to say to just do it all then, and not have the second xmas with the same peeps. This continued for a while after we were married and had kids. After a few years of having to tell/force our kids to put down whatever toy they were playing with to go to some grandparents place, we started to host it all as it was neutral for the divorced parents and we could get xmas over in one day and we were the only ones with kids. The day was crazy as there were usually 15+ in my house, but not having to leave the house and travel and being done in one day was worth it. And my kids were much happier to be at home and not have to leave whatever to travel.
We’re hosting again this year for the first time in like 5, so while not looking forward to the cooking and cleaning before and after, will be nice to have it done in one day again.
And as there are now other younger kids in the family, i fear that we’ll be on the road again to make it easier on those families.
My first couple of years in LA, I flew back to my hometown for Christmas. But then I realized this was dumb. My family didn’t particularly care if I visited then as opposed to another time of the year, so I didn’t need to deal with the hassle and expense and the freezing cold of traveling during the holidays. And I’m happy to take a quiet day or two of going for a hike, making a nice meal, maybe getting together for drinks with someone. I’m not a “bah humbag” type, but I don’t really care much about any particular tradition.
one of my Christmas traditions is to listen to Christmas music the last few days that I work before Christmas. Today is my last work day of the year (humble brag) so kinda want to keep that tradition, but still in the LDB thing, so trying nawt to eliminate myself either. I guess I’m gonna have to find a spotify list and check it twice for LDB
I have a couple of CDS of alternate Xmas music, (Bloodshot records in particular, although I’m not sure they’re still functioning), that I’ll put in the car this time of year. Not Little Drummer Boy included.
For years our Xmas was opening gifts at our place, then meeting my extended family at my Grandmother’s in scenic Waterbury, CT, (it is not, in fact, scenic), with occasional stops at my wife’s sister’s house, depending on whether they had their shit together that season.
Then Grandma sold the Waterbury estate, (not actually an estate), and the family get together got pushed to my aunt’s house in scenic Salisbury, CT, (actually pretty scenic, still not an estate but you will lay estate prices), and Mrs. Cornblower’s sister moved to New Mexico, so that was the end of that. Then the rest of the family really scattered hither and yon and that put an end to the extended family get together on my side as well, leaving just going to my Mom’s house.
Not gonna lie, the Covid year, when we could just open gifts and then kick back in front of the fire and the TV’s warming glow was fucking awesome.
We did christmas 2020 just ourselves too, and it was fantastic to not go anywhere.
TOPICAL!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-hk4IkTPgI
I have always hated going home (to mine or my wife’s/gf’s/friends home), I always end up with crappy food, overeating candy because the food is crappy, being bored or being annoyed by the family drama. I prefer to stay home, make a couple of calls, and chill while cooking my own non-crappy food. Bah, humbug.
Manscaping advice, haircut edition. Find a lady barber. I think they do a better job usually. I have one who I’ll adjunct my schedule to, she’s consistent, attentive, and a real sweetie to boot.
Not her pictured, just trying to pick up Moose’s slack.
not gonna lie, that straight razor in her hand kinda scares me. Like not sure if I’m gonna live through the shave kinda fear.
When the boobs are rubbing all over your arms, shoulders and neck… you forget about those fears.
And that’s how she gets ya
Stop giving away my methods
-Docktor Zymm
You’re thinking of Covalent Blonde for the hands-on type wetwork. Dok is more about the devices.
I’ve had the same barber since college, not that my thinning hair would be much of a challenge to anyone. She has some unfortunate political views, which I generally don’t challenge when she’s holding a straight razor near my ear.
Home for Christmas always makes me wistful for hay rides. I swear to God those holiday hay rides were some of the best teenaged girl feels a boy could cop.
/ looking at (fondly recalling) you Donna
We do Christmas morning at home so Sharkette can unwrap presents, then we head north, to either my sister’s or my in-laws.
1) Ayo only made that admission because he FREEZER VODKA VISION QUESTED that Hippo had fallen asleep with his cat at 7p last night.
2) I have been getting my hair cut by the same woman since my sophomore year at NC State. When I lived in NoVa for 18 months, I timed haircuts with family visits home (one exception where I got a local cut, which I did NOT like at all). Hopefully, she doesn’t retire before I die (she’s like 3-4 years older than me, but in much better shape), or she keeps cutting my hair from her house. She snuck me into her shop during #NuAIDS Lockdown, so I am hopeful. Otherwise, I will just go Kaczinski (sp?).
3) The VERY BESTEST aspect of divorce was realizing…one could just say NO. I spend every Thanksgiving and Christmas at home with my cats (kids are welcome, or they can do sommet more festive, I don’t guilt anyone). When my kids were still young? I would do on solo “Divorcemas” trips the years I didn’t have them with me (Costa Rica, St. Simon’s Island). The world doesn’t crumble into the sea if you just insist on your own thing. Just need to give zero fucks if your sister thinks you are a weirdo.
and 1000000000000000% on board with the leaving for the holidays. We’ve done that a few times and it takes much of the stress off the holidays. It also allows you to pick and choose which people to see during the holidays, if you so choose. For all those you don’t want to see, “sorry we’re away then maybe in the new year”.
I’m doing the “find a new barber” thing. My old barber, who had been cutting my hair for like 20 years retired a few years ago. He’s totally the “Wealthy barber”. He’s had some amazing timing with selling houses and has made a lot of money that way. He and his wife ran a little shop that I went to as a teen. It was always just the two of them working in there.
Started trying out different places, but it would either be a bad cut or they were rough when cutting or couldn’t find that person again. My neighbour said to try out this guy a a different place and he was really good. That guy then opened his own shop just as the pandemic hit. Total shit timing for him. He did manage to keep it open but with the other people that cut hair in the shop leaving, it closed in the summer. boo. So found a new place to go to and they are pretty good. My problem with them is that they are really really busy. You need to book 2 weeks out to try to get in, and the last time I went the price went up $10. So, not liking that. I get the booking thing is great for them bad for me, but needing a haircut always seems to sneak up on me. It’s fine and then the next day it needs to be cut, which is dumb as i get my hair cut every 4 or 5 weeks, so why don’t I just book it. Anyway.
The guy that had his own shop is cutting hair again, so have an appointment to see him tomorrow. The issue with the new place is that it’s a 25 minutes drive for me, so being a big baby about going.
tl;dr ask around and I’m a big baby when it comes to getting my hair cut
Fourth, anytime you give me a fill in, I’m going to go with anal just to see if it works.
Have to say, it’s a bit perverted, but it works.
Perverted or sounds like nostalgia for being molested?
going home for anal?
This explains sooooo much
Third, Mr. Ayo is completely right. Geno has just been lucky. Last night showed his true colours.
Let WVU football have ONE good thing this season!
Second, those snow plow names are hilarious!
I think my favourite is Sir Plow A Lot.
“Clearopathra” is solid.
I’m partial to Plow chicka plow wow!
So many things to talk about!
First: I haven’t gone to a barber in decades. Cut my hair myself using one of these.
Easy peasy and I can get it right every time.
My hairstyling regimen is my wife setting the clippers to 2 and running it all over my head. Yeah yeah, phrasing.
I’m a #2 guy too!
Phrasing
Ah, the DFO Germany contingent makes itself known.
I have that exact same kit, plus a newer one that has a soft case.