Keeping It Holy – Slave LaboUr Cup Final Open Thread

Buenos días, mes ami(e)s invisibles. This final I call it… Spectacular.

France was the class of the tournament, which was surprising. The team is different from the 2018 Champions. No Kanté, no Pogba this time around, as well as others who shall not be named because of deadline restrictions. Benzema was in, then out because of injury, then seemingly in good shape to play for Real Madrid in a friendly last week. Right after France’s semifinal win, coach Didier Deschamps was asked: “Will Benzema join the squad for the final and, if so, will he play over 20 minutes–please be clear because I need this parlay to buy a plane ticket back.” Deschamps said he will not answer that question, adding “Next question. I do apologize,” which is a month’s worth of humility for any Frenchman. Well, OK. Benzema is still on Les Bleus players’ list and was not substituted, but has not played a minute of this Mundial because of injury. How ‘va, France has looked as the best team in the tournament. Plugging a parachuting Benzema into a WORLD CUP FINAL because he looked fine on a friendly with Real Madrid is madness. You know, the kind of thing Argentina definitivamente would do with its own Ballon D’Or winner in that situation.

Deschamps got asked again yesterday about Benzema because press and narratives go together like vultures with whips and dead horses. A visibly pissed Deschamps said “Tomorrow we’ll be 24”, referring to a Bleus squad minus Benzema, not being all Kiefer Sutherland kicking Argentine ass and violating their civil rights. One of Real Madrid’s house organs reported that Benzema will return his Mundial champion medal if it happens, but no mention on whether the 400,000 euros champion check will also be retur–

Argentina, Dios mío. The mood in Argentina at the start of the tournament was dread that La Albiceleste will not get their third championship during this World Cup. No mirth, just taking for granted that Argentina will win another championship some time because of its obvious superiority–just not, you know, this year. It really takes balls to be this fucking arrogant.

The first game was the shocking 2-1 loss to Saudi Arabia. From then on, every game played by Argentina was a final. The haters point to México – Poland – Australia – Netherlands – Croatia hardly being a gauntlet. Moar like a, a… Argentine #1 foam hand amirite? The alternative to Croatia was Brazil, and The Neds are a buncha malcontents, but a great team. The aided by penalties narrative has also gotten traction, particularly the early penno granted to Argentina in the Croatia game. Look at the penalty awarded to Ghana against Uruguay in the first half and compare it with the one earned by Julián Alvarez (Man City) against Croatia. Intelligent and informed folks can disagree, but you’re either for or against both penalties.

Argentina won being in the final on performance. Neither Brazil or Croatia are pushovers. And if it had been Brazil, bof: Argentina has owned Brasil since 2020. In this Mundial, Alvarez has started four games and scored four goals. Argentina’s goalie, Dibu Martínez, went to Russia 2018 as a spectator. Afterwards, he has been spotted doing the Sam Cassell balls dance during PK shootouts in South American competitions. At the Mundial, he stopped The Neds’ first two penalties in the shootout.

In the 1990 World Cup, Argentina lost its first group game against Cameroon. When they got back to the hotel, coach Carlos Bilardo shouted at all the players and staff that, if Argentina got eliminated in the first round, he was gonna burst into the cockpit and crash the plane because death was a better fate than the humiliation of leaving Argentina as defending champion and returning after elimination in group play. That team reached that final, against WEST Germany, but lost after a late, pretty bogus penalty against ARG.

The last time Argentina reached the final was in 2014, against PLAIN Germany. Argentina lost 1-0 in extra time on a wonder goal by Mario Gotze, but ARG had by far the best chances and could not convert. The referee in this match is Polish and already worked ARG and FRA games this tournament. He was born on the same day as the referee of the 1986 final, in which Argentina won 3-2 against WEST Germany.

“Many French vowed to boycott the World Cup. Then their team did too well,” headlines a WAPo article published yesterday. Emannuel Macron went to the France semi, lobbied for Benzema to be integrated, and will definitely be at the final. By contrast, to get to the final, Argentina’s President had to confiscate the tip jars at the Central Permits Office to fund his trip. Also taking a personal day for the final:

I want Argentina to win, but France winning does not offend me.

Predicción: This feels like a good one: ARG 3 – 2 FRA.

This should be resolved by Red Zone Muzak time. This is mandatory watching–mutedly, if you get annoyed by constant mention of someone who wasn’t named here. Go in peace.

 

 

4.9 7 votes
Article Rating
Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
Subscribe
Notify of
161 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
makeitsnowondem

Mbappe wants to talk to Macron about as much as Macron wants to talk to any other black person.

Dunstan

Scientology commercial: Whatever you’ve heard, if you haven’t heard it from us, you don’t know the full story.

Me: Ah, so you’re willing to publish all of your doctrines and teachings so I can evaluate them?

Scientology: LOL no. You need to join us for years and spend hundreds of thousands of dollars before we tell you that bizarre shit.

Game Time Decision

Even then

makeitsnowondem

Las Malvinas are coming home!

Horatio Cornblower

Well yes, thanks to plate tectonics, but it’s probably gonna be a while.

makeitsnowondem

No, it has to be today.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll talk to the Earth’s mantle and see what we can do.

SonOfSpam

I believe the Pope gets to fuck Mrs. Macron now.

Horatio Cornblower

Prima nocte, bitch!

But he’d say it in Latin, because he’s classy.

makeitsnowondem

What, again?

Horatio Cornblower

This loris would have been more effective stopping PKs.

comment image

Doktor Zymm

And looked good doing it!

makeitsnowondem

HALLELUJAH
HOLY SHIT
WHERE’S THE TYLENOL

The Maestro

Argentina have now regained the Mandate of Heaven

Horatio Cornblower

My son’s reaction to the winning goal: “Wow. That is an awful tattoo on his shoulder.”

makeitsnowondem

PAREDES NUTS

King Hippo

The rest of these Frogs best apologize to Mmmmmm-Bop! when this ends

makeitsnowondem

Lie To Me but instead of Tim Roth it’s Emiliano Martínez.

herodotus450

If I were a goalie, I would simply pick the correct side to dive to

herodotus450

Ok apparently even that doesnt matter all too much

scotchnaut

I mean, you’ve got a 75% chance of being right.

Horatio Cornblower

I would stand dead center and never move, since I’m never making a save in any way other than it hitting me in the chest and bounces out.

herodotus450

Shooting next for France, Mylian Kmbappe, a newcomer off the bench

rockingdog

found a funny:

an avatar got into our trash last night and i had to hit it with a rake

Horatio Cornblower

Messi just got very lucky there.

Dunstan

“Historically the team shooting first tends to win, but in this World Cup it’s been the other way around.”

I AM BEGGING SPORTS COMMENTATORS TO LEARN ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF SAMPLE SIZE

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

YOU MUST STOP MBAPPE TO REACH THE TOP!

makeitsnowondem

Minnie and lady snow have both noped out of this one.

Horatio Cornblower

I hate that dude, but there are no words for the save Argentina’s keeper just made.

Dunstan

I still think PKs are a terrible way to decide a title, but this really has been a good game.

rockingdog

This World Cup Final
IS ROCKINGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Hey man, good of you to pop in.

/loud whisper. “get the tracking collar!”

Spur

Best part of this game getting fun and exiting at the end is all the “MERICANs” turning on Fox to watch the Pregame show and are seeing this instead.

Horatio Cornblower

WHAT’S ALL THIS FAG SHIT ON MY TEEVEE BOX!? I NEEDS TO KNOW HOW TO BET MY TRAILER RENT ON THE JAGYOUARS COWBOYS GAME!!! SOMEONE GET IN HERE AND TAKE A LETTER WHAT AH’M GUNNA SEND TO MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN!!!

Horatio Cornblower

3 added minutes? I’d say the ref has dinner reservations. Argentines celebrated at least 2 after their goal.

King Hippo

He’s been warned about NFL kickoff time

Horatio Cornblower

Probably true. The only organization more powerful, corrupt, and willing to kill to enforce its wishes is the NFL.

King Hippo

FIFA be all liek game recognize game, yo

King Hippo

It is clear that Hippo watching jinxes Frogger. I shall TAKE ONE FOAR TEH TEAM

Spur

Mbappe is French for Fuck Argentina 

Horatio Cornblower

In English that’s pronounced ‘The Falklands’

Horatio Cornblower

Maradona on a cocaine and vodka binge would think this is a bit much.

scotchnaut

You mean a regular Tuesday?

Dunstan

I just bought shares of Dole and El Monte because there is clearly a run on bananas right now.

The Maestro

i am deceased

makeitsnowondem

man come on

scotchnaut

No pressure, no pressure at all, MMMBop.

Horatio Cornblower

I am quite full of banana cakes, but apparently will have to make room for more.

2Pack

Yep, Messi worship for the next decade. But ya gotta admit, that was some sensational game there.

Horatio Cornblower

Miami FC, (or whatever it is; I’m not going to look up MLS teams), are printing so many shirts right now.

2Pack

But wait… there’s more!

Horatio Cornblower

Let’s see if Argentina learned anything from Brazil and doesn’t play 6-7 men up in the final 10 minutes.

The Maestro

Small Bastard Goblin Man Wins Big Trophy

King Hippo

SPORTSBALL MEDIA BLACKOUT PARA DEL HIPPO

makeitsnowondem

Folks I think he was on.

Horatio Cornblower

This game has been insane

The Maestro

GOOD GOAL

King Hippo

Fuck all the shit

King Hippo

Lloris is nervous. They need to win this before pennos.

Horatio Cornblower

You say that, but…

Horatio Cornblower

but you are, in fact, correct. Lloris was not good at all there.

King Hippo

Hot Argentine women crying would be a good meme to trend, I am JUST SAYIN

Dunstan

“But I specifically told them not to cry!” — Evita