TGIF! Please read the descent into madness that preceded Alex showing up here. Make sure to have the DONKS WOO! season results up to reference before each week’s entry as well. But first, make yourself a nice cocktail to enjoy it with. When finished, return and I’ll make sure you make it through the winter alive.
Survival – Personal Edition
Winter has the unfortunate side-effect of bringing snow. Some more than others. Unfortunately, some folks don’t appreciate the danger of being stranded while driving in the snow. You’ll no longer be one of those folks by following these handy guidelines.
- Get your vehicle off the road. As much as you need help, you don’t need to be rammed by another car or run over either. Of course, make sure the vehicle is still visible from the road.
- Make the vehicle more visible. Open the hood and turn on the vehicle’s flashers. If it’s snowing though, keep the hood closed. Also set road flares on the side of the road by your vehicle.
- If there’s a large enough bare area nearby, spell out HELP in six foot letters using rocks, sticks, or other dark material that contrasts with the snow. You want this to be visible from the air in the off chance anyone noticed you missing and in the far more remote chance anyone cared enough to send a helicopter or small plane to find you.
- This is the most important part. STAY NEAR YOUR VEHICLE. It’s very easy to get lost in drifting and blowing snow. Also, your vehicle is shelter that will keep you alive far longer than outside.
- It’s cold. Put on all clothing you have available. Hats and gloves are mandatory. If you have a blanket, put that on too.
- Even then, that might not be enough. Once an hour, run the vehicle for about 10 minutes, just enough to get the interior heater going a bit. Then shut it off and bask in the warmth for a while.
- Keep moving. When in the car make sure to move your arms, legs, and torso to keep blood flowing.
- If you’re traveling with others, great news! Snuggle time! Use your collective body heat to keep everyone warm. Also, get on an alternating sleep schedule. Someone needs to always be awake in case help is nearby.
- Fortunately, as a human you can survive longer without food than you will in the snow. Unfortunately, you will need hydration sooner. If you don’t have water provisions, then eat snow. Obviously find the cleanest snow you can, but again, don’t stray too far to find it.
- If you think help is looking for you but having trouble finding you, there’s another thing you can do. Tire fire! Hopefully you have a spare tire. If not you’ll have to sacrifice a regular tire and you should only do this as a last resort. Whichever option you have, place the wheel and tire in a cleared area safely down wind from your vehicle. Fill the middle of the wheel with any dry sticks and paper products you can find. Ignite with your car’s cigarette lighter or other lighter you have available. Keep feeding the fire until it gets warm enough to ignite the tire. The tire fire will emit a thick black smoke that will be quite visible. Make sure not to inhale that smoke, it’s quite toxic.
There you go! Of course, you’ll notice many of these guidelines require you to already have some things on hand. Indeed, if you’re going to be driving in the snow there are a number of things you should always have in your vehicle:
- Snow Chains
- Blankets
- Bottled War
- Food
- Signal flares
- First Aid Kit
- Spare Tire
- Lighter
- Extra Winter clothing: Coats, mittens, gloves, toques, hats, ear muffs, scarfs, wool socks, winter boots, hand warmers, thermal underwear
- Jumper cables and battery booster, charged
- Snow brush and ice scraper
- Shovel
Ok, your trunk should be full and you should be safe even if you get stranded for a while with all of that. Let’s move on!
Click here to get to commenting
Survival – Species Edition
Time to put the sexy in Friday!
Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to what’s most important: Commenting and drinking!
Well shit. Late again.
Hi everyone!
Life is good. Busy. Hectic. Chaotic, yet lucrative.
So many stupid emails.
I’m slow braising for 5 hours tomorrow because it’s cold as fuck.
I’ve missed this.
https://www.espn.com/nhl/story/_/id/35493127/penguins-po-joseph-sens-mathieu-joseph-leave-ice-together
Mom and dad are proud.
Evening.
Really fun that WordPress asks me to approve Brocky’s Friday post every week.
Our man should have a blanket waiver.
Correct.
Is it like getting one of those little cards in the mail that says “You’re a winner!”?
It’s definitely fun to verify all the links before everyone else gets to see them.
Does it do it if I post individual links, or is it only because I’m using the spoiler tag?
I’ve only had to approve the spoiler ones so far. But post another without it and we’ll find out.
I think anything with 2+ links automatically goes for review, it seems to be a pretty common anti-spam measure
Let’s see.
1) https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Brockies
2) https://test.com
3) https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Docktor
4) https://www.spam.com/
Hmm, no review here.
But you’re the author posting, you might have some sort of automatic authority
Let me post two picture links, see how it happens
So, it fully posted the screenshot I got from Urban Dictionary’s definition of “Brocky”.
Do with that what you will
Learning something new everyday!
Of course this was let right through.
No it’s an actual blanket, with a lady under it waving at you.
Finest supplemental content, always appreciated Sir.
I always had the biggest crush on Anna Kournikova.
Also, is that Elizabeth Hurley??
Yarp.
Poker lingo: AK offsuit == Anna Kournikova. Looks good, never wins anything.
Can testify to that from last night’s tournament.
The USWNT has been fun to watch. Maybe not if you support New Zealand. One of their players just took a ball to the face.
Latest George Santos news, seems he might have indirectly killed a dog by trying to steal money from a GoFundMe for the dog’s surgery
Appears he stole the money for the cancer treatment for the dog. So, kind of directly.
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-64321153
Yeah, this of all things might actually move the needle.
Hey, I’ll get to do a special election!
Well since there is a dog involved he can kiss his chances of ever getting elected president goodbye.
Typically outstanding work here Mr Ayo. I would recommend adding one of these to the list.
I will add both of those to the list.
I can’t tell you how bad I wanted one that night they made us sleep in the snow caves we built during winter survival training.
I’ve shortchanged everyone here. Can’t believe I forgot this one.
Oh my!
In golf, that would be classified as “undulating.”
Gotta test that “black don’t crack” theorem.
No one talks about Black on Black crime, SMGDH.
Here’s how the white man does it:
Throw baby!
If you don’t have road flares, rip a piece of the brightest clothing you’re wearing and tie it to an antenna or other protrusion from your car.
Fully agree on the candles and matches comment below, I’ve always done that on the advice of my super paranoid mother.
I intentionally left that out as no one has a car with an antenna these days. Hopefully.
My friend had a bat fly into her antenna and somehow impale its wing so it was just hanging. She pulled into a gas station and while she was trying to figure out what to do some guy walked by and flicked the bat off with a candy bar. I think it was a king size Snickers.
Neat story. I had a friend one time as well, though they didn’t have a bat interaction.
Don’t drive in really bad weather.
Everything else just sort of falls into place.
Typical Connecticut elite over here.
The rest of us don’t have a choice!
I’d murder a hobo for a good snowstorm.
As opposed to “just for the hell of it”, like some people around here.
Bloodlust isn’t “just for the hell of it.”
You say tomato, I say tomahto.
Glow in the dark condoms still in my wallet from the early 90’s should work.
Hey Doc Z, you said something about rolling over a 401k the other night. If you’re going to have little to no regular income this year, I suggest looking into converting it into a roth IRA and taking the hit whilst your tax bracket is low. (then, all investment income is tax free when you cash it out)
With my 2 paychecks, PTO payout, severance payment, and probably working Oct-Dec I’m not sure my income will actually be low enough to make it worth it, but definitely something to check out in case! Thanks!
The tax rate for this year’s conversion would be based off last year’s income, or the income of the year before?
Each year’s contribution is based on that year’s income.
Ahh, makes sense.
Don’t forget to account for your DFO stock options when making such decisions!
I sold all of mine after that internal meeting about the dire financial future of the company that hasn’t been published yet, that’s OK right?
.
I’m not sure when our financial future here at DFO Enterprises has been described as anything but “dire”, so I don’t really see a problem.
There’s no way Zymm qualifies for a Roth IRA anymore.
Ah, just read below, yes, indeed.
Would it still fall under the having the maximum $5500 per year that you’re allowed to add to a Roth?
I was bummed not to be able to draft any CF prospects in my Sim league rookie draft. But today the fish announced they are moving Jazz Hands Chisholm there, so hooray for my horrible team!
The girl on the bikes makes think of Queen’s Fatbottom Girls and that albums inside cover.
I always get The Groove Tube and Kentucky Fried Movie mixed up.
The best kind
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bK6TO9X9g4Y
Jaysus picture 2!!
Also, I need coffee…
1, 3, and 4 all floored me.
I was worried I may have included too much shoulder for Hippo. But I pressed on and hoped for the best.
A Prince Among Bastard Men
Litre Cola delivers again!
Cheezies are gone. I’m afraid of the Turk and Vodka. And the Gin is tomorrow night’s drink after the Kraken defeat the vile Colorado Avalanche.
The vodka is a trophy, you can totally just display it on a shelf somewhere. You gotta at least try the Turk, so you can tell us your thoughts!
I will try and post my review of each tomorrow.
Soak the Turk in scary vodka and let your terlet quake in terror.
Cheezies are the best thing on earth.
I’m really interested to read your take on the Turk.
I haven’t opened the Alberta Pure Vodka he sent last year. Hoping it will age into a nice tequi;a.
Litre’s one of the good ones (white people)!
The Caramilk looks delicious.
I wonder if it is kin to the Caramello here?
More than likely. Except the Caramilk has real chocolate, real buttery caramel made with actual sugar, and no artificial flavors or colors
Hmm, seems someone here works for BIG CARAMILK
Nope, I just know how shitty US candy bars are, like Velveeta vs. Real cheese.
Maybe we will get off the corn syrup thing now that Iowa is a one-party state.
I saw a story (could have been here) about going to The Walnut Room at Marshall Fields for the world’s awesomest grilled cheese. It turned out its main ingredient was Velveeta.
Sadly, the chocolate will give me a migraine (with puke for added joy) so is all the same to Hippo.
Eh I read that book “Into the Wild” once, I’m sure I’ll be fine in a survival situation. Never actually finished it though, assume it worked out for that kid.
I drove through the Donner Pass once, not sure who Donner was, but he must have been pretty successful at crossing the mountains to get a whole route named after him!
Ain’t no party like a Donner Party ’cause a Donner Party just don’t stop!
Or you can just get snow tires and not drive like an asshole and stay on the road
We all know neither is the norm for those in snowy conditions.
Where’s the fun in that?
Chains are probably a better choice for places that don’t get heavy snow that often anyway, you can just toss em in the trunk and then they’re also handy if you need a weapon to fight off a gang of methed-out bikers
I prefer guns for both.
/last seen standing on the freeway blasting away at an oncoming blizzard
I keep an ice scraper nearby in case there is some morning frost on my car. During winter it can get down to around 30 here at night, so the mornings can take an extra 2 or 3 minutes to get going.
Make sure the exhaust is clear of snow when running the vehicle, unless you’ve given up all hope and would rather die of carbon monoxide poisoning instead of continuing to wait for rescue
Oh shit I forgot that part. Yes. Also, keep a car window slightly ajar while running the engine just in case.
Also in the kit have some candles. Light and heat
Smart! Never heard that one.
And if they’re black candles you can also use them for an impromptu satanic mass!
Always keep a possible sacrifice handy!
And food source, a Donner kabob maybe.
MTV tried to make a Jersey Shore lookalike out in the hills of West By God, around Clendenin IIRC. Buck Wild. A couple of the stars died when they got stuck in mud and the mud clogged their exhaust.
There is crazy deep and sticky mud all around the horse paddocks, but luckily horses’ exhaust won’t kill you and doesn’t get blocked by mud
https://www.cnn.com/2013/04/02/showbiz/buckwild-star-death/index.html
I didn’t believe it, but it was true. Not sure what the driver was doing staying in a car when his door was above the mud.
My guess: they were out there shit faced drunk with even more beer/booze, got stuck, and said, “Fuck it, let’s have a few more beers and deal with this when the sun comes up.”
Hello, sailor!