Okay, the title’s really for this bit.

Welcome back to the Beat! Last week we learned we saw things we had never seen before, like Jackpot losing a Fight Night fight, things we’ve seen a bunch, like Hydra winning by KO, and things you see seemingly all the time, like something smoking and/or catching on fire. Well, there’s more where the last one came from. To the fights!

Black Dragon vs. Monsoon
Another year, another Black Dragon captain (because it’s a college team and they graduate out). But no matter who’s on Ua!rrior, the Brazilians come to play and are always a dark horse threat.

Mon, and this last part is crucial, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON! After a two-year hiatus due to, you know, a worldwide pandemic, the original large vert returns (again, before Deep Six took that to its absolute limit). They’ll have the reach advantage against most of the compact verts you’ll see.

I say that, and after some circling, it’s Monsoon that goes somersaulting backwards. After all, ground game remains king, and Black Dragon’s got its forks out.

But Black Dragon was having drive issues. Now, that’s something to watch as throughout all its fights, Black Dragon has yet to lose by KO. Which sounds like curse of the commentator bait. And the weapon was also slowing. This was prime opportunity for Monsoon to come in and do damage, like flipping Black Dragon and removing one of the forks, or another shot to send Black Dragon up (and keep it flipped still) to deliver more punishment before the bigger shot sent Black Dragon off the Lexan, but back over.

Black Dragon, forks diminished still could get under and send Monsoon back. And then Tom Brewster (captain and I assume driver of Monsoon) did a bad. Because Monsoon’s weapon all of a sudden just died. Dead stop and everything. This was because Monsoon had just run over a bolt and sucked it into the robot and that destroyed the weapon motors.

And with that one error the tables immediately turned. Monsoon’s weapon was dead, Black Dragon’s was still spinning as it seemed like they had been modulating their weapon. Black Dragon was also upright and its wedge would win any pushing match. Though it was having drive issues, it was just a waiting game as Monsoon tried to look for an angle to push before Black Dragon cut it off and sent Monsoon flying. Monsoon looked… mostly okay drivewise, still trying to get some sort of push points before getting clipped and flipped. Black Dragon came for a glancing blow, and if the weapon wasn’t dead this wouldn’t have been a problem as it would have helped to right it. No matter how much everyone’s favorite large British man Tim Rackers bellowed for a big hit, Black Dragon wasn’t going to come in for a big hit and knock Monsoon loose. A judge’s decision would be close, so better to take the win.

Black Dragon wins by KO in 2:05. They’ll get Quantum next, while Monsoon will face Horizon.

Emulsifier vs. Malice
Emulsifier: 0-1 (L, JD 3-0 vs. Fusion)
Malice: 0-1 (L, JD 3-0 vs. Lock-Jaw)

It’s an early must-win for both of these bots. With 32/50 full teams making the tournament, the bubble’s likely going to be 2-2 teams vs. stronger 1-3 teams. These teams are probably not what I’m thinking off the top of my head as potential “stronger 1-3s” though 2-2 campaigns would probably see them through. But 0-2 would give them zero wiggle room.

Malice came out wide surprisingly, so both bots had time to spin up. And the spark show showed that. Emulsifier got a chance to actually use its weapon, bending up one of the forks and sending Malice in the air. The frame on Malice was actually cracked, and there looked to be some sort of brace bent up while Malice was stuck on the pulverizer. The hammer was released to free Malice, though the weapon brace meant that it was basically spinning back and forth. But… Emulsifier, after moving to get itself up, had stopped. You could see the right track moving, but it was high-centered on debris (courtesy of the the Bots FC YouTube). But the rule this year is moving in a circle is legal. Crabwalking is legal. Not moving, still bad.

So, uh, Malice wins by KO in 1:52. A bit Pyrrhic because that frame is toast, but it’s a win. They’ll fight Valkyrie, and Emulsifier gets Banshee to try and get itself sorted out. That’s BattleBots, Suzyn.

Overhaul vs. Starchild
When I definitely don’t check the Internet because I have rehearsals for a concert these past few Thursdays, there always seems to be one fight missing. This time, it’s this one. In part because all the Starchild fights are from NHRL. It is Brandon Zalinsky’s beetleweight that he retired P1 to scale up. So… let’s see how this cross between HUGE and The Master (complete with footage!) It’s a thwackbot, but since that would not be allowed in modern BattleBots, the thwacking end has a spinning weapon.

Overhaul… hasn’t done much better than its debut season. This was before everyone from that MIT squad split though, and of them only SawBlaze and Overhaul remain (Team Brutus was just in that one season, and though the team behind Road Rash roughly became the original configuration of Valkyrie, we haven’t seen Dane Kouttron since). First step, get a W.

Anyway, the big question would be how Overhaul could grip Starchild, but the answer was quite well, thank you very much. Though it threw a drive chain early, there were grabs, lifts, and the like. Starchild had some traction issues that definitely hindered it, though did some damage.

The judges went for Overhaul, the winner by unanimous decision. They get Claw Viper next in a battle of clampers, as Starchild gets Mammoth in a battle that could be absolutely ridiculous. Oh, don’t worry, they’ll also fight HUGE.

Gruff vs. Quantum
Gruff: 1-0 (W, JD 3-0 vs. Ripperoni)
Quantum: 1-0 (W, KO 2:38 vs. Captain Shrederator)

The winner of this one has a pretty good shot of making the tournament. Admittedly, Gruff didn’t have to do too much against Ripperoni other than stay out of the way of the bouncing pizza bot, and that’s not a clause I expected to write. Quantum, meanwhile, was much more effective in its fight, putting holes in Shrederator’s shell. Gruff knows that the only way to win this is not get bit. So to do that, they put a crossbar on the lifting arm, because if that gets bit then fine. It’s not the robot. Quantum has responded with its “seriously not fucking around” mode, which is one tooth instead of two. So all that bite focused on one point. That, by the way, is best known as the “bite through Blacksmith and get the first one of those stoppages” setup. We’re hoping for not that.

The crossbar was a good idea, but missed the first time. So Quantum got a bite in, even if no juicy bits were gotten. But refocusing and giving zero fucks, the biting continued. And it was time to bite and hit the arena walls and screws, the other part of Quantum’s arsenal.

And once one bite got in on a decent part to slow Gruff down, it continued. Gruff got a lift, but was backing up so couldn’t get any leverage. Then, more biting. Including one of the flamethrower ports. Death by a dozen bites.

Quantum wins by KO in 2:52. I’m still waiting for what happens against a spinner, and they’ll get one in Black Dragon next. Gruff gets Witch Doctor.

Kraken vs. Beta
They said Kraken was retiring. That ended up not being true. Instead, she’s been retooled… into another hammer-saw. Well, it’s slightly different in terms of how the weapon comes down. It is still biting.

Beta is back! The former quarterfinalist was last seen losing to Lock-Jaw in their bounty fight, where either (or both) could have been classified as legends. The hammer itself remains legendary, and they have more configurations this time around. So it’s actually a smaller thinner hammer due to armoring all the way up for Kraken.

Being able to armor up does mean that Beta could go in quickly to try and jam Kraken’s hammer-saw, but Kraken’s forks were able to neutralize Beta’s wedge. This was given Kraken a little bit of time—box time is always important and since it’s an entirely different weapon setup Kraken drives a bit differently. But once able to get a bite in, Kraken was able to do some damage to Beta’s Hardox.

Beta got away, but turned tail. Kraken was able to get a bite in on the much less armored back of Beta and just missed the air tank. The two bots continued to jostle for position, as Kraken had some new-robot minor gremlins and Beta couldn’t quite capitalize. Until…

A big hit right on the nose from Beta took out Kraken’s weapon. And I hope it was worth it because it also mangled Beta’s arm. I mean, it was still usable, as seen in the closing seconds as Beta continued to use it, but it’s not as many damage points as John Reid’s bot could have gotten. And that would be big as it went to the judges.

It had to be close, and some would say it should have gone the other way. But it was unanimous, as Beta wins the decision. They’ll face Shatter! next in a battle of hammer supremacy. Kraken will face Lucky.

Shreddit Bro vs. Horizon
Staten Island returns! Pain Train has remained in the station house, as it’s officially been retired. In its place, a scaled-up version of Evan Arias’s beetleweight, Shreddit Bro. Nothing too revolutionary, it’s just a drum spinner.

What is a little more revolutionary is Horizon. It’s a scaled-up version of NHRL 12-pounder Skyline, and the way it works is that it has a horizontal spinning apparatus. That’s not the weapon though. The weapons, two 30 lb. disks, spin around that. Technically it counts enough that it gets the shell/full body/Son of Whyachi spinner weight bonus, where instead of adhering to the Deep Six rule of an 80 lb. weapon, the whole thing has to weigh 120 lb. or less.

Shreddit Bro had some traction issues early on (just like Pain Train…) but its first bump knocked out one of Horizon’s weapon chains. Shreddit Bro tried to stay aggressive but again, that traction. If it were a rookie bot I’d say “plywood and steel have different amounts of grip” but this isn’t Team Shreddit’s first foray in the BattleBox, they just haven’t found something that works.

Horizon briefly did find something as the weapon got up to enough speed to shred one of Shreddit Bro’s wheels. Unfortunately so did Shreddit Bro, who got a death hum going. So the weapon’s got power and was able to send Horizon skittering onto the bumper, which actually did something to unstick Horizon.

Eventually, Horizon got itself caught on Shreddit Bro’s front armor, and normally this would be an unstick, but not with like 15 seconds left in a fight of the year. In that it was one of them.

Shreddit Bro wins by unanimous decision. They face Ominous next, while Horizon will fight Monsoon.

Main Event: Whiplash vs. HyperShock
Whiplash: 0-1 (L, KO 1:57 vs. MadCatter)
HyperShock: 0-1 (L, JD* 3-0 vs. SawBlaze)

The loser of this fight is in trouble. Whiplash is already down a chassis thanks to MadCatter literally tearing them a new one, while HyperShock lost a not at all close technical decision. Not gonna win too many of those when a fight is called because the other robot’s weapon got stuck in your robot. My guess would be approximately zero actually.

I have good news, which is… the fight’s on the BattleBots YouTube so I can just do this:

Yeah, so big assist from Alex Bales in terms of reminding about the gyro move on how to get HyperShock over. If they ever post it (probably at this time a running thing), she’s the one who drove HyperShock to the re:MARS Giant Bolt. So she knows what’s up. And once HyperShock was upright it just showed the strides of the last two years.

As for Whiplash, the switch to brushless motors has not been kind this year. Yeah, Whiplash was doing all the driving with brushed motors. Brushless motors give more power (which is why I thought Whiplash had already made the switch) at the cost of being more complicated. Actually, there’s a whole Technical T-Rex on it now. But that’s two fights with a lot of damage.

HyperShock wins by KO in 1:48. They needed this, because End Game looms next. Whiplash, at 0-2, faces Monsoon next and really needs that one, since afterwords is a fight with defending champ Tantrum.

Well, at some point I’ll be able to finish this on time. But hey, within a half-hour’s… better? See you next week!