^{Banner photo credit: some random pinterest page}

Did you know that there’s a Meteorologist Hall of Fame? I hope not, because if you were aware of that, I could probably extrapolate a lot about your life, none of it good. Regardless, the latest and purportedly last inductee is none other than the most famous rodent this side of Jerry or Speedy Gonzales—Punxsutawney Phil.

https://gfycat.com/untimelymerrygrayfox

Which brings us to today’s fake holiday. Not gonna lie, I give zero fucks about Groundhog Day, but I’m gobsmacked that it’s already February. It feels like just yesterday that it was December and my house was flooding while I was out of town.  I mean, it feels like less than a few months ago that COVID started, so maybe I shouldn’t be trusted to discern the march of time.

Groundhog Day is false hope for those in cold climates and random bemusement for those in warm climates.  Neither Phil nor any other groundhog can tell you how many more weeks of winter we have, but hey, at least he keeps the tophat makers in business for a few more years.

Oh you want to know what he said?  You want to know what Punxsutawney Phil, that furry little bitch said?  Google it, I have no fucking clue.

Speaking of Groundhog Day, you may have heard that festering bowl of dog snot and family man Tom Brady re-retired this week. In his announcement message he said he wouldn’t have changed a thing. Really? He must really have wanted to get out of that marriage and custody of his children because that’s one surefire way to ensure your ex hates you with even hotter of a flame.

And speaking of pure bullshit, this weekend is the Pro Bowl, which a) is no longer in Hawaii; b) is no longer really a thing at all and c) features Pete Davidson and Snoop Dogg as this year’s “captains” whilst Peyton and Eli coach the AFC and NFC squads, respectively. Oh, snap, it’s not just this weekend, that shit starts tonight?! I, for one, won’t be watching, but you’re welcome to report back in case I should at least pretend to give a shit next year.

CALGARY STORY TIME!

In last week’s edition of Litre and BFC amuse themselves and occasionally you, Litre mentioned how we met IRL as the kids say. One factual correction is that it wasn’t a DC to Calgary group; almost all of the bachelor party except me was from northern California. Now does it make it NOT strange that we were in Calgary for a bachelor party? No, it does not.

Anyhoodles, the rest of that set up is true. I asked Litre for some local recommendations, which was helpful since of the literal dozen guys on this bachelor party, I think only one or two had ever been to Calgary.  Unsurprisingly, his recommendations were great, I’d have to go check my emails for the specific bars but we had a great time and didn’t get thrown out/start an international incident.

Whilst we were corresponding about Calgarian cowboys and watering holes, Litre offered to meet up for a drink and bring me some home made baked goods. I told him I don’t partake but really appreciated the offer, and that it would be great to get a drink. He said he was still going to bring some of his gingersnaps in case my crew wanted them, and I didn’t really want to press the issue either way. So he met us at a restaurant one night, I didn’t REALLY want to tell this crew I was sneaking off for a zero cost drug transaction with an internet stranger, so I just BRB’d and linked up with him at the restaurant’s bar. True to his story, Litre gave me the cookies and the admonition, and as a square, I needed his advice. I meted out one cookie per dude who wanted one, didn’t imbibe, and rebuffed multiple requests for second helpings. One guy, who was very tall and very, um, experienced with various substances insisted so I relented there. One of the other guys I think just took an extra half from someone smart enough to only eat a portion of theirs. But when we left the restaurant, everyone was fine regardless of ingestion status.

That did not hold for the evening as a whole.

At one point, the tall experienced consumer grabbed me by both shoulders and screamed “WHAT WAS IN THOSE I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS HIGH IN MY WHOLE LIFE”. The groom literally disappeared for like an hour until we found him on the dance floor of a casino. One guy literally slept in a stairwell, and by slept, obviously he passed the fuck out and was confused as all hell the next morning. Me? I ended up drinking a few beers in a hot tub and going to sleep at like 2am, but I’m pretty sure that some of those guys saw Jesus or whatever else they wanted to that night (along with some stuff they maybe didn’t want to) courtesy of Litre.

And lest you think I/they wasn’t/weren’t grateful, multiple people asked for another the next day, and I relinquished custody of the contraband because the one cookie per customer lesson had indelibly been learned.

Fin.

What’s On Tonight?

NBA:

Memphis at Cleveland, 6:30PM DFO time on TNT
LAC @ Milwaukee, 9PM DFO time on TNT

NHL:

Nothing, what are you talking about? All Star Game is tomorrow, Moose out front should have told you.

College Hoopsball (Men):

Wisconsin at Ohio State, 6PM DFO time on FS1
Michigan at Northwestern, 6PM DFO time on ESPN2
Houston at Wichita State, 8PM DFO time on ESPN2
Washington at UCLA, 8PM DFO time on FS1
Loyola Marymount at BYU, 8PM DFO time on CBS Sports Network
Oregon at Arizona, 9:30PM DFO time on ESPN
Santa Clara at Gonzaga, 10PM DFO time on CBS Sports Network
Washington State at USC, 10PM DFO time on FS1

College Hoopsball (Women):

Maryland at Iowa, 7:30PM DFO time on ESPN

Football-like substance:

Aforementioned Pro Bowl skills competition, 6PM DFO time on various mouse-related channels

If any of you are so brave/bold as to watch the Pro Bowl sheanigans and want to write about it, let us know. We’ll take the content. And speaking of, next week Litre (and all the other Monday through Thursday open threaders) will be spelled by a returning special guest. Which means I won’t be doing another Thursday thread until the 22nd.  SO MANY 2s. In the meantime, TO THE COMMENTS!