Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.

This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
You can’t love someone unless you love yourself [in bed]
Unknown

If we’d all stop masturbating in bed then we might be able to get nice things. So, no nice things for us, like, ever.

As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.

Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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If Wrexham wins the replay, the will play at home facing Tottenham. That’s a winnable game for Wrexham if they don’t lose on the road in the replay.
TheRevanchist

What happens if the replay ends in a tie?
ballsofsteelandfury

PK’s.
TheRevanchist

In Wichita.
Horatio Cornblower

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I’ve been up since 7:30, because the workers arrived then and I had to get to the office for depositions later today. It is not almost 12:30 and I am exhausted. How you people who get up before 10 do this every day is beyond me.

Of course this is my life for the next 5-6 weeks, so I guess I’ll be finding out.
Horatio Cornblower

Natural light helps, but really you just need to get used to it. Mornings can be quite nice because fewer people are around and they mostly leave you alone
Doktor Zymm

WCS

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It’s just such a shame the fuckers had to shit all over what had been such a fun season. Makes me equal part sad and angry.
King Hippo

See ya next year!
blaxabbath

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Is Brock feeling Purdy bad this morning?

/shows self out
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Lesson from the Shield: Don’t Make Us Look Bad
Redshirt

Hippo suddenly was abducted from his home in a windowless van for this post. He is now covered in a black hood with wrists zip tied, awaiting the arrival of “Big Red.”
LongtimeLionsLoser

How is that any different than how he usually spends his Monday mornings?
Redshirt

The only difference is that this time, when some yells “Bring out the gimp,” it’ll be a different gimp.
LongtimeLionsLoser

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Apologies to any Chiefs fans in the Clubhouse

Redshirt

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What a deranged [Warhammer] universe. I love it.

Also, doesn’t this mean the Necron race will die out? They ain’t making any new ones, right?
Mr. Ayo

I think if you’re immortal you don’t have to make new ones? That could lead to some serious overcrowding. Or I guess the C’tan could just make new ones whenever they felt like they needed more slaves, because you can never have too many slaves doing your bidding!
Doktor Zymm

They can pull themselves back together on the battlefield, and if the body is too damaged the soul is placed in a new body. My son loved it during our games when his Necrons would resurrect.
ArmedandHammered

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I love that you’re writing this, but my chances of penetrating that text are the same as my chances of penetrating Margot Robbie.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Do like I do: Start at the end and work your way up.
ballsofsteelandfury

WCS

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Home renovation update. Yesterday they took the remaining cast iron waste pipe down. It was backed up a good 8′ with the kind of things you flush down toilets. The contractor got sprayed and Mrs. Cornblower was finishing bleaching the walls and floors when I got home. Thank god for depositions.

I feel compelled to point out that we’ve had our septic tank pumped out every 4-5 years since we’ve been in the house, and the waste pipe still got backed up. Apparently it’s not an uncommon thing, and the only warning sign is when septic matter backs up into your house, which isn’t really a warning so much as it is a tragic event.

So I guess this week’s learning opportunity is to throw some Liquid Plumber down the pipes every few months, or maybe shit outside if you live somewhere warm. All I know is we dodged a bullet. Our contractor, eh, not so much.
Horatio Cornblower

The contractor, after leaving the Cornblower Estate:

LemonJello

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Btw, y’all will be glad to know that I sent the Valentine’s Day card shown above to my lady friend and she absolutely loved it.
ballsofsteelandfury

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Wow, I appeared a lot today. I guess the IOC was right, bribery works.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

FIFA Approved!
Horatio Cornblower

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It worked for me…

BugEyedBoo

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“My favorite way to celebrate Valentine’s Day is by _________.”

My wife is getting the same thing she got for Christmas and is getting for her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, and anniversaries for at least a year or two. A card that reads, “I can’t believe it’s only been three months since we went to Bora Bora.”
blaxabbath

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“My favorite way to celebrate Valentine’s Day is by _________.”

Eating out, Whether it’s burgers or seafood, eating out is a great way to celebrate. Just make sure you provide a nice tip after you’re done. Also, explore different locales for eating out. Eating out al fresco can be satisfying, as long as the bug situation is under control. I don’t particularly like getting crabs while eating out, but some people are okay with it. And you may look silly, but wearing a bib will help keep you clean. Oh, and if you’re eating out and it’s ethnic, make sure you observe the proper customs so you don’t do something foolish and get yourself banned from eating there again. Whatever you do, when you eat out, make sure the meat is aged properly, and getting a rare piece is fine as long as it’s not too bloody.
SonOfSpam

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Ok, time to go to bed with a bottle of the least ecologically friendly brand of premium water that was delivered to my door at an unsustainable 70% discount. Doing my part to make this planet friendly for dinosaurs again!
Doktor Zymm

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Mrs. Fozz has been gone since Sunday night, she gets back tomorrow evening.

This house looks like it’s been inhabited by brain damaged rockapes who were battling a Hell’s Angel gang who were liquored up on PCP and grain alcohol.

Good god, I have to call my mother and get her ass over here to clean this place up.
jjfozz

Step 1: Get your entire family bought into The Plan. Explain that Mrs. Fozz’s wrath will consume them all and not just you.
Step 2: Get your camping gear. If you don’t have camping gear, buy camping gear. It is integral to The Plan.
Step 3: Pack up your car and go around the corner. Be out of sight of her.
Step 4: When she returns, pull in behind her.
Step 5: “Oh, yeah, after you left, I took the family camping to get us reconnected with nature. I’m just glad to be home to spend time with my loving…. OH, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR HOUSE?!”
Redshirt

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I’m supposed to go bowling with my team next week. Need this fucking elbow to heal.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is this the tennis elbow from Gumbygirl’s joke? Or are you secretly Brock Purdy?
Doktor Zymm

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Just got back from basketball practice. I thought I had succeeded in telegraphing my wish to be left the fuck alone to all of the other parents on the team. I guess one joker didn’t get the message.

How many one word answers do I have to give you?

How many times do I look up from my phone and grimace?

Look pal, I hate people. I don’t know you, but I know you’re a fucking twat. So leave me alone.

Also, why in FUCK does everyone in the world need to carry water bottles? Are they worried about getting lost in the desert?

Finally, if you’re an adult, and you have a water bottle and you put stickers on it, then I reserve the right to jam that fucking thing right the fuck down your throat. You’re not a 12 year old 8th grader, you’re an adult. Fucking act like one.

Same goes for anyone in the professional world who puts stickers on their laptops. Hey motherfucker, we’re not 9 years old and collecting Pokemon cards. We’re adults.

You want shiny stickers? Fine. I’ll wrap and entire roll of duct tape around your stupid fat head and watch you die slow.
jjfozz

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Denver needs to realize that pulling Pa/eytons off the scrap heap is not a sustainable business model.
BeefReeferLives

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I’m holding a jar of dry roasted peanuts that has a warning that it contains peanuts.
Brick Meathook

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It’s Finally Come To This:

Pour out a drink for my cable TV receiver that was made in the late ’90’s and that I got in 2005. The Bell of Canada no longer supports it so I was forced to upgrade.

Italian Late Night Porn? Gone.

Reykjavik town hall meetings? Gone.

Community events listings in Sitka, Alaska? Gone.

Free Movie Channels up the Wazoo? Done.

/it’s been a good run
scotchnaut

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https://i.postimg.cc/zv7GvDzX/153600.jpg

This looks like my actual nightmare.
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

One well placed air to ground missile and we get society back on track
jjfozz

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I think we should all buy Redshirt a R/T airline ticket and a hotel for three days in someplace outside of the American Midwest.

I nominate Ho Chi Minh City.
Brick Meathook

Nah, Bangkok. See if he can find Kingsbury.
Sharkbait

Bangkok, oriental setting, and the city don’t know what the city is getting.
The creme de la creme of DFO in a show with everything but wee Shamus
Time flies, doesn’t seem a minute since Kissing Suzy Kolber had the commentists in it
All change, don’t you know that when you comment at this level, it’s no ordinary venue?
It’s KSK, or Deadspin, or Defector, or… or this place!
Dunstan

I just love how this place instantly turned on a dime to “We need to get Redshirt on a plane.” and “We need to get Redshirt laid.”

God bless you all, imaginary friends.
Redshirt

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The ticket DFO buys for Redshirt:

herodotus450

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You know, I never thought there were be a bigger swinging gate disaster than when the Colts tried it…

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/family-activist-decapitated-swinging-gate-utah-park-awarded-105m-rcna68861
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jesus Christ, that’s like the plot of ‘Final Destination 18’ or some shit.
Horatio Cornblower

she was in a car and the gate still hit her, holy shit.
Game Time Decision

A human rights activist from Uganda…meanwhile Greene and Boebert remain undecapitated by wind-blown gates. Just not fair.
SonOfSpam

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[looks at her son’s Radio Flyer]
[think about how dangerous it would be to have an engine on that thing]
[adds this article to the WebNanny blocked list]
– Olivia Manning

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Poor boy

2Pack

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Redshirt

Redshirt

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Welp, Joe Mixon just ended his career with the Bengals.
Redshirt

I can’t lie, “aggravated menacing” sounds pretty baller. Beatie will no doubt be accepted into one of the kewl prison gangs.
King Hippo

He lives 10 minutes from my house. I’ve driven on that road. It’s a nice neighborhood with a picturesque view of the ocean.

That’ll do Mixon well when he spends…(checks notes)…180 days to 1 year in jail.

Just kidding!! We don’t have room in our jails.
Redshirt

View of the ocean, near your house, I guess my geography skills have really deteriorated.
ArmedandHammered

To be fair, Ohio is very similar to Florida.
ballsofsteelandfury

In my defense, I’m the product of an Ohio Public School Education.
Redshirt

The acronym for Ohio Public School Education is quite close to OOPSIE!
Doktor Zymm

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These gifs are from the archive of my first image posts on KSK, way back when:

Brick Meathook

“Landed right in the middle!”

=B. Walsh
SonOfSpam

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Lotta holiday talk but ppl forget we already got Love Day, what more do you need?

herodotus450

[sighs] – Green Bay Packers management
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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You got me at “replace genocide day”, the rest is guacamole

Don T

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Mrs. Cola and I are about to put Deci to bed. Then document Milf Manor’s first few episodes for you folk. I will get high prior.

/BC Dick is somehow now
litre_cola

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Oh i just thought everyone was beating “Don’t you hate pants?!” to death and I was enjoying the ride.
blaxabbath

Do PJ pants count as pants? I mean hating real pants I get, but comfy pants are awesome.
Sharkbait

There are different levels of anti-pants, under strict anti-pants Orthodoxy it is all pants that are verboten, while at the other end reform anti-pantsers only shun hard pants.
Doktor Zymm

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Which one is other hippo
Alex_Demote

Don’t ask. We don’t.
WCS

There’s only two of them. Just pick one and you have a 50% chance of being correct.

And a 100% chance of him not caring if you got it right or wrong.
Mr. Ayo

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Having been here for a month, and collaborating with Hippo on anything, let alone an actual post, is like going from sixth grade reading class to covering the Mint 400 live with Hunter Thompson in four weeks.
WCS

I learned to read in so many new ways through this exercise
Alex_Demote

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Goodnight sun. Goodnight moon. Goodnight Chinese spy balloon.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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In summary, 6-11 next year?

Mr. Ayo/2Pack

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Oh look, it’s Stabby Ray. That’s enough Pro Bowl for me!
Gumbygirl

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Eli: “I’ve no clue how Toys R’Us went bankrupt. Over.”

NFC QB: “Call a play, goddamnit!”

Eli: “Pass play. Make sure the guy catches it on his helmet! Over.”

QB: “THIS ISN’T A WALKIE-TALKIE!”

Eli: “Got it, Big Bear-we’ve got a CB situation here. When does the convoy start?”
scotchnaut

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I’ve completed my first run at packing for my Seychelles/Madagascar/Mauritius trip. Think I might actually be able to bring my own fins, but nawt sure I want to haul them around Madagascar for 2 weeks. I’ll have about 5-10 dives most likely, and I really do like my own fins better, but rental fins aren’t horrible.
Doktor Zymm

“Your own fins can be overrated.”

-Nemo, the fish from the children’s movie with the crippled fin.

“I don’t want to be a crippled Fin.”

-Tua, after concussion number infinity
LongtimeLionsLoser

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“Harry, Your My Hero” sign in the crowd. I realize your just a kid but your stupid.

/just venting
scotchnaut

You’re

/ ducks the hurling bowling ball
2Pack

I corrected his grammar once. Once.

– Hobo in Northern Ontario
ballsofsteelandfury

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I wish I had a super bowel. Just squeeze it out like a tube of toothpaste. Would be a major improvement over this messy back-end hassle the good lord clearly threw in at the last minute.
BC Dick

Angel 1: “A third of the prototypes are having faulting waste disposal protocols and lack the subroutine to tell them its time to expel solid waste. Do we have time to debug these issues.”

Angel 2: “No. God wants us to get started on something called “football” and “beer”. Put the prototypes into full production!”
Redshirt

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Got my schoolwork turned in at 11:59 on a midnight deadline. I still got it, baby!

Fronkenshteen

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I fooking love Stevie Wonder. I’ve only watched about 15 minutes of the Grammy Awards show and it’s 15 times better than any VMA show for at least the past decade.
TheRevanchist

That’s more than he’s watched of it.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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I have no beef with the Pro Bowl. I just don’t care about a pro fitbaw All Star game. Unless QBs started throwing to the groin of conference rival star tight ends.
Don T

Football to the groin was an amazing video…

LongtimeLionsLoser

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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