Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life [in bed].
Victor Hugo, ‘Les Miserables’
This is about anal again, isn’t it. I thought a few of these with the “in bed” would be fun or funny on their own, but not all of them this bad. We’re a sick species and no wonder we can’t have nice things [in bed].
It’s now been 3 fucking years since I was in the office. As I’m an IT type and rarely meet my clients in person, this isn’t a big deal to not be in the office for me, as I’d still be on the same Zoom\Teams calls now from the office instead of at home. Even in pre-Covid times I was rarely in the office with kids and a shift-working partner, so very used to being a home working. I’ve got a room at home with a L shaped desk, a second monitor and a comfy office chair, so it’s very easy to work. There’s been a few suggestions to come back into the office, but nothing mandatory yet, so not going until I have to. The only exception would be that I would try to go in if my boss comes up from Texas. Haven’t seen him in ages and he’ll buy drinks and dinner after work, so would be nice to have that bit of social time with him. And I totally get how lucky I am to be able to work remote full time in a job a kinda like. Props to those that go into the office.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
For my second round pick I’m going with a DFO seafood boil. Pass out the mallets and ice cold beer! (Make mine a ginger ale. I’m ten days shy of 6 months sober today). I guess I’d go lobster bisque for the appetizer and chocolate mousse for dessert.
Fronkenshteen
I think a fun little prank would be to show your spouse this [last meal] draft, ask what they would choose, and then the following evening serve them that meal.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
RTD’s DFO Viking-esque funeral, dramatic re-creation:
LemonJello
Home renovations update: We are in the home stretch. The counters went in today and the plumbers are here hooking up appliances.
Speaking of the appliances: We have a gas stove, but it’s propane, as the Good Lord and Hank Hill intended. In order to hook it up we need a conversion packet, as most stoves are for natural gas. or so I’ve been told. The plumber as never seen a conversion packet like the one we had hand-delivered to the house. He is watching a video to put it together and I just heard my wife figure something out that had been confusing him.
My wife is not a plumber.
If I go radio silent in the very near future you will all know why.
Horatio Cornblower
“No, I don’t know what happened to him. Last night I served him a dinner of Mexican Coca-Cola, (chilled), garlic tater tots, a cheeseburger done medium rare with bacon & mushrooms, and as many fresh chocolate chip cookies as he wanted and then he said he was going to stay up late writing for this silly website of his, and when I woke up in the morning he wasn’t here. Oh, who is that gentleman, you’re asking? That’s just the plumber. And why is he wearing my husband’s bathrobe? I suppose he was just getting into character, trying to see it from the client’s perspective, if you will.” – Mrs. Cornblower, speaking to officers responding to a missing persons’ report filed by Horatio’s employer
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Great stuff Alex! I too love the Olympics (summer moar than winter) and having them in LA when I was a teenager was awesome. They’ll be back here in 5 years and I can’t wait. The Phelps story is really heartwarming, and he’s really become a better version of himself as he’s grown older and worked on his demons. (I tend to work WITH my demons)
SonOfSpam
Couldn’t beat ’em so you joined ’em, eh?
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Well, they seemed like a fun group.
SonOfSpam
Dockweiler Beach – 2/27/23
Brick Meathook
In future news, Matt Ryan attempted to sign a one-day contract today to retire as an Atlanta Falcon, but mistakenly signed the wrong line and signed a five-year contract. Yet another comeback thanks to Matt Ryan.
Redshirt
Anybody watching Baylor at OK St? It’s relatively uncompelling basketball.
montythisseemsstrangetome
Which is odd, since Baylor athletics is known for compelling people to do things against their will.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
I just ignited a paper towel in the microwave when cooking maple bacon for a late-night snack. Boy, this Monday won’t leave without a fight.
Redshirt
Don T
High as fuck in Riverside, ma dudes! Bad news: the furnace is broken. Good news: It’s only the downstairs furnace, and there’s a gas fireplace. And no Gumby!! He’s called like three times already, but he did send me this!
Gumbygirl
Still watching the cricket. I am amazingly drawn to it.
ballsofsteelandfury
(stoned as fuck, sitting in his underwear watching an insect rub its back legs together)
SonOfSpam
This is brutal
2Pack
Renovation Update: I’ve used all the burners on the stove and I’m still here, so as far as RTD is concerned
We are now moving things into new cabinets and have discovered that we have a bunch of Fentanyl patches, (expired 2015-2016) and some old oxycodone, (expired 2015), among other medication of extremely questionable vintage.
I’ll start the bidding at $20 American. Shipping not included.
Horatio Cornblower
“DON’T NONE OF YOU SLAPDICKS EVEN THINK OF BIDDING. THEY’S MINE!”
LemonJello
For the Kings fans here.
Sharkbait
Paging Crimebeat: https://www.wsbtv.com/news/local/uga-star-jalen-carter-charged-reckless-driving-connection-deadly-crash/A7YOPTD6C5HWVOURP6RPNL45SQ/
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
“Law officials confirm that Andy Reid has refused to take a paternity test”
BeefReeferLives
We got some much needed rain in LA proper and beautiful snow in the mountains, but no major damages or problems.
There were lots of trees down around here, but we didn’t lose power (or internet) for more than a second or two. Pretty impressed with the utilities.
Oh, and fuck the LIV and the Saudis and their sportswashing bullshit, and fuck every golfer that accepted their blood money.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
So my nephew got in some minor trouble at work, and the Dr. Mrs. went to bat for him as an advocate, which is good. It worked out fine – they docked him some pay – but now she wants to send them a letter to the supervisors complaining about the process, and every fiber of me is screaming “HOW DOES THIS HELP OUR NEPHEW?” In my eyes she’s basically she’s putting a target that says “Aunt Karen” on the poor kid’s back with no tangible benefit to him.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Distract her with a subscription to Vacuuming Monthly?
LemonJello
Me: I need to be on a court call in 15 minutes
Mrs. Horatio: This’ll be quick
/starts vacuuming
Me: (thinking) is this like how all the fungus are interconnected on The Last of Us?
Horatio Cornblower
I’m signing all my emails today with “PLANECAR, COCKWEASELS!”
ballsofsteelandfury
Jerry Richardson died. That’s 3/5ths sad.
SonOfSpam
blax: “It appears you don’t know how to do your job.”
employee who has been here forever: “yes I do. See I just do this and that.”
blax: “Your job is to do the things right before and right after this and that.”
employee: “oh, I thought the computer does it.”
blax: “See, you USED to do this and that. Then I automated that part of the work like five years ago. Remember when you created a big fire and basically tried to keep it hidden until we had a big to-do with our largest customer and I was brought up from my job duties to come fix your like entire performance for a month that you knew was wrong for a good 20 days? And after you told me an hour synopsis on how everything unrelated to the matter at hand is what probably happened but who knows because this standard software that everyone uses is unreliable and I just zoned out until you shut up then I showed you this button I built and showed you to press it and still no additional work was added to your day? And you were all happy that like 40% of your duties and 90% of your mistakes were being paired down to simply making sure that the automated system had good input and good output? Many days, less than 10 pairs of numbers had to be confirmed as your complete task duties. Your shit just couldn’t be wrong so we fixed it, showed you how to put two numbers next to each other, and then see if they are the same? But, and I’m just guessing based on everything else around here, you quit checking the input/output about 3 minutes after I had walked away five years ago. So, anyways, when you click the button it does the two steps you SAY you do but your job is to confirm this and that is correct; click the button; and confirm it matches the output. It should 100% of the time but, if not, you know you have a mistake so you can fix it before sending the work through.”
employee: “oh I never really knew why I was supposed to do that. [five minute tangent about how an unrelated matter is unrelated and from ten years ago] I’ve never really understood how to click the button either or why I did this or that.”
blax: “cool. so i’m moving all this from your responsibilities while I make a fix. This is good so I can run the real system in parallel with the new one I am testing because it needs to be rolled over by end of month. For about the next month, when you get the input, just scan it to my email.”
employee: “cool then you’ll come back and give us like a full training on this system you’re building?”
blax: “I’ll show it to you right now on this screen. See? The input doesn’t come through here anymore. It only came here to have the format converted, basically. So I just have the conversion computed two steps before you and then we’re able to get the steel fabrication AND loose assemblies into production — which is how we generate the revenue that funds payroll every week — about two days earlier because your office only seems to click the button twice a week instead of daily like I’ve insisted multiple times is the only right way, even when you’re not overly busy. So it’s faster, always correct, and doesn’t require an additional conversion after your step because, even thought you’ve been here forever and you’re responsible for things that I’d argue are much more important as those numbers, you’ve managed to establish that, after your full time job, I need to have a senior technical person perform a simple review task because the listed items are parts ‘you don’t get’ and it’s just, as I understood from your old manager, ‘not what you could do.’ Even though you deal with a bunch of topics you surely don’t get, including in your other core duties.”
employee: “So what do I do when this is on and I get the input, do I keep scanning it to you?”
blax: “the input goes away. this isn’t even your job. remember whenever we trace mistake back to some careless error by you, you just shrug and figure if it’s so important then someone else should do it because you say your job is to do [other stuff]? This is between the superintendent and the senior technical person so it’s staying between them so they can be responsible for it and, you’ll like this, I’ll know any mistakes will be between the two of them and you’ll be able to help me because your OTHER core duty will be used as a check on this! So you know that other button you click?”
employee: “I don’t push that other button anymore. Remember you told me that day to not push it because it wouldn’t do anything?”
blax: “Like a year ago? Yeah, you told me it wasn’t working. I fixed the link, tested it, and told you it was back up and let me know if there were more issues. You said it worked fine. You’ve told me since when I’ve just checked in that everything was working fine.”
employee: “I don’t know. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I just thought you were asking about the This and That button.”
blax: “I’m just going to get myself copied on the input emails so you don’t have to forward them to me.”
employee: “So you want me to just print and file the input without the output?”
blax: “Yeah that’s fine for now if you want.”
employee: “Well, if there’s no output to go with it, do I need to print and file it?”
blax: “Good point. The filing format is being refined as well if you’d like to help me start reorganizing the existing folders. We’re slow now so it shouldn’t be that bad. Would really help me out too. I haven’t even figured out exactly how everything is going to completely work until the roll out is done. We’re still going to keep the paper files at the production shops though so that’ll be good to start getting in order.”
employee: “well, we don’t know when these current jobs will finish. some will probably be done before you change the filing format. shouldn’t we wait on this so we don’t waste hours of time on files that don’t need to be reorganized?”
blax: “yeah that’s fine too. really, Probably will not be more than a 20 minute task when the time comes anyways. Alright, I’m good. Gonna get out of here then.”
employee: “yeah. if you need to more about how we do things, you probably need to talk to the superintendent. But for like, anything else, let me know if you ever need anything.”
I’m gonna bring in Fozz to handle my layoffs….
blaxabbath
If there’s an “industrial accident” at your workplace, you were here with us, the whole time.
LemonJello
Speaking of women I wouldn’t know what to do with, I made a new drink tonight called the Wildest Redhead
https://imbibemagazine.com/recipe/the-wildest-redhead-from-meaghan-dorman/
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Not sure where I would get allspice dram.
BugEyedBoo
Other than mine and Sharky’s house?
I don’t remember where you live but high end liquor stores tend to have it.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Most common brand name is St. Elizabeth’s
Dunstan
‘Tis indeed the one I have
BrettFavresColonoscopy
As is mine.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
That’s what mine says too!
— Lea Michele holding a bottle of shampoo
Mr. Ayo
That idjit dog of ours got out without her invisible fence receiver this evening, thanks to my idjit mother-in-law. The dog went apeshit beside the house, and it turned out that she had gotten a possum. When those things play dead, you think they’re really dead. As in, “I know these things play dead, but I think the dog actually killed this one.” After getting the dog under control, I grabbed my phone to go get a picture. Sure enough, the possum was playing and is now gone.
BugEyedBoo
Free rabies for all!
WCS
It turns out possums are immune to rabies. Their body temperature is too low.
BugEyedBoo
Toddlerzilla and I were playing when he grabbed his hard, plastic Stegasaurus toy and sucker punched me with it in the head. He busted me open the hard way.
I’m now going to have to whoop him to re-establish dominance, aren’t I?
/I’m obviously joking, but holy shit that hurt.
Wakezilla
Fuck his mother to send a message.
Mr. Ayo
Cousinfuckers can get their church shoes out and cleaned. WVU’s goin’ to the Tournament.
WCS
Remember that time I told you folks a story about how a friend of mine was a college professor and had to flunk a young woman because she was too dimwitted and scatterbrained to keep up with the class, and that the young woman eventually became a Hollywood actress but it had happened recently enough that my friend wasn’t comfortable with me sharing the actress’s name just quite yet? Good times.
Why am I bringing that up now? Oh, no reason.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Good lord. Stopped watching to do some housework, (no vacuuming, got to use a hammer on some Ikea furniture we’re getting rid of), and if I was following this game closely I’m pretty sure I’d be drunk.
Horatio Cornblower
Been there. Dat chit is worldwide.
2Pack
The ride is always bumpier than the finish
I mean, “lumpier” was sitting right there. smh…
scotchnaut
Looks like The Maestro was in Uruguay recently
Sharkbait
If you have having trouble “loggin in”, once logged in it may say that you are not logged in, at that point, refresh the page. If that does not work, then clear your cache and “loggin in” again.
Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
NOTE banner image from here
Ooh, soccer fight!
My wife is off to see the Lakers game. Should I take some drugs? I should take some drugs, right?
Take all the drugs!
That answer is always “yes” unless you’re scheduled to take a drug test.
“And the game has been paused as a mysterious woman has begun vacuuming center court. How about that!”
Chelsea are an absolute clusterfuck right now, and they’re winning 1-0 with a second shot at a PK.
As a certain lost dog might say: THAT’S ROCKING!!!
I’d tune in but it doesn’t seem like it’s on any channel that I get.
CBS has it here in CT.
Here too! Let nobody ever say again that Horatio Cornblower isn’t smarter than Google.
Thanks!
ditto Yinzburgh
Where is that good boy? Has anyone checked the pound?
The Dr. Mrs. just handed me a pair of scissors blades out. And slightly open, even, so the really sharp edges were exposed. I was genuinely shocked, like, even Eli Manning knows not to do that.
Forensics will show she has treated the blade of the scissors with….antifreeze.
https://twitter.com/TomPelissero/status/1633210264798609408
He had one good game in the play-offs. One.
I shouldn’t have to tell the Giants this, but you never go full Dak Prescott.
It’s shitty that Dimes and Saquon’s situations came up at the same time, limiting what Shoen could do. I just hope that Daboll/Kafka expand on his skillset and get some help at WR because he can’t keep running like he was doing. I don’t think there’s been a single mock (I’ve seen at least 30 or so) where the Giants don’t draft at that spot.
Help on the O-line wouldn’t kill them, (seems like we say that every year about the Giants), but yeah, WR makes by far the most sense.
And Barkley is going to get screwed over in the end.
He’ll get aknee injury and everything will solve itself.
Based on the comments below, if we ever have to change the name of this little site of ours I’d like to nominate Lea Michele’s Reading Room as the next title.
I’d use it for fantasy football but, much like a Dr. Seuss book in Lea’s hands, it’s too wordy for Yahoo.
We just got a new organic waste garbage can. Based on the instructions that came with it, I am apparently now Lea Michele. I can’t make heads nor tails of them. What is recycle, what is organic waste, what is regular trash, it’s a mystery to me! I’m sure the garbage police will be coming around to give me a lecture, and maybe a good paddlin’.
does the paddlin’ cost extra or is that part of the normal package?
Would “Lea Michele’s Diary” work for fantasy football?
We’ll find out next year, but it doesn’t have the alliterative ring of ‘Reading Room’.
Not that Lea would concern herself with something like alliteration. Or literature. Or literacy.
Ooh, ‘Lea Michele’s Blank Diary’ has a certain ring to it.
If length isn’t an issue* I prefer Reading Room.
*”it is” – Deanna Favre
Howsabout Lea’s Library?
*Libary
**Liberry
You asked Lea to spell “library” and this is what she produced:
Non-exclusive franchise tag on LAMAR! so any other team can match or go over the Ratbirds offer.
It’s a shame the Browns are in Watson Prison. Lamar is challenging the system and, if he says no enough, effectively goes to free agency — that is some NBA level player empowerment (a quote i heard).
But that’s only if they’re is a market for Lamar. And while the price for him is two firsts or whatever, the real price is would be the owner’s breaking open a true free market for players still under contract.
I hope Lamar burns out all to the ground and Flores is his coach for it.
I post things late at night on the west coast so nobody really sees them. So here’s an encore.
I do a lot of empty streets photography in downtown L.A. at night for a larger project, but here’s a test run down Broadway at real-time speed. The first three blocks are a “hot set” for the latest Batman movie (I think it’s Joker 2). Note all the security guards; this stretch has been set-decorated to look like a 1970s trashy New York/Gotham City. They’re not shooting right now, but all the garbage they placed has to be guarded. The stores are all boarded up and covered with graffiti and the movie marquees are all kung fu flicks. The trucks are props/grip and there are generators everywhere.
Downtown L.A. has been a fantastic movie set since the 1970s when it was basically abandoned, but people are moving back now so a lot of the decrepit charm (which I love) is vanishing.
https://vimeo.com/804946837
When they shot Westworld here they had to assign a security guard to watch over their robot graffiti at night so nobody would paint over it. I found that rather amusing.
I’m giving yinz a warning now: I sincerely hope this Kendrick Perkins-JJ Reddick spat is just a 24-hour thing. Sean Hannity is going to be “outraged.”
https://www.thebiglead.com/posts/kendrick-perkins-gets-jj-redick-mvp-vote-01gtyd2qg82s
Alright, alright, alright… GTD… great hustle Buddy…
/ spins around quickly and walks into a light pole
Strong gust of wind will take her to Oz.
I can’t believe RTD’s professor friend had Lea Michele in his class.
Fuck, that was supposed to go below SoS’s comment.
Man, Lea’s gonna kill me when she reads th…
Oh, never mind.
“Trust me, you do not want to get under SoS.” – SoS’s wife
Unfortunately, Lea Michele was there trying to order tapas.
Hadn’t seen the Allspice post, and I’m so happy that all of the comments were included just so we could get the Lea Michele thing at the end.
I can tell you work in IT because you used a backslash instead of a regular slash.
To be fair, it would be awkward fitting this between those two words
i thought them as forward slash and back slash
“Either way, you didn’t see nothing.” – Ray Lewis, with a menacing look
Windows – \\
Linux – /
Although Windows knows / as well.
ETA: The editor here doesn’t like backslash.
I’m that guy that Blax is talking to whenever anyone in our organization comes up with a “more efficient” way to do something, “more efficient” being code for “easier to audit files, so we can ding you for irrelevant things without having to do a lot of reading”, except it’s not incompetence, (well, mostly not), on my part, it’s a malicious intent to never do anything that makes things easier for other people unless it also makes things easier for me. Since that Venn diagram most frequently looks like a pair of fake breasts I find myself smiling and nodding a lot whole the monkey in my brain just sits there banging cymbals together.
“You have my undivided attention.”
— Horatio, starting a deposition (artist’s rendition)
My coworker told me a long time ago, “If you’re just nodding your head during an explanation, you don’t really understand it.” Busted. Words to live by.
Also words to live by: don’t put mayo and cheese on the same side of the sandwich, because if you do the cheese will slide around.
Yes.
Yes you are.
“I loved this…”
-Jared Goff, thinking his market is now $170MM over 4 years for his next contract
I swear the collective hivemind here could build and reasonably run a football team. We can’t really do any worse that Hue Jackson’s two season 1-32 record.
I also have a feeling that we know we don’t know it all, so would listen to the assistant and position coaches, and prob the scouts too
Just don’t put hippo in charge of the medical staff
He can’t be worse than the Chargers.
Wow, that was a deflating comment…
(I’ll show myself out)
Hold my beer
-Miami Medical staff, diagnosing back injuries
Most of us would. There are a few, not naming names, who would go full Jerrah!
I’d like to think at least 25% of us can look better than Matt Patricia on any given day.
I’m uglier than a troll, and even I know when it’s time to shower and shave.
*future in-laws not withstanding
“You forgot to include ‘using offensive plays designed by the most brilliant head coach in the NFL’.” – Josh McDaniels, without a trace of irony
:Burns the top of McDaniels’ head and neck but not the forehead.:
– Earth’s Sun