We’ve reached The Ides of March, which can only mean one thing: Time to stab your local emperor! If you don’t have an emperor, then I guess you can fill out an NCAA Basketball bracket instead. Every March, the top 64 or 68 or whatever teams meet in a single-elimination tournament to decide which college team is best at this specific point in time. Your predictive skills can win you money (if that sort of thing is legal in your neck of the woods and it’s probably not you criminal), so we here at DFO decided to help you by previewing this year’s field. Follow along as we tell you who’s good, who’s bad, and who’s next (you won’t be fooled again).

A word of caution before you get too invested: No one really knows anything, least of all me. Other than that, this info is rock solid.

SOUTH REGION

16) Texas A&M-Corpus Christi or Southeast Missouri State – I spent more time typing these schools’ names than Alabama will spend scouting them. They play in Dayton for the right to get castrated by the Crimson Tide.

15) Princeton – Who doesn’t love a scrappy Ivy League underdog? Listen, Pete Carril is not coaching here any more, so take your curb-stomping like good little Kensingtons and piss off back to New Jersey.

14) UC Santa Barbara – A great place to spend four years, Oprah’s backyard is home to wineries, beaches, and pleasant weather, and the Gauchos will get to head back home forthwith after losing in the first round.

13) Furman – Weird that they named a college after the racist cop in the O.J. trial, but at least the Paladins have a cool nickname. “Furman” was an important job in the middle ages (making sure the townspeople all had mink stoles).

12) College of Charleston – Seems like every year a #12 seed beats a #5 seed, but I don’t think these guys are the ones to do it. Fun fact: Charleston has slave quarters that you can tour, and you should take the opportunity before the state shuts them down for being woke or some racist shit. Our history is super amazing!

11) North Carolina State – The Wolfpack (or Wolven Sort depending on aquatic mammal status) are just good enough to get in, and probably not good enough to stick around. They’re like the ugly girl who gets in free because it’s Ladies Night (MMM SOPHISTICATED MAMA) but goes home sober and alone.

10) Utah State – The Aggies (what a stupid terrible nickname and like 50 different college use it) are the first lower seed that might maybe possibly ok definitely will win a game in this region. Utah State is in Logan, which is the first name of 38% of Utah State’s students. You’re not Wolverine. Get a real name.

9) West Virginia – John Denver sang about it then crashed his plane. Also Marshall is in West Virginia. There’s a connection here, like that between West Virginia cousins. It’s intimate and wholly weird. Anyway, the basketball team is probably gonna win a game, then head back to campus to learn about the devil and moonshine.

8) Maryland – Is there a more “yeah, I guess they exist” college than Maryland? Joe Biden is making Delaware famous, and Maryland’s just sitting there in a daze like a Ray Lewis stabbing victim. One and done for this bunch.

7) Missouri – The state that makes Kansas look progressive. It’s not an accident that Missouri sounds like misery; it’s so bad and ugly that East St. Louis decided to set up shop in Illinois. Hey, cool arch. One more and you got a McDonald’s. Stupid place. Lose to Utah State and get out.

6) Creighton – Home of The Barrels. These guys are kinda okay and will win a game. Maybe even two! Probably not, but not completely impossible. “Creighton” sounds less like a university than a persnickety retail manager that no one likes. “Oh great, I’m closing tonight, and I gotta work with stupid Creighton. He’s the worst.”

5) San Diego State – The Aztecs go to school in one of the nicest cities in the country, and yet they play ugly basketball. Low-scoring defensive battles are their forte. They should win one game, then probably lose a yawner in the 2nd round.

4) Virginia – Another good defensive team, these guys might win two games by default. Often called “The Public Ivy” by people who went there, Virginia is in Charlottesville, where people like to shout about not being replaced, even though those people should absolutely be replaced. By grenade shrapnel.

3) Baylor – These wackos from Waco are talented but inconsistent. Could definitely lose to Creighton, could also beat Arizona. Most likely will win two games, but anything is possible,, especially at a Baptist school that condones rape.

2( Arizona – Big and talented team that will be a handful for anyone who plays them. Seems like they have a good path to the last eight, and with decent luck they could go further than that. Motivation is key for these guys; the longer they stay alive, the longer they stay away from Tucson.

1) Alabama – Oh goody, now these guys are good at basketball too. School’s mascot was chosen when Mr. Abama (“Al” to his friends) had to buy new linens after an extended visit from his wife’s Aunt Flo. THAT’S A PERIOD JOKE. This region more than any other seems chalky, and either Alabama or Arizona should be the winner.

EAST REGION

16) Texas Southern/Fairleigh Dickinson – Again, these guys should enjoy the spotlight in Dayton, then the Boilermakers will end the winners’ run posthaste. “Fairleigh Dickinson” couldn’t be more foppish.

15) Vermont – The Fightin White Liberals had some good teams last decade, but this bunch is gonna fold like Bernie Sanders halfway through a Presidential primary. Their real mascot is the “Catamounts” which sounds like an Italian guy apologizing for his horny feline.

14) Montana State – They actually could win a game…Kansas State is vulnerable, what with dressing in purple like a bunch of Prince wannabes. Montana State should have one game a year where they wear blonde wigs and introduce the team as Hannah Montana State, and a good time would be had by all.

13) Louisiana – The Ragin Cajuns are not gonna win any games, but they are gonna talk like Paul Prudhomme and say “gumbo” a lol and we thank them for their service. Louisiana – come for the crayfish, stay for the crawfish.

12) Oral Roberts – Their first-round matchup with Duke features two schools hated by everybody. “No way I’m rooting for some televangelist scan school…oh crap, they’re playing Duke? Dammi, I pick nobody. Like Geddy said, if I choose not to decide I still have made a choice. Also, the words of the prophet were written on the studio walls.”

11) Providence – The school that made Rick Pitino famous is back in the tourney. When the team captain orders hash browns, the potatoes go from right out of the frying pan into a Friar and I’m so sorry, that was just a dogshit joke. Gonna take five and regroup.

(takes five)

10) USC

(takes another five)

10) USC – Ok, so I hate the Trojans. Always have. So when I say they’re gonna lose first round, maybe it’s just blind hatred. But then, they’re not that good either. They might cheat well enough to win, but Aunt Becky’s daughter is running the point.

9) Florida Atlantic – Good for the Owls, who haven’t been to the playoffs ever (or in a long time, please editor look that up for me) (editor’s note: we don’t have an editor). They have a shot against Memphis, but I ain’t down with no Owls unless they give me lollipop info are real talk about pollution.

8) Memphis – They’re pretty good, so give them a win. Also, it’s a good city to walk in. Weird though, when walking down Beale Street, you may find yourself ten feet up in the air. And someone will probably shoot at you.

7) Michigan State – They had a shooting there recently, and shooting is what basketball players do. It’s a good omen and the Spartans should win their first game. Their coach is Izzo but I checked and it’s not the zoftig flautist.

6) Kentucky – The Wildcats have kinda played like Mildcats at times. Holy shit, that is gold. Sending that in right now to the New Yorker. Anyway, I think they’ll make the final 16 and the flame out spectacularly. This state has two really horrible senators. If it weren’t for the first Saturday in May, I’d say we should sell the state to Guatemala for 3 bananas and some kelp.

5) Duke – God, this region just gets worse with every team. Despite the retirement of Coach Shisheffski (he retires, he gets spelled phonetically), Duke is plenty easy to hate. Sadly, they come into the tourney playing really well. So let’s give them two wins, and then an excruciating loss that makes the Dookies sad.

4) Tennessee – This is a good team who’s missing a key guy. Let’s call him “Leslie” for now. Without Leslie, they’re probably losing to Duke. They should beat Louisiana in a battle of trash states (New Orleans excepted…at least it’s fun trash)

3) Kansas St. – The Wildcats (guh) overachieved this season, so a lot of experts are crapping on their chances. I’m not an expert, but I will join them in crapping on Kansas St., and suddenly the Germans are interested in our little soiree. They’ll win a game and that’s all, they could leave but they won’t go, though their heart might tell them so, they can’t feel a thing from their head down to their toes.

2) Marquette – Now here’s a team that can do some damage, and not just because they’re from Wisconsin and therefore probably drunk. Their body of work suggests a pretty deep run, whereas my body suggests a potential deep vein thrombosis. That’s two “deep” references, so for a third one I’ll say that Deep Purple had many many songs better than “Smoke on the Water” but that’s the one we always hear on the radio. Decent chance these guys make the last or “final” four.

1) Purdue – Really good team that could win the whole thing, but…it’s Purdue. Just seems a little too podunk to get a trophy. Like, the refs at some point will just go, let’s burn these guys and be done with them. Their nickname, the Boilermakers, are all about the train and not the drink. Stupid. Anyway, The Narrative says they lose to Duke.

MIDWEST REGION

16) Northern Kentucky – They so badly want to be in Ohio. “Oh, you’re in Kentucky?” “Yeah, but like NORTHERN so we’re almost in a better state.” Anyway, they’re gonna get run outta the tournament quickly, so enjoy them while you can. (You will not enjoy them.)

15) Colgate – Is it possible to enjoy life’s brief perfect moments amidst all the tragedies we’re guaranteed to experience? Joy must be counterbalanced by pain, happiness by despair. For every dead Rush Limbaugh, there’s a still-living Henry Kissinger. What does any of this have to do with Colgate? Nothing. Let go and embrace the abyss.

14) Kennesaw State – The school was named after the first baseball commissioner, so I have no idea how they’re gonna win a basketball game. “Kennesaw” is also what Barbie used to help her dispose of the body. She is not to be trifled with.

13) Kent State – Kent State always had good shooters. Also, tin soldiers and Nixon coming. This is probably the best #13 seed in the field, and they have a legitimate chance to beat Indiana. Probably won’t happen, so just listen to Neil Young instead. Damn Canuck troublemaker, I hope the FBI opens a file on him.

12) Drake – Did you notice that, in each region, we started at the bottom? Now we’re here. If you’re looking for a 12-5 upset, this is your huckleberry. Speaking of which. I want a Tombstone sequel set in the Top Gun universe. All the dialogue is “You’re dangerous, huckleberry!” Then Michelle Yeoh shows up and beats everyone’s ass. I’d pay at least $100 to watch that.

11) Mississippi State/Pittsburgh – Ooh, an eleven-seed play-in game. Both teams should lose the next game, so watch this one and learn nothing. Kind of like when you read this post.

10) Penn State – If you want to get away with abusing a minor, THIS is the school for you. They’re gonna lose the first game, and the whole Central Pennsylvania area should be nuked from orbit. I guess I’m saying I don’t like them.

9) Auburn – They’ve been dull since Charles Barkley played there. That was a while ago. Jameis Winston was fun, stealing crab legs and all, but he was a football guy. Since I can’t think of anything else about their basketball program, mark them down for a first-round loss.

8) Iowa – Seems wrong, but Iowa is actually a fun team to watch. They’ll beat Auburn, but after that the road gets rough. As opposed to driving in Iowa, where the road gets long and boring. “Long and boring” also describes a concrete drill bit. (You totally thought I was going for a dick joke there. Filthy animal.)

7) Texas A&M – Did you know that the “A&M” stands for Agricultural And Military? Go to Lubbock to learn how to raise a cow then blow it up with a grenade. SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED is something stupid ammosexuals say because they want grenades and automatic rifles and they are stupid. Anyway, this is a pretty good team who could surprise the #2 seed but probably won’t.

6) Iowa State – Why would they put all these Iowa schools in the same region? Maybe this is the sleepy white region. Or perhaps the tornado and corn region. Either way, these guys have a shot a two wins.

5) Miami, FL – Crockett and Tubbs were cool. The rest of Miami is gonna be under water in 10 years. Does cocaine float? Anyway, they had a nice season, but they’re in danger girl. They might be out first round. But if they survive Drake, they could go another round or so. Basically this is a team that plays basketball and whatnot.

4) Indiana – Regardless of the talent level of this year’s Hoosiers, the fact remains that Bobby Knight is a shithead who needs a beating even at whatever age he is. The ex-coach of Duke, Bahooskie or whoever, is gross and awful, but I don’t want him beaten with a pipe. When I was a senior in high school, Keith Smart hit the game-winning shot to give Indiana the championship and cement Coach Cockknob as a legend, and I just hate him. Not Keith Smart. He seems okay.

3) Xavier – These guys are the Musketeers, whereas I am the Count of Mostly Crisco. DUMAS JOKES! If you don’t like that one, I’ve got a Sartre pun that’ll really make you think. ABOUT KILLING ME. They might win two games, but if they don’t lose there will be No Exit. Let me be Candide for a moment. VIVE LE FRANCE.

2) Texas – Don’t Mess With Texas, or you might catch the stupid. Just kidding. There are people in Texas who aren’t stupid. At least like eight or nine. Back to the sportsball, the Longhorns are hotter than a bonfire of Toni Morrison books. They’ve got a shot at winning this region unless General Santa Anna shows up, in which case they’ll at least get another Loser Tourist Attraction out of it.

1) Houston – A possible favorite to win the whole thing, except their best player got hurt last week. If he’s good, Houston can win many games; if not, they can still go a few rounds. Hakeem Olajuwon went to school at Houston, but back then he was Akeem and the school was Ouston. Then they each got a hydrogen atom. OH THE UMANITY.

WEST REGION

16) Howard – The last name of distinguished Moe, Curly, and Shemp graces this HBCU located in or near Washington DC. Now, of course, when we think of Howard, we think of The Duck, With both Howard and Drake in the field, ducks are well-represented. Oregon didn’t make it despite all the Nike money. Losers.

15) North Carolina Asheville – It’s nice that at least one school from the University of North Carolina system made the big dance. How pathetic would you feel if you were in Chapel Hill and you didn’t make it? Luckily, I’m sure the Tar Heels are in here somewhere.

14) Grand Canyon – PRIVATE. CHRISTIAN. AFFORDABLE. The ads for GCU make it seem very much like a diploma mill. And it’s in Phoenix, nowhere near the amazing national park. But here they are, bravely volunteering to get destroyed in the first round.

13) Iona – Iona car, it’s an old Honda, but it runs just fine. Iona couple of dogs and they’re awesome. Iona collection of baseball cards from the 70s and 80s. They are probably worth nothing. Ione Skye was the girl in Say Anything. Iona lot of regret, but it would be a lot worse if I bet on Iona to win a game.

12) Virginia Commonwealth – This is another possible 12/5 upset pick. But more importantly, what’s a Commonwealth? Based on the name, it sounds like some wacky socialist plot. Wealth is not for common people, everyone knows this. Good luck to the Rams as they try ti Ram It.

11) Arizona State/Nevada – Some dry-ass school is gonna be the 11 seed. and I think either team could win the first round matchup. Nevada is based on Reno, where you can gamble on cards and sports, and Arizona State is based in Tempe, where you can gamble on drunk coeds and the availability of Plan B at the local Walgreen’s. Either way, you’re gonna feel shame in the morning and will learn nothing.

10) Boise State – These guys are akways a mediocre seed and we think hey maybe they’ll win and they don’t. Well, I’m falling for it again. I think they win one game and then head home where everyone can hate others in peace. Evel Knievel tried to escape Idaho in a rocket sled but he crash landed.

9) Illinois – Another faceless Big 10 team that no one’s gonna remember after they lose their first game. But they’re named after an Indian tribe! Neat! What a boring team and school and post.

8) Arkansas – Pig Sooey and whatnot. These guys are pretty good and should win at least the first game. Of all the states I’d like to visit or move to, I think Arkansas might be dead last. But really, the whole South just sucks. Be better South. We let you back in after kicking your ass, and this is how you thank us? By sucking? Go to school and join us in the current century.

7) Northwestern – It turns out this directional school is not “Northwest” anywhere, just compared to a big city. It’s like if Cal State Fullerton suddenly called themselves “Southeastern” and how stupid would that be? Anyway the (sigh) Wildcats should lose their first game and head home to the Windy Apple.

6) TCU – The Horned Frogs could win zero games or two games and still be anonymous and stupid. They’re irrelevant and I refuse to spend any more time on them.

5) St. Mary’s – The second “Gaels” team in this region. They’ll be lucky to win a game. The diversity on this team rivals that of the CPAC convention.

4) Connecticut – Well, it hurts to say it, but these guys are good. Not as good as their somen’s team, but still. They could win this region and it wouldn’t be that surprising. There, that’s jinx enough.

3) Gonzaga – Who knows with this bunch? They should win two games, then perhaps an epic matchup with the #2 seed. They’ve been a favorite to win it all in recent years, so maybe this is the year they sneak up on everyone. As long as Adam Morrison cries, I’ll be happy.

2) UCLA – A great year for the gutty little Bruins, but they lost one of their best players, so the road gets tougher. Still like them to go a ways, and maybe they’ll overachieve and get their first title in 28 years. Or they blow it this Saturday. Hey, as long as USC loses, I’m gd.

1) Kansas – The defending champs are the top seed here despite having some recent losses. This is a really rough region, and the gauntlet begins in the round of 16. Rock chalk, cockblock. Whatever, let’s get started.

FINAL PICKS

Here’s the list of teams who could win it all:

Alabama, Arizona, Marquette, Duke, Houston, Texas, UCLA, Kansas, Connecticut, Gonzaga.

Enjoy the games you bunch of degenerates!