The tight grip on customs and the calendar by Judeo-Christian traditions foist Easter upon this godless webspace. Honestly though, I’m for chocolate gifts (awesome) and the randomness of egg-laying bunnies (wtf!). But Easter is much more. For those of you who were not blessed with the existential yoke of Catholic instruction, some context.
Jesús, born in Christmas to a virgin, was crucified after an informal poll:
Do you people choose Barrabas
or the Dream Genie? Via M. Scorsese
Like Colin Powell to the U.N. in ’03, the Romans ran with it and crucified Christ. And Rome was quite proud of it until Constantine the Great came along sometime in the 4th Century. Thanks to him, folks my age and older get the anti-semitic tale that Jews killed JC.
Which, to be clear: who killed capital h him should not be a gripe among Christians. Christ had to die, as Harvey Keitel reckoned in “Bad Lieutenant”. Romans and Jews played their part; all I’m sayin’ is Christians should give Jews and old-timey pagans some other cheek love for that.
Per dogma (i.e., my mother), Jesus died for the sins of all mankind, born or unborn. Ok. Here’s my stance: I DIN’T ask for Him to do that–why ya gotta hold that over my head forever? Granted, it’s just changing “Him” for “you” in what a boricua woman says after you buy her a drink, but it works for theology too.
Another thing: JC’s “sacrifice” is celebrated by wearing a bleeding carpenter nailed to a cross. Which works better as a piece of shock art than as a statement of faith to be carried around in neck chains. But drag shows—now that’s an impressionable problem for children.
Thus Easter gives bragging rights to Christians: my god died and resurrected. What does your god do, I mean, aside from oppressing women as well or more than my faith? But my favorite part about Easter is the tale of Saint Thomas. Forgive me, the prequel: Doubting Thomas. Thomas had the temerity to question reports about the Lord’s resurrection. Jesus walking in on him is a biblical highlight:
Thomas: Unless I see His wounds and place my finger inside the—
[Door Flies Open]
Thomas: What is this light… Who turned on the smoke machine?
[Jesus enters]
Jesucristo: ‘Sup
Thomas: Lord!
Jesucristo: Oh, now it’s Lord. Heh. Didn’t you [points with finger, splashes blood] imply all over town that I was dead?
Thomas: But—
Jesucristo: Oh implied plenty. First it was Judas, then Peter. And now your incredulous ass. That’s three apostles who’ve done me wrong.
Thomas: …
Jesucristo: A quarter of the apostles. I’ll be damned. Maybe the Jews are right about my lapses in leadership.
Thomas: [astounded] No Lord!
Jesucristo: You know [starts walking around Thomas, hands behind His back] you were with me, Thomas, when I cured the blind man. Right?
Thomas: Yes Lord. And got away. Those Pharisees were tough cookies.
Jesucristo: And were you with Me when I brought Lazarus back to life?
Thomas: Yes Lord, I was.
Jesucristo: So I bringing Me back to life would be… What?
Thomas: …
Jesucristo: Impossible? Beyond my powers?
Thomas: …
Jesucristo: In poor taste? Showboating?
Thomas: [blabbers]
Jesucristo: Oh now you’re silent. [Gets close, grabs Thomas by the collar] Does your doubt still paralyze you? Wanna see what stigmata smells like huh? HUH! [Shoves other hand to Thomas’s face]
Thomas: Please Lord! Your blood saves and I don’t deserve it!
Jesucristo: Smell the hole! Smell the hole!
Amén
NFL DRAFT NEWS
Cornblower Outsiders dropped its Draft Preview. Still the only draft #product I consume and endorse.
Digression: Yes, I got into The Mandalorian. All the love thrown Pedro Pascal’s way got to me and overtook my aversion for Star Wars. Pascal’s great (duh!), and it’s jarring to see this badass lug a baby around everywhere. That’s how you create dramatic tension for folks who hate kids (like me), but hate even more seeing them suffer (others). Additional likes: droids who bleep eloquently, very cool helmets, and portentous dialogue inside foundries.
NFL NEWS
-Tyreek Hill announces retirement
Sorry. It’s been dusty around here lately
[clears throat]
retirement around 2025, when his current Dolphins contract runs out. Hill will be 31 by then and is already looking forward to being top honcho of a gaming emporium.
Digression: any reference to gaming makes me feel old and outta touch. But just know that the Tetris Kama Sutra game, if it ever sees the light, was my idea back in ‘91.
-The Tennessee Titans sign DL Jeffery Simmons to FOUR MORE YEARS
Gotta say: that was the best news I read last week. I didn’t know if the Titans would’ve let Simmons go… So I may have let my eyes wander toward Jacksonville—toxic political atmosphere (✔️), but a much better QB / WRs situation. Strong NFL fling material, is all I’m saying.
But moot, moot! The Tits just signed their best player. Consider my fan vows renewed. Now only Aaron Donald earns more at the position, and I’m OK with that. This is the first big move by new GM Ran Carthon, who God willing will sign around anywhere between 4 and 7 WRs.
Worst WR room in the NFL in 2022. The offense was a horrid watch. I was this 👉🏼👈🏼 close to picking up a book to read. Not exaggerating. It was a harrowing experience.
SPROTS TONITE
All times central.
Major League Loitering
Padres (Lugo) @ Bravos (Dodd) – 6:00
National Hockey Lïg
Avalanche @ Ducks – 7:30
Australian Rules Fitbaw
For youse night owls and West Coasters:
Geelong vs. Hawthorn – 12:20
TOP FLIGHT FUTBOL
Argentina
Boca Juniors hosts Colón (Santa Fe) – 7:30
Bolivia
Independiente Petrolero hosts Always Ready – 6:30
Colombia
Alianza Petrolera hosts Independiente Santa Fe – 6:20
Secsi Mexi
Santos hosts Pachuca – 7:05
FC Juárez hosts Atlas – 9:10
Paraguay
Cerro Porteño hosts Tacuary – 6:30
Perú
Universitario hosts Atlético Grau – 6:00
Venezuela
Monagas SC hosts Portuguesa – 7:00
FINALLY,
If you have partaken in egg hunts or otherwise celebrate Easter, please share or get your religious rocks off tonight. For tomorrow Secular Life is back and, if I may add: beach season. Can’t come soon enough, in these anarchic times.
Good boy via @Hardywolf359
In these interesting anarchic times, I mean. Have a great week, sickos.
Banner via @SohnsTed, all gifs via giphy.com.
That’s an actual gold mine.
https://goldenqueenllc.com/
https://vimeo.com/816117911
I love my little Mazda 2, it’s overall a great and reliable car. It has one annoying quirk though, and that’s the gas indicator. The Mazda 2 has an 11.3 gallon gas tank. It also has an 8 square gas gauge which starts blinking empty after 7 gallons are gone (so each square is less than a gallon). Do the math and the empty indicator is coming on with about 1/3 of a tank left. It is not urgent to get gas at 1/3 of a tank, but even though I know this and the range is at least 100 miles I don’t like pushing things when I effectively don’t have a gas gauge because there’s nothing below indicating empty. I’ve driven for 30-40 miles with it indicating empty and still never put more than 8.5 gallons in. So inefficient!
It’s been a while since I’ve celebrated Easter at all, but it seems like brunch is how it’s done now? Brunch is the best meal so I’m all for it
So after a month of being surrounded by French speakers I still don’t know French. I do know a few more words than I used to in French, maybe 4 or so
Also, how funny would it be of ‘Francophone’ didn’t refer to French speakers, but instead to a novelty telephone in the shape of the head of noted military dictator Francisco Franco?
I hear he’s still dead.
Spain is better off, plus he would probably complain and ruin the call quality if he was still alive while we tried to use his skull as a telephone
Zut alors! Ou est la toilette?
I’m fluent.
Sorry to hear that. Just glad it’s not COVID.
Ha!
A big mug of coffee. Bathroom trip. Then a longer penalty run this morning. The lasagna, veal roast, roast tatters, greens, peas, cake and chocolate eggs yesterday were well worth it.
Hope you all had a pleasant Easter sipping wine and rescuing doggies.
How penalty?
+ 2 miles should pay out so imma gonna do 6 today. Miles not kilometers… no cheating…
Let’s go for a ride through the poppies.
Notice the quality Mojave Desert squashed bugs on the windshield.
https://vimeo.com/816093288
Well captured sir. Although I am slightly annoyed by the low quality interior of the vehicle.
That truck has over 350,000 miles on it and still purrs like a kitten. It went 600 miles this weekend over desert dirt roads on $240 of gasoline. It’s going to be replaced by an as-yet-undecided new EV in 2-3 months.
We will make fun of you if you buy a Tesla.
https://www.wellandgood.com/why-anus-smells/
News we can use
I wish I had something more substantive to say, and I’ve said it before, but goddamn are Don T pieces fun to look at and read. It’s like a great ride in a gypsy cab in an unfamiliar city. Whoosh!
I second that. Well done Sir, Don T’s really got the words thing down.
The Italian church in the 7th and 8th century was basically the attack of the incels. They ruined it for everyone across Europe except the Greek Orthodox folk who had the good sense to tell them to bugger off
Holy shit, Succession.
Great episode.
Youse saying I should start this series?
Yes. That’s precisely what I’m saying.
Recorded it but haven’t started tonight’s episode yet. I’ve been underwhelmed with the season so far — not so much that the quality has dropped, but it feels like the show is spinning its wheels a lot.
It changed.
Just watched it.
You know what’s delicious? Wine. Also cheese. And wine with cheese? AMAZING
I had charcuterie for lunch (with wine, of course), and it’s looking like I made such a pig of myself that dinner will not be happening.
Success!
If you are not blowing off dinner today, you did lunch wrong.
Throw in hand made artisan crackers (just ax Yeah Right) and you’ll never go back.
Great read. However-many hundred words on stupid women complaining about why they don’t feel special when choosing to unnecessarily compare themselves to each other. Making sure to point out that Instagram doesn’t make them feel good.
“The real culprit in all of this is, of course, the patriarchy. There is nothing the patriarchy loves more than women tearing each other down.”
https://amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/apr/07/chasm-mothers-childless-women-widening-motherhood-empathy
Not only that, but the sentence where it says that the childless women are childless through no fault of their own.
That’s the most nonsensical thing I’ve read in a long time. (Women with medical issues excepted, of course)
Fertility seems to be something that is scattered randomly with no respect for what people actually want. I’ve been surprised how common fertility treatments are
I’m sure it is painful for some women who are having trouble conceiving to see social media posts about other people’s children, but I’m really struggling to see how that’s something that society is supposed to fix. It’s like, people whose parent died recently probably really hate Father’s/Mother’s Day, but we’re not going to cancel the whole thing to avoid triggering people.
I went through a phase in my teens and 20s where I sneered a lot at Valentine’s Day. Now I basically treat it like it’s, well, Easter — something that means a lot to some people, and a little bit to many others, and kind of irrelevant to me either way.
I have a couple good friends who went through years of miscarriages and fertility treatments, and were very transparent about the process with friends they trusted not to be a dick about it. From their sharing the problem is not so much things like pictures of kids, but rather the people, usually complete strangers, who will make nasty comments when they discover someone is married and doesn’t have kids. It’s surprisingly common. I avoid the worst of it by not being married, but even so I got random ‘biological clock’ comments from like, some lady on a bus, or at the grocery store.
Oh yeah, there are plenty of people out there who feel entitled to comment on other people’s reproductive status. I’ve cleverly avoided most of it by being a man.
I blame the Saxons, or Henry the VIII, but like almost everything wrong with the world it’s probably the Belgians who are truely at fault
Good way to stay away from hearing comments from complete strangers — be off Facebook. I can’t do nothing about obtuse strangers who learned about tact by watching MAGA rally clips but I can control when/if I want to read their online comments.
But that’s the choice these women have made. They are addicted to social media apps and all the arbitrary personal embodiments that come with its use. They’re talking about what the correct mother’s day trigger warnings are? Come on.
Lots of life is hard. Do you go to Party City and complain that everyone else is picking out Baby’s First Birthday balloons while you’ve got aborted fetus’ on your mind? No. You have some responsibility for the environments in which you put yourself. Facebook is actually an environment you can choose not to go into.
(And of course I feel for the women who haven’t achieved all they want. I’m focusing on how they can feel less so bad that they have to write an article flat complaining about it.)
I survived Vigil and Sunday service, and Senorita Weaselo has so far survived dinner with the family Weaselo. (And is currently making tea.)
WHERE IS THE RING, YOUR IMAGINARY FRIENDS EXPECT GRANDCHILDREN WEASELOS
😂🤣😂🤣
I AIN’T WRONG, CHUH CHUH
https://vimeo.com/816092879
https://vimeo.com/816092592
The only presents my bunnies left are not fit for human consumption
Bunnies and crabs. It’s a different surf and turf, but works for me
-A Reid
So would you classify Jesus as a zombie or more of a ghost?
A ghost in the Casper mold, childlike and friendzoned to Eternity.
Neither, as both of those are by definition dead. He’s more of a hacker as he was able to respawn, despite everyone only supposed to have one life.
Reverse Vampire obvs
Definitely not a ghost, don’t want to infringe on the Holy Ghost’s turf
If Always Ready is not sponsored by the pharmaceutical company that makes Viagra, we’ve failed as a species.
I am a lapsed Catholic, having turned in the ol’ kneepads…
sometime after 16 when I realized the whole thing was a grift. But we still get together as a family and this year Mrs. Horatio decided to show off the new kitchen by making an Eggs Benedict brunch for 10, followed by strawberry shortcake for dessert. Suffice to say I had salad for dinner and she’s konked out on the couch. I’d do the dishes, but I don’t want to wake her, so I’m quietly drinking beer and thinking about more strawberry shortcake.
AND THEN I happen to look out the window and see a young woman wandering into my neighbor’s yard and trying to knock on her door. my neighbor is in her 80’s and doesn’t respond well to people she doesn’t know, so I go over to see what’s up. Turns out my across the streets neighbors’ dogs have gotten off the front porch and one of them is wandering into traffic and she’s, (a really cute UConn co-ed), concerned he’ll get hit.
Now, they were on that porch because they got loose earlier in the day and my boy Jeffrey was already in the street when I got out, stopped traffic, and locked him and his pal on their front porch. The homeowner is on vacation in Aruba and has a (really shitty) dog-sitter “watching” the dogs, and this is the second time I’ve had to wrangle Jeffrey back home.
Jeffrey, by the way, is an absolute sweetheart. Not very bright, but a perfect little gentleman.
But now Jeffrey is headed for Rt. 195, where it is not a question of if but when he will be killed. So I sprint after him, wearing LL Bean slippers and sweatpants with a broken string, (had I been so inclined any chance I’d had with said co-ed would surely have died then and there), cornering Jeffrey by some trees.
Jeffrey is happy to see me and comes right over, so I load him into the co-ed’s car, meet her back at the house where I pull Jeffrey out of the car, (Jeffery loves cars and hates getting out of them), and literally carry him back onto the porch. His brother, (name unknown), happily follows and I open the front door, (because why would it be locked?), and let them in, already knowing that no one is home because no one’s been there all day. I can see that the back door is closed and that housekeeping is more a theory than a practice in these parts, (Mrs. Dr. RTD, Esq, ret., would have an absolute field day), so I am not going to go stumbling around for food. They’re off the road. they’re warm, my work is done.
Anyway, now I have to decide what to tell the owner, because I think the sitter is a relative, but this obviously can’t go on because Jeffrey’s luck will run out, and Jeffrey deserves better.
Anyway, Happy Easter.
This is Jeffrey.
Please ask the coed if she has remarkably low standards and ready access to opiates.
Buddy, if you think she stuck around any longer than absolutely necessary after watching my slipper-and-sweats clad ass run up a street you are clearly insane. She was backed out and on the road before I got the door closed behind the dogs.
That’s one possibility, here’s another:
https://giphy.com/clips/xxx-zrr-underwear-wap-wet-panties-nbziXPQoZfs2eVZIp4
Update: Someone has arrived at Jeffery’s house. I am amusing myself by imagining them scratching their heads and trying to figure out how the dogs got back inside and shut the doors behind them.
Organized religion has been a pox on humanity since the dawn of time.
Anyway, here’s Wonderwall…
“Does anyone else have the weirdest boner?” – Marc T., parts unknown
“Which one told you it was weird? Was it Sun Li?”
-Bob Kraft
This was the finest Easter service of all time. May our risen savioUr bless DonT’s Magnificent Tits come autumn.
The Book of Duvall clearly states:
“Blessed be the methmakers, for they shall inherit the AFC South”
SMELL THE HOLE!
.
Me, arriving late for Don’s sermon:
Those same Christians who prefer celebrating the Book of Revelations Jesus the Warrior instead of Jesus, Lord and Savior, are missing the entire point of the religion and why the tomb was empty. Ironically if those same Christians saw how Jesus really looked, instead of the long-haired Anglo-Saxon Jesus they’ve been taught, they’d call him a terrorist rather than Savior.
You know, I think I’m going to start sinning more so I won’t be raptured. Unspeakable Hell on Earth under the merciless heel of the Antichrist might be worth the look on their faces when they see Arab Jesus riding down to save the day at Armageddon.