The big (pin intended) news of the past week is Leeds making the ultimate panic move – hiring Fat Sam Allardyce aka Gravy Tits aka (many other nicknames). He’s corrupt, a tactical dinosaur, solely interested in media attention and self-promotion. Don’t cry for the Stupid White Male being left behind, Argentina. Gravy Tits is proof positive that Whitey will always land on his feet. Jeebus Tapdancing Fuck.
Anyway, City of Men HOME to Leeds is the sole TV offering in the 10:00 window (USA). And there ain’t no Early Bird Special. AND the Spotlight Dance is spunking all over the German Elton John and his mathematically-alive-but-come-the-fuck-on Top 4-chasing Redshite, home to Bees on the Beach (12:30, USA).
In other words, Saturday will suck the chrome off any trailer hitch ye set before it. Spurs/Palace is maybe, MAYBE a watchable streaming option.
Weird schedule stays weird into Sunday, with Bonesaws/Gooners at brunchtime (11:30, USA), followed by streaming only Men Untied away to Rum Ham (2:00, Peacock). Decent matchups on paper, at least.
Shit Smorgasboard abounds on Monday, must be some weird British holiday. USA brings all three of a relegation special triple bill (Mighty Whitey/Leicester at 10:00; Trashbirds/Toffes at 12:30; Robins Hood home to Poor Ded Sham Town at 3:00). Come on, we are Americans (and Americans Lite, for those of y’all in The Hat) here – we all goddamned love a car crash. You’ll watch, in rapt attention.
Is something else/better going on in your world? Please, do discuss.
Also, Marika can rejoice – the Nappy Heads are officially Serie A champs. Scudetto, amore!
“ I don’t know if you know this, but I’m also ‘lightly raced.’”
~M. Tirico
“Same here!” – Mike McDaniel
The jockey thanked Cheesus Cry!
Hunter Renfrow just scored a huge payday with his bet on Mage.
Me too!
The other horses failed their saving throws.
Who is “Woodford Reserve”? Wouldn’t “Elmer’s” be a better sponsor for the Kentucky Derby?
Or Alpo.
I haven’t decided whether to call my dick The Royal Scepter or The Royal Rod.
I’m calling my testicles “The Royal Blues”.
There’s an Ab-Dick-ation of the throne joke in there somewhere
Can’t believe they listed all the NFL QBs in attendance, and John Elway wasn’t mentioned.
Oh Lord protect the Rocket Can and all who bet their life savings upon the Rocket Can…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xO0klA7WHrc
He’s gray too!
My pick is the same every year.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJWnbd34Tfg&ab_channel=BigPimpin
You know, I think it was pretty damn rude of the Brits to try to upstage our century and a half old tradition with their silly “coronation.” They clearly have no respect for history.
They must’ve been attracted by all the long faces and inbreeding.
Also, all the silly hats
This is still my favourite king:
[shuffles off, kicks rock]
– The Donut King
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhyl90iGPZ0&ab_channel=ratfan
“Actually, I kind of like the idea of a “coronation”.” – D. Trump, FL
I’m ready to make my annual, completely wrong, Derby prediction. Tapit Trice! Why, you ask? Because he’s gray. I always pick a gray horse, I think I’ve been right once.
I go with the coolest name, so it’s Cyclone Mischief for me.
They just showed Emmitt Smith on the red carpet, so I assume he’s running and I’ll pick him.
He’s aiming for third place, though, because he misheard that it’s called “snow”
I pick Reincarnate because I have no idea what I’m doing
Again.
I’m assuming the 17 horses in the field that are related to Secretariat will all cancel each other out, so give me Derma Sotogake!
Hasn’t Secretariat’s stud record been pretty mediocre, considering how many descendants he’s had?
Lookit my boy
I don’t know, I’ve heard that the old gray mare ain’t what she used to be.
Redshirt’s Brain: “The joke was right there, people! How did we miss it!?”
I just put $10 on three favorites and three long shots. Equal chance to win a little or a lot.
Narrator: “Redshirt didn’t win shit.”
Jesus fucking Christ they’ve giving us Tom Brady? Fuck you, NBC.
Now, hold on. Maybe they’re putting him on the finish line to be trampled.
Horses, ranked:
WRONG!!!
NO, YOU’RE WRONG!
There’s not enough horses to go around, but “fictional animals” would make a good Monday draft. I mean, Snoopy is pretty versatile, but Scooby-Doo is great for team chemistry.
Let me start working on my board…
Rules: must be a non-human Earth animal.
So Lassie is ok, but Poochie is out.
Sea?
Oakland Athletics’ announcer apologizes for using racial slur | CNN
I have a speech impediment. Even to this day, I have a tendency to mispronounce words. That being said, I would find it hard to slip the word he said (uncomfortable writing the word) into what he said. That wasn’t a simple slip of the tongue.
No word on if Castellanos hit a home run.
Yeah, I cut people a lot of slack for slips of the tongue, but I don’t know how that word comes out of your mouth unless it’s one that you use frequently.
I’d ask the folks he grew up with. That’s when those habits develop.
Best thing on TV right now is the NCAA Beach Volleyball championships in ESPN2.
It has now moved to ESPNews for no reason I can think of.
Because it’s newsworthy, duh.
Go Checo! And eat shit Max!
Just tuned into the Derby coverage in time to hear the panelists all declare how horse safety is a top priority.
Sure, Jan.
It’s not the track, trainers’, or breeders’ fault all those horses kept standing in the way of all those shotgun blasts.
I can still understand it. While the horses are broken and taught how to run at full speeds, even a moderately successful horse can demand decent fees when they are put out to stud/breed. It would be simultaneously cruel and stupid to run a racehorse into the ground.
Only 7 deaths? Nailed It!
Lil’ WCS ran about a 14-minute mile in her first ever kids’ “marathon.” The practice definitely showed; she kept a set pace for almost the entirety, while most of her classmates spirinted for 200 yards and quit.
Looks like there’s another runner in the family.
Wow, She’s quick
-Most of DFO thinking about running a mile
I can’t run. Even when I was young and springy, I’d make it a few hundred yards and then shin splints. Painful as fuck.
Tell Lil’ WCS nice job and keep it up. I’m able to average a 13-14 minute mile and that nearly kills me.
Me training for a 5K (“Artistic Conception”)
Why Speedrunning In Video Games Is Torture (Pixel Pete) – YouTube
Any Sip heads around?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRhLZM-cJZ0
May is such a bullshit month. As is Pretend August 2191, where we have lost BOTH our opening matches. Fookin’ disgrace, me.
Pretend Bernard Guikey (?) must be so disappointed in you.
Gilkey. But yes, so very disappoint. Like God DAMN, muthafucka
There is a great garden center a 20 minute drive north of us. FIL always went there, best selection best quality around. I buy plants maybe when I retire I’ll give growing from seed a try but right now I just don’t have the time. I planted my usual stuff. Moderate inflation this year, but not too bad. I spent 70 euros for this. On the left top to bottom, 6 celery, 4 zucchini. Center top to bottom, 6 eggplant, 6 yellow bell pepper, 6 red bell pepper, 8 mild pepper (wifey), 3 basil bushes. In planters (some not visible) 4 cucumber, 2 parsley, 3 strawberry. Right top to bottom, 6 salad tomato, 6 cherry red tomato, 6 cherry orange tomato, 6 red cabbage. Remaining from previous years, rosemary, sage, thyme, chives and 4 vases of strawberries.
And the severity of my OCD requires I keep the labels each year. So if something does well I make sure to plant it again. If it doesn’t I switch to something else. If you are starting out I recommend you do that. I’m getting to the point where I really don’t need to anymore but… OCD…
Anyone else just see that outside-of-the-left-foot banana pass Salah just played right before he scored there? Fucking unbelievable.
DON’T PRAISE THE FOOKIN SHITE
Last year on a Sunday Gravey chat we were discussing gardening and I promised to give a start to finish report this season. Back in February I went over soil prep. It’s planting time now so we (and most of the region) are putting it in the ground. Prep is to do a good final raking to level the ground. Each weekend between fertilizing back in late February and now, I rake the soil real good to mix it up. I use matting material for a couple reasons. First is weed control. My garden is fucking jurassic by July if I go naked soil. Been there – no longer doing that. The weeding drove me nuts. The second reason is layout. See the grid pattern? When you lay out spacing, plant compatability and amount of sunlight are the main considerations. So the first year you pay close attention to that, cut your holes, and in subsequent years you are cookin with Crisco. I’ve been using these mats for the last 5 years, still in good shape. I think they help with moisture retention in the soil also which has been important in recent years. It has been unseasonably dry now for a couple years. I then lay the plants out and put up the vine poles for the tomatoes. I’ll post what it looks like planted, and what I plant here in a bit.
Meanwhile in California I’ve already had some stuff (bok choy, chard) bolt on me.
Are you guys still getting a bunch of rain?
Just yesterday it rained. It’s been crazy.
My SIL is using those mats too. That reminds me, I need to water her garden. We had some rain the first couple of days I was here, but it’s sunny and nice now.
Once you go mat – you never go back. Those squigally vine poles are like that too. No more tying off vines. Most fun an old guy can have with his pants on.
Anyone ever whack off out of sheer boredom, hoping to stimulate a nap?
Nah, me neither. WEIRDO.
Oh, and my neighbor’s crack of dawn coronation party went through more than a dozen bottles of sparkling wine. I’d suggest people avoid my block until nap time.
I speak on behalf of humanity – please set their goddamned house on fire.
I watched the highlights of Chonk and Sasparilla’s coronation on BBC America. What a collection of miserable, pissy-faced wankers. I was rooting for a meteor.
Morning. I’m on the bike and starting to watch the GWS-WB replay, no chance I finish this until at least tonight so no spoilers!
Wrexham is playing the LA Galaxy in July right up the street in Carson if anyone is interested.
What are the ticket prices? These exhibition game prices so far have been well over 100 per ticket.
Looks like 130 to 150. There really are no bad seats in this place. Just ask the Chargers.
Buying some tea today and throwing it in the nearest body of water, just for old times sake. Might invade Canada later.
I CAN’T BELIEVE SLEEPY JOE DIDN’T ATTEND THE CORONATION! WHAT KIND OF AMERICAN WOULD SKIP THAT?
If he had gone: I CAN’T BELIEVE SLEEPY JOE WASTED ALL THAT MONEY GOING TO THAT CORONATION! WHAT KIND OF AMERICAN WOULD DO THAT?
Does your presidential residence need a new paint colour?
I wish Pep and Fat Sam switched clothes at the half. I can’t decide who would look funnier. What I have decided is not since fucking Columbo has someone almost stunk right through the television screen as badly as Sam. He just LOOKS like halitosis, even while maniacally chewing gum.
Need goals in this window from Ouattara, Olise, and Cunha. Already home with Gündogan.
Out of pure luck my buddy and his wife are on vacation in Italy. Where did they stay the last 3 nights? Naples. It was insane from the pics he sent me.
A sportsball celebration-cum-riot is sommet to be treasured. ALWAYS participate, if given the opportunity. It may NEVAR come around again.
/yes, I absolutely BEGGED my Dad to drive us up to West Raleigh that April Monday night in 1983, but he refused to let us miss school the following day
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You didn’t go out for the Vichy Whalers celebration in 2006? I lived in Raleigh then.
A Vichy celebration just wouldn’t have that same feeling!
Please be real…
https://twitter.com/jordinjroussell/status/1654461213760159745
Pretty good, though I think a tampon would have been funnier. I like a good callback.
Agreed, that would have been much more inspired.
+1 Squidgy.
My wife kept telling me to treat her like a princess.
So I ceded control of her to an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the Portuguese.
Found a funny!
BANNER!
At least the old guy is her 1st cousin.
Incest is best!
In high school, our fall dance was called The Coronation and that’s when the Homecoming Queen and King would get announced.
This is the extent of my experience with coronations.
Hammers need one win in four to stay up. I say, put this kid out there for the home games & catch lightning in a bottle. Pull the trigger, Moyes-ey!
https://www.footballfancast.com/west-ham-divin-mubama-danny-ings-david-moyes-premier-league/
Haven’t been this comfy in the Prem for 8 years!
I’m actually going to see the Mighty Whites in D.C. this summer! We got tickets to that Summer Series thing and our games are Brentford vs Aston Villa at noon followed by Chelsea vs Fulham at 3:00. July 30 in Snyder’s trash palace. There will be photos! 🤓
Still not comfortable but the AC is on and there’s beer in the fridge and it’s getting close.
https://iasip.link/?VGhlIEdhbmcgQ3Jhc2hlcyB0aGUgQ29yb25hdGlvbg==
Royal-adjacent joke:
Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess. This is how I know this to be empirically true:
I had a friend who was really into Cinderella and he exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that’s why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.
Eight year olds
Marika heard that Hippo. She’s giving you that look…
World watches as old white guy accepts older white guy’s gift of even older jewelry.
Fuck, now you come out. This would be the perfect place for the “Princest” joke.