Monday Morning Mock Draft: Cool Guy Don’t Look At ‘Em

This week we’re back to a full work week, none of that Memorial Day nonsense which makes me forget I have a job for 24 extra blessed hours.  Now, how to best go about making sure I don’t do that job?  Why, I’ll just remember to post a mock draft and then (sorta, kinda, not really), moderate it throughout the day.

This week we have a topic from the possibly angry mind of RTD, who suggested “explosions.”  We hashed this out in the back offices and have agreed that it has to be an explosion involving actual explosives, like TNT, volcanoes, that sort of thing.  You cannot take JJ Fozz for explosions of anger, nor can you take Peter North for, well, you know good and well what I’m talking about there.  Don’t make me type it or we’ll get banned in Florida.

Do we actually have anyone from Florida here?  I don’t think we do.  Speak up if you are, but be prepared to explain yourself.

I am making the executive decision that you can, however, take an athletic program/politician/celebrity just absolutely exploding their career and/or history.  Why?  Because it sounded like too much fun when I just ran it through my head, and because it gives me an excuse to post this fun little guy:

Your commissioner today is a man who knows a little too much about pyrotechnics, Howard Payne from ‘Speed’,

the movie that launched Sandra Bullock’s career, as well as launching more than a few things during the movie courtesy of the occasional well-timed explosion.

Rikki has already given me his first pick, the destruction of the Death Star from the original Star Wars arcade game.  if he can find a video that isn’t 8 minutes long he can add it here in post.  I couldn’t, and I looked for several seconds before giving up in disgust.

— [WORDPRESS EDITOR FLIES OPEN] —

Rikki here. I mean I literally sent Horatio this clip when I proposed the draft topic, but…I suppose I shouldn’t harp on his deficiencies, he gets enough of that at home, and at work, and at restaurants, and when he goes to the post office, and when he’s on vacation, and at the hardware store…and, you know what? Let’s get to the video:

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

With the second pick I’ll take the destruction of the Death Star from the first movie, ‘A New Hope’ or whatever the hell it was called.

The rest of you are on the clock

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ballsofsteelandfury

Next pick: Nothing to see here

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DJ TAJ

Kind of cool but the movie? Jeez, I dont know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVz0k5AzM6A

blaxabbath

I enjoyed the movie.

I don’t enjoy the people who care to be any embodiment of it.

DJ TAJ
BeefReeferLives
Gumbygirl

Am I Blair Witching? Who cares, this is awesome. Caddyshack, baybee!

Gumbygirl
BeefReeferLives

We’d be remiss if we didn’t include this lil beauty from Scanners.

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WCS

I had something else ready to go, but somehow this is still available:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6CLumsir34&ab_channel=KATUNews

1:55 if you don’t want the hilarious-in-hindsight exposition of what’s happening

BeefReeferLives

Here’s a just marvelous bit of satire poking fun at Glen Youngkin and his republicon colleges’ fascination with inspecting kids’ genitals. Tip of the hat to whomever composed this:

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BeefReeferLives

Ayup. That’s some next level smart assery right there, yessir.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Assuming he passes the penis inspection, of course.

BeefReeferLives

Not to mention the testicle tendering.

Redshirt

Parliamentary Inquiry: Are implosions close enough to explosions? Because then all of Cincinnati Postseason Collapses are in play.

BeefReeferLives

This Delta II going KerBLAMMMO in ’97 is pretty spectacular. The flaming fallout is pretty cool to watch as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTmb3Cqb2qw

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
SonOfSpam

Stupid babies need the most punches!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

5. Hypershock’s finest moment, as well as one of the coolest and most memorable things ever to happen on the show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNk5-3fGNqI

WCS

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll take the Kingdome implosion:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnGt9OPueII

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As a staunch anti-monarchist, I support this pick.

WCS

I see.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Last edited 1 year ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Gumbygirl

That makes me sad. I saw the Mariners and Seahawks play there, even the Sonics when they were renovating Seattle Center. I also saw the Sonics at the Tacoma Dome too that season. They had a sock hop after the game that ShaNaNa played, it was mad fun.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Doesn’t mean watching it implode wasn’t cool.

Gumbygirl

Truth!

WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNlP9TGZOMI&ab_channel=SteveRosenow

Starts around 90 seconds. Reading about this as a kid sparked my life-long love of everything geographic.

EDIT: If I’ve learned one single thing in that time: nature always wins.

Last edited 1 year ago by WCS
King Hippo

I read about this avidly as a young lad, too!

We need more deadly ‘splosions, thin out humanity’s ranks a little.

SonOfSpam

There’s always the Yellowstone caldera. But I’d rather see a different part of the country destroyed.

WCS

Don’t worry: if/when that goes, most of the country will be destroyed.

Also, “caldera” is just a damn cool word.

Last edited 1 year ago by WCS
King Hippo

Why has nobody written a good apocalyptic novel/series about this??

(or if someone HAS, please tell Hippo)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

See at least the creators of the movie San Andreas understood that if your film is going to be terrible, it needs to have redeeming qualities, such as Alexandra Daddario’s boobies.

BugEyedBoo

If you see that Roland Emmerich is involved, you know it’s going to be dumb. Like Michael Bay-level dumb. He’s done a couple of good ones (ex: Universal Soldier), but they’re dumb too.

WCS

Independence Day is superbly, wonderfully dumb.

Moonfall, not so much.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I got your Moonfall right here!” – Vince Wilfork, pulling down his pants and sitting on top of you

SonOfSpam

I remember we got ash (yes ash) from this in the local mountains here in SoCal. It was quite the ejaculation.

Gumbygirl

We moved to Washington in 1984, and drove down that way soon after. It had been 4 years since the explosion, and iin a lot of ways it looked like it had just happened. Mile after mile with no trees. We couldn’t even get very close, the roads were still closed. It was scary, not gonna lie.

BeefReeferLives

Yet another favorite in the “comedic effect” category:

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Last edited 1 year ago by BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives

Dishonorable mention:

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BeefReeferLives

Truly, Darwinism in action.

BugEyedBoo

This will cheer you up at lunchtime.

https://youtu.be/VjQ2t_yNHQs?t=255

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve been watching these. They need more narrative cohesion, but they’re definitely cool as hell to look at.

Game Time Decision

any one of the zillion episodes of Myth busters, but this one, high speed footage of the explosion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIbl_3g5FRA

BeefReeferLives

The picnic basket explosion is my favorite. George Takei cackling and acting like a complete maniac makes this one of my favorite commercials.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBuozDqbur0

Last edited 1 year ago by BeefReeferLives
SonOfSpam

The Beirut fireworks factory explosion delivered what the Poochie episode promised.

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Gumbygirl

Nuked!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4. Stepping into the real world for a moment, and this is an extremely difficult decision for me. I’ve selected the following because of the sheer joy of it. It’s also a one-in-a-million shot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR07C5pNPo4

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The runner-up; call this my 4b pick. Just absolutely incredible footage.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHq7SJ40dPI

BeefReeferLives

I was always blown away (yeah, I know. SorryNotSorry) by the animation in the opening sequence explosion in Akira.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05i9YMvn46M

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also pretty good from Akira:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzdtFmfE9ls

BeefReeferLives

Still amazed at the animation in that movie.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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DJ TAJ

I’ll take the legend Stanley Kubrick and the beautiful irony of the end of “Full Metal Jacket”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmILOL55xP0

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This explosion in 21 Jump Street works even better because of all the shit that didn’t explode earlier in the movie:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dcr9thZVWI

SonOfSpam

The Sarah Connor nuke dream was pretty cool/horrifying

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BeefReeferLives

As far as explosions for comedic effect, the Top Secret / Pinto one is a classic.

& it’s especially funny, ’cause Lee Iaccoca caused people to burn to death and faced no penalties.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-Qj58o87sY

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love how the tail gunner explodes separately.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m a nerd, so I’ll take the Trinity Test. This new Oppenheimer movie is going to make a lot of people annoying about the Manhattan Project, isn’t it?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7fKlk441dQ

blaxabbath

Yeah.

Don’t worry. They’ll all be mutual fund experts next….

Game Time Decision
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve posted this before; someone did a fan edit of the trailer which I thought was pretty special:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l55LwfcPfWM

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Has anyone taking Hiroshima yet?”
–Bill Parcells

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Don’t you dare judge him.” – Eli Manning

scotchnaut

Basketball coach most likely to go on a murderous rampage? My money’s on Frank Martin.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsrpzzxsfVY&ab_channel=RubberBandCat

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean if you want to talk about blowing it all up, Ime Udoka is still on the board.

Game Time Decision

what about that guy that would throw chairs across the floor on the reg

BeefReeferLives

The end of Major Kong’s last ride

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snTaSJk0n_Y

Last edited 1 year ago by BeefReeferLives
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Real-world explosion, and nobody got hurt? Excellent selection.

Senor Weaselo

I’m just gonna take, in general… Squidward Tentacles.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N263UM-198Q

scotchnaut

[waves hands in the air] “Please go home-there’s nothing to see here.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFzA6s4Hahw&ab_channel=TheTelegraph

BeefReeferLives

No footage of the incident, unfortunately, but the explosion that blew JPP’s fingers off must’ve been a pretty good one…

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& I imagine he’s feeling kinda slighted at not being tapped for the commissioner’s role in this draft…

BeefReeferLives

“I remember a big flash, and I heard boom!” says Farraw Germain, the mother of Pierre-Paul’s then 8-month-old son, Josiah. “There was a lot of smoke.” Pierre-Paul sensed trouble right away. “As soon as I saw the green light, I jumped,” he says. “I knew something dangerous was about to happen.”

Pierre-Paul dropped to the grass. But when he arose he smelled nothing, felt nothing. Then he heard Germain shriek in terror, “Your hand!”

“I’m looking at my [right] hand and I’m seeing every ligament,” he recalls. “You only see this stuff in the movies.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You only see this stuff in the movies.”

And it’s all thanks to the MPAA, who would much rather you see exposed intestines than an exposed human penis or vagina.

BeefReeferLives

Yeah, I think I remember a french person making a snide yet accurate remark along the lines of “In American movies you can’t show a boob unless someone’s cutting it off”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

V for Vendetta

(Spoiler Alert, it’s the damn ending)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkiMEJqc9_M&t=99s

Last edited 1 year ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
BugEyedBoo
scotchnaut

I heard Newt got better.

DJ TAJ

Newt sucks

scotchnaut
blaxabbath
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Great pick, high on my draft board

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Slightly higher quality version of my first pick. Anyone who ever played this arcade game will understand how wonderful it felt to see this explosion and then hear the music pick up again as you go around again at a higher difficulty level.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJv94FPRddA&t=153s

BugEyedBoo

They had a sit-down version at the arcade near campus, and 8 tokens for a dollar happy hour from 12-4 PM. I spent a lot of money in that thing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Worth every penny.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. The original “ring” explosion from Stargate. Created a host of pale imitations, including the Star Wars special editions.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWIS7olVbGE&t=126s

Redshirt

Ugh, that improved explosion makes no sense. If the explosive force would’ve been that strong to create an explosive ring like that, the Death Star should’ve split in half along the rings and shot out sideways.

Oh, well, at least it wasn’t Starkiller Base, who stole their idea from Megamind.

Megamind: The Sun is Warming Up – YouTube

BugEyedBoo

Don’t try to make Star Wars bear resemblance to reality, unless you want to sprain your brain.

Redshirt

Dr. Ball: “‘She’s lost the Will to Life’?! What’s your degree in?! Poetry?!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The thing that always bugged me about the Death Star explosions in the Star Wars films is that they were too damned fast. It’s not just gonna go “pop”, it takes time for an explosion of that magnitude to propagate. Which is one of the reasons why I love the arcade game version.

Redshirt

Agreed. If that had enough force to go from “no boom” to “no Death Star” in less than a second, everyone in the fighters, ships and planets would’ve been instantly killed by the pressure wave.

blaxabbath

I’m intrigued at the reception/accuracy of the VIII (I think) Pinkie driving light speed at the destroyer (I think).

I enjoyed that part at the theater. But that might have just been because the film was so slow.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I loved the effect. People liked to complain “why didn’t the Rebellion just do that all the time with light-speed capable drones?” which is a valid question, but there are plenty of hand wave-y explanations like “light-speed drives are crazy expensive and will only punch as big of a hole as the mass of the ship; it’s just not a practical method.”

Redshirt

If this is accurate, I would imagine closely accurate or best case scenario. Depends on how big the shrapnel of Punky’s ship and how close or beyond light speed it was traveling. The bigger and faster, then it starts to surpass the Death Star.

https://www.quora.com/What-would-happen-if-a-space-rock-the-size-of-a-fist-hit-the-Earth-at-the-speed-of-light

Last edited 1 year ago by Redshirt
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean, it’s space, so there’s no such thing as a pressure wave. But if they actually went for realism in that regard the actual explosion would look considerably different, too.

Game Time Decision

with space being the whole vacuum thingy, once the pressure was released, it would either snuff out the explosion due to lack of fuel ( o2) or implode or just nothing.

Senor Weaselo

Great movie, and I say that unironically.

Redshirt

It was good when it aired, it still holds up. And let’s face it, its not like we’ve all haven’t daydreamed about this happening within the past 7 years.

Independence Day | White House Destruction – YouTube

Last edited 1 year ago by Redshirt
BugEyedBoo

Nothing else smells like that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oj8hWnYyYDQ

Don T

First thing that popped in my head
https://youtu.be/lQKWn6oPj-c

Gumbygirl

She blowed up real good!

Redshirt

Why learning the language of the people you are fighting may be important.

USS Enterprise NCC-1701 Destruction – YouTube

Last edited 1 year ago by Redshirt
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s a good one.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll take Tropic Thunder. BIG ASS TITTIES

https://youtu.be/Mhu2Ij0rWCQ

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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ballsofsteelandfury

I believe Boris is from Florida or at least currently there. Someone will have to explain that one.

As far as explosions, does any of Cytheria’s work count?

Okay fine! I’ll take the explosion at the beginning of Goldfinger at the oil refinery.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m shocked you haven’t written a post yet on the debate around if squirt is pee.

ballsofsteelandfury

Oh, there’s no debate. If you see it in a film, it’s always pee.

Real squirting is not as …. “explosive”

Don T

Lemonjello is a Jax fan. So he may be Floridian.

Gumbygirl

He lives in Georgia, on the border.

blaxabbath
Redshirt

Hell, it worked for Ditka.