Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.

This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world [in bed].
Albert Einstein

This is why there be monsters under the bed and in the shadows. And get your freak on in bed, as long as your partner is willing.

Someone made a great suggestion for a cheesy quote, but I cannot find it, so will use it if someone can point me too it, and I will take (better) notes this time. Or come up with your own quote.

As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.

Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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My first and only [side kick] pick:

Horatio’s dwarf
WCS

I hate all of you.
Horatio Cornblower

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R2D2 was a pretty helpful lil chum.

BeefReeferLives

Sharkbait

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Oy! Horatio, found something on Netfix for you, especially with all the renovation going on at your house. It is a Netfix series called “How to Build a Sex Room”, maybe get some hints on how one houses one’s dwarf.
ArmedandHammered

Angel on left: DON’T post a Burn After Reading .gif

Devil on right: Post the Bills dildo .gif you candy-ass I bet you won’t
WCS

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Don T

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Me: Wow, no depositions, no court appearances, one client call all day. I can really get in there and address that backlog.

Our Computer System: I am going to shit the bed.
Horatio Cornblower

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Redshirt

Good for him…never too late!
SonOfSpam

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One of the guys on Jeopardy has the job title of “Oral and Facial Surgeon”

If I were that guy, I would start every conversation with “you need a good Oral and Facial guy?” but then I was never good with small talk.
SonOfSpam

In law school, I won the award for best advocate in moot court. It was called the “High Oralist Award”. I’ve often thought it was a waste of a great pickup line that I was in a committed relationship at that point…
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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“COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN TO THE DERANGED, TRUMP HATING JACK SMITH, HIS FAMILY, AND HIS FRIENDS, THAT AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I COME UNDER THE PRESIDENTIAL RECORDS ACT, AS AFFIRMED BY THE CLINTON SOCKS CASE, NOT BY THIS PSYCHOS’ FANTASY OF THE NEVER USED BEFORE ESPIONAGE ACT OF 1917,”

How are threats to the family & friends of the prosecutor not grounds for pre-trial incarceration?
Fronkenshteen

What does this have to do with the Clintons’ cat.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Clinton’s socks still less horrifying than Blax’s
SonOfSpam

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Found a funny:
One day a husband comes home from work. His wife greets him and says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, my car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” “What do I look like,” He says, “Bob Vila?”
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.
“Great! What did he charge?” he says.
“Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”
“Well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.
“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”
Gumbygirl

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I’m putting all this meat inside me!

Doktor Zymm

SonOfSpam

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Me, going through 500 pages of medical records and realizing I stopped on page 69 to make some notes.

“Nicccccccccccce”

I am 54 years old.
Horatio Cornblower

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If a perfect game happens in Oakland and no one is around to see it, does it count?
Mr. Ayo

I can only imagine someone waking up from a COVID coma from 2020, turning on the game and going “We’re still in quarantine after four years?!”
Redshirt

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Is it just me, or is life extra meaningless at present?
King Hippo

It’s not just you. I am fighting a battle against depression and angst right now. You guys help more than I can ever tell you. I am so grateful.
Gumbygirl

You’re our favorite, don’t tell anyone else.
Horatio Cornblower

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Somebody censored that picture, booooooo this man! Free the nipple!
Gumbygirl

I love that it was you that made this comment!
ballsofsteelandfury

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That article you linked to has an interesting bias. The way I read it, it seems to think that women should be able to complete on the same field as men and, not to quote or paraphrase John McEnroe, I’m sorry but no fucking way.
ballsofsteelandfury

Specifically to the article, women with high testosterone are in “no-man’s land” (figuratively and literally) in terms of who they compete with. Trans athletes are in the same boat.

They are not at the same level as men but they are above the level of women so competition against both groupings would be unfair.

The question becomes: “How can these individuals play competitive sports?”

That’s a tough question that no one has the answer to.

The default has been that they participate in women’s sports, but the cold truth is women’s sports played predominantly by manly women do not draw viewers or revenue. Hence the pushback.

It’s a pickle.

/Dick joke
ballsofsteelandfury

The high testosterone argument is difficult because, well, some men have higher testosterone than others (naturally I mean) too, but we never hear anything about that. If some women are more “manly” than others (again, natrually), I don’t see how you disqualify them.

Trans athletes are really a political talking point. “O but the Ivy swimming finals weren’t fair” Boo fucking hoo. No one cares. Our kid had a trans girl on her high school lacrosse team. The girls could not have cared less.
SonOfSpam

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THIS GUY U.S. SPECIAL ENVOY FOR IRAN ROBERT MALLEY I CALL HIM XI JINPING BECAUSE HE IS TOO EASILY DISTRACTED BY HONEYPOTS.
https://www.reuters.com/world/us/us-special-envoy-iran-rob-malley-is-on-leave-state-dept-2023-06-29/
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is what happens.
WCS

Brick Meathook

ballsofsteelandfury

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Good news, I am off until Wednesday.
Bad news, first night of the Sagra but it’s supposed to rain. I’ll need to give my dance card a raincheck till tomorrow I guess. Poor ladies.

2Pack

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THIS PLAINTIFF FROM THE WEBPAGE CASE, I CALL HER GEORGE SANTOS BECAUSE SHE MADE THE WHOLE THING UP AND WON ANYWAY.
Senor Weaselo

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RISE AND FUCKING GRIND on CBS
https://www.nfl.com/news/j-j-watt-joins-cbs-sports-as-nfl-studio-analyst
blaxabbath

By what week will he be on IR?
LemonJello

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Gonna piss in a cracked martini glass, spill half of it down my shirt, garnish it with an orange that wen bad three days ago, (and I mean the whole fucking orange, not just a slice), mix in some rotgut whiskey, and call it ‘The Supreme Court’
Horatio Cornblower

Too general. I’d call this a “Kavanaugh.”

Now come up with drinks for the rest of SCOTUS!
LemonJello

The Clarence Thomas one is easy. Coke with a pube on it with porn on in the background
Sharkbait

It would have to be Pepsi Clear; Thomas hates anything dark.
Horatio Cornblower

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Sharkbait

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Don T

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Daughter vacation story: her and her boyfriend ate steak at some fancy earlier this week, and the waiter offered foie gras on the steak. Neither her nor her boyfriend had any idea what foie gras was, but didn’t want to expose their lack of knowledge, so they both said, “Sure.” Knowing her, there’s NFW she’d like it, regardless of whether or not she knew was it was. He’s not much better. So the steaks come out with big lumps of foie gras on them, and they’re all, “Ugh, that’s disgusting.” They both had to scrape off the foie gras and eat around it.

Story on myself. Neither my wife nor I grew up around wine drinkers; wasn’t a big thing when I grew up beyond Boone’s Farm and maybe that giant screw-top bottle of hearty burgundy that made me throw up in my bed way back in high school. So we go eat at what to us was a fancy restaurant, and the waiter asks us, “Would you like some wine?” My wife and I look at each other, and neither of us have a clue. So I ask the waiter, “What do you have?” That little asshole spent two minutes reeling off vintages, and he might as well have been reciting them in Urdu. Guess it was beer for me. I should have stiffed that smartass, but I’m a nice guy.
BugEyedBoo

I would have eaten their foie for them, it’s just like butter but better because it’s also flavored with the superiority of mankind over evil geese
Doktor Zymm

I have no problem with liverwurst and chopped liver-adjacent foods. But my daughter is about one step removed from her favorite meal being dinosaur chicken nuggets.
BugEyedBoo

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Surely we HAVE to reach out to our Matron Saint in her darkest hour, no? But how?
https://www.nbcsports.com/nfl/profootballtalk/rumor-mill/news/suzy-kolber-announces-shes-out-at-espn
Fronkenshteen

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Now we’re grilling! All the bros are here and eldest right and the Wahini are here. Chicken cooking, slapping some burgers together.

We’re gonna throw down, Jack!
yeah right

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Wife has left for two weeks-my priorities are

Make sure the boys don’t die while she’s gone.
Make sure the house doesn’t burn down while she’s gone.
Have an enormous seafood gangbang (she’s got the deathly allergies)
You know that “Dad/Thermostat” trope? She’s a huge “Don’t use the air-conditioning!” gal I will be abusing said air conditioning.
I don’t know, maybe mow the lawn?
scotchnaut

Don’t forget the panicked whole house cleaning the day before she comes home. Gumby always forgets that part. He shouldn’t.
Gumbygirl

Mrs. Scotchnaut’s view on returning home:

Horatio Cornblower

[Is incredibly pissed that he didn’t post this first]

-Some dumb-ass royal-adjacent commenter
scotchnaut

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I gotta get the boy to sleep later.
blaxabbath

That will kick in right about the time he’s 15.

Then you won’t be able to wake him up before 11.
yeah right

TROOF. There ain’t no middle ground with chilluns here. And SPOILER ALERT – your asshole parenting brain won’t let YOU sleep in until 11, no matter what.
King Hippo

Can confirm
Game Time Decision

PRO TIP: Take the boy down to the animal shelter and pick out a nice deserving dog. Take dog home, leave boy at shelter.
Brick Meathook

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In other Chicago news, they’re getting deluged with rain right now. They had to cancel the NASCAR event they were supposed to have downtown, which honestly is probably a good thing since I don’t think they fixed any of the giant potholes on the route
Doktor Zymm

NASCAR in pouring rain with giant potholes? I’d watch the hell out of that.
Brick Meathook

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Day One Without Wifey-

-the boys are (to my knowledge, neither one is at the house) still alive.

-Dry July has been shelved. There has been a bit of day-drinking.

-the older dog (Ruby) came back to the house with a tree branch wedged between the teeth in her upper jaw. This is the 2nd(!) time I’ve had to wrench a piece of wood out of her mouth. She’s currently resting comfortably.

/more updates to follow
scotchnaut

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The neighbor down the road a little ways put his entry in for the Morris Rd. Fireworks Competition. Neighbor #1 across the street needs to up their fireworks game, because Neighbor #2 is way ahead. It was almost worth getting eaten by mosquitoes and catching Dengue Fever or whatever you get from mosquitoes these days.
BugEyedBoo

[eats a handful of mosquitoes to build up his “natural immunity” to dengue fever] – Aaron Rodgers
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Speaking of MAGA dipshits my barber is a woman who is getting increasingly into conspiracy theories, and also increasingly closer to not being my barber.

I’m sure she’ll miss that $25 I pay her once every 5 weeks to trim around the bald spot.*

Anyway, this week I had to tidy up what remains of my hair and she started talking about the Canadian fires that are dirtying our precious CT air, and she told me that “Well, they’ve found a pattern to them and they’re being set deliberately, and also I read about some retired firemen who tried to join up and help and they were told they didn’t need them! Can you believe that!”

At that point I had a decision to make. Do I tell a person who is holding a pair of sharpened clippers less than an inch from my ear that she’s a raving lunatic who is clearly listening to the ramblings of a madman and considering it news, or do I just say “Wow. Hard to believe” and go back to scrolling though my phone.

I took the phone, and still have both my ears.

*Left to my own devices I would have long since just started shaving my head, but Mrs. Horatio insists I don’t, and in fact a couple of years back went, (behind my back) to the same barber and said “Horatio is thinking of shaving his head. If he comes up here and you shave his head I am going to come in here and I am going to cut you” and my barber told me this story and then said she would never shave my head because she was pretty sure Mrs. Horatio wasn’t kidding.
Horatio Cornblower

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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