Requiem For A Waking Nightmare – Futbol Returns! (2023-24 Prem Preview/Predictions)

That’s right, we are LESS THAN A WEEK before our first actual match (Boo-urnley hosting City of Men).  Who knows who will win THAT nailbiter?  So, we better get our prediciones on record before anyone can question our sporting integrity.

As always, these picks will end up dreadfully wrong.  Making fun of the authors is not only welcome, but encouraged.  How’d we do last season?  NOT GREAT, Bob!

Also, have you not already picked a team to support?  Pick a goddamned team already, then!

litre: If you are at all curious and would like to know who is playing for the Vegas DFOCon here you go;

DAMMIT!

Arsenal aka King’s Afrikan Water Pistols (2nd in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  Everybody now seemingly agrees that the Superb Owl Loser Hangover effect is real (and not fabulous).  Should that apply to Handsome Mikel’s bunch?  Do they really feel, deep down, that they blew the best chance they ever had?  I fear for them, yet can’t make myself go lower than bronze medal.  I am not at all convinced they were wise to go “all in” on Declan Rice, but good news for the myriad Clubhouse supporters – Arteta is WAY smarter than me.  Predicción:  3rd

Ballsy: I saw Arsenal play their preseason games in the USA and, to tell you the truth, they weren’t that bad. It’s just unfortunate for them that Man City has Pep In Their Step (sorry not sorry) and will win again. Predicción:  3rd

litre: They looked good last year until the mercenaries to the North caught them. I chalked that up to being so damn young that they didn’t know what to do in the moment. I reckon that their season will get more difficult the longer that they are in the FA Cup, Cariboo Cup, and in Europe. They slip up in any of those they could still battle for the title as they should have more rest. I agree with the lads above. I am just looking forward to the tales of dark lands brought to us by our very own Cecil. Predicción:  3rd

Aston Villa aka Midlands Cunts (7th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.  The aforementioned Gooners couldn’t wait to run Unai Emery out of town, clearing a path for Mikel Arteta, the savioUr.  Fast forward a few years, and Emery returns to Merry Olde England, replaces genius-in-own-mind Steven Gerrard and goes on a miracle run, taking them out of relegation danger all the way to pipping Spurs for the Zooropa NIT bid, on the final day.  I am impressed, but…second season syndrome.  Predicción:  10th

Ballsy: Frankly, it makes perfect sense that they’re the Midlands Cunts. I mean, where else are you gonna find them?? I don’t think they will be as good as last year. Predicción:  12th

litre: I have a buddy who is a fan of this lot. They are annoying and I still savoUr watching John Terry cry when we beat them. That being said the moment they brought Unai in and gave him some loot to spend they have looked damn impressive. I reckon they will be the surprise team this year. Predicción:  7th

Bournemouth aka Up the Cherries (15th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  These were left for dead, but coasted to a fairly easy survival.  Seemingly, they’ve unlocked a formula that works for them, and have the Vegas hockey guy as their new/ambitious owner.  A season of consolidation is in order on the South Coast.  Predicción:  13th

Ballsy: Cherry Ice Cream is the best dessert application of the cherry. Sure, cherry pie is famous and Warrant owes their life’s savings to it, but I have already made one cunt joke and I don’t think I’ll be allowed another. Predicción: 17th

litre: Now that they got the stink off of them by firing Scott Parker, I don’t actually mind these guys. The backing of the new owner is YUGE or else I fear they may have been in the drop zone. The picked up Justin Kluivert in the transfer window and his dad was really good, so why not him too?  Predicción:  14th

Brentford aka Praise Beesus (9th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  Nobody on earth predicted these to finish top half.  As Fronk aptly noted, their gaffer looks like a drunken sailing instructor.  But they mix high intensity with direct play – kind of unique, at least in the UK this decade.  Will they eventually be found out?  Can anyone else score while talisman Ivan Toney is serving his GAMBLOR suspension?  That’s a definite MAYBE.  Predicción:  12th

Ballsy:  I like this team a lot. I’m going out on a limb here and saying they will qualify for European competition next year. The only question is Conference or Europa. Predicción: 7th

litre: No Ivan Toney, no keeper Raya? These guys are in trouble and I am here for it. Brentford is a great neighboUrhood in London and Mrs Cola and I have stayed there. You can easily take the train in or walk to Fulham for good food, and good football for that matter. They brought in Romeo Beckham! Not sure about that. Sadly I do believe that they will survive. Barely Predicción:  16th

Brighton & Hove aka Trashbirds (6th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  First EVAR qualification for continental footy for the Club.  Take a bow, Roberto De Zerbi.  You’ll see them live a lot more, now that they ride the Thursday/Sunday shuttle during Zooropa play.  But will it really be alright for such a small dollar squad, holding up over a full season?  Eventually they have to run out of rough and ready bargain replacements, right?  I dunno, but I think they contend again.  Predicción:  7th

Ballsy:  Sorry Hippo, but there’s no way they will contend. Playing two competitions at the same time is a difficult thing. One will suffer and it will be the Premiership. They better do well in Europe! Predicción: 10th

litre: They had the season of a lifetime last session. They get to go to Europe and they took TODDDDDDDD of Chelsea to the cleaners for players, and Graham Potter who did nae last. They’ve sold their best players for good money so I expect a bit of a regression with them competing in Europe. A very well coached squad who will manage the tricky fixture list but they will not achieve what they did last year. Predicción:  10th

Burnley aka Boo-urnley aka Team White Lives Matter (Championship….champs in 2022-23)

KH:  Vincent Kompany instantly revitalized a very stale, dull Burnley side.  They absolutely obliterated the Championship – now we get to see if they can sustain at a higher level of competition.  Hippo sez nae.  Predicción:  18th

Ballsy: I too say Nae Rolls. Yet, the hottie came around and all of a sudden guess what? Predicción: 16th

litre: They did a hell of a job in the Championship last year. Everyone just hates playing at Turf Moor. They are well coached however the board does nae spend the pounds and that will hurt you in the end. Now with more JJ Watt!  Predicción: 18th

Chelsea aka Chelski aka Trespassers FC (12th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  Welcome to the terrordome, Todd Boehly.  Nice turd you dropped on the way in.  Holy cats, did these fuckadoos ever fly off the rails last season.  Logic would dictate they can’t possibly STAY that bad, but I really hate their squad balance.  But Pochettino wills them back into the top half, at least.  Predicción:  9th

Ballsy: Turns out they got rid of Pulisic and he’s now in Milan. I have no idea what players are on this team. The coach is good but he’s not playing. Predicción: 11th

litre: Sweet mother of all things holy was last year delicious. Did the club I support go to Europe? Nope. Did we win a trophy? Nope. Did we finish ahead of the tenants? You are god damned right we did. It made my whole season great. Hell, Mighty Whitey even took 4 pts of these overpaid, disorganized sacks of shit. Keep spendin Todd! Predicción:  8th only because they can’t possibly be that bad again. PROVE ME WRONG CUNTFACES PROVE ME WRONG!!!!

Shit, I forgot the rumoUr floating around that they want to play at the Cottage for a couple of seasons while they renovate the other stadium in Fulham. Fuck that.

Crystal Palace aka Will Somebody Please Just Shoot Uncle Woy Already (11th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  A team this flaccid actually finished AHEAD of Chelski’s millions.  I really should have picked them to go down ahead of Boo-urnley.  But like an Uncle Woy cabbage fart, these dullards just keep hanging around.  Predicción:  17th

Ballsy: Someone should rebuild the actual Crystal Palace that used to exist in London. From the pictures I’ve seen, it was beautiful. That’s all I know. Predicción:13th

litre: Sir Woy is a god damned legend. He however is 98 years old and something has to give here. Palace has been punching above its weight the last few terms and at some point they need to get in the relegation battle. They lost too many key players and haven’t done much on the intake. Predicción:  15th

Everton aka Very/Perpetually Disappointing Everton (17th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  Fuck me, I am exhausted and it’s only the “E”s.  Toffees’ books are absolutely dire, and that finally catches up with them on the pitch.  No miracles this time around, but at least we will have the best stadium in the Championship.  Predicción:  19th

Ballsy: I have no idea how Everton managed to stay up last year. No way they do it again. They will torture Hippo until the last day. Predicción: 18th

litre: I promised Hippo he would be safe last season and I was right! Due to my internet friendship (maybe live in Las Vegas) I do follow what they do and apart from building a new stadium it seems that they are doing the square root of fuck all except signing a 38 year old who I thought had retired. However, this is the year they stay up and exceed all expectations!!!! Predicción:  12th

Fulham aka Mighty Whitey (10th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  Good news – they held onto gaffer Marco Silva.  Bad news – they lost goal scoring machine/scary guy Mitrovic.  Like Beesus, more questions than answers as to who fills those scoring boots.  Predicción:  11th

Ballsy: I’m going to beat Litre to it and let you know that Chelsea’s stadium is actually in Fulham. Just for Litre, they will improve slightly. Predicción: 9th

litre: /wraps bandana around wang WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Wow was that unexpected last year. Sweet Jesus we could have been in Europe if Mitro hadn’t lost it against United. He has not been sold yet but the Saudi offer did enough to shake up the harmony and love the Fulham supporters had for him. He was on the trip to the US but did not feature for safety precautions but it seems now the journo killers have their eyes on other prizes. It seems that wrestling mogul Khaaaannnn is taking a hardline with Al-Hilal or whoever the hell they are and that is good. I also respect that he didn’t sell Palhinha thus far as he clearly is the best player on the pitch. Old Man Willian resigned and we signed Mexican international Jiminez should Mitro depart. In closing, FUCK THE SAUDIS. Predicción:  9th

Liverpool aka Redshite Filth (5th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  Eat shit and die, you cockmongrels.  Predicción:  4th

Ballsy:  Tell us how you really feel, Hippo! You’re not wrong though. Predicción: 4th

litre: The shine is coming off the apple. They have been rather quiet in the transfer market and they definitely need to bolster their reserves to compete. I have A LOT of friends who support the Reds, hell one of them converted Decilitre. I do think they will still compete for Champions League spot but not for the outright title.  Predicción:  4th

Luton Town aka ??? (3rd in Championship 2022-23)

KH:  There’s punching above your weight, and then there is Luton Fookin’ Town.  How on God’s Green Earth could they even compete in the second tier with a 10,000 seat stadium?  Somehow, they earn a second bite at the apple – ie, become this season’s Bournemouth.  Predicción:  15th

Ballsy: I believe in fairy tales as much as the next guy. If I didn’t, I would have never achieved some of the things I’ve achieved. (Hippo glares at me because he thinks I’m talking about anal. I am.) However, this one ain’t happening. Predicción: 20th

litre: If you have ever been to Luton Airport it is the nicest structure in that city and it’s rundown and shitty. I personally love that they got here but there is no fucking way they are staying up. The best story is of one of their players who has been there for every promotion since they were non league. I doubt he gets much of a run out this term as this is the big time now. Predicción: 20th

Manchester City aka City of Men (1st in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  God’s in His heaven, and Pep’s in 1st.  Finally got City of Men’s Shempions monkey off his/their back, too.  There will be no let up, and much less drama at the top this season.  Sky Blues run everyone ragged, post to post.  Predicción:  1st

Ballsy: I love me some Pep. Y’all know that. Did you know he used to coach in the Mexican league? Hell to the yeah! Predicción: 1st

litre: Oh they winnin bulleeee dat. Haaland will get 50.  Predicción: 1st

Manchester United aka Red Devils aka Men Untied (3rd in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  I think Erik ten Hag knows what he’s doing.  Which is a real pity, for a hater like me.  They’ll take silver and wait for Pep to retire  Predicción:  2nd

Ballsy: I don’t think Da U is that good. Don’t get me wrong, they’ll be good. They’ll be in the top places, but not second. Predicción: 5th

litre: I respectfully disagree with the gentleman from Los Angeles. Ten Hag will have these dudes firing. If they get rid of Slab Head MCGuire and find a suitable replacement they will challenge in the early stages of the season. I still think their city counterparts are going to run away with it this year. Predicción: 2nd

Newcastle aka Bonesaws aka Geordie Arabia (4th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  New least favoUrite side?  No, they must settle for VP of that exclusive club.  I hope they flame out before the Shempions knockout round, and  Zooropa 2024-25 then ruins their FFP strategy..  Alexander Isak does indeed have a wicked game, though.  Predicción:  5th

Ballsy: They have too much oil money to finish lower than 6th. They will take over Chelsea’s place in the Perennial Top Six. Predicción: 6th

litre: Yep hate em now and there is definitely some shifty business going on. Maximin to a Saudi side and it was like transferring to the same team. He will make a lot of money but he was the only player of theirs that I can stand. The green kits are a step waaay too far. That being said Europe will take its toll on them and I reckon they will finish outside of the Champions League spots this term. Predicción: 6th

Nottingham Forest aka Robins Hood (16th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  Hoo boy.  This is a slow-motion car crash just waiting to happen.  There will be blood.  Watch them have to sell like 20 fringe/squad players next summer.  Predicción:  20th

Ballsy: It will be a shame to see them go back to the Championship. I am enjoying the Robins Hood nickname even though I think it should be the Robin Hoods. Predicción: 19th

litre: For some reason these guys have become one of my most hated sides. I want to punch Cooper in the head every time I see that jackal. Last year they bought 30 players (not an exaggeration) and they barely stayed up. The owners are throwing money at the problem again but we shall see if it works. Willian had given them some interest so the owners flew him, his family and his agent for holiday in Greece. He resigned with Fulham hahahahaha. Predicción: 17th

Sheffield United aka Team Knifey (2nd in Championsip 2022-23)

KH:  Mainstream punditry will have them straight back down, but me and my drugs KNOW BETTER.  Predicion:  16th

Ballsy: My favourite Sheffield team is Sheffield Wednesday because it makes no fucking sense. There is always one championship team that does well its first year in the highest league. This is it for this year. Predicción: 15th

litre: They are going back where they belong. They have spent 0 dollars and their ownership has stated that they aren’t spending anything. Predicción: 19th

Tottenham aka Hot Spurs aka Yid Army (8th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  Told myself I would wait and see if they had the sense to sell Harry Fuckface Kane.  At press time, they had not.  But I am fresh out of plausible European qualifiers, so Zooropa it is.  Maybe Richarlison will boss it.  Predicción:  6th

Ballsy: I think they will surprise everyone and make a run at the Premiership. Of course, making a run means finishing ten points behind City. Predicción: 2nd

litre: The boat is rockin with the Kane rumoUrs. I have a soft spot for Son but really can’t stand these guys. They have poached many a Fulham player and I get angry every time. If Kane goes they could be in trouble. That being said they do still have a solid squad and I believe in Richarlison. Predicción:  5th

West Ham aka Hammers aka Rum Ham (14th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  Rough go domestically last year, true.  But flags fly forever, and they won a major(ish) European trophy.  Predicción:  8th

Ballsy: I’m running out of places. Lemme see what I’ve got left…. Predicción: 10th

litre: Bounceback year for these guys. They had better spend that Declan Rice money or they could falter so I will put them mid table. (They have not spent any of the money and could be in trouble again) Predicción:  11th

Wolverhampton aka Wolves (13th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  I really don’t think this boring-arse team will finish this high, but that’s just how maths works.  Someone must represent each ordinal number.  Predicion:  14th

Ballsy:  Okay, It’s the only slot left (Phrasing!), but I’m sharing it with Hippo (PHRASING!). Predicción: 14th

litre: Well I have 13th left on my board so here we are. Their board has said that they aren’t spending this window so this could be problematic.  Predicción:  13th