TGIF! Football is back! Woah, sit down Pac-12, not you. But first, WWC has to wrap up starting Saturday. Since I have to bang this out one handed, and not in the fun way, let’s get this over with.
Survival – Personal Edition
Alright, you’ve gotten yourself in a spot of trouble with a loved one or a friend. Here’s a handy list of excuses to diffuse the situation. (in bed)
- This never happened to me before
- I had a really tough day at work
- Not tonight, I have a meeting
- I have to get up early
- I’m too drunk
- I’m not drunk enough
- My turtle died
- I’m gay
- I’m straight
- I can’t decide
- It’s an old football injury
- I forgot my wallet
- I have to wash my hair
- I am leaving the country
- I need to take my medication
- I couldn’t find a place to park
- I couldn’t get a cab
- I left it in the cab
- I have to catch a plane
- I buy it for the articles
- They’re supposed to test them at the factory
- Nobody’s perfect
- I warned you about me
- We don’t know each other well enough
- We know each other too well for that
- I didn’t think you were coming back today
- She needed a friend
- He needed a friend
- They needed a friend
- It meant nothing to me
- Someone told me it was an art film
- We might learn something new from it
- I have a bad back
- I have bad knees
- I asked you first
- I have to walk my dog
- That’s not what I meant
- I don’t remember saying that
- I’m terrible with names
- I can’t bend over that far
- I didn’t think you would notice
- My phone is broke
- My phone needs recharging
- My computer has a virus
- Your voicemail was full
- You server must have been down
- I thought you meant next Friday
- It won’t stain
- They’re family
- I thought you understood without my having to say it
- Next time will be better
Feel free to add your own below.
Click here to get to commenting
Survival – Species Edition
Time to put the sexy in Friday!
Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to the comments!
The knockout rounds of the women’s competition is Bill Cosby’s favorite.
Another OG. Hope every manager is updating their tactics accordingly
THIS SWISS KEEPER I CALL HER ANTONIO CROMARTIE’S KIDS, BECAUSE SHE’S OUT THERE BY HERSELF WITH NO SUPPORT WHATSOEVER.
I haven’t seen this many exploitable holes since my time on Epstein’s island.
BECAUSE SHE’S AN ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAM
“So what do you do if you’re Switzerland?”
Well, if history is any guide I’d say they’ll stay on the sidelines and hoard as much gold as possible, without asking any questions about where it came from.
There’s nothing funnier than a “FIFA Referee” badge. Might as well write “I am a felon” on your forehead.
FIFA Referee
Please forward bribe money to my wallet
Venmo, Apple Pay, and CashApp all accepted!
Just because Pac-12 After Dark is done for doesn’t mean we can’t have some SATURDAY* NIGHT BANANACAKES!
*because technically it is Saturday where they are playing.
THIS SWISS DEFENSE I CALL IT SWISS CHEESE BECAUSE IT’S FULL OF H…
Oh forget it.
“Done.” – Trent Green
This kind of feels like watching a Jets game.
Or a Browns game. Wait. What day is it?
Spain is kinda fun to watch on offense. Lots of shots.
My dumb joke up there aside, the Swiss defense looks like shit.
https://www.espn.com/college-football/story/_/id/38136135/big-12-approves-addition-utah-arizona-state-bringing-league-16-teams
The Pac-12 blew up faster than Kane’s torso in Alien.
UConn twitter is extremely invested in this, because half of them are dumb and stupid and thought UConn should join the Big 12 for football reasons and the rest of us are very smart and handsome and realize that UConn is not and never will be a football school and should stay in the Big East and keep winning national titles in basketball.
Spain using a first time goalie in the knockout round? Bold strategy, Cotton!
Own goal, you say? Who could’ve guessed?
This game deserves to be on the Ocho. Holy crap.
Already in 🍌 🍰 territory
LOL, additional text which is coherent yet still hilarious in context. “Ok. Be safe.”
Ok my dude, even though we aren’t piloting a zodiac, and I’m just sitting at home not ingesting large amounts of hallucinogens, I will be extra sure to be safe!
John Travolta as Angus Young was a brilliant piece of casting
I am way too invested in the ultimate outcome of this, (and I make this pun knowingly and of my own free will), trip.
I doubt I’ll hear from him again tonight, and it’s equally doubtful he’ll remember any of this. Also unlikely he’ll look back at anything he sent, so I’ll probably just hear from him in a week or two without any mention of what ended up happening. If he injures himself or something he’ll just assume I know what happened and be mildly surprised when I ask why he’s missing an arm or something. If I’m super lucky he’ll bring me some leftover drugs next time I’m in town
Zymm… Do you by chance live near, or have eaten at the 11 City Diner?
I had an outstanding Reuben lunch there a few years back.
It’s further downtown from where my condo is (near Wrigley) but will try to check it out when I’m in Chi later this month, Reubens are tasty
I enjoyed it. When you visit a place just once and it leaves an impression, it’s good.
It took me far too long to realize that isn’t an x-ray of a kneecap.
WCS: I may be near Pittsburgh this weekend, close enough to swoop in and get a sandwich. Not sure I’ll be there, but highly possible. If so, I’ll give you a heads up with reasonable warning.
Lol Ohtani. Grab some pine, meat.
You. Shut. UP.
The USWNT is doomed. Carli Lloyd was right.
“Dynasties don’t last forever”
-Anastasia Romanov
“Tell me about it”
-Some princess, glaring at WCS
I agree with pretty much everything they have to say politically and socially yet find them one of the most unlikeable group of athletes I’ve ever come across.
And I root for the Cowboys.
And the Yankees!
And the Whalers!
I love the players, but they just don’t play well together. You can blame coaching, but I’m not sure that’s the problem.
I hate when I agree politically and socially with people who express the same views so stupidly and childishly that it makes me want to vote for Trump just to spite them.
Gonna beat the Swedish chefs, book it traitors
Just finished watching Corgi racing on ESPN8 The Ocho. Absolutely hilarious.
Now following it up with the World Dog Surfing Championships. This seems potentially dangerous.
I would have loved to have caught that. Not many things are as cute as a corgi doing corgi things.
It’s absolutely hilarious. They release nine dogs at a time, two of them run in a circle, four of them crash into each other and flip over, and the other three run to the finish line but at best two of them have any sense of urgency.
Sounds a lot like Jack Russel racing!
That’s what’s on my TV right now. Cheers.
I was watching the surfing dogs too!
Lady number 7 is well worth sharing a coffee with.
Another situation specific but sometimes useful excuse, Babe… she’s from the nudest camp, just stopped in to use the phone.
It really does.
Unless you do it INXS.
RIP Bill, great fucking pair o movies
Much to my entertainment, my guy in Chicago texted me to the effect of “I’m really high, I should probably eat the rest of these shrooms too, right?”
I of course agreed and tried to talk him into buying a zodiac and keeping it in the basement of my condo building (it’s only 2 blocks from the lake and he has a key so we could both use it) He got as far as pricing them out (under $3k) before tripping hard enough that the texts stopped.
Oh, I lie! I just now got a semi-coherent text!
This is how Zymm accidentally recreates the Zodiac killer.
The zodiac killer would have been way better if he used one of the boats
lol accidentally
Be sure to dress properly when you are out on the lake in that thing.
The $1.3 billion lottery just got drawn . . .
I won $2!
Litre’s Calgary Calvary are on FS2 taking it to some hapless opponent, 3-0.
What’s with all the ugly baseball uniforms?
It’s the ads.
Something called ‘City Connect,’ I believe.
The Padres are pushing horrible pastel combinations to incredible new levels.
When those first came out I thought they were really cool.
Then I saw them in a game, with people actually wearing them in real life and I thought “nope, I was very wrong about those.”
The Rockies are the worst so far, although Boston’s bright yellow and aqua blue combos aren’t far behind.
Boston’s were pretty bad. All this is for merchandise sales, but I can’t imagine anyone buying yet alone wearing this stuff.
Sophie Gregoire Trudeau is back on the market!*
*petitions the RCMP yet again to void their 200 meter restriction
Not familiar with her appearance.
Is she hotter than, say, Hillary Clinton or Barbara Bush?
Four out of five Canadian climatologists say, “Yes!”.
The fifth one says “cough”.
Then the sixth one apologizes for the fifth one coughing.
Sixth? But he said there were five…oh, right, exchange rate.
Nobody has a snapper quite like ol’ Bar, tho….
Snapper in the Led Zeppelin sense?
As opposed to “Napper” in the Eli Manning sense.
This remind me of Doug Stanhope on Sarah Palin. “Yeah, she’s pretty tight for someone who’s had five kids; it doesn’t whistle when you blow over the top of it.”
Sophie’s the one on the right.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFvujknrBuE
There was a time when I thought this movie was perfect. As the years go by I realize it’s merely one of the greatest comedies of all time.
The only thing wrong with it was that it was go good and so popular that they decided to make a sequel, and the sequel ate shit.
“I’m not letting you knock me up again.”
— Princess
Look lady, every dynasty needs at least one spare heir.
Or spare parts