REV’S NOTE: Longtime commenter and multi-time Komment of the Week/Banner Quote winner LemonJello bravely volunteered to brave the murky-stadium-pool-water of Northern Florida to bring us the following Team Preview. Please enjoy
DUUUUUUVVVAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!
Recap of Last Season: 9-8, AFC South Champions (4-2 in division, 8-4 in conference) Matriculated to the Divisional Round of the Playoffs.
Amazing what changing your head coach can do to a franchise, innit?
After defeating the Clippers du Merde (mournful femur drums rumble in the distance) in the Wild Card Round and completing the largest comeback in franchise history (3rd largest in NFL postseason history), the season ended in Kansas City at the hands of the Chefs, where many a mammal has gone to slaughter and been served as a snack to Andy Reid. This was their first playoff appearance since 2017. If this franchise was sitting for their end of year review, they’d be rated “Exceeded Expectations” after the supernova-hot dumpster fire that was the Urban Meyer Era.
2023 Draft:
13 picks in total: 6 on offense, 7 on defense – notably OL help (Anton Harrison, Oklahoma in round 1) to keep Prison Girlfriend and his flowing locks upright and healthy as well as secondary depth at safety and corner.
2023 Free Agency:
Evan Engram got the franchise tag and then signed a new deal. Calvin Ridley was acquired in a trade with Atlanta and reinstated by the Ginger Hammer for the 2023 season. It will be interesting to see how Brandon McManus (late of Donks WOO!) kicks at sea level vice altitude.
Addition by Subtraction: Urban Meyer can continue to get right fucked.
2023 Schedule:
@Clots, Chefs, Bye(Houston?), Sherman’s Ashes(Wembley), “@”Bills Mafia(Tottenham), Clots, @Saints, @Stillers, Bye(Bye), 9ers, DonT’s Magnificent Tits, Bye(@Houston?), Bungles, @#ThePauls, Balmer, @Team MRSA, Black Panthers, @DonT’s Magnificent Tits, PLAYOFFS!
Year 2 of the Post-Urban Debacle sees the Jaguras trying to build on last season’s success and once again dominate the AFC South. The addition of a reinstated Calvin Ridley and re-signing of Evan Engram bolster the receiving group and should help Zay Jones and Christian Kirk avoid double coverage. Tank Bigsby looks to blitzkrieg opposing defenses and vie for snaps with Travis Etienne in the backfield. Trevor Lawrence continues to develop as a young NFL QB and prison yard eye candy. But, much like a dwarf at a urinal, he’ll need to stay on his toes. Doug Pederson bravely continues to fumigate the Urban stench from the office and hopes to get those weird stains out of the upholstery or else its all going to the dumpster.
2023 Season Prediction? 10-7 – builds on last year and will see them atop the AFC South once more, depending on the bountiful meth harvest and if any hurricanes blow through Duval County.
Stadium of the Future:
Jaguars ownership and the City of Jacksonville are working on a plan to renovate the current stadium as well as the downtown area surrounding it, at least until the intergalactic disgrace that is R. Goodell can secure a permanent home for the Jaguras across the pond. Sure, the Jags play 2 games overseas (1 home, 1 away) this season, but that doesn’t mean anything, right? Ha-no seriously, it doesn’t, does it? This mustache wouldn’t lie to you, would it?
Fun Fact: CJ Beathard is still in the NFL! He’s the backup in Jacksonville.
Alright, I’m off like a prom dress!
Looks like the perfect season to break out the Jag Rag!
I have one!
No one else is acknowledging the dwarf crack, but I see what you did there.
When he goes low, GumbyGirl gets high
Truth be told, I can’t think of a team I’d see playing JAX and not root for the Jags in that game.
I can only think of one.
KC and The Sunshine Band?
Dynamite post, LJ. I won’t be too mad if JAX goes far representin’ the AFC South.
Let us not forget the best Jaxon DeVille action:
https://youtu.be/2AL7r-ay8PY?si=jQ32DSsdAxA5mu1P
The Stadium of the Fuuuutuuuuure! Bullshit. There is no fucking way Jacksonville can/will pony up the bajillions that would cost. They will fight it out for a few years, to make it look good, and then Khan will “regretfully” announce that he has no choice but to move the franchise to London, as he intended all along.
Pfft, they’ll just put a surcharge for every case of the clap that gets treated in the area and they can fund it by the end of the next fiscal quarter 😉
DeSanctimious would never let such regressive woke policy go into effect.
Afterall, you tax STDs and then Matt Gaetz won’t STD check post-rape.
G’afternoon folks. How’re ya this weird-arse day (and I sincerely hope yours didn’t include an indignant polygraph technician)
Did you pass?
Yes, though the technician took bloody convincing that I never played a Mario game in my life (one of the random control questions you get asked, lol). Also, apparently there’s a Mario driving/racing game. “The more you learn” 😀
Aren’t polygraphs inadmissible in court and basically junk data?
On one hand, yes. On the other – this is part of getting security clearance for my side gig. Plus, one’s hopes aren’t generally raised when there are markes towards the George Bush Center for Intelligence (he, who somehow overslept the long agony and somehow got surprised by the implosion of the USSR)
*markers . Seriously, Y U NO DO EDITS, WP. WHYYYYY 😀
“Mom won’t allow me to have markers after the ‘white sofa incident’ a couple of years ago.”
-Eli Manning
Wonderful review Sir.
In other news…
“That’s right. After months in which Musk has supported racist rants; encouraged hate speech; elevated literal Nazi propaganda; fired every Twitter employee in Brazil on suspicion of being too liberal; fired the entire company press office and the entire company communications department; decimated the team responsible for content moderation; terrified advertisers with chaos, irresponsibility, and perpetuating racism; and thrown away global brand recognition by renaming the whole platform to indulge a personal whim, Musk has put his finger on the real issue.”
https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/9/5/2191588/-Elon-Musk-says-he-s-not-antisemitic-then-blames-Jews-for-destroying-X
Is this some kind of bet between billionaires? If he can destroy Twitter/X he gets a shitty thrift store trophy?
I’ve been making Brewster’s Millions jokes for a while with regards to Space Karen’s moneyburning antics.
How funny, I had clipped these words from Josh over at Talking Points Memo regarding the exact same topic:
“Gonna need a citation on that.” – Ezekiel Elliott
He is such a booger eater.
The water in the Gulf of Mexico has been measured at over 100°F this summer. I’m going to set the over/under on NFL games that have to be postponed/relocated due to hurricanes this season at 2.5.
Speaking of which…stay on your toes, Don T. And make sure you have your BK app login credentials handy.
(buys paper towel stocks)
I mean….
I guess like….
Go Jaguars?