First appointment viewing of 2023, as we stretch our buttholes for NFL WEEK ONE WOO!!! all day tomorrow.
Ballsy: I’m glad Hippo is finally getting on the anal bandwagon! Stretching the butthole slowly and carefully is very important for proper and safe anal fun! Yes, I’m back. Although I might not be invited back next week after the butsecks joke.
Texas (+7) at Alabama (7:00, ESPN)
Hoo boy, I betcha Roll Damn Tide is mighty pissed off about Steerfuckers South, for beating the spread in Austin last September. Wut say yeeeewwwww, PAWWWWLLLL?
Ballsy: This will be a SEC conference matchup next year. Bama is gonna give them a rough welcome.
Oregon (-6.5) at Texas Tech (7:00, Fox)
I really appreciate the balls on Guns Up!!’s non-conference schedule. They’ll benefit from that bananacakes loss in Laramie, and beat Quack Attack outright.
Ballsy: As long as there’s a balls-appreciation society, I’m happy. Oregon wants to prove a point. They’ll win.
UCLA (-14.5) at San Diego State (7:30, CBS)
Inquiring minds want to know – what would the JV BOLTMEN!! have done if they gave notice to leave the Mountain West for the PAC-now-2? Some SoCal lawyers would sure ’nuff made their billable hour targets. Here’s another home dog that I likes outright.
Ballsy: When I was in college, this was the Ultimate Road Trip because SDSU girls, partying, and TJ. If you came back to LA intact, you didn’t do it right. And yes, SDSU to at least cover if not outright win.
Stanford (+29.5) at Southern Cal (10:30, Fox)
How the mighty Trees have fallen, used to be you’d half expect them to not only cover this outlandish spread, but actually win. Now, they are just counting the days until hilarious ACC membership. Which is counting the days until their 2030-32-ish dissolution date.
Ballsy: Because Hippo loves wet song girls.
Auburn (-6.5) at Cal (10:30, ESPN)
Here’s a sleeper fun matchup, on the Tweaker timeline, no less! Former Wolven Sort cult hero Ben Finley (aka “Little Fin” due to his “famous” older brother) is running the Golden Shower Bears show, and one wonders whether War Damn Eagle will take this trip seriously enough. I sense a fun shootout here.
Ballsy: This is a fun matchup of two teams that really should be better than they actually are. It’s criminal how shitty Cal is at the major sports and Auburn used to be good for fuck’s sake! Bo and Chuck know.
Per this morning’s Danny Masterson convo:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cw8DfKJrEwV/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
That’s fucking funny.
Other than the multiple rapes part of it, of course.
I am 6’1″ and bounce around between 210 and 215, (for the moment; I have no illusions where time and gravity are going), and I always enjoy seeing the TV people tell me that a football player is 6’2″ and 210 and thinking “we’re not even the same species, let alone height and weight!!!!”
“See, this lawyer from Connecticut gets it!” – the authors of The Bell Curve
I am also not prepared to run directly at someone full speed with pads lowered to inflict pain.
It’s a young mans game.
I have a pretty good idea what would happen to me if I took a hit from a football player of the same size and weight as me, and it very much involves the word “paste”
Oh we need some more of this shit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCV6paTXyCU
Fuck and yes.
I can absolutely see Urban Meyer loving Matt Leinart’s idea for a portable cooking desk in that commercial.
Because he could use that desk to hide the fingers he’s trying to jam up a drunk co-ed’s ass from his wife, you see.
Things with the Fightin’ Horatios are getting interesting. The QB who started today is a transfer from Maine, and as noted below he’s good at everything that doesn’t involve throwing the ball. Turns out UConn’s OC used to be the head coach at Maine and brought this kid in. After the game, during which the Maine kid got yanked and the second-string kid lit up the stats, (admittedly while Georgia State was likely in a prevent defense), the head coach came out and criticized the play-calling on offense.
Sounds like trouble in the football paradise that is Storrs, CT! Tune in next week for ‘As The (UConn football) World Turns (the ball over)’!!
You got home!
Got back late last Sunday.
My ten day trip lasted 9 weeks.
my turn
I propose that, in honor of Horatio’s struggle with his neighbor’s cows, that we all eat cow meat tomorrow. Steaks, burgers, carne asada, take your pick.
I appreciate the gesture but I have a previous commitment to a fried chicken dinner at a local fancy-pants restaurant.
Also no one has seen the cows for the last few days. They’re not back where they’re supposed to be either. Things are…ominous.
I had steak tonight. I will use the leftovers in a salad with french fries tomorrow, because I am a Yinzer.
LSU treating Grambling like most historically Black institutions trying to promote voting rights in Louisiana.
I can’t be the only one who sees that “Mountain America Stadium” logo on Sparky’s pitch and changes it to “NAUGHTY America Stadium?”
Pretty sure you are the only one doing that.
This man makes $500,000 a year.
Since when did they make the whole dern Country a Saint, anyway?
Thank you! I knew I was missing something, and that was it.
I’m eating fresh cut pineapple chunks (I watched them cutting them) and these things are pretty darn good.
I had pineapple on my pizza!
With bacon.
If you haven’t tried this combination then you can’t say you don’t like pineapple on your pizza.
Think I’ll have another slice.
I don’t hate it!
As an Italian, I must inform you that you’re on the list. Pineapple on a pizza is serious sin.
Historic context
https://twitter.com/ArtButSports/status/1700701077492867102
PICK QUACK!
So many TT surrender cobras.
I have a feeling thr Alabama fan base will be a bit spicy tonight on various social media platforms.
You mean they’ll react reasonably?
I’m a certain the melanin levels of the QB shan’t be mentioned by the good ol’ Boys.
“Ah ain’t got nuthin’ ‘gainst the boy, yew unnastahn, he just ain’t got the ‘telgence what’d needed fer the posihun!”
“Sir, this is a Waffle House”
“Ah know sweetheart. Say, could I get a lil’ more sugah in this heah swee’tea? This ‘un ain’t even makin’ mah teeth tingle. Thank yuh, you’re a doll.”
Yeah I wouldn’t want to be a historically important tree in Texas right now. Although I wouldn’t ever want to be a historically important tree in Texas, because I can’t imagine Texans using trees for anything other than lynchin’. I mean it’s not like they’re cutting them down and pulping them into paper to write books with.
Time to start sending asshole texts to my brother in law and nephew about Bama getting beat.
college football 2007: best college football season ever?
college football 2021: lol nope, ours be on crack
college football 2022: mega space crack
college football 2023: unbeaten coach prime > .500 coach saban super nebula crack and its only week 2
It’s funny because Prime Time is doing the same thing Saban does, in terms of coaching. Get the best guys that need career rehabs. Get the coaches to tell Nick/Deon what players they want. Use star power to secure the talent. Let the coaches run the show and just act like a figure head.
lol tide
MEGA LOL TIDE
Whale’s Vagina State U’s helmets are pretty awesome.
Too bad they’re down 35-10.
Gumbygirl’s Midnite Tokers even lost today WTF!!!
It’s a bad day. Boo. And fucking Midsomer is one I saw recently.
Last I checked UConn was down 35-14 but finally pulled the QB who played against NC State and who clearly isn’t ready for this level of football. And when I say “this level” I mean he is not qualified to play QB for a school of UConn’s caliber, which is not good.
Hard to stop them Sex Panthers, I guess
Fellow Charlie Brown U doing Charlie Brown things in the 2nd half
Shit, I am NOT ready for opening day tomorrow.
I need to pick 1 WR and 2 flex from:
DJ Moore vs GB
Aiyuk @ PIT
Christian Kirk @ IND
Dobbins vs HOU
Breece Hall vs BUF
Mattison vs TB
Rachad White @ MIN
Halp
Moore, Aiyuk for sure, then I might roll the dice on Founding Fathers
Who is Founding Fathers?
Alexander Mattison of course!!
Is there a doctor in the (club)house?
Christian Kirk is really good and he gets along well with the Jax female QB.
Flex Rashad White and DJ Moore
Has anyone ever seen Armed&Hammered and Elon Musk in the same place?
https://twitter.com/kendallybrown/status/1700678935753683145
I bought this at the Ford River Rouge factory gift shop. It’s a pants belt made like an F-150 seat belt! Hot dang!
Dude, that’s pretty cool!
That’s actually is pretty rad
It get’s better! Here’s my Ford Trucks key holder that snaps onto my F-150 belt. When I need to detach the key fob to get into my Tesla, I just push the release button. Ha Ha!
That is really cool
Ha ha you’re being nice. It’s the dorkiest combo ever.
I’m honestly not. If I had been in that gift shop, I would have bought them.
Sweet! Not the Tesla though. That’s lame.
I don’t own a Tesla. Yet. I rented one for two months in DC and I love that fucking car. The 2023 Model 3 is awesome. I also tried a Kia Niro EV (hated it) and in Detroit I had a Ford Edge gas engine (hated it) and a Nissan pickup truck (not bad).
This year, we are getting Hell’s Playoffs:
Notre Dame, Texas, Paedo State*, Michigan
*late sub for tOSU, since Redshirt wisely burned his wish on the Burrow extension
How come wud ALABAMA not have a half-decent QB ah think somethin’ smells funny PAAAAAWWWWLLLLL wut say yew??
No idea what “the Paloose” means, but I’ve always liked Wazzu. Probably because my team is a Charlie Brown university, too.
Also Cougettes
#NotWrong
If I’m the Charlotte AD and my head coach walks out on the field in a sweatshirt cut off at the shoulders we’re having a talk at half-time.
[pouts] “But Bill Belichick did it…”
No, these are gone from the shoulders. It’s basically a tank top, and this is not a physically fit man, either. Looks like straight trailer trash.
Wait, Jim Bob has a Cooter now? I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in the southern states, or will be soon. But I fully support Jim Bob’s right to be a truly hideous woman, if that’s what she/they identify as.
UNCC basically hired the macho id of Lesser Harbs
Strange things are afoot in Tuscaloosa.
Chair fight?
Sounds fun! Let’s go!
People are dating outside their gene pools?
I thought the upside of cousin fucking was not having to buy her dinner first?
“Strange things? Afoot? We’re on our way!”
Found the game Buddy’s watching.
https://twitter.com/nocontextcfb/status/1700677967033356665/photo/1
MOAR LIEK Ass-abama amirite
Turrible.
holy shitsnacks, tomorrow better not be this bad! Though I guess Scott Muthafuckin’ Hanson will always cheer us up regardless
There’s a reason they’re called Power 5 conferences. Still, San Diego is gorgeous
“Baa-ba-da-baa-baa-baa…”
Youtube TV is fucking up big time on the night before their first NFL Sunday Ticket.
Do you need to call someone? Get the IT people involved?
Well call somebody because you’re fucking my shit up BIG time!
They still haven’t come up with a fix for customers like me who pay for youtube tv through Google Pay. I can’t have Sunday ticket. What a freaking shitshow, this should not be a problem. Put Zymm on it, for Chrissakes!
I have Red Zone through Fubo and I prefer it over Sunday Ticket as I only watched their Red Zone, never the individual games, Costs a lot less too.
This season, I plan to watch Redzone on TV, muted Donks WOO! on tablet. Excited for my very first stroke tomorrow.
Me too. MUCH better!
Chip Kelly’s manzierre getting a real workout tonight.
I’m disappointed at the lack of crowd shots featuring sexy SDSU ladies.
Have the Bible thumpers launched a campaign against #PervyCameraman? I have noticed a marked decrease, too.
/could also be CBS being too cheap for multiple cameras
Actually as someone who has a friend involved with Thursday Night Football, they have been instructed to not be so “pervy” and the complaints were from feminists not the Jesus botherers.
Of course they did… 🤦
the Fun Police are also very horseshoe theory proving
Wait, why am I upvoting this? This sucks!
I think the #Metoo movement nerfed a lot of that in most sports
Just start showing hot shirtless dudes, too. Equal pervert time!
I would just like it if they showed less Cris Collinsworth.
And less Jax too.
Now you’ve hurt Lt. Winslow’s fee-fees
Rutgers -7.5
ASU +3.5
Wisco -4.5
Praise to Gamblor
Did you all watch the US Open? Holy shit.
Yep
https://twitter.com/usopen/status/1700642287363981438
It really was a great match. I’m hoping tomorrow’s will be even half as good.
Shocked the opening didn’t turn right to poppers
Survivor trying to lure viewers back…with a promise of less editing? I’m sure 90 minutes will be all great quality.
I am not sure anyone that I had any interest in winning today did so. Other than JMU, I guess. Be a busy Fronken-Uber night!
Had a nice productive day.
Last minute trip to the store.
Then washed the batmobile in my driveway.
Something that makes that first beer taste extra good is when you wash your own car in your own damn driveway.
Had my headset on and music was ripping.
The car is washed and locked in my garage for the next 2 weeks.
Let’s go!
All. The. Way. Back.
This is going to be awesome. The Montana St – South Dakota St game is staging a live cattle auction during halftime. Can’t wait!
who you got yer eye on?
I ain’t telling. That’s a rookie mistake there.
Son of a BITCH. They didn’t show the auction on TV.
Anyway, off to the butcher.
Totally unrelated, I’m grilling steaks tonight.
And I’m having a carne asada burrito!
I had a steak too! Sirloin.
Ribeye. It was fab.
I fell asleep with the cat after the 17-24 blown opportunity. Didn’t expect a 4-score final margin, but I guess life came at us fast.
Now, to cheer for Roll Damn Tide and hope against all reason Happy Appy holds the fuck on.
Appy didn’t hold EVEN ONE GODDAMNED MINUTE AND I AM FOZZ-LEVEL ANGRY
UConn down 7-0 to Georgia State after 1.
Something tells me the Fightin’ Horatios are in for a long year. UConn Twitter is talking about a 7 or maybe even 8 win season and I’m pretty sure this is the same program that spent most of last year getting curb-stomped by good programs, squeaking by BC, (which isn’t even a real athletic program anymore), and then getting blown out of something called the Boca Raton Bowl.
Prove me wrong, Figthins, prove me wrong.
I think both our programs look markedly worse not facing each other.
This talk of buttholes really . . .stinks.
These Winnipeg Blue Bombers, I call Robert Latimer because they saw a mentally fragile team with no defense and decided to kill the game early to end the suffering.
M. Penix Jr. but Macaulay Culkin said he never did anything to him
Let’s just be glad Chris Collinsworth doesn’t call JV NFL.
He can’t hurt us here.
he is always around, lurking in the shadow. where there is a cockroach or poison toad, he is there. beware.
If you’re a senior and the active leader in career starts that just tells me you weren’t good enough to leave school early for the NFL.
That’s like holding an NFL or MLB record for 1944, when every able-bodied man in the country (including pro ballplayers) were in the service fighting Hitler and Tojo.
Although the Los Angeles Angels of the Pacific Coast League had a catcher who set some records during the war, but he was only 14 years old and still in high school (he later went pro, when he was old enough).
Usually when Van Dyke kills it like this on a Saturday night, some chick from Oberlin selling weed out of her Windstar