First appointment viewing of 2023, as we stretch our buttholes for NFL WEEK ONE WOO!!! all day tomorrow.

Ballsy: I’m glad Hippo is finally getting on the anal bandwagon! Stretching the butthole slowly and carefully is very important for proper and safe anal fun! Yes, I’m back. Although I might not be invited back next week after the butsecks joke.

Texas (+7) at Alabama (7:00, ESPN)

Hoo boy, I betcha Roll Damn Tide is mighty pissed off about Steerfuckers South, for beating the spread in Austin last September.  Wut say yeeeewwwww, PAWWWWLLLL?

Ballsy: This will be a SEC conference matchup next year. Bama is gonna give them a rough welcome.

Oregon (-6.5) at Texas Tech (7:00, Fox)

I really appreciate the balls on Guns Up!!’s non-conference schedule.  They’ll benefit from that bananacakes loss in Laramie, and beat Quack Attack outright.

Ballsy: As long as there’s a balls-appreciation society, I’m happy. Oregon wants to prove a point. They’ll win.

UCLA (-14.5) at San Diego State (7:30, CBS)

Inquiring minds want to know – what would the JV BOLTMEN!! have done if they gave notice to leave the Mountain West for the PAC-now-2?  Some SoCal lawyers would sure ’nuff made their billable hour targets.  Here’s another home dog that I likes outright.

Ballsy: When I was in college, this was the Ultimate Road Trip because SDSU girls, partying, and TJ. If you came back to LA intact, you didn’t do it right. And yes, SDSU to at least cover if not outright win.

Stanford (+29.5) at Southern Cal (10:30, Fox)

How the mighty Trees have fallen, used to be you’d half expect them to not only cover this outlandish spread, but actually win.  Now, they are just counting the days until hilarious ACC membership.  Which is counting the days until their 2030-32-ish dissolution date.

Ballsy: Because Hippo loves wet song girls.

Auburn (-6.5) at Cal (10:30, ESPN)

Here’s a sleeper fun matchup, on the Tweaker timeline, no less!  Former Wolven Sort cult hero Ben Finley (aka “Little Fin” due to his “famous” older brother) is running the Golden Shower Bears show, and one wonders whether War Damn Eagle will take this trip seriously enough.  I sense a fun shootout here.

Ballsy: This is a fun matchup of two teams that really should be better than they actually are. It’s criminal how shitty Cal is at the major sports and Auburn used to be good for fuck’s sake! Bo and Chuck know.