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Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo: Standard-Fare Chicanery

Senor Weaselo

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We now take you to “Senor Weaselo Makes Bad Fantasy Football Choices,” already in progress.

De’Von Achane was a great depth pickup for later on in the season and his projected “rest of season” points were higher than my previous RB. I just did not foresee that all of those points would have been this past week.

Also, yeah, my real team is in freefall and just signed notable ape-man Trevor Semien and the face of the franchise (the Patron Saint himself) went on radio and blasted everybody, but I at least expect that from the Jets! Granted, I expect myself to do stupid shit too, and this is more “Who could have seen this coming?” So I can absolve myself, but also damn, it would have been nice to have not done that shit the last 2 weeks and be 3-0, because everyone likes winning things. (Well done to the 3-0 Hippo.)

Okay, onto the news.

-Get your Swift/Kelce memes going! But it seemed like a good time was had by all involved. And the Chiefs can rake in the new merch sales thanks to the force of the Swifties. “Man, I wish I had a clever ending for this”, I thought punchlessly.

-On the other side of things, Aaron Rodgers is not having a good time watching the Jets steadily implode without him, saying on Pat McAfee that the offense “needs to grow up.” Yes, I’m aware this team is fucked, I’m brainstorming my bye post for once instead of coming up with it the night before.

-In injury news, the Packers are hoping that RB Aaron Jones and WR Christian Watson (hamstrings) will be able to play tomorrow night vs. the Lions to help out an offense that will be missing a big chunk of its offensive line (Elgton Jenkins, David Bakhtiari, and Zach Tom could all miss the game). On the other hand, Panthers S Xavier Woods (hamstring) is expected to miss some time. Meanwhile, Giants RB Saquon Barkley (ankle) is day-to-day.

–The Chandler Jones story continues, with the DE writing that he was taken to a hospital “against [his] will” last week. Yeah, it doesn’t seem to be getting any better.

–Police are now investigating if someone gave now-deceased former WR Mike Williams drugs in the hospital.

-In DFO icon news, Jim Tomsula is apparently riding the rails in Germany now, as his Rhein Fire won the European League of Football championship after going 14-0 and had an average winning margin of 27 points a game.

Sports check! (Times are Eastern because I can’t be damned to do a one-hour conversion.)

Caribbean Amphibians Cup
Harbour View FC (Jamaica) vs. SV Robinhood (Suriname) (FS2, 8:00)

US Open Cup
Messi & Co. vs. Houston Lesser Texans (8:30, Telemundo)

Lesser Lesser Footy (on Apple TV)

Pennant race baseball, NOT on national TV! Relevant games:
-Marlin 5 vs. Less Apple Raising (MIA vs. NYM doubleheader, Game 1 4:10)
(Marlins are 0.5 GB of Wild Card)

-Redshirt’s Prayers vs. Not Detroit (CIN vs. CLE, 6:10)
(Reds are 1.5 GB of Wild Card)

-Get Flappy vs. The One AL East Team Under .500 (TB vs. BOS, 6:10)
(Rays are WC1; 2.5 GB for AL East/Home-Field)

-Beltway Battle: Natinals vs. Bawlmer (WSH vs. BAL, 6:35)
(Orioles lead AL East/Home-Field by 2.5 games)

-Save the .500 Streak! vs. Drake’s Cakes (NYY, vs. TOR, 7:07)
(Blue Jays are WC2, lead for the spot by 1.5 games)

-Chi**** vs. You’ve Just Been Tomahawked! (CHC vs. ATL, 7:20)
(Cubs are WC3 by 0.5 games; 1 GB of WC2)
(Braves clinch best record in NL & home field throughout NL playoffs w/ win or LAD loss; clinch best record in MLB and home field through World Series w/win and BAL loss)

-Leaving for Las Vegas vs. Beat the Streak (OAK vs. MIN, 7:40)
(Twins have clinched AL Central; still can catch TEX for 2-seed, Wild Card bye, & home field in ALDS)

-Dodger Dogs vs. The Lack of Rocktober (LAD vs. COL, 8:40)
(Dodgers have clinched NL West, Wild Card bye, and home field in NLDS; can still catch ATL for best record in NL but they’d have to win out and ATL would have to lose out)

AL WEST/WILD CARD THREE-FOR-TWO
–Conan’s “Walker” Lever vs. Angels on the IL (TEX vs. LAA, 9:38)
(Rangers lead AL West by 2.5 games)

-The one where we’re all Seattle fans! (HOU vs. SEA, 9:40)
(WINNER LEADS FOR WC3—Astros currently lead Mariners by 1/2 game; HOU finishes with 3 @ ARI; SEA finishes with 4 vs. TEX)

Well, we’ve made it halfway through the week, and there’s football tomorrow, so that’s exciting. Scotchy’s got ya then.

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Gumbygirl

I have a touch of the OCD. These puctures made me anxious.

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Gumbygirl

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Gumbygirl

.

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Gumbygirl

Pictures! SEE, ANXIOUS!

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Brick Meathook

Fun fact I learned today:

The majestic Bald Eagle (Haliaeetus leucocephalus), which is brown with white feathers only on its head, is a “species pair” with the White-Tailed Eagle (Haliaeetus albicilla) which is brown with white feathers only on its tail.

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Mr. Ayo

This is great information. Thanks, Brick.

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Brick Meathook

I was thinking specifically of you when I posted it. I knew you would like it.

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Gumbygirl

Bird is the Word!
https://youtu.be/V_48Qz_Oj6g?si=lC-F9nn4-QBvyg09

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Redshirt

Okay, I’ve seen five minutes of the Debate, which is all I can watch without drinking. I’ll give a breakdown so y’all don’t have to suffer as well.

Here is the Official GOP Republican Candidate Primer:

Slim to Nil and Slim Left Town
Doug Burgum: I’d call him the Redshirt of the 2024 Republican Primary, but at least redshirts actually do something and make an impact. He’s nothing. He’s not even vanilla. He’s null.

Tim Scott: He makes decent Republican points, but he needs to fire his debate coach. He’s too flamboyant in his movements that he coming off less like a candidate and more like a wacky-waving-inflatable-tube-man.

Chris Christie: In four plus years, no one had him go on a diet? He makes Wm. Howard Taft look skinny fat. He reminds me of a former major league player playing in an Independent League for one desperate moment to make a major league team. His time has passed, but no one has the heart to tell him.

Excuse the Trump Stench, I assure You We’re Grown Ups
Mike Pence: It should a rule that if a former Vice President isn’t polling greater than 10% by the 2nd debate, he’s disqualified. And this isn’t because of MAGA and him not going along with Jan. 6th. He has no charisma. His campaign slogan may as well be “Pence 2024: I was in the background of all the pictures”.

Nikki Haley: This is one that intrigues me. She’s making good points and being persuasive. If this was a normal election year, she’d be a front runner. Her only hope is to be the last surviving moderate and hope the extreme candidate that split the vote enough to steal from primaries.

I Can’t Believe Its Not Trump
Ron DeSantis: I almost typed “Mike DeSantis”. That’s how sad he is. I forgot his name. I confused him with Ohio’s governor. This is how much of an impact he has made on me. The fact that he’s a front runner both confuses and confounds me.

Vivek Ramaswamy: He’s Trump. He’s doing a Trump impersonation. He’s interrupting when someone talks about him. He says hyperbolic things. His freaking hair is three feet off his scalp. He has full head of hair, but he’s doing a combover.

tl;dr We’re screwed.

1
blaxabbath

It is time for the Libertarian Party to rise up!

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WCS

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bk109

… good grief, ye olden times’ scope mounts were awful. Also, having watched a bit of that debate (and knowing what’s on the other side of the aisle), wouldn’t it be easier to accept the inevitable and install me as the new God-Emperor of the USA? I promise to be less shite than your current crop of politicos and solemnly promise that if made the one true King to … dunno, to ship all people responsible for the tidal wave of crappy reality TV for a battle royale for the ages or some other bit of populist shit I can think of

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Gumbygirl

Nikki Haley seems reasonable when compared to the rest of these shit gibbons. She is not.

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scotchnaut

/an excerpt from Slaughtermatic that I just read

During a little riot in McKenna Square, a cop flung a crucifixion bomb, which skittered into the plaza. A hemisonic flux affecting the guilt centers of the brain converted the entire crowd to Catholicism. Unable to look each other in the eye, the inhibited mob were fish in a barrel for the brotherhood (the police) who slaughtered them before they could lapse.

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King Hippo

FUCK, I am gonna have to buy YET ANOTHER GRATE BOOK this Maple feller rec’d

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2Pack

Those people should do what us real folks do… Bullshit at confession.
Guilt problem solved.

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WCS

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I thought that was the point? No wonder I left Catholism…

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Redshirt

I guess I’ll tune into the GOP Debate.

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Redshirt

The first four candidates I’ve seen look like caricatures rather than real persons (and DeSantis wasn’t one of them, so that’s five).

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King Hippo

you are clearly just intimidated by HOW BUTCH RDS is

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WCS

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scotchnaut

So I’m reccing a book (Slaughtermatic) that I’m only 30 pages into. It’s a gonzo, film noir send-up, funny-as-hell thingy that you’ll do in two days. I laughed out loud when the central protagonist strips a gun from a cop and tries to shoot a guy only to find out the gun is a NAFTA brand model and is programmed to only kill Mexicans. WTF?

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scotchnaut

Cops are allowed by law to shoot women in the back but most refuse to do it because, “It seems too much like a commitment”.

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Brick Meathook

When I was a real little boy my dad would take me to National Airport (which is actually in my hometown of Arlington) to watch airplanes. There’s a park at the end of one runway that’s perfect for this. I’ll always remember the planes with three tails that sounded amazing at full power takeoff and had flames coming from their engines. I later learned these were the last Lockheed Constellations in domestic service, as backups on the popular Eastern Airlines shuttle. The flames are intentional: the engines are set to a full rich mixture, which leaves unburned fuel in the exhaust. When it hits the oxygen in the atmosphere it ignites. The full rich helps cool the engines during full power takeoff and the nacelle is designed to accommodate this.

But I used to see (and hear) this when I was five years old:

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Brick Meathook

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BugEyedBoo

I’ve been to that park. Got to spend a beautiful day with a cooler full of beer, watching airplanes land.

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ArmedandHammered

Farming zombies are really funny, should have gotten stoned before watching this show.

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ArmedandHammered

Farting zombies, not farming them.

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scotchnaut

SoS’s story about The Louvre Shack reminded me of the time that I bought tickets to Public Enemy. They were playing in a hovel on the outer edges of Ottawa a few months before “It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold us Back” completely blew up. I had an allergic reaction to the dry ice that they were pumping out pre-show and had to leave.*

*Whitest White Guy Story ever? I’ll leave it up to you.

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scotchnaut

So I mentioned I was reading The Red King of Helsinki-it was so disjointed, salacious in parts, and weird. About halfway through I figured it out-“I get it now-I’m reading a very badly-written Young Adult novel!”

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Dulles continues to show they should have blown up the whole thing IRL at the end of Due Hard 2

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King Hippo

Did u skip REAGAN because of teh no libtards policy imogodbless

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Perimeter rule fucks up options for a lot of cities, eg one flight per day on United from DCA to DEN, whereas like 5 out of IAD.

Also I will never call it that.

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SonOfSpam

Easy to forget that airport.

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Brick Meathook

Always National to me. When I was a little boy my dad (who travelled extensively around the world) would take me there to watch planes. There were still the last piston engine prop planes in service and nothing else in the world sounds like them.

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WCS

That movie is 33 years old…

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

What’s your point?

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WCS

That airport should have been bulldozed four decades ago.

THANKS NOBUMMER

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King Hippo

butt NOE he had to give all his THUG FRIENDS free phones smgdh

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Brick Meathook

I love Dulles Airport.

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King Hippo

Wow, Survivor. Now Amazing Race (which I absolutely LOVED at one point in my pill-addled life). Now now? I want to know if Rob and Amber are srill married, those wacky kids!

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Don T

If condoms are involved, I choose reincarnation.
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King Hippo

Imagine how week the sensation must be with the jimmy hat AND no blood flow smgdh

3
Don T

I don’t think I’d care about venereal disease after death. Especially as a non-celibate ghoul.

1
ArmedandHammered

Spectral syphilis or ghost Gonorrhea are no joke.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

But do they know how to work a zipper!

https://youtu.be/NsxhmXEmRZY?si=090Medc0aKreCNzW

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ArmedandHammered

Watching the anime Zom 100 and loving it. Especially the main hero saying no zombie horde is going to keep him from getting more beer.

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King Hippo

They should do a Survivor where almost everyone is Black or Latino, where the 1 or 2 White Devils “just don’t seem to fit the tribe dynamic”

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King Hippo

LOOKIT how much of Murrika gets to watch Donks at Bearistocrats!

https://506sports.com/nfl.php?yr=2023&wk=4

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Senor Weaselo

We got a Tank Bowl!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Pnl1ulaG5k

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Brick Meathook

Yes, but how much of that coverage is actually just empty prairie?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

So many senators!

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King Hippo

and REEL MURRIKANS!!!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

You and Fredbird need to GTFO

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King Hippo

orly???

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scotchnaut

Sens are slowly garroting the Habs, 3-2.

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King Hippo

Is this…PRACTICE ice fitbaw?

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scotchnaut

Does the hockey players play exhibition games just like the other leagues?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9RVS8cjNN0&ab_channel=haikuginger

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King Hippo

I knew they PLAYED ’em, just not…that ppl WATCHED

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Dunstan

Hey, we’re only on Year Three of our five-year rebuild, Sens are on… what is it now, Year Nine?

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scotchnaut

THEY MADE THE CONFERENCE FINALS IN 2017!

-[runs to bedroom, clutches homemade Karlsson doll tightly, tries to breathe slowly]

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Brick Meathook

-Danger Dogs vs. The Lack of Rocktober (LAD vs. COL, 8:40)
(Danger Dogs have clinched NL West, Wild Card bye, and home field in NLDS; can still catch ATL for best record in NL but they’d have to win out and ATL would have to lose out)

it sounds so right

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King Hippo

Today I learned that Prague’s “American” football team is the Black Panthers. Life has imitated Hippo Thoughts.

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SonOfSpam

Czechia is in South Central Europe.

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King Hippo

throws signs back at Spam because RESPEK

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SonOfSpam

Can’t do that any more; at our age, fingers will get permastuck repping the west side.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

I just want to say I love Weaselo’s team names.

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Brick Meathook

I agree! These names are terrific! Weaselo for based balls, Hippo for futbaw.

However, Brick gets to rename one team: Los Dodgers are now The Danger Dogs

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King Hippo

This tribe ALL really thinks aliens built the pyramids. America has less time left than I thought.

0
Mr. Ayo

Wait, Messi isn’t playing? So long second screen.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hippo, how much are you betting on Kelce and TayTay to break up before the 2024 football season starts?

https://www.covers.com/nfl/travis-kelce-taylor-swift-relationship-betting-odds

1
King Hippo

Four months is usually the over/under on ANY relationship, so it’s hard to see how they make it to the Owl, for sure. Unless it’s “how can you get sick of each other when never really around?”

SHIT, dunno how to price this.

3
WCS

What happens when she tells him she doesn’t want him to “go to work today” and it’s the AFC Championship Game?

PLUS YOUR GAMBLORS

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Senor Weaselo

Oh, I could have had this for the Guardians: Tito’s Missing Scooter
https://www.cleveland.com/guardians/2023/09/terry-francona-says-his-beloved-scooter-the-hog-was-stolen-damaged-again.html

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King Hippo

I am bored enough to try watching Survivor again. Haven’t seen any stalk-worthy shoulders yet, even. BOO.

1
WCS

I blew up a public bathroom earlier to the point where I was genuinely sorry for whomever walked in next.

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scotchnaut

-Bill Ayers, member of Weather Underground, describing the early days

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SonOfSpam

I did that in the Louvre. Our tour group leaders fucked up our tickets so we had like…20 minutes? Which isn’t enough time, as it turns out. As soon as we got in there, nature called (screaming really). We raced to find the nearest crapshack WHICH WERE DIFFICULT TO FIND, THANKS A LOT FROGS. Finally did my dirty sinful business, then sprinted through Napoleon’s apartment displays to hit the exit just in time.

Thank you for attending my travel lecture.

2
WCS

“Dear Penthouse Forum…”

2
scotchnaut

You know how long it’s been since I’ve given you Ottawa Senators score updates? You’re right! TOO LONG!

Mighty Sens-0

Sludge-Loving Habs-2

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Did y’all see the Marlins new “make your pitch” thing? Basically you say “I’ll buy Tix if they’re [$14] in section X” and the Marlins can say yay or no. No additional fees. Fucking love it.

https://www.mlb.com/marlins/tickets/make-your-pitch

2
Redshirt

Redshirt’s Prayers:

The Cure for ALS
The Cure for Epilepsy
The Cure for Depression
The Trump-Putin Sex Tape
The GOP to Grow a Pair
A Competent Democrat Who Could Win in 2024
A Salary Cap for Major League Baseball
All Females (or Other Genders With Same Reproductive Mystery Parts) By Default Have Oogenesis Turned Off and Have to Take a Pill to Reproduce, Thus Completely Eliminating the Abortions Debate
Tax Rates Brackets to Continue Increase for Multi-Millionaires and Multi-Billionaires.
All Tax Benefits and Deductions to Be Overturned
A Time Machine So We Can Travel to 1791 and Ask the Founding Fathers if the 2nd Amendment is about Militia or Guns

And of course:

Steve Martin’s Holiday Wish – SNL – YouTube

2
Mr. Ayo

Wow, Burrow’s calf was right there

1
Redshirt

No, God hates Cincinnati. I don’t want Burrow to incur His Wrath any more than he’s already getting from Him.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

Will you take tickets to The Cult?

5
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wow I had no idea the Cubs are in the playoff hunt. Good for them!

0
King Hippo

butt BAD FOAR humanity smh

-2
Redshirt

Yeah, same here with the Reds. Those precocious idiots.

0
Redshirt

(checks score)

Correction: The Reds were in the playoff hunt.

3
yeah right

It’s been grueling as fuck to watch but watch I have.

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