For real, y’all.  It’s getting late early.  Maybe for those who love life in general, all year round feels like FITBAW season.  But that ain’t me.

Preparing me for disappointment, The Shield crammed 8 into the early window, leaving 3 absolute dogs late.  But early did bring us some chaos, starting with Dr. Mantis Toboggan.  Noting the “yardage prop” on screen (165.5 yards passing), Hippo thought “oh no way, even the Commies can’t give up that much to that schmuck.”

DeVito had 190 yards passing AT THE GODDAMNED HALF.  His Vertically Enhanced Persons even scored TWO first half TDs.  On OFFENSE!  They let Rebecca Malone (with BLEERGH assist) hang around and cut the margin to 24-19 with under 3 to play, and got the ball back with a chip and chair…before Ms. Malone ended it with a pick six.  That made 3 pickerceptions, to go along with 3 lost Commie fumbles (plus 4 sacks given up).  WOOF.  The decimated Commie pass rush sacked Dr. Toboggan NINE FUCKING TIMES, but lost 31-19.  That’s a season sweep for NYG over WAS, sommet that will ensure Riverboat Ron’s firing.  Just a matter of whether he lasts all the way to Afrikan-American Monday.

Speaking of Afrikan-Americans, today we learned there are indeed limits to Coach Epps’ sorcery.  His Stillers trailed 10-nil in Believeland, and things looked grim.  Naturally, Jaylen Warren opened Q3 by taking a simple toss sweep 74 yards for a score.  For reference, it would take Uncle Jack 28 passing attempts to accumulate 106 yards for the entire game.  3.8 YPA.  Yeah, it’s a good defense, but Jeebus – that is just fucking sad.  No inclement weather.  Just…nothingness.  Despite this quarteredbackery, PIT would tack on a Q4 field goal to tie things at 10.  Punts were exchanged, at a furioUs pace.  If you offered both coaches a Draw, surely they’d take it?  But somehow, The Picture of Dorian Thompson-Robinson got #ThePauls into FG range on their very last drive, and they didn’t Paul up the final placement (there was a BLEERGH, but on PIT).  13-10 to the homeboyz.

Ultimate chaos came in the form of the returning Strawberry Fields.  Despite being on the road against the 7-2 Fuck LioUns, Chi**** controlled this game from start to almost finish.  When they settled for a FG to go up 26-14 with just over 4 minutes to play?  It felt like a professional, merciful end to things.  Detroit had already turned the ball over 4 times, including 3 Baby Buster picks (plus a few other close calls).

But…man, these Bearistocrats!  They know how to cock things up, for sure.  6 plays, 75 yards, 75 seconds.  TD, Goff to Jameson Williams.  Easy peesy.  But still, a first down would end it – and on 3rd down they released a man deep and the single coverage was beaten.  And the throw…was a few strides too deep.  Punt time.  This time, the pickings were not so easy, but they indeed got picked.  Former Chi**** man David Montgomery put Detroit into the lead with 29 ticks left.  The two pointer meant a FG would send us to Extra Time.  But the ensuing drive lasted ONE PLAY – a strip sack that the Bearisticrat OL kicked out of the end zone for the euthenasia safety.  31-26, an ugly win remains a win.  Same as it ever was for these two, this season.

Arizona at Houston?  More interesting than it had any right to be, especially after CJ Stroud tossed a long score right before HT, taking the margin to 21-10.  But whatever halftime adjustments the Qards defense made?  They worked.  Wee Kyler got his men into the end zone, but was stopped inches short on the deuce.  And all Q4…they reminded us why we don’t take them seriously.  Get close, fuck up, lather, rins, repeat.  Despite managing 3 picks off Stroud, 21-16 it would end.  Playoffs remain a distinct possibility for the 500s, though they’ll need to not repeat today’s performance.

Speaking of janky performances, despite the win?  Miami.  Given, That’s Rikki’s Raiders! have improved, learning Valuable Life Lessons since Josh McDaniels died on the way back to his home planet.  But shit, you have to be able to manage better than 20 points at home, against a bottom-third defense.  But Jalen Ramsay had an excellent game, and shut down AOC’s last-gasp effort.  20-13, LOLfins.  Hey, despite my shade, they all aren’t gonna be hung in the Louvre.  Such is life.  January will still include some fishies.

Green Bay has been notable in 2023, solely for how holistically bad they are.  And today, Aaron Jones died again.  Surely, even the Clippers wouldn’t fuck this up?  And then the Clippers fucked it up.  Kid Clearisil fought through a bunch of poop, got them a Q4 lead – which they promptly surrendered.  Romeo Doubs became the third shitty Packers WR to catch a Jordan Love TD pass on the day, for a 23-20 lead with 2:33 to play.  Love managed a 300+ yard day, even.  His first.  Amazingly, the Clips had to punt after the 2-minute warning, but got it back in decent position.  1st round draft pick Quentin Johnston ran a deep sideline route, easily into FG range.  Herbert’s pass couldn’t have been any better.  And the rook dropped it.  That’ll do, Clips.  That’ll do.  23-20 Packers win, and Hippo dreams of escaping the AFC West cellar.

WHEW.  In praising the early window, that’s not to say there was no chaff.  Predictably, the Cowpersons ass-blasted the Black Panthers, 33-10.  Despite CLT making it a one-score game briefly in Q3, it was never in doubt.  Frank Reich’s days are numbered.  Maybe his hours.

Tennessee managed two cray-cray TD plays late, a double reverse pass to Nuk, and a 2-yard flip to DL Jeffery Simmons.  Other than that, they might as well have stayed home/in bed.  Jaguras get a 34-14 lead to assert Prison Girlfriend’s dominance in the Surly Duff Division.  They could have scored more points if they needed or wanted to.  That kind of game, like a D-1AA September quasi-scrimmage.  (Sorry, DonT)

Santa Clara’s offense?  You can safely say it is cooking with gas now.  Everybody got theirs, as the Tomsulas raced out to a 3-score lead.  The rest was garbage time, which Hippo fantasy appreciated.  But it was over in Q3, en route to a 27-14 final.  MRSA defense did a great job keeping things respectable, despite Purdy Mouth throwing a perfect game (in terms of QBR).

Break out your Tom Tupa memories!  The Jest faked a punt from their own 28, and the pass was straight money.  NYJ would go on to punch it in for a TD right before HT.  There were no other nice things one could say about their trainwreck of an offense.  McDermott – better late than NEVAR – reined in Brokeback.  The message sank in – Just don’t fuck up, we are playing the goddamned Jets.  He didn’t so up fuck.  Even Shakira got a long TD, which delighted the home crowd.  Bills Mafia get well, 32-6.

OK, fine.  I’ll admit it.  RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! ain’t very good.  And now Cooper Kupp is ded again, so I was ready to write them off completely (and still should, really).  But then Geno Smith also got mostly ded.  Petey let Horse Cock Lock have most of Q4.  Turns out, he still sucks.  Fatty McGoo leads a slow TD drive, then a slow FG drive.  Dumb clock management left Seattle with 90 seconds instead of 50 to respond…and Geno went back in.

Bad clock management can work two ways, though.  Inside the 40 with around 30 seconds to play (because Geno doesn’t play QB like he has a massive head wound), Petey calls for a run to the left half to burn clock, then spikes it with 7 seconds to play.  They’d attempt from 55 yards for the win.  Now…that’s certainly makeable, especially in SoCal weather.  But Christ, they had JUST made a first down.  Why on earth not try to get 10-15 more yards, minimum?  Risk/reward calculations are not Mr. Critical Thinker‘s forte, though.  It’s in FG range, he says.  Can’t risk any offensing.

The kick misses, and misses badly.  RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! sucks out a 17-16 win.  Boy howdy, that was some dumb shit.

Vikings at Donks (WOO!!).  SNF.  Two remarkable resurrection acts.  Fucking bring it ON!

(and then the actual footballing happened.  oochie-the-fuck-OUCH)

Black Powder’s magick apparently has no limits, as he even brought Founding Fathers back from the ded.  Donks are punting at 9-17, and I don’t wanna type NO MOAR.

UPDATE: OK, now I am ok to type.  HOLY SHIT, that Charm slung to Cort yet again, and the defense makes it hold up.  21 (the VERY hard way) to 20, WE RIDE ANOTHER WEEK.