Your “Gravity Always Wins” Jets-Browns Open Thread

It is hard to fathom The Narrator’s cruelty, sometimes.  Most fans of moribund franchises approach the season with glum resignation, knowing that draft picks and free agent acquisitions will have little effect on the team’s fortunes, and by mid-November they can comfortably relax and enjoy the feats of more competitive squads, or take some entertainment in off-field antics like the controversy of whether Greg Olsen deliberately sabotaged a turducken so that Jordan Love wouldn’t receive his due trophy, and The Narrator’s machinations cause them little pain. But during the 2023 offseason, in a fit of pique, or perhaps out of boredom from the lack of deviations from his own meticulously plotted storyline for the next several years, The Narrator decided to give fans of one of these teams – the New York Jets – a particularly poisonous gift: the gift of hope.

While the dashing of Jets fans’ hopes came almost immediately as soon as the season began, the kernel of hope had been planted deep.  So deep, in fact, that these hopes began to blossom again the instant Aaron Rodgers was witnessed back on the field, tossing a football once again.  The Jets entered their bye week with a record of 3-3, and with significant momentum.  This momentum carried them to yet another victory, and the hopes of a miraculously rapid recovery for Aaron Rodgers in time for the playoffs began to glimmer.  But as is mentioned in the title: gravity always wins.  I actually wrote this post in late November for the Black Friday game, but I’m confident that nothing has changed in that time frame except any playoff hopes that Jets fans would be harboring have been entirely extinguished.

Also worth mentioning that at the time I originally wrote this post the Cleveland Browns were sitting at 7-3.  They had fallen to 7-5 as of this update, and I have a suspicion that by publication time the theme of “gravity always wins” will very much apply to them as well.

POST-CHRISTMAS UPDATE: I could not have been more wrong about the Browns.  They currently sit at 10-5, with a calculated chance of greater than 99% to make the playoffs.  Apparently Joe Flacco really is 2 ELITE 2 QUIT.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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Brocky

You know, unusually I wouldn’t be rooting for Detroit to win, but hating Boston makes strange bedfellows I guess

Horatio Cornblower

Not looking good for Detroit.

Am I talking about this game, NAFTA, or really anything since the late 80’s? Who’s to say?

Horatio Cornblower

We go to OT in Boston.

Brocky

Is it bad that I assume the refs are gonna try to bail brady out?

Horatio Cornblower

I’m sticking to this thread. I can’t handle the twoth.

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litre_cola

Is this the one I am on? Much confused

Horatio Cornblower

Yes, you are on this thread.

Gumbygirl

No he isn’t. Prove me wrong. Show your work.

Horatio Cornblower

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JustStopDude

Wow. Fitzgerald has gotten fat.

Horatio Cornblower

“What a loser” I say, whilst eating apple pie that I’ve nearly buried in whipped cream.

JustStopDude

Wait…the refs are allowed to call holding on Myles Garrett?!?

Since when?

litre_cola

Wait why is there 2 threads.

Mr. Ayo

If 1 is good, 2 is better.

Oooh!. Double Sexy Friday idea.

ballsofsteelandfury

YES

ballsofsteelandfury

I love how people have realized this at halftime

The Maestro

What’s uglier: these 2023 New York Jets, or my end of year bank balance after buying a car, Christmas, paying deposits for the wedding, and finding out that my furnace is going to shit???

Doktor Zymm

Have you considered just lighting money on fire instead of having a furnace?

herodotus450

I dont know, this is Siemianing like a bad idea…

litre_cola

Flacco. Elite. What a half

JustStopDude

Flacco pulling a Lamar Jackson.

litre_cola

If you have never had a Korean corn dog. Do yourself a favoUr

Mr. Ayo

I prefer Korean pie, but you do you.

litre_cola

I know where you live. Battered Korean wieners are plentiful

ballsofsteelandfury

New goal: Both threads need to have the same number of comments at the end of the night!

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litre_cola

Saleh has a way worse record than I thought – last night’s comment about USC’s record.

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t really follow pro basketball, but the Celtics are losing late to the Pistons, who have lost something like 8,000 games in a row.

I’m in this for the hilarity.

Senor Weaselo

Man do I like corporate gigs. A whole lot of sitting and chilling!

Unfortunately no extra entrees, though.

Gumbygirl

You’re lucky they feed you, peon.

WCS

The Alamo Bowl is like the nephew of the Holiday Bowl.

Gumbygirl

I swear I saw a Poptarts Bowl earlier.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s the pot.

litre_cola

Dammit. Wish I had some Pop Tarts.

Mr. Ayo

You did! Here is a mascot force feeding someone a pop tart at the game.

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Gumbygirl

Huh, I thought I was just feverish.

JustStopDude

Whoa. Flacco using the F-bomb on the sideline.

No tap water for you tonight young man!

litre_cola

Flacco. Elite.

JustStopDude

Cue the Madmen gif of Draper telling the peon he doesn’t even think of him.

King Hippo

That was so perfectly cold. Damned good show, ’twas.

JustStopDude

Can we play the Jets every week?

WCS

SCHIANIOMEN OF JV JERSEY beat Da U

Redshirt

Only saw the last two minutes of the 1st Quarter. The Jets are so checked out, you can almost see their luggage and locker contents filled banker boxes on the sideline.

JustStopDude

Mah GAWD! STOP THE DAMN MATCH!!!

Dear lord that looked like a wrestling move.

JustStopDude

That was a hit. Damn.

ballsofsteelandfury

Threads are perfectly even!

Redshirt

Perfectly balanced…

Gumbygirl

I just got here, why are there two? You guys are overachievers.

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s a thing. Just roll with it. Comment on both threads!

WCS

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King Hippo
Gumbygirl

Gumby’s ff league is chock full of NC State alums, lawyers, you probably know some of them. He just asked them if Armstrong’s name is real, or a pun. They didn’t find it as amusing as we did.

litre_cola

Never go into a league of Wolven sort lawyers. Trust me. So much math.

King Hippo

But maths is what makes FITBAW so much FUN!!!

ArmedandHammered

Try a league with math geeks, I am friends with several math majors and playing DnD or complex boardgames sometimes making me contemplate the exotic ways I could off myself. Ever spend an entire day not even getting beyond the initial greetings in game. Supposed to be a fight, but they started arguing and trying to figure out if their characters actually had room in the cluttered tavern to perform their actions.

litre_cola

We have met. I am in no way a mathlete.

King Hippo

Monkey Trev, same as he ever was.

JustStopDude

Who needs a locker?

Seriously, the thing that makes me see red the most about the Ravens is that they have NEVER, in their entire history, had a shitty kicker. It’s unreal.

JustStopDude

I meant kicker. I’m tired.

WCS

(somewhere Shonn Greene’s locker remains inanimate)

ballsofsteelandfury

These Browns are looking perfectly cromulent!

King Hippo

Some #KHunt on the board!

JustStopDude

A Thursday night shootout. What is this East Cleveland?

WCS

…don’t go to East Cleveland
or you’ll die…

Mr. Ayo

I see this is a defense optional night.

Or is it just a night of ELITE quartered backs?

Doktor Zymm

Gonne try to comment on both threads simultaneously. Sorry in advance if this breaks reality/the internet.

Game Time Decision

Zymm is TayTay!?!

WCS

BLEERGH FOAR wolven sort

King Hippo

JV BLEERGH WOO!!!!!!!!!

JustStopDude

I feel weird. I started the game late. I’m used to the Browns both sucking and Flacco ripping my heart out for the rat birds.

Boy sabotaging our future for a rapist as really paid off.

King Hippo

#ThePauls, but this time with a Elite flavoUr!

WCS

extra medium.

Doktor Zymm

If it makes you feel any better, it’s not like the Browns would have done anything productive with all that cap space anyway

Doktor Zymm

This was nawt the week to be both watching and commenting on my little travel laptop from my parents house. At least this isn’t some sort of actually good game

Sharkbait

Which is the real post and which is the Vichy post?

Mr. Ayo

Wait, how can we tell?

ballsofsteelandfury

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Doktor Zymm

Do you read this as yes or yes?

Mr. Ayo

Correct

Sharkbait
ballsofsteelandfury

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King Hippo

They just showed Vichy Whalers with a 3-2 lead?

Gumbygirl

I’ve decided that everybody in the other thread, which I haven’t looked at, is annoying, so I’m gonna stick with yinz and gossip about them.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ve had a LOT of Portuguese wine and then cocktails today, so while I’ll be going to sleep soon, you should all know that Aaron Rodgers is the devil and that I almost miss you all.

Game Time Decision

You can’t miss us when we never leave

WCS

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SonOfSpam

BFC is a member of the Rodgers family???

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Remember: if you don’t comment on this thread, Rikki will think you don’t love him.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ve met you a JPP handful of times, I know you.

ArmedandHammered

But, I’d rather upset Rikki, Scotchnaut, is a bit scarier.

litre_cola

We all know gumbygirl loves him the best. Don’t tell her.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Guys, have we considered NOT watching Browns-Jets?

WCS

I say we keep on thread on JV bowl fun in addition to shitting on the Jets.

SonOfSpam

Like a German Airbus company party.

King Hippo

Two threads, two screens WOO

Redshirt

We could make this thread the reality where we didn’t watch the Jets-Browns game.

Game Time Decision

Watching “Hard Love” with the family. It’s basically cliche after cliche but done by Netflix and not by Hallmark. Not sure which is worse

Redshirt

…which direction we are going…

ballsofsteelandfury

I want both of these threads to get over 100 comments.

YOU CAN DO IT!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Chiming in from Portugal to add one here.

De nada.

ballsofsteelandfury

Obrigado!

WCS

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Redshirt

.

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Game Time Decision

Love this

Redshirt

(stares at ESPN Playoff Machine after running countless scenarios)
(closes eyes, a tear forms in corner of eye)

(muttering)itsfortheplayoffsitfortheplayoffsfuckyouBengalsforlosingitsfortheplayoffs!!!

(through clenched teeth) go browns.

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s highly ironic we have TWO posts for the Jets-Browns game.

Redshirt

I’m seeing double here! Four Open Threads!!!!

scotchnaut

“IT’S A DOUBLE DOINK NIGHT TONIGHT ON DFO!”