Well, was that a classic or a shitshow? Really, it was both. For 3+ quarters of footy, only the kickers really did anything. Nothing really happened with either offense.
Then…everything happened. Except we were 1 second on the play clock away from entering Q6.
Two turnovers each way, but only the Chefs converted into points (after a fluky punt off the blocker’s heel game them the ball inside the Santa Clara 20). Baby Shanny, down 3, then had the bollocks to go for it on 4th and 3 from the KC 15. He got it by a pubic hair, on a beautifully executed George Kittle cut. Seriously, it was way harder than it looked.
The extra point was the same distance as the tying FG that Baby Shanny passed on (a move that even I wouldn’t have made). 16-13 it stays. Mahomes drives into FG range, a dog-tired Tomsulas defense somehow bowing its back. Aware of this, they clearly aim to bleed the clock dry and win at the gun – but Spagnulo (the real playoff MVP) dialed up the perfect playcall on 3rd and 4, taking us to 4th and 4 from the 35, just after the 2:00 warning.
Now, I was thinking “you can’t kick – you’re drawing ded if you miss.” But this time, they DO kick, and Moody is good from 53. He would have set the all-time Owl record with an earlier 55-yarder…except that Butker was later good from 57. Somewhat predictably, Mahomes drove his men down the pitch, but couldn’t convert his one end zone shot from the 10. We go to Extra Time at 19-19;
Tails doesn’t fail, and it was Fred Warner’s call. Santa Clara has a chip and a chair, you get the feeling (again) they have to get a tuddy and end it. Thanks to a dumb defensive holding BLEERGH, they avoid the 3-and-out, and remember they have Christian McCaffrey. He earns the hard yards, and Kittle pitches in as well. They just got SO CLOSE, all the way to the KC 9. But the 2nd down run gets stuffed, and 3rd down pass falls incomplete. There are no good options here, but they kick for 22-19.
Somehow, that Tomsulas defense found a deep well of reserve energy, when they absolutely had to. Until now. Mahomes took what was given, converting 4th and 2 feet, then never again facing an “elimination” down. That half-step slower the defense was? It was too much for Mahomes’ CPU, and he killed them slowly but surely.
25-22, fin. Two well-coached teams not at their very best, but each fought their asses off. A fair and fitting end to a pretty compelling season.
No dying over the next 7 months, FITBAW will return with the autumn breeze.
Anything remotely associated with facebook – and this includes words that begin with F – is a simmering cauldron of liquid fucking shit.
Trying to do anything with our Meta account for that fucking junk ass Oculus is an exercise in frustration.
Looks like the Stillers ditched Mitch and Pressley.
Good.
https://www.nbcsports.com/nfl/profootballtalk/rumor-mill/news/steelers-release-pressley-harvin-chuks-okorafor-along-with-mitch-trubisky
He’s best punter since God. Just ask him.
He could boom it, but just horribly inconsistent. For every great punt, there were 2 or 3 shanks.
.
About damn time
Here’s the really important stuff – the nominees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame:
Keith still isn’t in the Hall. This is some bullshit.
Lenny Kravitz could be. That is way more bullshit.
I’d bet you a dollar he gets in.
Are they gonna go his way? Baby, we got to know.
Yeah, and he just died.
(Assuming you mean legendary country artist Toby Keith)
Emerson?
Fuck that shit, not if Thoreau isn’t in there first.
George Thoreaugood?
If we ignore what is/isn’t “rock n roll” then Kool and the Gang and Sade should get in.
Also…where’s Devo and the B-52s?
Oh right, the whole thing is kinda stupid.
I know waaaaaay more Kool and the Gang songs than I do/ ever will know Dave Matthews’. I truly can’t stand his voice. Nails on the chalkboard. Gwen Stefani gas the same effect on me. I instantly turn the channel when they come on. But I don’t mind Bob Dylan, Keith Richards, or Neil Young. My brain is a little weird, not gonna lie!
The Violent Femmes are my nails-on-a-chalkboard band. “Awesomest band ever!” NFW.
Gwen Stefani gas? I’m wondering what that smells like.
Jesus, I didn’t even notice that one. So many typos!
30 years of editing and proofreading. I drive everyone in my family crazy with it when I send corrections on their texts.
I am on my phone, and I’m getting to the point where I can’t see with or without glasses. It’s fun getting old, said nobody ever! I don’t even know if they fixed the edit function, I haven’t tried in weeks.
Shit, you made me look it up. The E-Street Band and The Fabulous Flames (James Brown’s backup band) are in, and Devo and The B-52s aren’t.
This band has never even been nominated, which would appear to render the entire enterprise one big industry circle jerk. Bulldoze the place.
https://youtu.be/XHLFdptpMGA?si=quo6yf2iDc1xGxEW
Santa Clara has a chip and a chair, you get the feeling (again) they have to get a tuddy and end it.
“And that would have ended it, right?” -Niners players pulling a reverse McNabb and not knowing about the playoff rules.
(And then they kicked a FG anyway.)
I think Purdy did well overall. There were a couple questionable pass playcalls, and a few broken plays where he didn’t do anything dumb, but someone like Lamar! (or maybe even Purdy in a few years) could have miraculously made something happen and kept the offense on the field longer when they had the initial lead. Could have made the difference in such a tight ending. I’m gonna blame Baby Shanny, cuz I want to. He maybe has a bit too much confidence that his scheme is good enough to be plug-and-play for any situation.
Gumby called Purdy “Mr. Irrational” yesterday, instead of ” Mr. Irrelevant.” I laughed.
Oh, one fun thing to do in the offseason would be to watch the Korean show “Moving” on Hulu. Don’t ask me why it’s called that; it’s about teenagers with superpowers and also other people with superpowers. It’s a good solid 20 hours worth of entertainment.
Thanks for the recaps Sir. I’m ready for the off-season here…
We demand squeezeboxes for everyone! Join us, brethren and sistren, for the great Polka Uprising! A Beer Barrel Putsch!
BRING BACK GUS POLINSKI!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_l1VtpSnKI
(to life, I mean)
Surely next season will be the year the Cowboys win the Super Bowl.
Get to the Super Bowl?
Get to the NFC Championship game?
Win the wild card game?
Just not trip over their dicks and fall flat on their faces in the first round of the play-offs?
You forgot “finish 9-8 and get edged out of the playoffs due to a stupid loss to a team that ends up with a top five draft pick.”
No, no, that I expect.
Does Lowratio regain his freedom* if Dem Boys and Ol’DubbleJ get themselves a 21st century Owl?
*a faint YEEeeeeeeHaawwwww!!!!1!! is heard from Lowratio’s paddock
The only way Lowratio can gain his freedom is if his owner gives him a piece of Cowboy paraphernilia.
You’re both wrong. I have to be tricked into saying his name backwards.
Tricked, eh?
[hands Horatio a slip of paper with the word “OITARWOL” and the instructions “please read out loud”]
Jerrah’s crusty cumsock.
I can’t believe you would make this joke when I was just about to have Eggs Benedict for breakfast. For shame!
My darling dear, I have no shame. That’s hoe I ended up here!
( I was gonna fix that typo, but it’s funny, so I left it in )
No, that’s a house elf.
House elf, sex dwarf, who can tell them apart?
Fortunately they can tell each other apart, or else we’d be overrun with dwelvish hybrids.
Horny and helpful hybrids.
No, they don’t have horns, you’re thinking of fauns.
DIY Question: If I wanted to hammer nails into Tony Romo’s face, should I use a regular hammer or a rubber mallet?
One of those nailguns that shoots nails with a little gunpowder charge.
Those are so cool. I had a summer job putting in irrigation systems and we used to use those to attach the control panels to cement walls.
That doesn’t sound like the kind of summer job that someone from Connecticut would have had.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxBGzUhT-TM&pp=ygUVd2lyZSBzZWFzb24gNCBvcGVuaW5n
A hatchet.
.
Regular hammer, absolutely. You’re going to be swinging with every ounce of your strength, which means you’ll miss a few times, and you don’t want a rubber mallet that would just be bouncing right off and resulting in completely wasted strokes.
Why did I not chime in on the SB thread?
Cause I was at my in laws house for the game.
But before we left there was a bloodbath in my house due to my two oldest sons not wanting to go.
I brought a cooler full of beer, there’s never any beer at their house.
A few of the more colorful quotes and observations:
“Well, you know Zay Flowers did it, he’s a [shortened term for the n-word]”
“Yup, everyone is black in the NFL, in a few years, you won’t have white announcers.”
“Justin Tucker should retire.”
Those can be attributed to my father in law.
My mother in law had one golden quote: “That Tony Romo, he’s the devil.”
“Wow, look at the size of the ass on Alicia Keys. That is truly monumental.”
That was my quote, because at that point in time I did not give one fuck. Plus I had about 6 beers in me.
You’re not wrong on Alicia Keys
I love that their racism is ruining football for them.
Did they at least have decent snacks?
Chili
Chicken wings (we made those because my sister in law is lazy and cheap and always brings cut up vegetables)
Sliced tenderloin
Cheese and such
CIA’s black ops control room at the conclusion of the Super Bowl (actual footage):
Let’s all remember that Brittany Mahomes is on Sports Illustrated. Interestingly, in every picture she has her mouth closed.
With the Super Bowl over, Taylor Swift will now be turning her attention to completing her Ph.D. in quantum physics and nuclear fusion energy research; her dissertation will probably completed in the next 4-5 weeks.
Dolph Lundgren and Peter Weller (Robocop) both have PhDs, and Brian May of Queen is a literal rocket scientist.
We’re going to learn Jewel works for the CDC as a virologist later this year, so T-Swift owning the first Death Star plans completely checks out.
Ahem, SECOND Death Star plans, but she has the capital to actually build hers
But seriously, if it had to happen, I will take an Andy-Reid-sized slice of solace in the fact that we’re not talking about how the officials handed the game to the Chiefs on an unforgivable penalty call or non-call. This was the hardest road they have faced, and nobody can say they didn’t earn this one.
Rikki’s already to “bargaining.” He’ll be through “depression” by dinner.
I had some health-related news last week that was essentially a coin toss, and it came up RIKKI. So I’ll take that trade any day; football is just a stupid, dangerous, violent, legalistic, consistently devolving platform for televised advertisements. Also, it’s highly addictive.
It’s so addictive it makes Slurm look like Diet Caffeine Free Slurm.
Agreed. Sometimes you gotta just shrug and shake the enemy’s hand. Reluctantly.
…
That game had some million JaJuan shots in it.
#EmbraceTehVoid
THE SUMMER OF SOCCER!
EURO 2024
COPA AMÉRICA 2024
OLYMPIC SOCCER TORNEO
Perhaps on Sabado, I can explore a Super Euros contest. Where the Afrikan, Sudamericano, and European Euros winners clash. Since it’s 3 continents, the reigning champs would get a bye to the final.
SO MANY EUROS, SO LITTLE TIME
Wasn’t there a tourney where they got all the regional champions together?
Yes, the Confederations Cup. It was held the year before the Mundial, in the host nation. It was a nice diversion
You soccer dorks are in the know: are there any major soccer events in America this year on the East Coast? I want to take my sons. I’ll be blind drunk and looking to fight someone.
YES! Copa América will be played at East Coast stadiums. Details here:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2024_Copa_Am%C3%A9rica
There’s always spending time with your family.
Or Demon Rum.
Other than convincing Taylor Swift to run as a Democrat, I got nothing.
…or a Republican. Let’s treat the cancer instead of the symptoms.
Let’s wipe it out completely instead. Forever.
Gumby and I bought tickets last night to the Palm Springs Screwball Comedy Film Festival. Every Sunday, at 3 o’clock. I think it’s 10 or 12 weeks. That should help a little. Other than that, it’s the pool, and lots of weed.
Enjoy the Palm Springs Porn Festival!
Have fun at the Farm Festival!
Thanks for the quick rundown, KH. Looks like the pit bosses weren’t the only Chiefs in Vegas taking scalps last night.
And if you didn’t like that one, I suggest YOU go read the end zone message about it taking ALL OF US and then ask yourself who isn’t on Team Equality*.
*Team Equality is a registered trademark of RFK Jr for President.
Given that they ended regulation tied, and both scored in overtime, one could argue that this was the most “equal” Super Bowl ever.
Kyle Shannahan sits on the end of his bed and stares longingly at People cutout of Jenna Bush, daring not reach for the receiver on his nightstand Falcons helmet phone.
Butker’s 57-yard line drive FG, touched by a SF defender, was a low-key incredible play. What a game.
0:00-70:00: 49ers Defense singlehanded keeps them in the game: “…”
70:00-74:57: Defense runs out of gas. “I always knew our defense would let us down.”