Eat and grow

(click here for part 1)

Lab Report Narrative (draft)

After hatching, they eat their way out. Growth rate is constant and rapid. Any that are not consumed by larger specimens after hatching continue to eat and grow until they emerge from the body. Specimens of all size are able to survive outside the body. Smallest specimens observed were less than 1mm in diameter. Largest specimen recorded at emergence was 20 inches long by 9 inches wide and weighed 44lbs.

The most specimens to emerge from one subject was 632. This is considered to be an outlier, as the largest of the set was less than 3 inches in size and the vast majority were smaller than 1cm. After 87 tests, the average number of specimens generated per subject after incubation is 34, of which half on average are smaller than 1 inch in size and the largest on average are 8 inches long and weigh approximately 15lbs.

Post emergence diet is composed of any organic matter. No preference observed for any food source. Specimens kept for study are fed potting soil, office trash, and discarded furniture for economic reasons. Specimens double in size at one week, one month, and three month milestones. Post emergence size determines full adult size.

All specimens to this point have been incubated from the SARS-derived bacteriophage B-73. Funding has not been approved to begin testing using H1N1 or any other originating viruses.

Notes from demolition site

Shaving the galalith down into buttons is time consuming, but satisfying. The dining table is covered in little shavings that I sweep off with my hands after work. The buttons really do look like ivory, and the shavings look like little strings of bone. I wash them in the bath and lay them out to dry. As I take supper amidst my piles of buttons, I feel satisfied by my labor.

Notes (red pen on envelope)

Found in blood
Found in water
Found in lung
Found in heart
Found in kidney
Found past blood brain barrier
Found in semen
Found in bone marrow
Found in saliva
Found in chromosomes

Test results 31

3µm grain size
0.1µm viral size (bacteriophage)

14,000 viral load
15 gram microplastics

Fertilization rate 78%
12 week incubation
Hatch rate 1.1%

Total viable: 120
Total destroyed: 112
Total frozen: 8

Author’s note
When I got here this morning the gate code didn’t work. Nobody answered the intercom either. I ended up following someone else in before the gate could close. I plan to take a couple boxes with me to unpack over the weekend so I don’t have to deal with the drive.

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Alex_Demote
Game designer, junk collector, paint chip taste tester
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SonOfSpam

Almost halftime and Colorado St has 11.

Not at all RAMMMMMMMMING it

Sharkbait

The flightless birds have been dealt with. Now it’s the Bears turn.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS NEVADA AMATEUR BASKETBALL TEAM I CALL THEM A NEVADA PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM BECAUSE THEY BLEW A 17 POINT LEAD IN THE SECOND HALF.

Last edited 7 months ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
scotchnaut

Nevada coach was out-coached by the other coach. Coachella.

WCS

Nevadon’t

Doktor Zymm

In Chicago so I ordered Detroit-style pizza. Feel like such a pleb opening my wine manually, although at least I have a decent aerator here now

litre_cola

A Faygo bottle can be a decanter, I assume also a sandwich of some nature.

Doktor Zymm

Sure, but a nice aerator makes me feel fancy in a way that is somehow lacking from Faygo. I did see ICP at Woodstock 99 and lived to tell about it though!

litre_cola

Tonight may be Malort night after Deci goes to bed.

Doktor Zymm

DO IT! PEER PRESSURE!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ooh! I watched that documentary. Did you manage to avoid catching trenchmouth?

Doktor Zymm

Nothing like that, just some not great ecstasy

litre_cola

Palestin beat Bangladesh 5- nil today in WC qualifying. If you are the Bengals just fold up and concentrate on cricket.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Dr. Mrs. Deadly, Esq. (Ret.) while asking her husband the current date while she is literally staring at a laptop screen that has the date and time to the upper right of the screen at all times (artist’s conception):

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WCS

Lesshead it is.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also known as “marriage”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rather than use the total number of points in the final as the tiebreaker, I think it be more fun to use the total number of correctly predicted upsets.

litre_cola

I think next year we do one to see who can get the most wrong.

Sharkbait

My time to shine!

Gumbygirl

I tried to get into the ESPN site to set up my bracket yesterday, using the password I saved from last year. Nope. So I played their silly game where they send me a code, I enter the code, and they tell me the code is expired. After a few rounds of that, they locked my account and told me to ” try again later.” No, I won’t. Fun as it was, I have important things to do, because I’m important, you see.

You are all lucky I’m not playing this year, because I would have wiped the floor with you.

SonOfSpam

Gumbygirl trying to log in

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WCS

DOO-KWEZZ-NEE’S GANTA SUPERB OWL

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ugh, the four games on right now are a 16-1, a 15-2, and two 14-3’s. It’s like a Joey-heavy episode of Friends.

King Hippo

But….whadda we want? MORE-head! When do we want it? WHENEVER!!

scotchnaut

Morehead vs Longwood would be a great game but I’d probably only watch the first five minutes.

King Hippo

braggart

blaxabbath

Keshad giving the throat slash going into the half is what i love about college basketball.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS WAGNER TEAM IN MARCH OF 2024 I CALL THEM THE WAGNER GROUP IN JUNE OF 2023 BECAUSE THEY ARE BEING COMPLETELY DISMANTLED.

Horatio Cornblower

You were sitting on that since the brackets came out, weren’t you?

blaxabbath

If womens sports is a thing, apparently, then why do we need to subsidize mens sports stadiums? The WNBA is so obviously the inferior product — if it can succeed, then the NBA is way more than healthy.

They’re like tech giant healthy.

litre_cola

0 for 2 thus far. Perfect

blaxabbath

Won’t be the last time BYU folks are upset about a name they can’t pronounce.

scotchnaut

“Doo-Kes-Ne?”

Horatio Cornblower

BYU gets a chance to get home early and wash their holy underwear.

SonOfSpam

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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King Hippo

More indie rock bands that you’d expect are Mormon (or at least Jack Mormon). I think maybe Panic! At the Disco?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I could totally see a Mormon panicking at the disco.

blaxabbath

How does the shot clock not reset after a score?

King Hippo

How many times have you shouted BEAR DOWN!! at the teevee box?

blaxabbath

I’m pleased. 2 seed not letting lovable underdog get any real control. Closed the half on a run with the lead.

We’re heading north for a couple nights after this game. I’ve got no worries that area drivers are going to be distracted by this game’s MADNESS.

Think BEACH will get TIRED from all thay first half HUSTLE and FADE. Which should make for a few minutes of penetrations/dunks before Lloyd rides everyone in with gas in the tank.

Horatio Cornblower

FIFA?

Doktor Zymm

Just popping in to gloat about being top of the DFO bracket (albeit tied with 10 or so others) while it lasts

Horatio Cornblower

I haven’t lost a game yet.

I didn’t make any picks, of course, so I don’t have any winners either.

Sharkbait

I almost signed up to see if I could get zero possible points

SonOfSpam

Looks like you followed my advice and took the Wildcats to win it all.

litre_cola

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King Hippo

I am pretty sure am already eliminated. I never, EVER get Sparty right.

King Hippo

A song about drugs is beating up the Stormin’ Mormons.

Game Time Decision

Thought request line was tomorrow!?!

litre_cola

Vacaciones start now! Workout done, wine poured before noon. joint smoked, let’s hoop. Hail gamblor and Tom Izzo.

ballsofsteelandfury

Balls’ Top Ten US cities to host sporting events:

Los Angeles
Las Vegas
New Orleans
Miami
New York
Atlanta
Dallas
Indianapolis
Boston
Houston

litre_cola

No love for Seattle or Chicago eh?

ballsofsteelandfury

Weather is too inconsistent. If I were to add Canadia, I’d put Vancouver ahead of either of them.

litre_cola

Montreal n’est pas content, pas en toute.

Doktor Zymm

Yet you picked two cities in Texas where they build on flood plain and have an electrical grid that craps out with their deep freezes?

Sharkbait

Boston or Foxboro?

ballsofsteelandfury

Boston. Foxborough is a nightmare dreampt up by Freddie Krueger.

Sharkbait

Accurate. Only a demon would come to with Route 1.

SonOfSpam

Looks like Redshirt has a mortal enemy

https://twitter.com/r0wdy_/status/1769866135913005177

ballsofsteelandfury

Arlington, Texas is not a city. It is a stadium surrounded by scrub, trailer parks, and poor people

ballsofsteelandfury

Also, New York/New Jersey is not a city. It is two separate states with a slash in between.

King Hippo

There is such a thing as the social contract. When you ask my call availability, and I say “right now, I can make anything from 11-3 work” one expects the other to then select a time in that window. NOT just expect me to wait by the goddamned phone for 4 hours.

ballsofsteelandfury

Charge them double.

Horatio Cornblower

I just say “none, I’m very busy.” Saves a lot of time.

King Hippo

I really need to start with that. Though I shepherd as many things to e-mail as humanly possible. Fuck me, do I ever hate the phone.

SonOfSpam

I think Alex’s whole story is an explanation for Trump’s presidency.

Brick Meathook

This is my brain on drugs:

https://ibb.co/cw9m0tM

blaxabbath

I think he’s a scifi author.

King Hippo

Once you get the alternate earworm of “redneck kings of FUCK” into your brain for this song, it is there FOAREVER:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nof3EZ2IAk0

Game Time Decision

I need Agent Scully to explain this to me as what this is, as I don’t think i want the truth from the Smoking Man,

2Pack

I’d have her wear this and deep bend a lot during the explanation. I’m sure I’d understand it all.

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King Hippo

DonT picked the Hardwood JV Titans, at least -ish. That’s good bracketologing!

scotchnaut

I just called Colgate “The Fighting Bicuspids” in a work email group. The Hippo is strong in me today.

Game Time Decision

Senor Weaselo asks what ne needs to do to get credit for good team names

King Hippo

I love Senor’s twist on the concept. You can tell he’s waaaayyyyy MOAR cultured than me.

/no surprise we each picked the Hardwood JV 500s to cut down the nets

Game Time Decision

I know that most of his team names are funny, just not aware of enough to understand the joke of each. And too lazy to figure out why

Senor Weaselo

It’s a lot of puns and/or anything to pan the team involved! And math jokes, when it involves Edmonton.

litre_cola

The one thing they can’t do in that dump.

Senor Weaselo

Solid.

Gumbygirl

Is it a Catholic school? Then they could be the Holy Molars!

King Hippo

Things Hippo Hates – waiting for a stupid client to call, when #2ndPill needs some lovin’

LemonJello

Get Other Hippo to take the call. He needs to pull his own weight once in a while.

King Hippo

problem is, dat sumbitch gots no filter whatsoever

Brick Meathook

Route the calls to me Hippo (I’ll send you my number on Slack). I’ll pump your billable rate today by 400% (I take a 10% cut of gross proceeds before taxes). I’ll try not to quote too many phony precedents but with AI today who knows the difference. Please settle all accounts with me by the end of the month. God Bless.

King Hippo

Holy cats, you think you’re getting my dumb ass, instead you get THE Brick Meathook for a mere $2,280/hr? What a bargain indeed.

Brick Meathook

I’ll be a good Hippo, Hippo.

Brick Meathook
King Hippo

Springtime always brings forth thoughts and feelings. Of death.

Brick Meathook

Plus beautiful flowers in full bloom and also killing. Don’t forget thoughts of killing!

whoa I hope I didn’t say that last part out loud

Brick Meathook

I don’t know which is more confusing: this article, or Ayo screwing up his engine model. Note the pun on “screw.” Ha ha that’s good comedy stuff there.

I’m willing to challenge any of you to a Yahtzee death-match as soon as I figure out how to play that fucking game. We owned it in our house growing up but I can’t remember playing it once.

The beauty of mixing alcohol and opiates is the heightened reality. The downside? There is no downside!

Here’s a bonus picture of Lynda Carter, TV’s Wonder Woman. Look at those eyes . . .

https://ibb.co/dm7b2rr

Brick Meathook

But Part 1 the story of the broken screw?

SonOfSpam

It’s. Always. Jet. Engines.

litre_cola

Or cameras!

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m in

Brick Meathook

Lynda Carter or Yahtzee?

Sharkbait

Yes

ballsofsteelandfury

This

BugEyedBoo

Vernor Vinge RIP. A shame. He only wrote one book about ten times, but it was a pretty good one.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh fuck! I wrote to him one time about my keyboard stuff and he was kind enough to write back!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is a fantastic time to be reading this story considering that a neighbor just engaged me to help them clean out their parents’ storage unit on Monday. Just absolutely fantastic, doesn’t put any creepy thoughts in my head whatsoever.

Horatio Cornblower

This is why Alabama is not-so-secretly trying to ban IVF.

Sharkbait

To be fair, less Alabamians is probably a good thing

Sharkbait

I ended up following someone else in before the gate could close.

As someone in infosec, this was the scariest bit in this post.

Horatio Cornblower

Probably the most realistic, too.

BugEyedBoo

Tailgating is Bad.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You are seriously flirting with getting yourself kicked out of finger guns club.” – Balls