The following are things that have actually happened to me on the trains this week. They are pretty dumb. These are my stories.

-So, Senorita Weaselo and I were getting on the train back to her place after I had successfully gotten her to play for the school’s strings concert. It went better than I feared, which is praise, I swear. Anyway, we’re at City Hall (that’s the R & W trains) and there’s a woman having MetroCard issues. She can’t dip her card and it keeps erroring out. Part of this is because she’s not taking the card out, but part of this, as we learned, is that she’s having a problem with the ZIP code portion. Because she’s Dutch. So Dutch postal codes don’t work. I look up the “generic international postal code” that the MTA uses (either 99999 or 00000), we try them, still errors. At this point a train’s passed, it’s been a solid 5 minutes—fortunately we still have a few minutes before the next train on our side because we’re not gonna stay that long, that would be far beyond the call of duty.

And then I remember: if it’s a contactless card, she can just tap and the OMNY system’ll do its thing. So I tell her to just go through and tap her card, works, everything is fine, she can see her friend who had already managed to go through because she still had money on her MetroCard, and Senorita Weaselo and I can go to the other platform and go home. But between two native New Yorkers who use the OMNY setup (her all the time, me when I forget to add money to my MetroCard because I still prefer that way but I guess the “do it for security” reason has pretty much been breached), it’s a little embarrassing that it took that long.

-A double chain of events: I go to the Walgreens and get myself a Butterfinger and a Coke after work, because I am still a child and this is probably all the time I will have for sustenance today until 11:00. (Hooray for working three jobs that day—school downtown, teaching on the Island, then a rehearsal in the Bronx!) And they didn’t have the protein bar I normally get. Yes, I am still mentally a child when it comes to my snacks. Anyways, I do the shuffle thing with someone walking in as I’m walking out. You know the one. And the Port Authority cop snickers! I noted it and called him out with a “Hey, I heard that,” which I can do because I’m still a white man and we both have a smirk about it and it doesn’t end in me getting assaulted in a Walgreens, but still, actual event.

I then eat said Butterfinger by the subway door, because I’m a decent enough person to want to prevent any peanut allergies from flaring up, even if a) I’m not apparently decent enough to not open the Butterfinger in an enclosed area and b) it’s a Butterfinger so the amount of actual peanut butter in there is probably open to interpretation. So I go throw it out and this is of course when the door starts to close and I sprint enough to get an arm in. And I’m now just stuck there for 15 seconds as the door doesn’t open for me yet. Or does, but not for long or wide enough to get my the rest of me in. (It does eventually, and I can confirm that I didn’t die.)

Okay, what’s the news?

-The schedule continues to trickle out. The international slate includes the Jags playing two weeks in a row in London (“@” CHI, “vs.” NE), the Giants and Panthers playing in Munich, and of course, the anti-green game that has two teams that has green as their primary color at a stadium that informally bans the color green. (The full schedule will be revealed tonight at 8.)

–Tom Brady regrets doing his roast, because of the impact it had on his kids. Gotta say, that’s one he walked in on.

THESE GUYS, THE NEVADA SUPREME COURT, I CALL THEM GRUDEN GRINDERS, BECAUSE THEY GROUNDED GRUDEN’S MOTION REGARDING ARBITRATION STEMMING FROM HIS FIRING. (And thus deeming him ineligible to sue on the grounds of being a former employee.)

-Hard Knocks News: Your Hard Knocks team is… the New York Football Centennial Giants.

-In GAMBLOR news from last week, the guy I mentioned who had the three-leg championship parlay on the (Texas) Rangers, Chiefs, and Thunder cashed out for almost $81,000. (OKC is currently tied 2-2 in their series, see below.) He has some hedge bets in case the Mavs win, $10K in bets to win $14K or so, and the cash out was north of $100K after Game 1 (where the Thunder won). Had he stayed with it and had OKC gone all the way, the bettor, Wayne Shelton, would have stood to make $1.7 million.

-In site news, an Indiana judge not named The Maestro has determined that tacos and burritos are in fact sandwiches. But obviously we could have told you that! (Or not, depending on your view of the fence.)

Okay, what sports we got?

Hockey
CLOSEOUT GAME!
About to sue Utah (for the Blizzard and/or Yeti) vs. Cowboys fans learning about hockey (COL vs. DAL, Stars lead 3-1, 8:00, ESPN)

Basketball
CLOSEOUT GAME!
“Seriously, at least we’re not Detroit!” vs. The Old Firm (NBA Edition) (CLE vs. BOS, Celtics lead 3-1, 7:00, TNT)
NOT A CLOSEOUT GAME!
Luka Aflat the World vs. Beyond Thunderdome (DAL vs. OKC, series tied 2-2, 9:30, TNT)

Goddammit, more baseball on streaming services:
PAY SOTO DAMMIT vs. Hot Minnesotans in Your Area (NYY vs. MIN, 7:40, Prime)
Vichy Brooklyn vs. Vichy New York (LAD vs. SFG, 9:40, MLBN)

¡Sexi Mexi fútbol!
Guadalajara vs. América (10:05, Telemundo)

Okay, I’ll be busy starting the clenching for tomorrow. Yeah, now I’m pretty fucking concerned, Sharky would agree. I’d leave you with a fun question, but eh, I got nothing.