Good morning drones. As you read this I’m probably off on a week’s vacation, heading north to Montreal, possibly Quebec, and definitely some breweries in Vermont on the way back.
I still have to pack, I’m not sure where my passport is, and at some point I need to solidify what the currency exchange rate is.
Why can’t everyone just speak English, use US currency, avoid the metric system, and cater to my every whim? It sure would make my life easier anyway.
We’re close to regular season football, people, which unfortunately means we’re close to some of the worst announcing you could possibly suffer through.
So this week we’re drafting announcers you’d ban from announcing. Since I’m not really going to be able to participate I yield the first pick, (it’s Collinsworth. It has to be Collinsworth. There’s literally no other choice. Fuck him and fuck his ‘golly gee aw shucks here I am fellating the QB again’ schtick), to whoever gets here first.
That person, (who again, should draft Cris Collinsworth, because Collinsworth suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks), and the rest of you, are on the clock.
Sup braaahs.
I’m a surfer now.
Kinda
Hmmm. Kinda torn by this. I feel that both Barbara and Nick have salient points here…
Sometimes two things can be true.
I wonder how many moose were sacked?
Last one: Jason Witten. Just plain bad. What were the hell were the suits thinking???
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIKOa9D2JpQ
Apparently he was so fucking bad that the NFL doesn’t want you to watch the vid of examples of his ineptness and people making fun of him…
And for my 3rd rounder – Gary Danielson. Now I feel unclean.
He should be banned, b/c he has no business calling anything but the galdurned SEC, PAAAWWWWWLLLLL
Dandy Don Meredith
I can’t believe he’s still here! 2nd round, OJ Simpson.
Oooo deep cut.
“Tell me about it”
-R. Goldman
Strange looking bongs.
Don Pardo. Get your own name 😡
Tom Heinsohn, the former Celtic, was a ridiculous homer on national broadcasts. Fuck that guy.
What about Jack Armstrong, Raptor’s guy, he’s awful and has a voice like gravel
I would only ban her from announcing if she moves in next door.
My third round pick is Shannon Sharpe.
At times his analysis is sound but he delivers it in a bulldozer.
Kirk Herbstreit – he’s not terrible on college games, but for The National Football League he’s an abomination before god and man.
I still love the Occupy Herbstreit fantasy name I saw years ago during the occupy protests
Every drunk person watching the games.
Dan Dierdorf, because he always sounded like he was chewing his own tongue. Ewwwwwwww!
Fun fact: human tongue is the least weird thing that RFK Jr. has consumed this week!
Did you see his daughter said he cut the head off a dead beached whale and strapped it to the roof of the car? Fucking psycho.
Michael Buffer. No more rumbles, puh leez.
Bob Knight. An awful announcer, an abusive coach, and just an all around shitty human being.
He didn’t last long as an announcer, thank god, because he sucked and everyone hated his guts.
Fuck Bobby Knight 🖕🏼
Stephen A Smith in the second round.
things of that nature
A+ pick.
But Steve Harvey would be amazing.
My #1 reason to avoid espn whenever possible
The man, who fully lived up to his name, Dick Vitale. Fuck his Duke Blue Devil dick sucking and favoritism.
2) Jack Edwards. He’s off the air but he still sucked.
Blair Witch agrees!
Damnit.
Keith Olbermann. He was in sports and Rikki opened the door on political commentators.
His views may be correct but he comes across like an entitled, arrogant d-bag, I almost have to root against what he’s talking about reflexively.
My understanding is that he was decent on SportsCenter, but still, fuck him.
I thought he was pretty good on SportsCenter. That was a long time ago.
He is also kinda sorta responsible for Katy Tur.
I will not hear the name of Katy Tur besmirched!!!
I will besmirch her until my besmirching lungs are sore.
2. Rush Limbaugh.
I presume since he’s dead this would mean he needs to be brought back to life in order for the pick to be valid, which I would be completely fine with assuming this is a monkey paw style wish grant, meaning that nothing else about the world changed and aside from now being alive Rush remains exactly where he currently is.
Bring him back so we can kill him again. Or bring him and his ex-wife back and let her kill him.
I would have no problem bringing him back and killing him over and over again.
This would be a much shorter list if it were people who shouldn’t be silenced forever.
Anyway, Aikman, because all the first rounders have been taken and I hate the fucking Cowboys.
Chris was so much worse last night talking about players’ bodies, which says a lot.
Did he talk about them like JD Vance talks about couches?
Yes!
Dennis fucking Miller. Just…. no. Fuck that guy..
You hate Miller so much, it makes Genghis Khan and Sultan Muhammad II look like BBFs. Am I right?
Betteridge’s law of headlines is in full effect!
One of these days I hope Mike Tirico finally snaps and kills whomever he is in the booth with at the time, considering some of the idiots with whom he has worked.
IMO Mike Tirico has gone to shit lately. Not Collinsworthean levels, but still…
Howard Cossell was pretty irritating in his day.
I really enjoyed his announcing – “And down goes Frasier!’. Plus the Asian Howard Cosell impersonator in Better Off Dead.
Ian Eagle.
He’s actually fine as an announcer, but you can’t pronounce your name “EYE-an” without incurring my wrath.
I’ll take John Madden. He was annoying and loved Brett Favre way, way to much. And he is dead so my wish is granted.
too
Piggybacking off of Sharky, Justin Shackil.
John Sterling was, among other things, amusingly wrong quite often due to never watching the game off the monitor but watching it on-field. (Hence every time he called something high, far, and off the wall or caught). Shackil’s boring, give Rickie Ricardo the job.
Bob Costas, with or without his bestest buddy Pink Eye.
DIDJA GET THAT THING I SENT YA? (On Slack.)
oh crap, I keep forgetting (my bad)
Tom Brady. Just getting ahead of the game.
It’s never too early to start hating Fancy Dog.
Phil Simms. Romo sucks, but at least he shoved Pheeeeeeel off the air.
John Sterling. As someone who grew up in the tri state area in the late 90s, his god damn calls make my skin crawl.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk-2_Z9bRds
Jim Nantz
Trent Dilfer, no idea if he even commentates, but he should not be allowed near nfl broadcasts
1. JOE BUCK JOE BUCK JOE BUCK
Wow! I can’t believe I got here in time!
To be fair to Joe, my hatred for him has dissipated considerably over the last few years. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have enough left in the tank that I could stop picking right now and be completely delighted with my draft haul.
I have enough hate for both of us, never fear!
Chris Berman. He’s studio but he’s dumb nicknames gimmick reminds me of mid-1990s SNL sketches that’d get a few chuckles at first but get run into the ground over and over again.
If you do it they better be clever, original, and ever-changing.
/Walks away from Eulers joke
Jac Collinsworth. Now with nepotism!
Fuck, he has the same punchable face as his dad. He looks like an entitled asshole.
I rant everytime I see him on TV. “That no-talent nepo-baby motherfucker is on my TV again!”
Thom Brennaman.
Does the ban only take effect at the current moment, or can it be retroactive so the legacy of the family name remains fully unblemished?
Nick Castellanos Hits a Homer During Thom Brennaman’s Apology For Homophobic Slur – YouTube
Tony Romo should be dumped into a cauldron of bubbling Gatorade.
He’ll miss the cauldron several times, finally submerge and the upper-class spectators in the boxes will proclaim him an elite QB.
As Sam Ponder, the Matron Saint, and Melissa Stark stir the Gatorade and chant doom and prophecy.
Does Jack Edwards still count?
.
As it has been written, so must it be done: Cris Collinsworth