Monday Morning Mock Draft: Shut Up Already

Good morning drones.  As you read this I’m probably off on a week’s vacation, heading north to Montreal, possibly Quebec, and definitely some breweries in Vermont on the way back.

I still have to pack, I’m not sure where my passport is, and at some point I need to solidify what the currency exchange rate is.

Why can’t everyone just speak English, use US currency, avoid the metric system, and cater to my every whim?  It sure would make my life easier anyway.

We’re close to regular season football, people, which unfortunately means we’re close to some of the worst announcing you could possibly suffer through.

So this week we’re drafting announcers you’d ban from announcing.  Since I’m not really going to be able to participate I yield the first pick, (it’s Collinsworth. It has to be Collinsworth.  There’s literally no other choice.  Fuck him and fuck his ‘golly gee aw shucks here I am fellating the QB again’ schtick), to whoever gets here first.

That person, (who again, should draft Cris Collinsworth, because Collinsworth suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks), and the rest of you, are on the clock.

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blaxabbath

Sup braaahs.

I’m a surfer now.

WCS

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SonOfSpam

Kinda

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BeefReeferLives

Hmmm. Kinda torn by this. I feel that both Barbara and Nick have salient points here…

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blaxabbath

Sometimes two things can be true.

WCS

I wonder how many moose were sacked?

BeefReeferLives

Last one: Jason Witten. Just plain bad. What were the hell were the suits thinking???

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIKOa9D2JpQ

BeefReeferLives

Apparently he was so fucking bad that the NFL doesn’t want you to watch the vid of examples of his ineptness and people making fun of him…

Gumbygirl

And for my 3rd rounder – Gary Danielson. Now I feel unclean.

King Hippo

He should be banned, b/c he has no business calling anything but the galdurned SEC, PAAAWWWWWLLLLL

ArmedandHammered

Dandy Don Meredith

Gumbygirl

I can’t believe he’s still here! 2nd round, OJ Simpson.

Sharkbait

Oooo deep cut.

SonOfSpam

“Tell me about it”

-R. Goldman

Don T

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ArmedandHammered

Strange looking bongs.

Don T

Don Pardo. Get your own name 😡

scotchnaut

Tom Heinsohn, the former Celtic, was a ridiculous homer on national broadcasts. Fuck that guy.

Game Time Decision

What about Jack Armstrong, Raptor’s guy, he’s awful and has a voice like gravel

2Pack

I would only ban her from announcing if she moves in next door.

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2Pack

My third round pick is Shannon Sharpe.
At times his analysis is sound but he delivers it in a bulldozer.

LemonJello

Kirk Herbstreit – he’s not terrible on college games, but for The National Football League he’s an abomination before god and man.

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Sharkbait

I still love the Occupy Herbstreit fantasy name I saw years ago during the occupy protests

Redshirt

Every drunk person watching the games.

Gumbygirl

Dan Dierdorf, because he always sounded like he was chewing his own tongue. Ewwwwwwww!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fun fact: human tongue is the least weird thing that RFK Jr. has consumed this week!

Gumbygirl

Did you see his daughter said he cut the head off a dead beached whale and strapped it to the roof of the car? Fucking psycho.

Don T

Michael Buffer. No more rumbles, puh leez.

BeefReeferLives

Bob Knight. An awful announcer, an abusive coach, and just an all around shitty human being.

He didn’t last long as an announcer, thank god, because he sucked and everyone hated his guts.

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Sharkbait

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Don T

Fuck Bobby Knight 🖕🏼

2Pack

Stephen A Smith in the second round.

SonOfSpam

things of that nature

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A+ pick.

Unsurprised

But Steve Harvey would be amazing.

Don T

My #1 reason to avoid espn whenever possible

ArmedandHammered

The man, who fully lived up to his name, Dick Vitale. Fuck his Duke Blue Devil dick sucking and favoritism.

Sharkbait

2) Jack Edwards. He’s off the air but he still sucked.

ballsofsteelandfury

Blair Witch agrees!

Sharkbait

Damnit.

Redshirt

Keith Olbermann. He was in sports and Rikki opened the door on political commentators.

His views may be correct but he comes across like an entitled, arrogant d-bag, I almost have to root against what he’s talking about reflexively.

Unsurprised

My understanding is that he was decent on SportsCenter, but still, fuck him.

BugEyedBoo

I thought he was pretty good on SportsCenter. That was a long time ago.

SonOfSpam

He is also kinda sorta responsible for Katy Tur.

King Hippo

I will not hear the name of Katy Tur besmirched!!!

SonOfSpam

I will besmirch her until my besmirching lungs are sore.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. Rush Limbaugh.

I presume since he’s dead this would mean he needs to be brought back to life in order for the pick to be valid, which I would be completely fine with assuming this is a monkey paw style wish grant, meaning that nothing else about the world changed and aside from now being alive Rush remains exactly where he currently is.

ArmedandHammered

Bring him back so we can kill him again. Or bring him and his ex-wife back and let her kill him.

Unsurprised

I would have no problem bringing him back and killing him over and over again.

Unsurprised

This would be a much shorter list if it were people who shouldn’t be silenced forever.

Anyway, Aikman, because all the first rounders have been taken and I hate the fucking Cowboys.

Unsurprised

Chris was so much worse last night talking about players’ bodies, which says a lot.

ArmedandHammered

Did he talk about them like JD Vance talks about couches?

Unsurprised

Yes!

BeefReeferLives

Dennis fucking Miller. Just…. no. Fuck that guy..

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Redshirt

You hate Miller so much, it makes Genghis Khan and Sultan Muhammad II look like BBFs. Am I right?

BugEyedBoo

Betteridge’s law of headlines is in full effect!

ArmedandHammered

One of these days I hope Mike Tirico finally snaps and kills whomever he is in the booth with at the time, considering some of the idiots with whom he has worked.

BugEyedBoo

IMO Mike Tirico has gone to shit lately. Not Collinsworthean levels, but still…

2Pack

Howard Cossell was pretty irritating in his day.

ArmedandHammered

I really enjoyed his announcing – “And down goes Frasier!’. Plus the Asian Howard Cosell impersonator in Better Off Dead.

SonOfSpam

Ian Eagle.

He’s actually fine as an announcer, but you can’t pronounce your name “EYE-an” without incurring my wrath.

Cuntler

I’ll take John Madden. He was annoying and loved Brett Favre way, way to much. And he is dead so my wish is granted.

Cuntler

too

Senor Weaselo

Piggybacking off of Sharky, Justin Shackil.

John Sterling was, among other things, amusingly wrong quite often due to never watching the game off the monitor but watching it on-field. (Hence every time he called something high, far, and off the wall or caught). Shackil’s boring, give Rickie Ricardo the job.

King Hippo

Bob Costas, with or without his bestest buddy Pink Eye.

Senor Weaselo

DIDJA GET THAT THING I SENT YA? (On Slack.)

King Hippo

oh crap, I keep forgetting (my bad)

Redshirt

Tom Brady. Just getting ahead of the game.

BeefReeferLives

It’s never too early to start hating Fancy Dog.

BeefReeferLives

Phil Simms. Romo sucks, but at least he shoved Pheeeeeeel off the air.

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Sharkbait

John Sterling. As someone who grew up in the tri state area in the late 90s, his god damn calls make my skin crawl.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk-2_Z9bRds

ArmedandHammered

Jim Nantz

Brocky

Trent Dilfer, no idea if he even commentates, but he should not be allowed near nfl broadcasts

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. JOE BUCK JOE BUCK JOE BUCK

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow! I can’t believe I got here in time!

To be fair to Joe, my hatred for him has dissipated considerably over the last few years. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have enough left in the tank that I could stop picking right now and be completely delighted with my draft haul.

Gumbygirl

I have enough hate for both of us, never fear!

Redshirt

Chris Berman. He’s studio but he’s dumb nicknames gimmick reminds me of mid-1990s SNL sketches that’d get a few chuckles at first but get run into the ground over and over again.

Senor Weaselo

If you do it they better be clever, original, and ever-changing.

/Walks away from Eulers joke

BugEyedBoo

Jac Collinsworth. Now with nepotism!

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ArmedandHammered

Fuck, he has the same punchable face as his dad. He looks like an entitled asshole.

BugEyedBoo

I rant everytime I see him on TV. “That no-talent nepo-baby motherfucker is on my TV again!”

Redshirt

Thom Brennaman.

Does the ban only take effect at the current moment, or can it be retroactive so the legacy of the family name remains fully unblemished?

Nick Castellanos Hits a Homer During Thom Brennaman’s Apology For Homophobic Slur – YouTube

jjfozz

Tony Romo should be dumped into a cauldron of bubbling Gatorade.

Redshirt

He’ll miss the cauldron several times, finally submerge and the upper-class spectators in the boxes will proclaim him an elite QB.

ArmedandHammered

As Sam Ponder, the Matron Saint, and Melissa Stark stir the Gatorade and chant doom and prophecy.

WCS

Does Jack Edwards still count?
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Last edited 2 months ago by WCS
Unsurprised

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LemonJello

As it has been written, so must it be done: Cris Collinsworth

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