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Your Monday Night Staggered NFL Football Offerings Open Thread (with bonus pic of kids showing Anthony Richardson how to slide)

scotchnaut

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I mean, we can’t call it a double-header, can we? Just a quick note-I’m getting bum-rushed in both Math Hard! and Freezer Vodka and the injuries are piling up and I’ll be winless in both leagues. YAY!

To The Games!

Titans/Fins:

-Will Levis-there’s room for improvement. Folks that drafted Cal Ridley might be wondering why he has underperformed. The folks at a certain fantasy site point to a stat of theirs that avers that he’s been thrown a catchable ball 56% of the time!. If said Levis wants to hold on to his job he’s going to want to make better decisions. He has two pick-sixes and two strip sacks to his name already in this young season.

-But there’s good news! The Titans haven’t lost to Miami on Monday night.

-Snoop Huntley is back! Great. Tyreek playing without Tua, he’s a shadow of himself-he averages 68 (whew!) yards receiving per game and has no TD’s at all.

-The Fins onky scored three points last week, the lowest total since coach McDaniels came on board. Right now they’re the worst scoring offense in the NFL.

Seahawks/Lions:

-Zach Charbonnet is doing backup rb right. Last week he ran for 91 and scored a deuce of TD’s. This week he stands aside and let’s Kenneth Walker take over lead back duties.

-No Balls, No Glory? That seems to be the case with Geno so far-he’s thrown into the endzone all of one time so far this year.

-All He Does Is Score-David Montgomery has barged into the endzone in six straight affairs.

-Memories of Legions of Boom Past? Seattle is the best team vs the pass. [looks at notes] Huh, they’ve played against Skylar, Nix and Brissett. If they weren’t the best I’d be wondering.

-He’s So Close! Dan Campbell is 25-26-1 career-record wise as a coach. He’ll get to a winning record at some point and join the illustrious group that is Potsy Clark, Buddy Porter, George Wilson, Joe Schmidt, Garry Moeller and Jim Caldwell as Lions coaches that somehow won more games than they lost. That’s 20% of all coaches that have led Detroit.

 

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Don T

Another blocked punt. It’s Marlboro time.

3
WCS

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LOLfins

3
Don T

Heeeey, Trump commercial on my feed. Oh well, at least Levis is still on the bench.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Very impressed with PayPal’s fraud monitoring capabilities right now. “Sure, it’s totally normal for someone to change the address on the account and immediately buy the same $2k Christian Dior bag three times in a row.”

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Mr. Ayo

Their fraud monitoring had no problem with a 2nd bank account being added and money immediately transferred between the two.

3
Doktor Zymm

Hey, monitoring fraud and stopping fraud are two different things!

2
Unsurprised

Thanks, Elon Musk and Peter Thiel. You fucking parasitical pieces of fuck.

1
fleshwound_NPG

dumping paypal many years ago, one of the few life decisions i got right

0
litre_cola

3 vacuums however.

1
Senor Weaselo

Fuck, an hour hitting balls at the driving range with the boys and I am wiped.

2
Unsurprised

You hit balls with your car!?! What’d he do to you?

3
Spur

The TitsvFins O/U was 39.5. That was lock of the week.

1
fleshwound_NPG

century. the word you are looking for is century

2
Don T

Mason Rudolph helped a MIA defender up!

2
Doktor Zymm

What a gentleman!

1
Don T

Miles Garrett scared him straight!

2
Gumbygirl

The rent, the rent, the rent is too hi-igh.

0
Bogdanski

Tonight it’s just me watching as my 2 players expected points dwindle so I can lose to out in the first quarter Richardson and IR McCaffrey. Woo

0
blaxabbath

My testing went well today. Very well.

How long is reasonable for a return on redlines (many are inconsequential questions about meanings and ‘does this box out X?’ stuff) for a like 12 page patent application.

Naturally I’m the client who has sat on it a month and now I’m like, “so we can file monday?” Two weeks?

1
Gumbygirl

I’m behind Brocky by half a point, I have the Sun God, three whole quarters to play, and Yahoo is giving me a 79% chance. I’m screwed.

0
Doktor Zymm

Nah, Yahoo is all kindsa messed up

2
WCS

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— DK M., WA

4
Don T

Touchback. I’m officially humorless 😑

2
blaxabbath

Yeah right do a cupcake?

1
Spur

Its gonna be a long flight to London for the Jets

https://x.com/OptimisticJets/status/1840500016244576587

2
fleshwound_NPG

THESE NY JETS LEMME TELL YA I CALL THE THE LUFTWAFFE IN 1940 BECAUSE THEY ARE HEADED FOR LONDON AND TROUBLE AWAITS

4
Doktor Zymm

If you had to pick 3 Owl winning QBs to be stuck on a transatlantic flight with, who would you pick?

1
WCS

Rob Johnson, Trent Dilfer, and Chad Henne.

4
Gumbygirl

I’m trading out Dilfer for Doug Williams. Dilfer is fucking up my Blazers.

2
Doktor Zymm

Also Doug Williams would be awesome probably

2
BugEyedBoo

Do you have to talk to them?
-Mrs. Boo

1
Doktor Zymm

No, but they can talk to you

0
BugEyedBoo

Bart Starr, then. He’s not very talkative.

2
Spur

Montana to hear the Rudy stories and how it was a big joke for the players.

3
Dunstan

Eli, Foles, and Brady, and I would spend the whole flight asking the first two about their wins over Brady.

6
Doktor Zymm

Crafty!

1
Gumbygirl

I will give five (5) American dollars to the first Dolphin who smacks Rudolph with his helmet.

3
Don T

I’d give $10, if smacked with Rudolph’s helmet

4
Spur

I like those blue helmets for the ThunderCats

4
Gumbygirl

That whole uni is pretty cool.

3
Doktor Zymm

Electric blue for doing the electric slide!

1
LemonJello

“THE NEW FORD EV…THE ELECTRIC SLIDE! Come in to your local dealer today for a test drive!”

1
fleshwound_NPG

an electric slide is actually a cybertruck when the axles snap at 55 mph

4
WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGqTDPOOtkg

1
fleshwound_NPG

black helmet but a blue lion (so the lion pops out better, and matches the blue numbers on black jersey) and you got a deal

1
fleshwound_NPG

actually, keep the blue helmet but replace the lion with a black gothic script D

3
Doktor Zymm

My only complaint is that there is no Red Zone for these two games

2
Doktor Zymm

*This is untrue, I actually have many complaints

9
fleshwound_NPG

what geno and dj metcalf did is 892475x better than tits/phins right now

3
Doktor Zymm

I wonder which poor sap in my superflex league was starting Levis

0
Doktor Zymm

It’s ‘only’ Dan Campbell’s 4th year. How many coaches even make it to four years? That’s gotta be 90th percentile

1
scotchnaut

The Ford’s putting that suicide booth just outside the coach’s office was sheer genius.

5
Doktor Zymm

I think they’ll be franchising them out

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1
fleshwound_NPG

99th percentile in the nfc north

4
WCS

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5
Redshirt

.

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6
Brocky

We lost a good one today.

A true icon of the game, a generational talent who’s positive influence reached far beyond the scope of their sport. A Hall of Famer in every sense of the word.

RIP Mutombo.

Also, anything else happen today?

6
Spur

Our Sales Team shit the bed this month, today made it official. Thanks Biden!

5
ArmedandHammered

That didn’t seal the deal with the Germans?

2
blaxabbath

Strike starts at midnight.

1
fleshwound_NPG

storm duck is a god-tier name and a great drain cleaner

1
herodotus450

Imagine watching one football game when you could be watching two preseason hockey games, at the same time, featuring the same team!

0
Fronkenshteen

Just week 4 and behold! We’re already stuck with a Tyler Huntley v. Mason Rudolph shitburger. What a wonderfully violent fucking game this is.

7
fleshwound_NPG

not only violent, but incredibly dumb and driven by stupid shit

let’s base everything off of fantasy points, analytics, and sexy skill position talent, and ignore the fuck out of offensive lines and blocking schemes

5
LemonJello

Which NFL front office do you work in?

0
fleshwound_NPG

obviously, not the bears

2
Spur

Now Pete wont be able to teach Anthony Richardson how to slide

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3
Redshirt

Coach: “How’s your shoulder?”
Levis: “Fine.”
(grabs tire iron)

9
Spur

Evening Folks

3
Doktor Zymm

Would be fun to go to a game in Detroit

0
Spur

Is that the premise of the book “The most dangerous game”

3
BugEyedBoo

I saw the Lions get curbstomped by Brey Favre and Green Bay in the Silverdome. Wasn’t worth the bus ride from Columbus.

2
BugEyedBoo

Brey Bret wimpy wompy whambly.

2
scotchnaut

I was absolutely sure Rose was going to pull a Kissinger. A mark of a true asshole is that they can disappoint in death.

2
fleshwound_NPG

these things happen in threes

-mutombo dies
-pete rose dies
-this game has died*

*probably DOA, but its def gone now

4
Spur

“Ted Cruz eaten by pack of javelina”

please be next headline

6
Brocky

That just makes me think of the tom brokow snl bit:

Gerald ford dead today, eaten by wolves

https://youtu.be/1tX6jdoruH8?si=cSgw0HvF6Wt1_XyK

3
Gumbygirl

A pack of slow-eating javelina!

1
Gatoraids

really missing the Manningcast of Huntly vs Rudolph

4
litre_cola

Tyreek Hill or Mark Andrews? Biggest FF disappointment.

1
LemonJello

Yes.

0
LemonJello

Oh, shit! Mason Rudolph siting on the Tits bench! Mason Rudolph could be coming into the game. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE!

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2
LemonJello

HE’S ON THE FIELD!

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3
fleshwound_NPG

mason rudolph still cashing checks? what a country

2
fleshwound_NPG

flex this shit to thursday immediately. pause it right here and pick it up a few days from now, and put the varsity game (HOX/Loins) on pronto

4
Doktor Zymm

This damn folding table thing has about a million tiny screws. About 85% done but switching to mead, noodles, and football instead of the boring type of screwing

2
blaxabbath

What kind of noodles?

1
Doktor Zymm

house noodles from my favorite Thai place

1
SonOfSpam

sounds fancy, getting them shaped into a house

4
SonOfSpam

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6
clint greasewood

“Now you call backward passes against the Titans”

-Greg, Orchard Park,NY

2
Wakezilla

How about that interception byEmmanuel Ogbah

1
jjfozz

Hate me for this, but Rose should have been in the HOF. Why do I watch pro sports when I loathe about 98% of the shit they pull?

6
clint greasewood

There’s still a shot for his nephew Derek Rose. Yes he was never the same after the injuries but he won a MVP, and every MVP has made the NBA Hall of Fame.

4
SonOfSpam

Oh, I certainly don’t hate you for this.

2
fleshwound_NPG

the perfect thing to do is put him in the next year they pull the “nobody got in” bullshit

2
Horatio Cornblower

He was screwing a 16-year-old, (that’s best case for him; she says it started when she was 14 or 15), when he was in his mid-30’s and married, with children.

Fuck him.

3
LemonJello

“That’s just so old and disgusting.”
-M.Gaetz

“How old was her couch?”
-J. Vance

4
BugEyedBoo

He’d have been in if he’d have even acted contrite about betting on baseball. MLB doesn’t have a sense of humor about that.

1
WCS

Pete Rose is betting on the Black Sox now with Shoeless Joe Jackson.

5
Redshirt

OKAY HE’S DEAD AND HIS SOUL IS BEING TORMENTED IN HELL. NOW CAN HE MAKE IT INTO THE HALL OF FAME?!

3
WCS

Hey, I’m with our Bourble-ish Ratbird compatriot above. Betting on your team to win isn’t the worst thing.

2
SonOfSpam

Nah.

2
fleshwound_NPG

ok the next year the hall of fame says “oopsies, nobody made it this year! sorry!” you can then put him in now that hes dead

1
SonOfSpam

I have submitted an “application” to maybe-possibly purchase Oasis tix at the Rose Bowl next year. If I get tix, they’re gonna break up right before the show.

5
jjfozz

Or get onstage and murder each other with meat hooks

5
SonOfSpam

THAT would be worth the money

5
WCS

Either are just as likely.

0
litre_cola

I am going to do it too.

2
jjfozz

Yesterday’s millenial wedding included a reading on “Social Consciousness.” I couldn’t get to the bar fast enough. Holy shit.

7
ArmedandHammered

A “woke” Catholic wedding?

2
jjfozz

Not even remotely Catholic. Like i care. I mean, hey it’s your day you can get married wearing chaps and a fucking viking helmet. It was nice. Except for that part, which was fucking insanely stupid.

2
SonOfSpam

(honestly, if you read the bible, Jesus was woke as fuck)

2
jjfozz

Jesus was a liberal hippy. It’s amazing how his basic rule, “Love each other as I have loved you” gets completely lost by the fucking hypocritical Christians who hate minorities, gays, trans, etc.

Weird.

3
WCS

“How can we, the wealthy, stay wealthy and keep the plebs preoccupied?”

6
jjfozz

Watch the documentary on the Remnant Fellowship Church, what a disgusting group of shit eaters. The leaders died in a plane crash, which in my opinion just wasn’t horrible enough.

3
ballsofsteelandfury

Gary Fucking Moeller was a ridiculous hire. A few years at U of M made him so desirable to be the Detroit coach???

0
Doktor Zymm

Yahoo seems to think there is a 9% chance that Montgomery scores -2 points tonight. That seems…quite high

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Hear me out:

Fumble on a tackle in the backfield where he gets injured and doesn’t play the rest of the game.

Any normal team, way less than 9% chance of that happening. The Detroit Lions, where Barry Sanders wasted his career?

Yeah, I’m going with at least 25%

3
King Hippo

DonT, pay homage to my need for multiple LOLfin D/ST scores tonight. Will Levis will be in “competent game manager” mode, for this one night only.

1
Don T

Bof. Way things are going, I shoulg go for cigs at halftime.

2
litre_cola

SSSHHHHAAAAAAMMMMMEEE PPPIIIZZZAAAAAAAAA

2
Redshirt

Why I Am Back on a Diet (Abridged Version)

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4
King Hippo

I feel like a fat piece of shit tonight. But that’s only because I actually am a fat piece of shit.

2
jjfozz

Why in FUCK does it take a doctorate in physics to replace a motherfucking windshield wiper blade?

8
Redshirt

It’s a secret test of character. Whoever he or she who can replace thy own wiper blade without assistance will rule England as King or Queen! Or save $50 on labor fees. The inscription was kind of faded.

5
ArmedandHammered

I find it easy, but then I’ve had this car 10 years. Will probably lose a hand next car.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is particularly amusing to me because I’m reading a King Arthur book right now.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Did he get the wipers changed?

0
ArmedandHammered

He introduced toilet paper, I think.

0
litre_cola

Oh my fuck are you ever right. Should be so damn simple but it ain’t. I purposely go to get my oil changes where I get a free wiper change.

2
King Hippo

Unions. AND OBAMA obvs

1
SonOfSpam

I have new blades sitting in the garage because my self-esteem can’t take the inevitable struggle right now. Maybe in like November.

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

You could, like, just read the fucking directions that come with them and then it’s much easier.
/Have replaced wipers in every car I’ve owned
//almost got a minor in physics, short by one credit
///no PhD in anything

0
Doktor Zymm

I used my car manual, took about 5 minutes after I looked it up

1
Doktor Zymm

Of course my windshield still streaked because it was the greasy dust that we get in CA that was the problem, but at least I had nice new wipers to smear it around

2
scotchnaut

I’d just like to say that Dikembe was the most unique of individuals for many reasons for many people but also because he was a likeable player from Georgetown.*

*Big East hatred runs deep-if you weren’t there you’d have no way of knowing

6
SonOfSpam

He swatted the fuck out of that cereal box in that one commercial.

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