I hoped the Titans would reach their bye at 1-3. Well look at that: they did.

They say: have low or zero expectations, and you will never be disappointed. This is airtight logic, a great defenCe mechanism, but a freakin’ downer. I prefer my wisdom with a side order of SOME joy, thankUvedymoosh. And TEN’s march to 1-3 has been… Concerning.

TEN’s lone win was the first leg of the Week 4 MNF doubleheader, Titans @ The Unwatchables a.k.a. the Dolphins minus Tua. In that game, the Titans backup QB [clutches edges of desk, keeps head down for several seconds]

Anyway, Titans backup QB [rapid eyelid twitches] Mason Rudolph game-managed the Titans to a 31-12 win just before TEN’s Week 5 bye. Rudolph had no rushes, was sacked only once, and had stellar passing stats—for the 1930s: 9/17 for 85 yards with no turnovers, no TDs. Rudolph played like a bizarro Will Levis: no walking into pass rushers, sidestepping pressure while looking downfield, no indecision, no hero slingin’ brainfarts. Shit, I almost wept with joy when Rudolph completed his longest pass (27 yards) over the middle with no timeouts and 16 seconds left in the first half, and all Titans rushed to the snap to spike it with one second left. Should mere competence be a cause for celebration? I’ll just say

TEN fans would be wise to cherish whatever happy happens to the Tits this season, no matter how infinitesimal. Because the 2024 Titans are between broken and rebuilding.

In the opener, TEN led the Bears 17-0 in the second quarter, and in the second half Ch*c*g* scored TDs on a blocked punt and a pick 6. 24-17 final, Bears. The Jets got their get-right game in Week 2, another 24-17 win against TEN. The Titans defense played very well on both games so IT’S STILL GOOD, IT’S STILL GOOD. Week 3 was the Packers @ TEN with Malik Willis at QB. I’ll spare you the beaten-to-death backstory, and just point out that Willis had his best game as a pro against the Titans in a 30-14 win. By contrast, Will Levis had another pick six and another lost fumble.

Have to add: Malik Willis being a valuable contributor with another team makes me happy. He’s seemingly a hardworking and decent fella, plus it’s refreshing when a young athlete’s career is improved by able coaching. Enjoying others’ accomplishments is how you summon good things happening to you, at least according to social media’s notion of #karma

Enough highminded crap, let’s dispense blame and rancor. BIG Screw You to special teams coach, Chest Rockwell Colt Anderson. Three blocked punts in four games is evident malpractice. Bastard will get my boy Stonehouse massacred. Again!

Colt Anderson must also be fired for Week 4, just by itself. In that MNF, Miami tried an onside punt, and Titans players reacted to the bouncing football like it were a 2 x 1 coupon from Pus Emporium. Coach Anderson went apeshit, entering the field and screaming at the players for not catching the ball. First offenCe: screaming in the workplace at your subordinates. That is a big fat NOPE for me: shouting in the workplace must only be: (i) out of laughing or joy, or (ii) done by me. Second offenCe: TEN players did the right thing! (Link alert: it’s Florio.)

According to the NFL’s new Kickoffes Codex, an onside punt must land within a 20 yards zone to be a “live” ball. Otherwise, the receiving team gets the ball at the kicking teams’ 10. Yeah, the announcers were ignorant, and the refs hesitant, to explain what the hell was going on. You know who should have known the Onside Punte Codicil backwards and forwards? The special teams coaching staff that’s who. Colt Anderson’s tantrum was obviously out of ignorance. Saving grace: everyone at the time was watching SEA @ DET, a great game of actual football—source: cyclops and other folks with eye(s). Bile dispensed, let’s have a broader perspective.

Dear Colt Anderson: I recognize your right to be better, from now onwards. Everyone is capable of a bad reaction at any stressful time, sure. One more punt block and you should have the dignity to quit. Hah! As if. Fuck you. Bums like you should be fired before their 5th strike.

But the main reason TEN has sucked is the offensive line, in punting and pass situations. OL play has been the rot that pervades all aspects of TEN fitbaw, much like THAT SMELL inside every Subway restaurant. On the right side, I projected RG Dillon Radunz to be serviceable, and RT Nicholas Petit-Frere as a “we’ll see”. Update: Petit-Frere is a weathervane and Radunz (plus RG occupants) are a “please pass protect on this snap”. Rookie LT JC Latham had a horrible game against the Bears on Week 1, but he’s been consistently improving. TEN hired Bill Callahan to fix this. An optimist* would say that four games are not enough to fix a years-long problem for this damn team.

* A patient optimist, ‘cause it’s been a shitshow.

Objective assets of the 2024 Titans: CB L’Jarius Sneed, RB Tony Pollard, and WR Calvin Ridley. All great FA signings. Overall, the defense has been quite good; fewer yards allowed in 2024, the last time I checked. Downer Time: TEN has yet to play a good offense, and allowing 31 points to the Malik Willis Packers was—how to say otherwise—a fucking disgrace. Incidentally, that Week 3 game had the only good performance by DE Jeffrey Simmons so far. Since then, he’s been out for a Tommy John injury. And despite skipping Tommy John surgery, Simmons will be back on Week 6. I don’t know much about medicine, but “tendons” kinda sounds made up. Totally.

On the other hand, rookie NT T’Vondre Sweat has been phenomenal, a one-man wrecking crew against the Dolphin Remains. Rookie DC Dennard Wilson gets and deserves love. And flowers galore for kicker Nick Folk, who’s been perfect: 7/7 in FG (3 from 50+), 8/8 in XPs. So, you know, there is talent to build around and field competent play during the 13 remaining games, which in football terms consists of A LOT of fitbaw to be played. Didn’t mean to get technical, sorry.

I just wish that TEN’s offense ran more. Way more. Tony Pollard is averaging 4.0 a carry and Tyjae Spears is too talented to get only 3 or 4 touches a game. Both of them have been able to run through the thinnest of crevices. About the Titans WRs, I can say confidently that they are great [coughs], sorry. The TEN receivers are great blockers. In fact, the Titans could benefit from trading DeAndre Hopkins to a contender in exchange for a… Let’s say a competent O-lineman or a badass defender anywhere on the field. It will certainly make the team better. Just don’t encourage more passing, please.

Being real: the rest of 2024 will be a poison-pill referendum on Will Levis, with whom the team is stuck. Levis was picked in 2023 by GM Ran Carthon in his first draft class, and the Callahan Clan inherited him. Unquestionably, the only benching Levis will see this season is by injury, and he has a sore shoulder from the Miami game. Who gives a fuck, right? Levis is starting this week against the Clots. This move only benefits TEN talent evaluators and my nearby weed dispensaries.

Levis has in his résumé being an Academic All American and committing EIGHT turnovers in 3.25 games this season. To paraphrase a mic-ed up Steve Smith to a late career Jake Delhomme: I like Levis as a person, but he irks the fuck outta me as a QB. This Onion item summarizes Levis’s performance: “Take-Charge, Can-Do Guy Makes Horrible Decisions”. Levis “gets things done quickly, confidently, and terribly”. OK ok, another quote: “He loves to roll his sleeves up, get in there, and fuck all sorts of things up.”

In short, unless the Titans D reaches historic levels, 2024 is a wash year. The main business of the team seems to be getting certain about where Levis stands on the QB spectrum, which goes from franchise QB to Nathan Peterman. I can accept that, for this season.

It used to be that developing a QB took years. First the bench, then the lumps—2 or 3 years. The period shortened, with rookies starting snd excelling too. But now we’re looking at very late bloomer great QBs: Geno Smith, Touch of Downs, even Dimes has been playing great in the last couple of games. I like that a lot; it’s great to see skills sharpen after years of experience. But fuck me if I gotta go thru a Year 3 of Levis development in TEN.

In short, the 2024 best-case scenario is: the Callahans coach the cavalier shitheadedness out of Levis.

To be sure, there are much, MUCH worse situations around the NFL. The solid points are above. It is Levis’s potential, not his track record, that is holding the Titans hostage. But looking at the OL play, hoping for a 7-10 finish is more psychosis than Stockholm Syndrome. Hope the bye sharpened the Callahan’s thinking. If not, there’s always next year, plus Red Zone in the meantime. Sweet, commercial free Red Zone. I’ll take it.

All most glorious Vikings gifs via giphy.com. Old-timey pagans were the shit.