Your Monday Night NFL Football Open Thread

Hey, welcome back! If you liked uncompetitive games yesterday was your day! Of the 12 games played, 7 were decided by 18 or more points. Teams and players racking up points might be good for your fantasy teams but it didn’t make for good watching though. Ah well, we soldier on as always.

Fallout:

-Pour one out for Aidan Hutchinson’s tibia and fibula, which now welcomes an iron rod as company and he’ll be right as rain in six to eight months. Entering the game he led the league in sacks, pressures and pass rush win rate. Don’t let me hear any of that, “Next Man Up!” bullshit-that kind of production doesn’t get replaced.

-ESPN’s NFL page has gone out on a limb and is suggesting that Deshaun Watson be benched. But that would mean that all the guys that signed off on his ludicrous deal would have to admit they were wrong and then get crucified in the press so I think that’s unlikely.

-I loved seeing Jerrah in the middle of a large scrum getting grilled about making a coaching change. (only 75% of NFC East coaches are on the hot seat currently) You know who else loved it? Jerrah. Because he was the center of attention and in the end that’s more important than the team.

-Calvin Ridley is getting a wee frustrated. He dropped some expletives after the Titans loss yesterday and perhaps he was justified? I passed on a stat a week or so ago that only 56% of the balls thrown his way have been deemed catchable by PFF. In the loss he had 0 catches on 8 targets but the rest of the team combined caught 16 of 19 targets. A bizarre outlier or is something else going on? Weird.

To The Game!

Bills/Jets:

-Buffalo’s O is only ranked 22nd overall so far-they’re so dependent on Allen so when he struggles so does the team. I’ve said it before but that wr room is not the best.

-There is some hope if Shakir is able to play tonight because he’s a solid mix of game-breaker and weirdly enough, a ball magnet. He’s caught 18 of 19 pigskins thrown in his direction.

-It’s important that new/replacement coaches Jeff Ulbrich and Todd Downing get out to an early lead. And it’s easily achievable in theory because the Bills have been outscored 38-6 in the first half. Ouch.

-Thing is, will Rodgers listen to his new OC? He’s nothing if not petty and petulant so the sideline action is going to be interesting.

-While Breece Hall has been up and down rook rb Braelon Allen and his considerable 235lb self has “created” his own running lanes, racking up 4.5 ypc.

Let’s do this thing.

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Unsurprised

Sweet merciful crap. It’s over.

Unsurprised

God Fucking Damn It, Apple!

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Sharkbait
Unsurprised

So I just learned that bison wallow, which the Bills seem to be doing.

What is the jet equivalent? 9/11?

Horatio Cornblower

Boeing

Horatio Cornblower

Get paid early, with MyPay from Chime!

It’s like if loansharking were legal!

Unsurprised

It’s a payday loan machine. From the people who brought us cabs, but illegal, and plagiarism machines.

Unsurprised

I forgot “- digital money laundering software but with monkey pictures “

LemonJello

Sign up now and get $500 in wagers on FanDuel, the official Sportsbook of the NFL!

Horatio Cornblower

Use Promo Code THISSHOULDNOTBELEGAL and get an extra $500 at 38% interest!

Gatoraids

Prop Bet Against Other Credit Ratings

TheRevanchist

And someone really thought Salah was the problem.

Mr. Ayo

You can take the Saleh out of the Jets, but you can’t take the Jets out of the Jets.

Unsurprised

Whomever that was is an idiot.

Will Arnett seemed like he was wavering on mentioning the whole Lebanese flag theory.

Doktor Zymm

He was if the problem was the defense being too competent

Unsurprised

I found something amusing from the archives.

https://twitter.com/Matt_Bove/status/622068593572884480

Doktor Zymm

Hoooeeee!

Redshirt

ARM PUNT? ARM PUNT!

Gatoraids

Breakdancing interception

LemonJello

Ho. Le. Fuk.

This beta test version of the simulation is buggy as hell.

Brocky

Double for me because I’m watching an antenna feed with occasional glitches

Mr. Ayo

Just one more point for Garrett Wilson. Cmon Throw Rogan!

Last edited 1 hour ago by Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Well fuck him and me.

TheRevanchist

I’m not sure if the refs want to be in the game, or if both teams are just this shitty.

Could be both.

Horatio Cornblower

There’s a Stephen King short story called ‘You Know They Got A Hell Of A Band’ about a couple that gets caught in a town haunted by dead rock stars and they can never leave.

If that town had a sports bar this fucking game would be playing on a loop over the bar.

Gatoraids

Evil(er) Elvis and Jim Morrison in that one amongst others, shuddering at the cast for the NFL and its announcers with a Tom Brady + Cris Collinsworth booth

WCS

GREGGGGGGGGGGGGG approved

Mr. Ayo

BLEEEERGH!!!!

Everyone gets a flag!

jjfozz

Good night, imaginary internet friends. I’m goign to go have a few more drinks on teh porch and be sad, but never you mind cause I know my dad will make sure th e reavens win the superbwol

jjfozz

Fuck, forgot to thank you asll for the comments and support, it means the world to me

Horatio Cornblower

Good night, good night, don’t let the Ravens bite.

Doktor Zymm

They go straight for the eyes

Brocky

Or the kidneys.

Oh wait, that’s raven players, nevermind

Unsurprised

Beats the eagles. They go right for the liver.

Good fucking luck to the bird stupid enough to try and eat the liver of anyone here, but still.

Redshirt

Tuck Rule or Balk?

Unsurprised

.

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Unsurprised

Fuck!

Brocky

I want to pray in solidarity, but what exactly are we praying for?

Unsurprised

I was hoping Rodgers broke his elbow on that guy’s helmet.

Unsurprised

Well, every hour or two they’d also shoot a few people trying to stop someone from evading $2 in fare.

WCS

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Re: Eli “dumb face”
Cc: HALLOWEEN

Sharkbait

THIS is why I want to do the inverse fantasy scoring league!

Gatoraids

used to do one on Portal of evil Sports rules were as follows

Position Activity Points
* Felony Arrest 20
* Misdemeanor Arrest 10
* (Chuck Finleyed) Beaten by Wife/Girlfriend So Bad They Have to Call The Cops -50
* League Suspension 20
* Team Fine 5
* League Fine 10
DF Interception -3
DF Fumble Recovered -3
DF Sack -0.5
DF Shut Out -20
DF Over 20 Points Allowed = 1pt per point over 20 1
DF Over 50 Points Allowed 10
DF Allow Over 100 Yards Rushing 3
DF Allow Over 200 Yards Rushing 10
DF Allow Over 200 Yards Passing 3
DF Allow Over 400 Yards Passing 10
K PAT Missed 10
K Field Goals Missed 3
QB Interceptions 6
QB Touchdowns -3
QB Incomplete Passes 0.5
QB Fumble 1
QB Fumble With Loss of Possession 3
RB Under 3 Yards Per Carry (multiplied by 1.5 for every 10 carries – min 5 carries) 5
RB Fumble 1
RB Fumble With Loss Of Possession 6
RB Negative Yards For Game – min 5 carries 20
RB Touchdown -3
RB Over 100 Yards Rushing -5
RB Under 2 Yards Per Carry (multiplied by 1.5 for every 10 carries – min 5 carries) 10
RB Under 1 Yards Per Carry (multiplied by 1.5 for every 10 carries – min 5 carries) 15
WR Fumble 1
WR Fumble With Loss of Possession 6
WR Touchdown -3
WR less than 5yds per catch – min 3 catches 5
WR Over 6 Catches -3
WR less than 3yds per catch – min 3 catches 10
* are not based on position

Sharkbait

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Horatio Cornblower

“Chuck Finleyed” is killing me.

Just like Tawny Kitaen, (RIP), tried to kill Chuck.

Gatoraids

HOW THE FUCK YOU DOINKING?, BOYS?

WCS

Better than the goalposts in Orchard Park. Yinzself?

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

I’ve never seen this one before. From the Denver Post:

https://postimg.cc/wyHg5szv

Unsurprised

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TheRevanchist

If they want to save money, they can just pay me to miss field goals. I will play for the league min.

WCS

PRAISE DOI’NK’ED NON BELIEVERS

SHAN’KLOR’S MINION DEMANDS SACRIFICE

Last edited 2 hours ago by WCS
Mr. Ayo

DOINK: Folie à Deux

Brocky

Banner!

SonOfSpam

SO MANY DOINKS TONITE

BugEyedBoo

Double doink!

LemonJello

Bah Gawd, Troy! That’s DOINK’S music! He’s in the building tonight!

Col. Duke LaCross

DONNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

WCS

Okay, Qaron. That pass was pretty damn good.

WCS

And there’s the J-E-S-T.

Redshirt

Why did the Jets change from these uniforms again?

LemonJello

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jjfozz

Meeting with the funeral home tomorrow at 11 am. Either I’m gonna be hungover and coming off an early morning Bloody Mary OR still fucked up from drinking tonight.

Mr. Ayo

Why not both? We believe in you fozz.

Unsurprised

Fucked up!

Also, watch your wallet. No matter how much you already distrust those cocksuckers, it’s not enough. Unfortunately, the whole industry is like 4 corporations, so you can’t really price shop. But due diligence, bro. They see you as prey and will fuck you hard and fast.

Redshirt

That’s exactly why I told my family if something happens to me to dump my body in international waters, take my life insurance money and go to Vegas.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ve got a shovel and know a couple of carpenters. We can get that hole dug and a nice casket whipped up in no time.

Fuck those vultures.

jjfozz

Yeah, I’m going to have to be the asshole tomorrow. My mother is the easiest sell in the world, and my sisters will be like, “Yes, whatever you want. Let’s get the best!” And my father was the most basic, no frills dude ever.

Sharkbait

Fozz tomorrow, artist concept

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uer4fiP2E6c

Unsurprised

In retrospect, this is genius. I should’ve gone for a Folgers can.

LemonJello

THIS PLACE, METLIFE STADIUM, I CALL IT A CIVIL WAR BATTLEFIELD BECAUSE THERE ARE FLAGS LAYING ALL OVER THE PLACE

Redshirt

BLEERGH After Dark?

jjfozz

My mom: “Your dad wanted to be cremated. I’m not doing it.”
Me: “You have to. That was one of his only demands.”
My mom: “So what will I do with his ashes? Keep them in my room?”
Me: “Well, every once in awhile you can open up the urn and yell at him.”

She smiled. A little.

Unsurprised

Put him on the top shelf of the closet. Or bury the ashes. Or scatter them. Who the fuck am I, Himmler?

jjfozz

That is fucking gold.

Sharkbait

Dark humor gets us through

Unsurprised

.

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Horatio Cornblower

I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for your Mom to do it.

Brocky

I walk out of the room, so I miss the jets missing the field goal

my pops: and he missed it, do you have the jets kicker too?

Christ even he’s roasting me

WCS

HAIL SHANK’LOR

PRAISE DOINK’ED, LOYAL SERVANT OF HER DIVINE MISSNESS

Doktor Zymm

Some high crosswinds in that thar dome

Unsurprised

It’s a tunnel vortex

jjfozz

DOOOOONK

BugEyedBoo

Doink!

Unsurprised

Eli really is constitutionally incapable of closing his mouth. It’s incredible.

jjfozz

Well, ever since he messed up that one game of “open wide, here comes the airplane”, he’s vowed never to make that mistake again.

Gumbygirl

He has a permanent case of what my dad called “the dumb look”

Unsurprised

I finally got into the Wayback Machine for KSK. I haven’t found anything official about Wade Phillips, but I did read one comment calling him Fucktits.

https://web.archive.org/web/20100114203341/http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com:80/tag/dallas-cowboys

WCS

If you tool around long enough there, 5Chan’s going to notice…

jjfozz

My father was really into making sure you dressed right everywhere you went. For him, it wasn’t vanity, it was just what you did. You looked respectable.

I hate getting dressed up. So when I was about 13, we were going out as a family, and I absolutely turned into an asshole, making a huge commotion and refusing to wear nice clothes. So, my mother cried in the car.

My dad was an imposing figure, and grew up in a tough neighborhood, but rarely smacked us.

So we get out of the car, he pulls me real, real close to him and says in a low and threatening voice, “You’re a real motherfucker, you know that? If your mother wasn’t here I’d beat your ass. In fact, I might beat your ass later.”

I rarely complained about getting dressed up after that. Because he fucking scared 10 years off of my life.

SonOfSpam

Hooray, I beat Balls!

(to be clear, this is about fantasy football; I am not Adrian Peterson)

Mr. Ayo

So you came from behind, just like he likes it?

jjfozz

If I put on more weight, will that give me more space to shove my feelings into?

Unsurprised

Yes. I can confirm that it will.

Doktor Zymm

F=ma, Feelings = mass*alcohol

jjfozz

Well, you are a super smart person, so I will follow this formula. And maybe have it tattooed on my forehead.

Bogdanski

Kinetic energy = 1/2 m*v^2. Assuming v^2 = vino veritas

SonOfSpam

You will also survive hurricanes better. Science.

LemonJello

Well, he’ll be more resistant to winds, but what about storm surge? Or is the added weight also added buoyancy?

Doktor Zymm

As long as the weight is fat rather than muscle, yeah, and it’ll also help retain body heat in the water possibly

Gatoraids

Feedings, feelings close enough

Unsurprised

[Belichick] hates the Jets! He hates the Jets!

I’m hearing this for the first time.

Unsurprised

How do these two dickheads have one of the most popular podcasts? They suck. They have no chemistry. They are the worst fictional brothers.

I’m trying to say that Jason Bateman and Will Arnett shouldn’t be on the Manningcast, you see.

Doktor Zymm

Belichick is far preferable, which is weird to say and think

Doktor Zymm

If you’re gonna get called for it, might as well actually crush him

Mr. Ayo

BLEEEERGH!!!

Brocky

You’ll never guess who my kicker was in fantasy this week

Mr. Ayo

Nailed It!

— B. Walsh

WCS

That’s never happened to Buffalo before.

Unsurprised

Neither has summer, I imagine.