Holy cats, there was SO MUCH FITBAW.  At least it felt that way to my poor, leaky brain.  Like the Greatest Living American reminded us, after today we’ve gone halfway through the regular season.  Anticipatory depression can go ahead and start blueprints, at least.  The banner pic is because all I want for Christmas is American democracy preserved (at least ish).

I was reminded how muy dificil it is to watch one’s team play on one screen, with an 8-game RedZone window on the main TV.  Fortunately, Lamar! and el Tractorico MOAR or less bludgeoned us from the jump.  24-10 at the half, and Donks would produce no WOO! whatsoever in the second.  Ratbirds’ defense was firmly committed to preventing any garbage time scoring, and succeeded.  41-10 is the not-in-any-way-unexpected final.

This was good news for the supporter-less Clippers, who beat #ThePauls into their own turf.  At 6-3, Lesser Harbs has his crew in 2nd place in the AFC West, looking likely for a wild card.  Suffice to say, the Rapey Jameis boomlet is kaput.  3 pickerceptions, and only the one, late, purely garbage time TD.  27-10, and it seemed like a blowout the entire way.  Cleveland cannot have nice things, and they know why.

My spelling (pre-corrections) has been especially atrocious today.  Could it be a Kubiak?  Let’s see if I can finish (PHRASING)!

One last blowout – after a stuttering start, Joe Burrow picked the last feathers and flesh off the Raiders’ bones, 41-24.  Lack of Tee Higgins made no difference today, and Redshirt’s homeys have made it back to an almost-respectable 4-5.  Vegas remains a shitshow, which everyone expected.  Can you believe they REALLY won in Baltimore?

Poor, stupid (but game) Drake Maye.  He made a miracle scramble drill, 5-yard Hail Mary TD toss on the very last play in regulation.  They kcik it for 17-all, but DonT’s reasonable-enough Tits managed a 7 and a half minute FG drive after winning the OT toss.  Pressed into hurry-up mode, Maye then forced a deep ball into double coverage, for the game ending pickerception.  Who y’all reckon Mike Vrabel was rooting for?

Stop the presses, the Black Panthers AND Wee Bryce can has win?  No way, but YES WAY.  Young even had to step up and lead the winning TD drive, and didn’t suck out loud in doing so.  They miss the two, but turn N’Awlins over on downs before they could get in FG range.  23-22, and the Saints have lost 7 on the spin.  Not great, Bob!  Game is most memorable for a brutal kill shot to Chris Olave’s noggin.  Seriously, I audibly yelped at the replay.  Fortunately, he is able to leave the hospital and fly home with the team.

Break up the…7-2 Commies?  Who says they can’t operate with merciless, capitalist efficiency??  Sure, it was just the Vertically Enhanced Persons, but still a road game in the division – coming off a sugar high of last week’s Hail Mary madness.  And they handled their shit, ending in victory formation from the Joisey 1 yard line.  27-22, we have a clear favoUrite in the NFC East.

Slinking off into obscurity and Jerral rage, on the other hand?  Dallas’ Non-Gendered Cowpersons.  Sherman’s Ashes didn’t even operate with their usual offensive efficiency.  But their defense slapped Dallas around, eventually chasing Dak! with a boo-boo.  Cooper Rush did his usual pants-shitting, until a garbage time octopus made the final a deceivingly-close 27-21 scoreline.  I didn’t need Drake London’s hips to lie, but they so done.  Fucking fantasy, y’all.

Hilariously, they left Zeke a healthy scratch for repeatedly skipping team meetings.  Like he’s still some kind of goddamned star, deserving of diva treatment.  And why the monkeyfuck not just CUT the prick?  He’s maybe the worst back in the League now, FFS.  But that’s just Cap’n BlueBunny’s world.

Miami went up to Buffalo and have the Mafia all they could handle.  Brokeback had one of those games where the truly transcendent quartered backs overcome others’ mistakes and drag their side to victory.  It came down to having the ball last, even when dropsies meant they had to risk a 61-yard FG attempt with 10 seconds left (ie, Miami would have time for a Hail Mary had Bass-o-matic missed – and he already missed one EXTRA POINT, while doinking through another).  But naturally, he absolutely drilled the winner, straight down the gooch.  30-27, and Miami’s season is over.  Excellent win for BUF.

Fuck shit, do I EVAR need a nap.

Motown Philly back again?  They’s wearing the “kelly green” kit, at least.  And they’re playing the Jaguras, which is always nice.  Boy howdy, did the roof ever cave in on poor Prison Girlfriend.  DUUUVAL lucky to only be down 16-nil at HT.  JAX was offside on an extra point, so Sirianni unsuccessfully tried bro’ing it in FOAR 2.  Do you even LIFT, bruh??  Not that it would really matter, but it amused me.  Wasted a good seven minutes in the process.  The Iggles would fuck up TWO MOAR 2-pointers, and a 4th and inches.  The raw, bro-DERP allowed JAX to climb back in it, but they never got closer than the final, 28-23.  MUCH itchier than it needed to be, though.

What fun!  A pop-up hailstorm – with roof open – in Arizona.  The locals seemed quite confused (until the roof shit, which took 10 minutes per broadcasters), and it SEEMS like Bearistocrats! weather.  But no, the Qards hail-stormed down the field, mostly on the ground – to take a 14-6 lead.  Said lead extended to 21-9 at the break, because the Hail Mary hangover is real.  Is this finally Birdcano’s year, Mike Bidwill’s sexuality aside?  Add a Q4 placement and BLEERGH-induced safety dance, and you get 29-9.

Shout out to DFO’s mini-Boots and Lady Boots on teh Ground! crew in Seattle, tossing fish at the representatives of RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!  It rained there, too.  Just, you know.  Less surprisingly so.  Wasn’t exactly raining points, though.  That’s ok, defensing is KEWL.  Scratch that – until McVay and crew fell plum apart in the last minute of play, somehow surrendering TWO Geno Smith touchdown passes.  13-3 SeaTruthers at the half, and Pookie ejected for punching.  Punching someone wearing a goddamned helmet.  But maybe that was the only minute of competence alloted to Seattle?  Because after clawing back to 13-all, SEA drove inside the LA 10…before Geno made an “ill-advised even FOAR Geno” pass that got scooted back for a 103-yard INT return score.  More DERP followed, on both sides, before the last minute AGAIN, when LA imploded AGAIN.  So, you get a 20-20 tie, sad that both squadrons can’t lose.  Or at least STAY as a Most GlorioUs Draw.

But we suffer through a spot of ExtraTime, it looks like SEA will roll down the field and win.  But they fail on 3rd and 4th and inches inside the 20, then The Gospel According to Fatthew hits one of his rando 4th string WRs on a deep shot to win the game.  26-20, visitors prevail.  And there was much rejoicing.

Finally, the titanic clash for temporary NFC North supremacy.  Jordan Love gimped out there despite his hurt weiner, but he probably shouldn’t have.  The pitch was wet, and he couldn’t really maneuver in the pocket.  I get that it’s a yuuuuuggggge divisional game, but FFS you have a bye in Week 10.  Think long term, y’all.  Said immobility leads to a pick six to make it 17-3 at the half.  Not a great situation against the Dan Campbell FUCK LIONS.  It got worse before it got better, and then it didn’t get any better at all.  24-6, before a late garbage time consolation prize.  And they needed BLEERGH assistance even to get that.  24-14, Detroit.

(Well, not FINAL final, since we still Humps at SKOL! on SNF.  I am expecting Mr. ELITE to lead Indy to a respectable 10-11 point loss.  Let’s see how my prediction holds up in the clear light of morning.  I’mma go to bed.)