PREDICTION: Officially, 9-8, Rodgers retires, everyone is shown the door, back to square zero.

REALITY: Oh, it’s worse. I go back to the actual prediction paragraph:

This team could go any number of potentially hilarious ways. So… which one would be the cruelest and therefore most comedic? Things like, a GAMBLOR sniff of whether Aaron Rodgers will play more or fewer snaps than last year. Which, you’d think might be tricky to top four, but remember, it’s the Jets. Anything is possible aside from mundane basic logic. Does Sauce Gardner get suspended for accidentally saying something anti-Semitic? TOTALLY POSSIBLE. Have a 17-point lead in the Super Bowl, then rocks fall, everyone dies? Sure! 3-14? Yes, considering it won’t result in the first pick, because we all know the Panthers are going to be Carolina Reaper shit.

Here’s your comedy. Get Aaron Rodgers back, and have the offense be as bad or worse than with Zach Wilson. Start 2-1, then lose 5 straight. Include being pants in London with Rodgers getting picked off thrice and start getting people shown the door. Robert Salah? Gone. Suck a little more, so Joe Douglas? Gone.

The defense has gotten worse, where they can’t tackle. Or maybe won’t tackle, though with the aforementioned Sauce Gardner it’s more the can’t, but he’s also not winning a one-on-one open field tackle against a running back or tight end, and the fact that he has to do that is probably not great, where the one-on-ones he’s showing the most fight is on Instagram. But yeah, the corners were good but the defense has fallen apart now, probably due to back injuries from trying to carry the offense after the last eternity, as seen by giving up 37 to the Steelers and 31 to the Qards.

In conclusion, it’s a comedy that rival’s last night exhibition diceball where the bullpen just couldn’t get an advantage roll… or if they did it would leave the yard. Hence Brooklyn giving up 23 for the second time in 5 games. (Again, get these rolls out in the preseason, I hope…)

Revised Prediction: 4-13. Beat the Jags coming up which will do enough to dent the tank for whatever this team needs, who even fucking knows. Nobody does less with more like the Jets. Rodgers COMES BACK, which ends up being worse.

Fuck off to Britain, Woody. And/or sell the team.

What’s on tonight?

Hawk Key
Still Dead Ovi vs. Legally Not BOLTMAN (stomps in the distance) (WSH vs. TB, 7:30, TNT)
Sword Bonk vs. Yeti (VGK vs. COL, 10:00, TNT)

Not the NBA Cup, so not even the illusion of caring
Josh Hart’s Cheesy Names vs. Kyrie’s Konspiracy Farm (NYK vs. DAL, 7:30, ESPN)
New Young Core vs. Old Young Core that’s been pared away (OKC vs. GS, 10:00, ESPN)

JV Basket
Tech Week vs. “Heh, Cocks” (Virginia Tech vs. South Carolina, in progress, FS1)
The funnest servant from Fate Zero vs. Village of Chevies (Rider vs. Villanova, 7:00, FS2)
Pirates of the Jersey vs. Troy Boyz (Seton Hall vs. USC, 7:00, TruTV)
“Who are we? The Wildcats! Who’re we gonna beat? The Wildcats!” (Davidson vs. Arizona, 7:30, ESPN2)
Meecheegan vs. Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters (Michigan vs. Xavier, 8:30, FS1)
Spyro’s Birth World vs. Mark’s Et. (Stonehill vs. Marquette, 9:00, FS2)
Death for All vs. Wazoo (SMU vs. Washington State, 9:30, ESPN2)
Sparty and Pals vs. Blue Ram (Michigan State vs. UNC, 9:30, ESPN2)
Medieval Times vs. ROLL… (Rutgers vs. Alabama, 10:00, TBS)

All right, enjoy your pre-family solitude.