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Saturday De-motivational #1

King Hippo

/

,

Maybe I will keep doing this once the games stop, and I need something to write about.Β  Take it away, Onion scientists!

Yeah, no arguing with the data.Β  At least we have some mild distractions:

Iowa State (+2) v. Arizona State – Big Twalve Championship, JerralWorld (Noon, ABC)

New blood, indeed.Β  Shit, Cornpone State hasn’t won a conference titleΒ since beforeΒ WWI.Β  When they were 2-0 in the Missouri Valley Conference or some such shit.Β  Sparky was a complete joke program, wrecked by Herm Edwards and pals.Β  Hired some 20-year old grad assistant and BOOM, conference title game almost immediately.Β  THIS is why the NIL/portal era is so great, it disperses talent and allows for true, pure chaos.Β  I’m rooting for Cornpone, they are culturally similar to my Wolven Sort (except that they actually try to win).

Ohio (+1.5) v. Miami-OH – MAC Championship, Fuck LioUns Palace (Noon, ESPN)

Your remote will enjoy being useful, at least for a bit.Β  Imagine the dozens of hobos wandering about the Silverdome for this shit.

Georgia (+2.5) v. Steerfuckers South – SEC PAAAAWWWWLLLLL Championship, Megatron’s Butthole (4:00, ABC)

Them Dawgs done wrecked Texas’ shit earlier this season.Β  IN AUSTIN.Β  Yet, UT is favoured.Β  I don’t get it.Β  Then again, having watched Carson Beck creepily and shittily impersonate a quartered back for most of the back half of the season?Β  IΒ totally get it.Β  Just one of the inherent contradictions swirling through human existence.

I guess I will be back to preview the three night games later.Β  Curb your enthusiasm.

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Mr. Ayo

Arch Time?

0
Mr. Ayo

Hmm, there doesn’t appear to be a delete option here.

0
King Hippo

Programming note – I didn’t forget the night thread, but it don’t go live until 7:30 EST.

0
Redshirt

Cartman comeon!

1
yeah right

Duly noted.

0
litre_cola

When I go to the Latin market I am aware that the Birria gives me the worst heartburn and indigestion. Do I order it every single time and suffer? You are damn straight I am bloated as hell right now.

5
King Hippo

#MeToo, when I add chirizo to my DELIGHTFULLY CHEESELESS pizza (which I did at HT)

1
scotchnaut

There’s a very small pizza chain in my environs that has the very best hot sauce I’ve ever tasted. Does it give me horrible heartburn in the middle of the night 80% of the time? Yes. Do I take that chance every time we order pizza? Oh goddamn yes!

2
yeah right

Got up at the crack of 11:30 this morning and showered then went straight to the kitchen for 3 hours.

Dinner will be ready in about 10 minutes.

Why some wealthy millionaire hasn’t made me their scullery wench I have no fucking idea.

1
Redshirt

I follow the directions, I don’t mind cooking and I have low self-esteem. How I haven’t been betrothed I have no idea.

2
yeah right

Hell, I was betrothed.

Did 10 years of hard time.

But I did get my 2 wonderful daughters out of it so I’ve got that.

1
SonOfSpam

lol backup QB comes in, all the sudden the Georgia WRs can catch the ball.

Nothing says “We hate Carson Beck” than this newfound cromulence.

3
Redshirt

WR Coach telling them the Backup is now playing (Artistic Interpretation):

Ned Flanders is in trouble!?

1
King Hippo

Not saying it’s because Beck looks like a $5 whore, but also not NOT saying that.

1
SonOfSpam

“looks like”

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Dr. Pepper delivering with the halftime contest eye candy:

comment image

4
BC Dick

There’s something in those eyes that will be a lot of work.

4
King Hippo

oh, she might set a few things on fire. But WORTH IT.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s not like you were ever going to *wear* those 1st edition Air Jordans, they just sit there taking up space on a shelf.

1
SonOfSpam

LA GALAXY ARE MLS CHAMPS!!!

After the Dodgers a few weeks ago, this even bigger championship cements Southern California as the center of the sports universe. The Chargers imminent Super Bowl win will complete the trifecta!

2
Senor Weaselo

And the MetroStars still get nothing!

/Yes I know they’re the Red Bulls now

0
Redshirt

Wescott Eberts
@SBN_Wescott
Georgia QB Carson Beck will not play in the second half.

“Expand the playoffs to 12 teams,” they said. “It’ll be fun!” they said.

1
litre_cola

Kind of want the backup qb to win now.

0
Redshirt

Ah, the Cardale Jones Experience.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Get the Dr. Pepper kid to replace him!

0
Redshirt

They should make the Dr. Pepper Winner be the all-time QB for both teams for one quarter. You cannot convince me that would be a bad idea!

3
litre_cola

You should have to throw the football properly to win the Dr Pepper money. No two hand, or limp sideway toss.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nuts to that. I much prefer the pit-fighting style that WINNERS employ.

1
Redshirt

…or bring the slow-moving balls they use in the Madden tutorials.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nice technique by the Dr. Pepper contest winner.

0
yeah right

Contrasting opinions!

0
Mr. Ayo

I was busy enjoying the form of the contest announcer.

comment image

3
King Hippo

yeah she deffo seems nice

0
litre_cola

I disagree. That looked like Old Man Manning when he had no arm, or Tebow when he did. That was garbage

0
Horatio Cornblower

Tim Allen has another sit-com? Will this one be the one to have the guts to make jokes about Tim being a lousy snitch?

comment image

2
SonOfSpam

He sucks so much.

2
Mr. Ayo

*Buddy Signal Activated*

2
scotchnaut

Police booking photo with bonus Harry Reems stache!

0
BC Dick

I got all my Christmas/Hannukah purchasing done in an hour and a half this morning. Went downtown Kelowna and hit the best local (new) book store, home store, weed store, and liquor store.
Got myself a treat at the last one, met a friend at the my favourite pub and I’m on a wild accomplishment/whisky high today.
You’re all fine and lovely folks, except the ones who aren’t. Kisses and hugs.

4
litre_cola

Am I getting a box of Big Turks again?

2
SonOfSpam

Maybe there’s a special holiday edition BIGGER Turk?

2
Doktor Zymm

It’s called the Giant Ottoman but you can’t find them anywhere, JD Vance bought the lot

4
BC Dick

Well yeah, they tried that once but kinder swamped the market with surprises.

0
BC Dick

You were going to get that before the postal issue. I had a date with the expired chocolate stand at the dollar store by my IGA.
Pay those posties, you management scum. Worthless, ratβ€”hearted filth, from the top of the slurry tank to the bottom. That’s what I say to those lead-brained troglodytes in Canada post management.
So you’ll get a gift card instead.

3
Redshirt

Well, that last play went Sideways Plaid.

0
King Hippo

Free play, but lots of time ran off.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That Georgia receiver who keeps jumping unnecessarily (and then dropping the ball) reminds me a lot of Darius Heyward-Bey

1
King Hippo

Send HI I’M MARK DAVIS a note!!

1
King Hippo

Does one wonder whether the coaches make a “non-aggression” pact before a low-stakes conference title game like this?

0
King Hippo

Trying very hard not to go get Chick-fil-a. Not a political statement, I just want to be “within the bounds of reason” fat for my 20 Dec physical.

0
SonOfSpam

Can’t you Grubhub something from Waffle House? They have chicken I think, same thing healthwise.

0
litre_cola

Yeah but you go to Waffle House for the ambiance with your chicken fried heart attack.

2
Doktor Zymm

Yeah, getting takeout or delivery from Waffle House is just….why? You may as well get delivery from Chuck E. Cheese

3
SonOfSpam

Ooh, that sounds wonderful.

0
Horatio Cornblower

I thought you went to Waffle House to watch the late night fights?

1
Doktor Zymm

What do you think ‘ambiance’ means?

3
Horatio Cornblower

Touche’

Perhaps literally, if the fights veer into a duel between gentlemen who feel there honor has been questioned.

1
yeah right

Honor?

Sir, you’re at the Waffle House!

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[whispers] he doesn’t know what it means

1
Mr. Ayo

Do it! They’re not open tomorrow.

0
King Hippo

There’s one 2 minutes from the doctor’s office, and it will be open then. I’ll even have the fountain Coke!

1
blaxabbath

RFK says you are a beacon of health.

1
yeah right

I haven’t eaten at a Chick FILE-A in about 20 years for political reasons.

Ask me how many times I’ve been in a Walmart.

0
Mr. Ayo

How many times have you been in a Walmart?

0
yeah right

NEVER!

1
King Hippo

Dawgie #7 ain’t having the best of afternoons.

0
SonOfSpam

Weird how all you supposed soccer fans aren’t talking about the biggest game, or “match” of the year. The LA Galaxy currently have a 2-1 lead over the NY Red Bulls at the half. Winner will be ranked #1 club in the world over pretender Real Madrid.

2
scotchnaut

[edibles have kicked in]

-SoS’s current status

1
Mr. Ayo

Those chuckle fucks are still “playing?”

0
SonOfSpam

Yes, when teams do well in the regular season, they get to participate in what’s called “playoffs” and I hope one day Mariners fans get to experience that.

7
Mr. Ayo

Hey, 2022 happened!

https://champsorchumps.us/team/mlb/seattle-mariners/2022#playoffs

1
SonOfSpam

Sorry, every year seems like a century these days.

3
King Hippo

No shit! Quite vexing. VEXING, I says.

2
Mr. Ayo

Fun fact! I was releasing the kraken when they clinched on this at bat and dropped and broke my new phone. Sweet memories.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTGoZLPstJw

Last edited 1 year ago by Mr. Ayo
1
SonOfSpam

The Big Dumper!

1
Horatio Cornblower

Don’t you root for the Angels?

2
blaxabbath

The B12 should be removed as a Power 5 Conference before Clemson even plays.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The REAL B-12:

comment image

3
Doktor Zymm

B12 is an essential vitamin!

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The NFL fined #Steelers WR George Pickens $20,462 for two unsportsmanlike conduct violations β€” including his finger gun towards the stands after a 46-yard catch last week.

Emphasis added. HRTN version of Balls has been put on notice.

3
King Hippo

How is there no safety help deep on THIRD AND 17??

0
King Hippo

Dawgs pass D looks a bit shit, PAAAAAWWWWLLLLL

0
Redshirt

So I’m in a position where I favor any scenario that ends up with Ryan Day trapped in a barrel and thrown into the Olentangy River so he may never curse Ohio State with his presence again or a termination, whichever is easier. Day underachieving to one playoff win would surely save his job, however not making the Playoffs could get the boosters pissed off enough to cover part or most of the $37 million buyout and show him the door.

Does this extraordinary situation permit for rooting for Paedo State or is that still verboten?

1
Mr. Ayo

Verboten. Also Day just needs one (1) win over that team up north to be totally redeemed next season.

2
Redshirt

Ugh, FINE!

(mumbles while kicking rocks)

Stupid vulnerable kids.

3
King Hippo

SEXY and vulnerable! – Jerry S., State College, PA

3
litre_cola

Bahahaha, well played Sir Hippo.

0
scotchnaut

You hate Day, (like all the other haters) that’s clear. Who’s your realistic hire that’s going to make everything sunshine and lollipops all of a sudden though?

0
Redshirt

Someone who doesn’t try to be the smartest person on the field or at least thinks of the Michigan game as something more than “the Regular Season finale”.

1
scotchnaut

Excellent non-answer answer.

1
Redshirt

Let’s just agree to disagree.

0
King Hippo

Look at y’all two, acting like ADULTS!

0
SonOfSpam

One’s a Senators fan, one’s a Bengals fan. Neither would have a clue how to win a fight.

4
Redshirt

…win?

2
scotchnaut

Redshirt, my buddy. If we’re going to agree to disagree but then agree afterwards you should downvote SOS’s comment. Agreed?

1
Redshirt

Technically, we’re agreeing to disagree. So, logically I must upvote.

1
scotchnaut

You were never my buddy.

0
Redshirt

He started it!

0
blaxabbath

And what will the buyout be for be this hulk of a man?

0
Redshirt

Thirty-seven million dollars.

1
blaxabbath

Pardon me –.

After making a $37mil buyout to Day, how much will the next coach’s contract require as a buy-out?

0
Horatio Cornblower

$38 million.

0
King Hippo

Kirby Smart does seem like an insufferable prick, even by FITBAW coach standards

0
Redshirt

College Football coach standards too!

1
rockingdog

Kirby smart

What if Alec Baldwin was southern!?

0
Mr. Ayo

SUDDEN CHANGE!!

0
Redshirt

So, I cannot surprise my mom with a Samsung Galaxy Phone for Christmas because she has to be there to physically be at the store to add it to the plan. Now I can be surprisingly good at misdirection and Yuletide subterfuge, but even I have my limits!

1
King Hippo

Don’t really know WHY I hate Steerfuckers South so much, but by gum, I sure does.

0
Unsurprised

Because they are steerfuckers.

1
King Hippo

That really should be enough, es verdad

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Trickster god DOINK seems to be present in full force at the SEC Championship.

0
King Hippo

Dear Bastard Man (if around) – would you like to do another F1 thread next Saturday, since there ain’t no FITBAW (other than Army/Navy)? The peoples liked your last one quite a bit and I would be happy for the break.

0
Mr. Ayo

F1 is over tomorrow, but that means RECAP SEASON!

So, sure, take your well deserved break.

4
King Hippo

You’s alright folk for a Bastard Man!

4
litre_cola

Mighty Whitey v Redshite next Sabado!

0
King Hippo

Everyone laying down for the RS to win title = Hippo takes the season off.

0
litre_cola

Silva’s Mighty Whitey ain’t lay down for no one.

0
litre_cola

So, Sparky was picked to finish last, what were the betting odds for them to win the Big 12???? You know Phil Mickelson had that action.

1
King Hippo

Sommet like 200-to-1, I think. You surely could have gotten 80 or 100-1 in GAMBLOR-verse

2
SonOfSpam

No, that woulda been a winning bet. Lefty doesn’t do those.

3
SonOfSpam

Just read a CNN (no really) article about a 16 year old Aussie kid named Gout Gout (no really) who broke Australia’s national 200 meter record with a time of 20.04 seconds. The guy whose record he broke finished 2nd in Mexico City; he’s on the podium with John Carlos and Tommie Smith in the famous “raised fist” photo. My first thought was, damn, I’m glad Elon Twitter wasn’t around to react to that photo.

Anyway, Gout Gout is apparently the next Usain Bolt.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How are his hands? I’d love to persuade the Raiders to blow a late round pick on him as a receiver or kick returner hashtag #GetGout.

0
SonOfSpam

He has better hands than his cousin Arthritis Arthritis.

8
herodotus450

I dont think he’ll be able to get past Iodine Iodine in the Regional Finals though

4
Redshirt

Better than his cousin Match-Fixing Match-Fixing. He never should’ve gotten involved with the wrong crowd.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Chester A’s kid? Yeah, he’s been a huge disappointment.

1
Unsurprised

I have to stop reading the news and even the Twitter accounts I read. The world has totally become Bizarro World for me where good is bad and wrong is right.

Anyway, college football! Yay!

0
Unsurprised

The unanimous glee on Bluesky for the annulment of Romania’s election based on zero actual or proximate cause between TikToks and the outcome cemented my disdain for that particular shithole and its user base.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s what I did the instant America was like “fuck it, darkest timeline please”, and I’m much happier for it.

0
King Hippo

I try very hard to do that. Problem is that it leaves me alone with my Very Dark Thoughts, and I can only stands so much of that.

But I keep the teevee off, don’t do social media, and am careful with my selected information filters (Josh Marshall, Bulwark, The Downballot crew).

1
blaxabbath

Yeah man. Leave all social media.

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I try to limit my doom scrolling to a few minutes a day

0
Mr. Ayo

ASSAULT!

0
scotchnaut

Cam Sk8er Boi from ASU is having himself a game!

4
SonOfSpam

He’s one of those guys (TJ Watt, Brock Bowers) that announcers go apeshit over because he’s white, and then I have to admit, damn, he’s actually really good too.

1
SonOfSpam

Also, is “Cam Sk8er Boi” a Scotchy original? Because it’s excellent.

1
King Hippo

His mom (stepmom? She looks 35) is the classic “Arizona Trash Bag” as learned to Hippo by The Good Place.

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Did he say see you l8er boi?

1
King Hippo

You KNOW Gus Johnson would make that call…

0
2Pack

I’m old, and the resent thing of letting two players wear the same number messes with me.

And I think ASU has this one in the bag.

2
King Hippo

Yep. Friday night, 3 games = 3 bags of shit. Saturday early, 2 games = 2 bags of shit.

Rather than “duplicate numbers” they should just start allowing irrationals.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s a shame they will get bumped from the college football playoff to make room for a four-loss SEC team.

1
2Pack

If they win, most likely now, as conference champs they get in, right? From the tournament chart they showed earlier, under the new 12 team format they would be playing.

0
litre_cola

Oh they in. Will prob be #12 and get Paedo State in unhappy valley

2
King Hippo

Top 5 conference champs get in, so Sparky is 100% in the field. Suppose there is small chance they get 11 seed over Alabama, but unlikely (ie, Bama 11, ASU 12).

If Clemson beats SMU, Clemson will be 12, Boise 3, ASU 4,

1
litre_cola

So I have to root for Dabo? Ewwwww

1
King Hippo

NO! Bad Litre!!

(I am also not quite certain that ASU gets the nod over Clemson for the bye)

Sparky will be everyone’s hero if they get the 12 and knock out ND or the Paedos in the first round.

1
litre_cola

I like chaos.

1
scotchnaut

Frank Kush must be looking up from hell and smiling right now.

3
scotchnaut

I knew I’d get at least one like.

0
Don T

The ubiquity of Family Guy memes might drive me away from twitter. That’s my hill.

1
scotchnaut

Your “Hank Hill”, I’ll tell you what.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Don T (artist’s conception):

comment image

4
King Hippo

Brita Perry is an all-time great character/actress performance

2
Gatoraids

Dr Pepper’s Throw Footballs at the CEO Head Challenge called off

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So, uh, I guess there’s some stuff happening in Syria?

0
herodotus450

Syriaously?

3
blaxabbath

Whatever. There’s always something happening somewhere.

Unless Assad wants to drop those chemicals on Jerry World…

1
litre_cola

No Forks Up Blax?

0
blaxabbath

ASU sucks.

-1
scotchnaut

Not on the field today.

2
litre_cola

With that kind of attitude you get a minus!

0
King Hippo

have a good link? TPM and Bulwark are quiet on weekends

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, just looking at headlines. Assad’s people are currently claiming that he hasn’t fled, so…he’s probably elsewhere by now.

1
King Hippo

Somebody best check in on Tulsi, make sure she ok smgdh

0
Unsurprised

I want her to be DNI so badly. I want to know if we actually became allies with Al Qaeda, our current allies toppling Assad, before or after bin Laden was assassinated. She would be the one to tell us.

-2
Don T

I read summin about assad leaving Syria a coupla days ago and holed up in Iran setting a guvermint in exiles. Which might bring more stability* to Syria.
* warrin’

0
2Pack

That ASU has some nice looking cheerleaders…

4
King Hippo

ISU, too. It’s a very sexy matchup on the sidelines.

1
yeah right

Back when the Qardinals played at Sun Devil Stadium it was a blast to see an NFL game there.

Saw two Vikings games there.

Some of the surrounding bars are happening on game day.

2
litre_cola

Tempe is such a good time.

1
King Hippo

Chaos League Championship is killer so far. And of course, chaotic.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hellllooooo Heisman!

Wait, did I say Heisman? I meant hangover.

3
litre_cola

Same here. Said I wouldn’t drink for a bit but a friend showed up last night with a bunch of wine

2
King Hippo

Don’t blame me. I voted Rikki’s Hangover for Heisman!

5
Horatio Cornblower

The hangover I thought I woke up with is actually turning out to be the beginning go a head cold.

I would rather the hangover.

1
King Hippo

Hold my beer! – Saturday afternoon

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, that happens when you don’t drink enough to kill all the viruses.

0
Mr. Ayo

Sounds like a good old fashioned race is starting. To the freezer vodka!

1
yeah right

Man there is some nasty shit going around right now. Had mine back in November.

0
Senor Weaselo

Bossa nova version of Sittin’ On the Dock of the Bay at the coffee shop by where Senorita Weaselo and I teach (different days)? Does Otis Redding’s ghost know?

1
Don T

Morelikely to take a ghost beatin’ than a cruzeiro in royalties.

0
2Pack

McAfee is the kind of guy you’d like to see chased down by a psycho with a harpoon.

7
King Hippo

problem is…he likely is the psycho with the harpoon

7
Redshirt

He’s not the psycho with the harpoon; he’s the one you send to kill the fucking psycho with the harpoon!

1
Redshirt

McAfee is only good in small doses. There’s a fine line between passionate & energetic and annoying & douche-bro

0
2Pack

I must always catch him at his annoying douce-Bro moments.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean if you were forced to have Brocky-fantasy-football style luck in one aspect of your life, you could certainly do worse.

0
2Pack

Why is Laura Rutledge dressed like a leprechaun?

1
2Pack

She could have at least put better effort into it…

53073__81191.1412729229.jpg
2
2Pack

…

dd0.png
1
King Hippo

I wish I knew how to “gift link” this (I am Wolfpack Dem, if anyone else is in this particular rubber room), but JVL is on BlueSky – so I’d highly recommend that any other angry/despairing rationalists at least give him a follow.

https://www.thebulwark.com/p/an-unserious-show-with-jonathan-v-last

He’s keeping me at least on the periphery of sane.

Last edited 1 year ago by King Hippo
0
King Hippo

found a free version:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1RzoRT0cx0

0
King Hippo

Again – we’re just fucked. Completely, without lube, fucked.

1
Don T

God it’s almost 78 down here πŸ₯Ά
comment image

6
King Hippo

19F in Cakalaky, at least my heat is working (so far)

1
scotchnaut

Put some snow on that lake of yours and it’s almost like my view right now.

1
blaxabbath

Need some paper towels to wipe that sweat from your brow?

Last edited 1 year ago by blaxabbath
1
Redshirt

Winter this morning, Spring tomorrow.

…what? No Global Warming joke here. This is normal Cincinnati weather.

0
Don T

That video 🀣🀣🀣. The Dr. reminds me of the most excellent Standish from β€œSlow Horses”.

2
Horatio Cornblower

“It’s a water bottle. Not that you’d know what one of those looks like”

1
Don T

So cruel πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜…πŸ€ͺπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

0
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