I don’t want to talk about the Footy today, so let’s talk FITBAW instead.
As we’ve all very quickly learned in 2025/The Darkest Timeline…there is good chaos, and there is bad chaos. GOOD chaos is a Draft year when all of the quartered backs blow monkeys (and everyone knows it in advance). Some will squint, sigh, and stick their peckers in anyway. Some will overpay a bad veteran, and think they are being SMRT. Maybe some find a way to go all-in on Big Tank, in a way that somehow dodges the Ginger Hammer’s watchful eye.
Tennessee Titans (1st overall pick)
I don’t want DonT angry with me, but I think these are gonna squint and stick it in. Miami’s Cam Ward will be the object of their affections. He will…not be good, but maybe adequate-ish.
#ThePauls (2nd overall pick)
The Vertically Enhanced Persons will try trading up, but Wile E. Coyote #ThePauls management is thinking three steps ahead. They can pledge to draft BOTH Sanderses, and hire their pops to run the team starting in 2026. Yes, I really expect this to be what they do. Do remember how drug-addled my brains are.
SCRAMBLE DRILL ENSUES
Vertically Enhanced Persons
With Brian Daboll and a roster of unquestionable shit, these are best positioned to Tank Hardest. And they try, even drafting Quinn Ewers in the 3rd to pre-become Arch’s backup. I originally talked myself into Touch of Downs here, but then talked myself out of it.
Noo Yawk FITBAW Jest
They can’t be Darnold’s Plan B pill, because…ya know. REASONS. Woody runs into Captain Dingleberry at a post-Kristallnacht celebration, and BOOM, he’s the starter. Aaron Glenn questions some of his poor life choices.
N’Awlins Saints
An increasingly desperate shitshow operation offers Minny their 3rd round pick to “tag and trade” Touch of Downs their way. Contract extension discussions fail, hilarity ensues. Do these lot even have a coach yet??
That’s Rikki’s Raiders!!
How many life lessons have Coach Petey and Charmslinger learned since they let their lovers’ tiff spiral out of hand? We’uns about to find out, cause the band is getting back together.
Minnesota Vikings
Quietly re-sign Dimebag to a 5-year, $60M deal to hold clipboards ad infinitum. Balance is briefly restored to the universe.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Calmly watching the chaos all around, Coach Epps re-signs Strawberry Fields to a reasonable extension, and drafts Bama’s Milroe in the 2nd round. Nobody likes redundant systems any better than Tomlin, who goes 12-5 with these “weapons.” Don’t ask me about January, you know what happens in January.
Santa Clara Tomsulas
Baby Shanny drafts Jaxson Dart (Johnny Reb) with a supplemental 4th, instantly breaks off extension talks with Purdy Mouth. Because he CAN, you see.
Arizona Qards
Mike Bidwill asks new security guy what his workout regimen is, invites him to his “private gym” for a “bro session.” Meanwhile, Wee Kyler learns about Footy Manager, and is never seen in public again.
NEW THREAD!
Now with more butt slaps!
This is the way
So Marcus freeman is at the royal rumble event.
Guess his schedule is clear
Cartoon Hippo and “Fuck You America” will never not make me chuckle like the bastard that I am.
He got that thing ah sent him!
What the fuck is up with Kansas State jersey color? That was a psychedelic neon mauve.
pours one out for seamus
tWBS had many bad takes, but this was not one.
ASU sucks. Bobby Hurley is a clown.
I read about that on The Athletic, and was just waiting for you to weigh in.
I was there. It was one of the most enjoyable @ASU games I’ve attended.
I don’t get how you are a fucking professional athlete and you can’t fucking shake hands. Seems like ASU’s guys missed a big opportunity to grow as competitors today.
I’ve always been surprised how Hurley always makes excuses. I used to think it was about being just a good guy who defends his scrappy outcast underdog players. Now I see he really believes his bullshit. Probably just the resultant blind spot of not looking in his blind spot decades earlier.
A wee anecdote about Bobby that I recall reading-
After his freshman year the Duke video team put together a tape of all the times that Bobby wasted his time bitching and whining to the refs and compared it to same in high school. It was shown to Bobby and his legendary dad coach. It shut both of them up right quick.
Now and forever, amén.
So the tariffs are official, let’s see how much the market drops on Monday!
yep, I think China is going to impose 75% tariffs on US goods (what little I have heard and I think that would be a very bad idea), but China probably imports a lot less from us than we import from them, they mainly get food and luxury items which a lot of Chinese will not be available to afford anyway. There needs to be another large deposit of rare earths that can be worthwhile exploiting, while hopefully not fucking the earf up too much.
Good thing I stocked up on cheap Chinese pjs
theres other sources just the cost and time to setup processing them is sorta long, not as bad as catching up to semiconduktor manufactoring but not before things get expensiver
China imports almost nothing from us.
Soy, that’s why Trump 1.0 had to do a payout to US farmers during the first trade war he started. Or maybe I should call it a trade skirmish, since this is gonna dwarf it. So fucking stupid to tariff Mexico and Canada
Trump threw out NAFTA and made a new deal that he now doesn’t like. There’s also ways within that deal to resolve the issues but he’s obviously nawt following that path either.
We’re gonna have inflation like you’ve never seem before. It’s will be YUGE
Trying to think of the last time this happened *
*not really, so don’t want that to happen again
Tariffs are teh cure to cancer
Naw, that’s ivermectin
-RFK Jr
“Now you’re ivermecting!”
-RFK Jr, watching a woman lactate
Well, good thing we’re good on tea here!
(That is not a thing, there is no such thing in Senorita Weaselo’s house as too much tea.)
Gentlemen
“Greatest Snow On Earth” my ass! We had to open the course today. None of us want to be here.
Haha, it’s “snowing” here even though it’s 40º.
Though the my club course had frost delays until noon and temporary greens for the last week. Sucks.
They were getting ready for the Buick when I got to play Torrey Pines so it was temporary greens *and* tees. It’s so lame.
Oof. That’s rough.
It was still really neat to see the course, but the actual playing experience was a huge letdown.
Doktor, you need to get a hold of your people. NOlört!
https://blockclubchicago.org/2025/01/27/non-alcoholic-malort-avondale-restaurant-serving-no-lort-by-the-shot-or-bottle/
Dear god why? Being booze is practically Malort’s only redeeming characteristics
For when you drink it for the taste!
Which means you’re several steps beyond masochism.
Made the arduous trek from bed to hammock via the shower and kitchen.
One of the many, many great things about housedress style pjs, they’re ankle length and have pockets so if I need to go out and run a quick errand I don’t even have to bother with underwear much less pants
Yes! Plus the pockets allow you to carry more snacks and bottles to the hammock.
oh, and to find vapes with active carts that you forgot were there so the universe wants you to take a hit
The only downside is the fuzzy fabris isn’t a great mousing surface so I sometimes have to have my laptop in the hammock with me
tablet case makes a great mouse pad for reclining
I’ve been using a small notebook, works pretty well
The NFL-ever cognizant of the CTE issue-is having a Dodgeball tourney.
/I’d like to point out for posterity’s sake that I finished in the top three in a 60+ kids dodgeball tournament at the Hockey Opportunity Summer Camp in Sundridge, Ontario in the 80’s in two consecutive years.
/probably going on the tombstone*
*/if I outlive the wife**
**/not happening-she’s a baby at 51
I went to Reagan National Airport (still known to locals simply as “National”) to exchange my rental car. The police have all the shoreline access blocked off, as I understand today they’re going to try to lift the CRJ passenger jet out of the water, which has around 20 corpses still inside it.
I didn’t take any photos because there was nothing to see and I was driving.
But I did go downtown and took a bunch of shots of old RFK Stadium, which is about to be torn down. I saw a few big games and concerts here.
https://ibb.co/YBq2QL0D
HFStivals!
Dumping snow outside -20°C and my best friend texts me to meet up with her at a brewery across town. I protested and she told me to quit being a cunt. I guess Deci and I are going.
She’s right you know
So, it’s a nice day there?
Just a 30 degree swing from Thursday. Such is life in the foothills of the rockies.
“a 30 degree swing” is how Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show characterizes his new gender identity
And now, my exchange at the Vietnamese place by where Senorita Weaselo and I work:
Owner (who thanks to a typo like two years ago mispronounces my name but it’s fine, they love me there): “Oh, is that your girlfriend?”
Me: “Yeah, you’ve seen her before, right?”
Owner: “Chinese?”
Me: “Yeah.”
She gives me the thumbs up and says “Brings good fortune.”
Owner: “Is her name Yin?”
Senor: “Nope.”
Owner: “Whoops! I hope you and Yang are very happy!”
Holy shit, this is weird! This is my first time going to DFO in a computer in a LONG time and it feels super weird. I’m used to doing this on the phone…
I am the opposite.
Same. I will occasionally use the tablet (if in bed reading, etc) but far prefer laptop. Phone is only in exigent circumstances.
You write posts on your phone? I’m fine with it for commenting but nae more
Yup, I write pretty much all my posts on the phone.
I’ll give you my commenting, content-making laptop when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.*
*coming within the next five years, according to the wife if I don’t get that specialist appointment right quick
pffftttt, tell her you are easing The Canadia’s health access crisis by declining to do so
Most random thing your pet is afraid of?
I’ll go first. Molly hates…ice cube trays. If you want to shoo her away from the kitchen, just reach in the freezer.
Thumping sounds that she interprets as someone knocking on the door. Which is kind of weird because we’ve never had that kind of door; it must have been something she was exposed to with her original owners.
Some horses are afraid of their own farts. It’s the cutest most hilarious thing
Men can relate.
Two weeks ago I was terrified of my own farts.
One gets past 50, a WHOLE ‘NOTHER level of disgusting emerges…
Sometimes I worry that I will gassily suffocate my wife and myself one night.
I slept in until almost 10 and haven’t gotten out of bed except to grab a red bull. This is the upside to riding being canceled. Still don’t know about tomorrow though
RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
doktor zymm embraces cancel culture smh
THAT’S GOOD LAZYNESS HUSTLE!
I’m contemplating taking a nap soon
Do it!!!
fuck me sideways, I am just waiting for the washer cycle to end. And I went to bed at like 6:30 last night.
Folks! Drunk by 10am achievement unlocked!
Now, the next goal is much loftier. Stay awake and alert and drunk for the entire 12 hours of Bathurst! Coverages starts at 10:30 (13:30 DFO time), race starts at 11:00 (14:00 DFO time).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNK4Cv77a-Q
Tune in now! It’s 5:30 there (Aussieland), this is a pre-dawn grid and pre-dawn start. All for the buildup of a sunrise while the race is underway!
Amateur hour. The real real test is being drunk for 24 Hours of Le Mans or the Nurburgring!
HOW DARE YOU!
I made it through the 24 hours of Daytona just two weeks ago!
But were you drunk the whole time?
I don’t remember. So probably.
Or a performance of Wagner’s entire Ring Cycle
I was watching this a couple of days ago; Portuguese racing spectators are NUTS.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AntTKfRO5po
All rally drivers and spectators are nuts. Best racers in the world.
The documentary “Rallying: The Killer Years” is damn good
Race is on! Sunrise is happening now! Tune in!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_HoMkkRHv8
Unfortunately, I hate auto racing as much you hate…non-bastardry? Life would be much easier in The South if’n I did at least tolerate it.
Oh hey there! Hear about the new FDA decision?
https://www.fda.gov/news-events/press-announcements/fda-approves-novel-non-opioid-treatment-moderate-severe-acute-pain
Man, if I have to audible to FOR REELZ heroine, my writings will get 250-300% more unhinged…
Twas beautiful!
what are teh displays on the windshield facing outward for?
Number plates so the marshals can identify the cars when they fuck up.
Tomorrow will be the 11th anniversary of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death. I’m amazed that it’s been more than ten years, it feels more like five or six.
…
Which is why it’s almost the 11th anniversary of my great aunt nearly murdering me at my grandfather’s wake!
The deacon at the wake looked like him. Padre Weaselo pointed this out, repeatedly, during the service, and I was the person in hysterical laughter from how dark the humor was.
I got the DIRTIEST look. Then they realized he was next to me and they knew it was probably something he did.
Probably the best three name actor since Jonathan Taylor-Thomas.
Today seemed to be a gol fest. Hearts put 6 past Dundee FC in Dundee. Wild.
Oof. Clearly the Hearts stayed focused and didn’t let themselves get sucked into a game of knifey-spooney.
Good thing they stopped before 26, I have no idea what happens if you shoot the moon in footy.
Apparently one of the offensive linemen that impressed at this week’s Senior Bowl practices is Willie Lampkin-he measured 5’10”, 290 and has a 6’6″ wingspan. I hope he gets drafted.
He’d have to play center at that size, right?
And they’d still want him to put on weight.
I wonder if he’s related to that Willy Loman fellow I used to buy stuff from.
With that much extra length in his arms he could be really good at yoga, which I would absolutely watch as a competitive sport
If they added it to the Olympics we’d likely see Barbados Slim win that elusive third gold medal.
Fulham!
Yes sir! Another 3 pts on the road!!!
Fine Clubhouse morning!
Goddammit, Bournemouth!!!
You sound surprised.
Not surprised they didn’t beat Liverpool, but I thought they’d tied it up on that rebound off the post.
The past hour must be what happy people feel like all day??
oh my, per The Athletic:
The New Orleans Saints are closing in on their next head coach, with all signs pointing to Philadelphia Eagles offensive coordinator Kellen Moore as the likely choice.
When he inevitably is shitcanned, he’ll have the built-in excuse of having to live in Mickey Loomis’ private bathroom’s janitorial closet due to cost-cutting measures.
Yup, heard that a couple days ago, explains why they’re still waiting
-Touch of downs to Vegas, he’ll enjoy Circus Circus.
https://heavy.com/sports/nfl/las-vegas-raiders/sam-darnold-free-agent-contract-prediction/
Ringmaster: “Watch a QB regress before your very eyes!”
I’m +1’ing this because I think it’s funny, not because I want it to happen.
I’m either up too early or still dreaming.
What in the snickey is happening in Goodison park? And will it lead to more disappointing?
Spurs lost to these AT HOME????
They haven’t been the same since Duncan retired. SoUrry don’t know footy teams
tuff butt FARE
A tip of the coffee to yeah right, litre cola, and hippo and a hearty best of luck to all 3 of their squadoos this window.
This guy looks like such a smarmdouche, but it must be fun to make even sections of a festival crowd move like this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jh1MpBBRutI
opening 10 seconds WOO
Zia. She’s great.
absolute art, good man!!
One more good one.
I’d say that’s quite Dandy!
How is there a mosh pit going on to that song?
Hippo your take on the Qards is simply to the bank Brah…
And this lady is excited. I can tell.
She seems excited to see me.
Russel Wilson a RAAAAAIIII DUUURRRR s? 🤔
Unappealing.
Earth, Wind, & Fire are playing the Fire Aid benefit concert. In another timeline, that would be banner-worthy.
Could be worse. The fires could’ve been in September.
Think you meant Earth, Wind, and TOO SOON, Abed!!
Cousins is staying somewhere in the south- N’awlins maybe?
Cousins usually have a good time in the South so that tracks.
Good 7:30 match for once. Let’s hope it’s good for more than 1-0 with a penalty winner by human CPAP machine, Chris Wood.
Truly, a sequence of words I’ve never seen before.