Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo: Listen, There’s Only So Many “Cabaret” Jokes I Can Make

Yeah, I did not watch that speech. I had work to do (that I procrastinated on) and would consider gnawing each of my fingers off, one by one, before being subjected to that wankery in its entirety.

Anyway, before we get to the news, I’m gonna take a page out of Elmo’s book, and a page out of Senorita Weaselo reminding me that asking her a general question like this is totally fine, rather than getting hyper-specific immediately: How are you?

On my end, I’m… better than last week. Everything seems like it’ll turn out okay, but sometimes you just need time to connect with the people you love and remind them that you’re here for them, no matter what they’re going through. Good food also helps.

In the news, everything sucks. In football news:

–The Bears are trading a 4th rounder for the Chiefs’ 2x All-Pro G Joe Thuney. Interesting, considering the O-line was one of the biggest problems against the Eagles. Well, on the offensive side of the ball. On the defensive side it was just totally getting outfoxed and rolling snake eyes seemingly every single critical time.

Otherwise it’s a fallow time. The New League Year starts on March 12th, so expect some things to happen over the next week as we get closer to that timeframe. Such as:

-Bengals DE Sam Hubbard is retiring at the age of 29.

–Maxx Contact: Maxx Crosby’s getting paaaaaaid. 3 years, $106.5M, 91.5 of that guaranteed. Highest contract for a non-QB.

-Meanwhile, DAK! has restructured his contract so there’ll be some sort of cap relief for the N-GCP.

-On the other hand, DK Country may no longer be Seattle. DK Metcalf wants out and has requested a trade.

So, what’s on tonight?

Hockey
Putin sympathizer trying to overtake Agent Orange sympathizer vs. “Wait, they’re back in the playoffs as of today? Okay, fine.” (WAS vs. NYR, 7:30, TNT)
“How will this game affect the Leafs’ Cup chances?” vs. I LOVE GOOOOOOOOOOLD (TOR vs. VGK, 10:00, TNT)

Roundball
SGA for MVP vs. Nobody beats the Grizz (except the Knicks did win those two, so fuck it) (OKC vs. MEM, 9:30, ESPN)

JV Roundball
Teams battling for high seeds and not in the CFP: Florida vs. Alabama (7:00, ESPN2)
Mark et al vs. Fightin’ Lowratios are still going to make the tourney, relax (Marquette vs. UConn, 8:30, FS1)
Rocky Top, baybee! vs. Gaetz Escapees (Tennessee vs. Ole Miss, 9:00, ESPN2)
Lady JV after dark edition! Lady Tarkanians vs. Brokeback PG (UNLV vs. Wyoming, 10:30, FS1)

Rooting against America, but it’s still okay (CONCACAF Cup)
Herediano (Costa Rica) vs. Super Mario LA Galaxy (8:30, FS2)