Golf Tales Volume 1 – Part 5

“I don’t know how I didn’t think about it earlier! I’m so dumb!”

“No, you’re not.  You’re amazing and super smart and hot and gorgeous and sexy.”

“Keep going.”

“And you have a healthy amount of self-esteem.  You are a genius!”

She really was a genius.  And gorgeous.  The dress she had on showcased every feature.  Her hair was done in the movie-star flowing blonde locks look and her makeup was flawless.  He had to try to match her, so he had taken a shower, reapplied deodorant, gelled his hair, and put on her favourite suit.  If it wasn’t for the fact it wasn’t Awards season, they could have easily sneaked into the Oscars or the Emmys or the AVNs.

“Well, I had to think of something or else he would never leave us alone.  Nice guy and all but I’m getting a little sick and tired of dealing with his ass.”

“He does have that effect.”

“Okay, so we are set?”

“Yes. I think tomorrow I’ll summon him at a Starbucks or something.  We got pretty lucky that the maître-d’ was a dude and we got a waiter instead of a waitress.  I could use a break from the baboso too.”

***

The meal had been terrific and the sex afterwards even better.  Normally they would be too full of food to have any kind of energy to spend on fun times, but they were smart about it.  First, Balls had successfully gotten his boss to approve the vacation day.  Second, they both took a nice nap and took gigantic dumps.  Third, with things “cleaned out”, they took advantage and partook in the activity that Hippo judges WASPily every single day.

At the end, they both sang, “And I didn’t even have to use my AK!” as they drifted off to sleep.

They woke up at the crack of noon.  While Lady Balls got her laptop going to check on her investments, Balls put on some shorts, grabbed the keys, and asked her if she wanted anything.

“Yeah.  I’m running a little low on a few things. Let me write them down for you.”

Balls waited for ten minutes.  Lady Balls handed him an 8 ½ x 11 piece of paper with writing on both sides.  He laughed and looked at the list, “Okay baby, I’ll be back … at some point.”

“Got a problem?”

“No, ma’am!”

“Good.  While you’re taking care of that, I’ll go to the gym and get my workout in.  Then you can evaluate my progress.”

“Sounds good!”, Balls slapped her on the ass goodbye.  He drove in the direction of the Smart n Final.  The Starbucks could wait.

The wonderful thing about Smart n Final is that you can find pretty much everything you need.  Also, the prices are decent and you don’t have to deal with Walmart people.

At the Smart n Final, he methodically walked every aisle, checking off things from Lady Balls’ list.  The cart was full and overflowing by the time he got to the checkout stand area.  There was only one poor cashier working and there were three people ahead of him.  He pulled out his phone to check out Lady Balls’ booty pics and waited patiently.

The cashier got on the intercom and asked for assistance.  A dark-haired lady that looked like she was the manager came out of the back, pointed to Balls, and said, “I’ll take the last customer in line.  Only one.  There’s more help coming.”

One other person walked to an empty aisle and motioned for people in line to go there.  Balls moved over to the checkout aisle to his right.  The manager entered in her information on the machine while Balls started loading stuff onto the conveyor belt.

“You need bags?”

“Yes, please.”

The manager was efficient.  As quickly as Balls was putting stuff onto the belt, she was scanning it and bagging it.  When Balls emptied the cart, he moved forward to where the credit card machine was.  As he was waiting for her to finish, he noticed that she had unbuttoned the top two buttons of her shirt and pushed the girls up.

“Oh Lord.”

“What up, slapdick!”

“I guess this is better than Starbucks.”

“Almost as expensive too. I didn’t know Smart n Final carried lube!”

“Lemme guess, you waited until she signed in and then took over?”

“Duh.  Golden opportunity.  I mean, how hard can scanning be?”

“Do you know how to ring me up?”

“No, I’m thinking the conversation will be done by then.  Anyhoooo, I heard you and Lady Balls discussing the plan and I think that’s a good idea.  I’m just worried that old Saint Petey is going to say no.”

“Can’t you get an audience with him or something to ask?  I mean, I’d hate to put all this effort in and have it all be for nothing.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that. I’ll let you know what he says next time.”

“Cool”

“That’ll be $230.93”

Balls placed his card on the machine while the manager buttoned up her shirt.

***

“Whaddaya say?”

“I’m not too sure you are following the rules here”

“Look, Saint Dick, it’s not my fault your rules have loopholes!  I merely found a way to accomplish an impossible task!”

“More like your friends did.”

“Whatever.  It still works.  Sooooo, yes?”

Saint Peter sighed deep and long.  “Fine.  But you have to do a million.”  Saint Peter figured that would take him a while, so that at the very least, he wouldn’t have to see tWBS for a long time.

“Easy peasy!  See you in a few, numbnuts!”

“You want me to add another million?”

“No sir, sorry sir.” TWBS crossed himself incorrectly several times and walked backwards away from Saint Peter.  He turned around with a big smile and headed back towards Earth.  As he went, he threw up a double bird back behind his shoulders.

“I SAW THAT!  TWO MILLION!”

“Dammit!”

“THREE MILLION”

tWBS decided, for the first time in his existence, that it was best to shut the fuck up.

***

Balls was unloading the car when Lady Balls arrived from the gym.  She was still sweaty but looked amazing.

“How did it go?”

“He appeared at the Smart n Final.  He’s going to pitch it to Saint Peter and let us know.”

“Okay, cool.  Hopefully that means we can finally get rid of his ass and he can stop spying on us.”

“For what it’s worth, he said he doesn’t spy on us.”

“Yeah, you keep thinking that.  I asked you to get extra Clorox and PineSol so the cleaning lady could get rid of the ghost spunk.”

“The what?  Where?  How?”

“My Grandma told me how to spot it.”

“I don’t even want to know.”

“No, you don’t.”

***

The next two weeks were delightful.  TWBS was busy working on his task and had not bothered Balls or Lady Balls at all.  At first, they expected every interaction with a female service worker to result in his appearance but after a few awkward comments, nothing ever came of it.   They even went back to the Chili’s and again the waitress aggressively flirted with Lady Balls with plenty of foul words but no dumb utterances coming out of her mouth.  TWBS was not in her.  She still totally wanted to bang them.

On Saturday morning, Balls had a golf tournament at Los Serranos.  It was on the South Course, which is the longer and more difficult of the two.  He got there early, got himself a breakfast burrito, and warmed up on the range.  He felt good about his chances for scoring well. His playing partner was once more Izzy and he was always a blast to play with.

“You ready for this, cowboy?”

“Why do you call me ‘cowboy’?”

“Cuz you white.  Do you want me to call you Tonto?  I heard that’s an insult in your language.”

Balls shook his head, “Cowboy’s fine.  You ever play this course before?”

“Yeah, it’s fun but challenging.  Gotta be on your game.  You should go get a Bloody so your swing doesn’t take four holes to straighten out!”

“Fuck you.  I’ll be fine.  Maybe later.  Do they have cart girls here?”

“Oh yeah.  Pretty hot ones too!  Plus there’s a Snack Shack!”

Balls didn’t know if it was the breakfast burrito or not but he got a sinking feeling in his stomach.

“Oh, great…”

The Snack Shack is located at the top of the hill behind the 7^th tee. It provides a magnificent view of the eastern San Gabriel Valley as well as a pretty darn good hot dog according to Izzy. The tee shot itself is daunting as it is a 100-foot drop to the center and to the right while the fairway is on top of another hill about halfway down and center left.  It’s also a dogleg right, which teases the player into thinking they can do a power fade.  More often, it results in blind second shots from the bottom of the hill.

Balls went up to the window and waited for someone to show up.  A hot blonde in an open zipper jacket and a very-low-cut top walked toward the window.

“What’ll you have?”

Balls came up with three different things to say, all dirty, but he behaved.  “One hot dog, a bloody, and some Cheetos.”

“Breakfast of champions! Coming up!”

Balls gave her his card, took it back after she rung him up, and turned around to admire the view.  It was a gorgeous day and you could see the snow in Lake Arrowhead.

“Uh, we have a bit of a problem.”

Balls turned around, “What’s wrong?  Are you out of hot dogs?”

“No. Saint Peter is being a dick.”