TGIF! We’re still in the midst of March Madness. So let’s get to it!
Survival – Personal Edition
We’ve all been there. Had a few too many, got excited and started doing crimes. But this time, you got caught and they’re throwing you in the pokey for the evening. Here’s some tips to last until the morning when you’re hopefully freed.
- Ask for a single cell, especially if you see one open. However, don’t give any reasons why you want/need a single cell as those reasons can be used against you if you end up in general holding.
- Don’t show fear or weakness. If you’re a little snowflake and are visibly showing fear, lean into it and act like a crazy person by acting erractic and mumbling to yourself.
- If a guard is monitoring the cell, stay in their sight at all times. If there’s not, locate the camera(s) monitoring the cell and stay in their view.
- No sleeping. If you lay down anywhere some asshole is going to claim it’s theirs and then you’ll be in trouble or owe them a favoUr. Instead, find a corner and sit on the floor with your back to the wall. Don’t remove any clothing to use as a blanket or pillow as it’s more than likely it’ll just get stolen from you.
- Keep your mouth shut and avoid eye contact. You’re not there to make new friends. Of course, don’t be rude. If you’re asked a question, go ahead and answer, but keep it short. Also, don’t ever talk about why you’re there.
- Don’t accept or ask for any favoUrs. It’ll mean you owe someone, and the repayment plan will be quite inflated.
- Do not try to escape. Be on your best behavioUr and you’ll be out of there quickly enough with a good story to tell.
Once you’re out, go home and catch up on some sleep. And try not to get caught next time.
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Survival – Species Edition
Time to put the sexy in Friday!
Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to the comments!
For whatever reason, listening to the person seated next to you giving CPR instructions to a caller you can’t hear is FAR more nerve-wracking than actually having the call yourself.
I think I just saw a commercial for a phone sex line. How is that still a thing in 2025?
976-Duck? Call now for a nice juicy duck?
Now I would order that.
Well 912 isn’t getting people off.
“getting off”
I called 1-800-BLOWMEE and a bunch of Mexicans showed up and cleared my lawn.
The Dr. Mrs. made plans to throw out our eclipse glasses, so I checked to see when the next eclipse will be. Turns out it’s tomorrow! But not really visible in much of the U.S.
August of 2027.
Nile valley.
Valley of kings.
Serious totality. Over 6 minutes.
Egypt sounds fun.
I already have plans for the 2026 eclipse in Spain, will be in Majorca for totality
Oh yeah. And Gibraltar sounds right.
She doesn’t need to await approval.
She’s not like Brocky.
Random story of the week: in segments.
Yesterday I got a box from Amazon that contained these.
Then today I got this.
That’s a gamer chair, unassembled of course and it’s bigger than my former wife’s 3 day suitcase.
I did not order that!
Initial research says it could be an Amazon seller that wants to fuck with a competitor by ordering random shit and somehow I got on the distribution list.
The idea is you send folks shit they didn’t order and then that seller gets bad reviews thus eliminating competition.
Anyone want a gamer chair?
I have never been charged and none of this shit is in my order history.
Free chair is the best chair.
I’vee heard of this but usually only with small stuff where they send stuff out to get a ‘verified buyer’ label on fake good reviews.
i say try the chair out and enjoy if it’s nice!
Taj already took ownership.
Coach Sampson so proud
Meanwhile, in West Lafayette, IN…
Okay sure, this image goes through
Looks like it could be all 1s and 2s. Except for SOMEONE…
/looks disapprovingly while driving to the place I park my car when I go teach at the college
Home!
Friday.
Busiest week since 2019.
People are going to work and attending conferences and business is good.
I’m setting my crew up for when I retire and it’s looking positive.
On to Toronto in 2 weeks.
I favor lady number 2 tonight. As in any jail cell I would find myself in, I’d establish domination early with her. Thank you Mr Ayo, splendid work as usual.
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTsZTQDxbYe7YqrhZWk2ynta4UST7ZsYgEOvA&s
https://postimg.cc/JspTVq8s
After careful review, your post has been approved
Found a funny:
doing a cool samurai thing where I slice an incoming arrow in half with my katana, instantly killing my two buddies standing just behind me
But it looked really cool.
There’s a great scene in Snow Crash where something similar happens, minus the two buddies getting killed.
Mrs. Horatio is spending almost all of tomorrow with friends. I will be on my own for lunch and dinner. It’s a long running joke that I cannot cook, and that left on my own will starve to death. Which is not true: I can cook, but she’s just much better at it, and also why would I cook when she thinks I can’t?
Anyhoo, tonight she asked me “do you think you’ll be OK tomorrow?” and I replied “Gosh babe, I just don’t know” without revealing that my plans, with like 12 hours to myself, revolve around hitting at least one and possibly as many three breweries, all of which have food trucks at which money can be exchanged for foodstuffs, and that I am not just going to survive, I AM GOING TO THRIVE!!!
Sunday is probably going to suck.
That’s Rocking!
“Horatio Gets Arrested”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoLGsgZTnjk&list=PLHvjjrwr9UmCKBXPbyjNlrm73Z0gBL18Z
What no beef stroganoff?
THIS TIME, I am going to drain the grease from the beef portion before adding it to the noodles.
/forgets to cook noodles
AH FUCK!!!
/eats it anyway
A+ unis.
Y’Know, I don’t even think I want you people as are 51st state!
https://twitter.com/SickosCommittee/status/1905819773960626561
We should make them an unincorporated territory, like American Samoa. That way we don’t have to make a whole bunch of new flags or give them voting rights or anything
So we’d get paper towel as a joining gift?
Shut up, you’re literally Guam.
Made from pulped social security checks and tears
Padres vs Braves is on!
That’s Rockingggg!!!!
Goooooo Padres!
I mean that’s cool but not as cool as the mai tai I’m drinking and about to refill with another mai tai.
It’s cool, but not as cool as UConn having a chance to get to the Frozen Four for the first time ever, and the 3rd beer I’m about to pour down my gullet to celebrate.
Yinzburgh is busy tonight!
I won’t have time to stew about the old man at this rate.
Yes, I did take time away to post this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMBUA7wRHP0
I’m deeply in love with an actual woman descended from nobility. I have a miracle son with her. I have two beautiful, smart, and witty daughters who I got to spend a terrific afternoon and evening with. I’m doing a jorb I genuinely like, and may actually be half decent at. So, why am I seething in silent rage, dear reader? My dad remains a prick.
It’s amazing how one person can soil an otherwise great day. I feel like a jagoff even posting this bullshit in my personal life no one cares about. I just needed to vent. Anyway, hope yinz are doing well.
Any UFL coverage, perchance?
/is laughed out of Clubhouse
The thing is that you can choose to focus on the good and ignore the bad or focus on the bad.
I’m assuming you don’t live with your dad, so you don’t really HAVE to get mad about him.
World War II & 1/3 would have broken out a decade ago if I had to live with him.
I do have put up with him because the girls stay there when I’m at work, like now.
We’ve been hanging out online and making dick jokes together for nigh on ten years now – we have long since crossed the threshold of genuinely caring about stuff in your personal life. Vent away to your heart’s content, we’ll be here.
Yeah you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. We all feel that to some level.
You can cut negative influences out of your life and not be a bad person.
Just saying.
I feel you with the parents are dicks. My parents are divorced and I can only take either of them in very small doses as are both dicks in different ways. Dad is a grumpy old man that can’t get out of his own way to help himself. Mom is probably a narcissis and is all about how things look.
I got so lucky with a great partner in life and we have two great kids together that are kicking ass in life
/vent away
void flies open, feel free to scream into us
I mean, shit, I’m three beers deep and celebrating UConn being in the final 8 in men’s hockey for the first time ever. Go ahead and yell about whatever you want. I can promise I won’t mind and will in fact contribute absolutely horrible advice that you would be best off disregarding immediately.
You’re doing well to recognize the good things, even if you can’t stop the totallt natural reactions to the shitty stuff. And of course you can always bitch about the shitty stuff here!
I argue with my dad all the time, and he’s been dead for twenty years.
Allison T56-A-14 engine with Hamilton Standard 54H60-77 propeller
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https://ibb.co/k2Z2B7S6
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Allison T56-A1 turboprop engine cutaway, at the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum
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https://ibb.co/6ckKsMjC
Alright Kelvin Sampson, I don’t like you, and you don’t like me,
But if you don’t choke tonight, I promise to stop my father from driving to your house and desecration your lawn.
Deal?
Evening
Well Maine’s goalkeeper is dead.
Gave up 4 goals anyway; may as well just shove him over to thin ice part of the pond and let nature do the rest…and OHMYGOD they’re keeping him in the game.
Well this isn’t going to end well.
He might do better if just lying on the ices
I dunno; Penn State prefers to score on someone just lying down while offering no resistance.
As opposed to lying *to* the ICE, which is what immigration attorneys are advising their clients to do when asked so much as “hey do you know if it’s supposed to rain later?”
Excuse for just a moment I just need too
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEERUTTAETQ
Penn State up 4-1 on Maine, in what would be a colossal upset in NCAA hockey.
Winner gets the Fightin’ Horatios (Ice Ball Division) in a game to go to the Frozen Four.
I should acknowledge that there is notable lack of rhythmic slapping in this game.
Rhythmic slapshots count!
Breaking News:
https://www.newscientist.com/article/2473713-the-anus-may-have-evolved-from-a-hole-originally-used-to-release-sperm/
Would certainly explain Trump’s conception.
This is one of the few Kentucky blowouts that doesn’t involve a black guy being dragged behind a pickup truck.
The Canadia really needs to have nukes on its soil, and solely under their control.
Why? So the Maple Leafs could win a Stanley Cup?
The amateurs strike again:
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https://ibb.co/xSQsCg60
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Here are the pros:
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https://ibb.co/35Xyqpq3
I bet that sub had really great furnishings.
Which one?
The two blonds, they need to make me a sandwich.
https://ibb.co/MDnKps5T
“‘Tourist Submarine Crashes Off The Coast of Egypt’ sounds like a Robert Fripp, Brian Eno and Emerson, Lake and Palmer collab gone wrong!” [adjusts tie ironically]
-Dennis Miller
https://ibb.co/zVFhGkRF
I can’t hear you over Keith somehow working Bach’s Musical Offering in there.
I am rooting for Johnny Reb, because their cheerleaders are hotter.
I’m with Reb because Marshall Henderson was a brief shining star in the Mississippi sky.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AkJS_DA-tI&ab_channel=JackG
oh yeah, had TOTES forgotten, but that was funner’n hayell (h/t, Early Cuyler)
A Kentucky spanking that doesn’t involve a family member? GO VOLS!
I’d feel great for Rick Barnes if he finally won it all.
A fella that has put in the work everywhere he goes. Seems to be clean. He’s not ‘likeable’ and I think that’s why he doesn’t have a higher profile despite his success.
Rick Barnes is the beige of college coaches.
Números dos y diez….
cinco y seis para el Hippo por favor
I called dibs on dos, but you’re cool so we can share.
I don’t speak French but I’m not so sure #1 and #2 aren’t AI images.
#2, don’t care she hits all the right spots and some I did not even know i had.
Probably is but it’s a great pose
Could be a Thalidomide baby