Monday Morning Mock Draft: Habemus Papem!!

Gutentag drones.

We’ve got a draft based on current events for you today.  For the first time in tries the Cardinals got one right and finally named an American as Pope!

We’ll just ignore his Peruvian citizenship, the fact that he seems to have spent at least half his life living outside the USofA, and also that, for the vast majority of the life-span of the Holy Mother Church, the USofA did not exist.  The important thing is we finally go a guy of our own in the Holy See, his name is Bob, he’s from Chicago, and he’s a White Sox fan, so he knows something of suffering.

In keeping with tradition, upon being elevated to the papacy former Cardinal Robert Prevost took the name Leo XIV.  Why that tradition, you ask?  Because when that Jesus guy named Simon to his apostolic crew He told Simon he was changing his name to Peter, which I guess is how “fisher of men” translates in Aramaic*, (spoiler alert:  Jesus was probably not White), and then some stuff happened and Jesus got nailed to a cross and then He came back three days later and saw His shadow and there was six more weeks of Lent.  Or something.

*per the Wiki article I just looked up it may be a translation of ‘Cephas’ which has something to do with Jesus calling Peter the Rock on which He would build his church.

Look, I didn’t pay a lot of attention to the nuns during my parochial grade-school education, other than to make sure to duck when they started swinging, OK?

The point is, every Pope takes a new name when they become Pope.  And there have been some doozies throughout the last 1800-2000 years or so.  This week we draft your favoUrites, (the first Canadien Pope is gonna take the name ‘Doug,’ book that), from among those names.

The rules:  I.  Any Papal name is fair game, including anti-popes, schismatic popes, asthmatic popes, basically any kind of pope so long as they existed in real life.  No fictional popes, if you please.

II., once a name is taken that name is off the list:  we’re not, for instance, going to have fourteen Leos.  It’s the name, not the number, that counts.  Yes, that will limit the picks but I’m sure we can find enough to talk about to get through the day.

III., wait ten picks or a half hour before making your next pick.

IV.  Much like with John Paul, there is no IV.  Actually I’m pretty sure there are only two John Pauls.  Whatever, it’s time to get to picking!

With the first pick I take John Paul II.  Pretty dull name, pretty conservative guy, probably a reach in terms of draft value here.  BUT, he’s the first Pope I was aware of, he was the first Polish Pope, and when he was elected I was going to a parochial school named after St. Stanislaus.  Those Poles were so happy all us kids got free popcorn for lunch.  And that’s pretty much the most any Pope has ever done for me.

The rest of you are on the clock!

*Important Note:  Mrs. Horatio and I are doing missionary work in Puerto Rico this week, distributing paper towels to the needy and hopefully meeting Don T for what I’m told will be the most bestest roast pork ever.  Or maybe he said “get bombed on rum.”  Whichever.  The point being there is a very good chance I will not post next Monday, and you will be on your own.  If I decide to bring my computer with me I will put something together, (MAYBE), but if not someone will need to Karen Carpenter it.

(Youth pastor voice):  “You know who else was a carpenter?”