Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks tl;dr of last week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Hey, I know this has been a tough quarter. I’m gonna see about rustling you up some special perks. That sound good [in bed]?
Seth Milchick
Strange that my work doesn’t have anything like this, in or out of bed. I’m not sure the last time I talked to my manager, so not getting anything given to me. I guess my perk is working remote and not having to, like, people.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
Funny, I assumed this was all hot weather cocktails because I am sweaty and also don’t listen to Horatio. Taking my favorite cocktail of all time, the Vieux Carre.
3/4 oz rye
3/4 oz cognac
3/4 oz sweet vermouth (strong preference for carpano antica)
1/4 oz Benedictine
2 dashes peychauds
2 dashes ango:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(webp)/__opt__aboutcom__coeus__resources__content_migration__serious_eats__seriouseats.com__recipes__images__2015__04__20150323-cocktails-vicky-wasik-vieux-carre-6f64176c70994cdea68e588b780a0d1d.jpg)
BrettFavresColonoscopy
I feel like not listening to Horatio is a draft tradition at this point
Doktor Zymm
Ciao tutti
2Pack
I know it’s a hack job, but at least I mentioned a sports adjacent event and made a dick joke so 2 contractual requirements were met.
ArmedandHammered
Wait, we have contracts?!?
ballsofsteelandfury
We have standards?
Horatio Cornblower
Some days there aren’t enough punches to throw at every motherfucker who deserves one.
jjfozz
Think about it
Doktor Zymm
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Don T
I guess this was a bridge too far.
“ he paid for Uber rides, meals and recovery services for his players last season.”
https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2025/jul/14/former-nfl-qb-bridgewater-suspended-from-high-school-coaching-job
Jimbo
Seems like a good dude
ballsofsteelandfury
Totally. I hope Teddy learned his lesson and remembers to launder the money through a nonprofit booster organization next time.
/this is not a joke, I genuinely mean this
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
/ sets up table and lawn chair
// scribbles on sign
/// hangs sign over table
The best music to come out of the 90s was techno/house/rave/EDM/drumnbass/garage/whatever you want to call it. Prove me wrong.
ballsofsteelandfury
Hmmm, different strokes for different folks .
Jimbo
– sign in the employee break room at Orchids of Asia day spa
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Not sure if I buy all of this
DJ TAJ
Microsoft Copilot A.I. is wrong. I have no presence on Pinterest.
Brick Meathook
The shrinkflation on Eggo waffles is unacceptable.
litre_cola
Don T
It’s been nice knowing y’all. I ordered a bunch of Cheezies off the internet and now I’m going to happily die of salt poisoning.
Doktor Zymm
Good news: Tampa City is bringing back the away Creamsicles.
Bad news: Leaving San Diego is now the 2nd worst thing the Chargers have done.
Redshirt
Man, fuck that dude[Pete Rose]. Wherever he’s buried, it should be legal by ordinance to shit on his grave.
And this is why he’s the only Reverend I listen to
SonOfSpam
My Balls relevant contribution here today…
2Pack
/watching The Cut-Throats (1971)
Movie: [opens with a guy roping a tree stump]
Me: “Ok, it’s a Western.”
Movie: [A guy in an Union Army uni assaults a woman]
Me: “Ok, it’s a Civil War western.”
Movie: [soldiers in American WW2 uniforms happen upon the assault and a gun battle ensues]
Me: “Wait. What?”
Movie: [segues to a building with a large swastika on it]
Me: “Ok, it’s a WW2 movie but that first part…?”
Movie: [a Nazi guard on patrol at night is shot in the back…with an arrow]
Me: “Oh, c’mon-you’re just fucking with me now!”
scotchnaut
I didn’t fuck it up!
Yet. Still have to move it to a shelf.
Mr. Ayo
Also, fun fact. The fourth stack in the rear wasn’t used. The designers added it for aesthetic reasons.
Mr. Ayo
“A cylindrical opening at the back end that isn’t being used for anything? Oh, that’s awful.” – Balls, shaking his head sadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Lowratio really gets around
Doktor Zymm
Shockingly for a DFOer, I don’t actually watch a lot of NFL football in recent years, so it’s particularly weird that I had a football dream last night.
I was playing on the kick return team for the Miami Dolphins. Not as the primary returner, because even in my dreams I’m not a skill player. The opponents, who were probably the Belichek-led Patriots, scored late in the first half, and kicked off a squib kick that bounced to me. I picked up a couple of good blocks, and made it right to the goal line before being tackled, because again, even in my dreams I’m not a sports hero.
Fortunately, there was still 0.1 seconds left on the clock, 1st and goal from the 1-foot line, we can kick a field goal or even gamble on the TD if we’re feeling frisky. Except — I look around and my teammates, and the entire Miami sideline, are gone. Somehow they thought that time had expired, and went off to the locker room. Because even in my dreams, the Dolphins are incompetent and let me down.
So I’m there yelling in the vain hopes that someone in the tunnel will hear me, yelling at the officials that this is their fault for not communicating to the sideline that there was time left, and trying to figure out what happens next. If we take a delay of game penalty, is there a runoff and time expires, or do we just get backed up and maybe my idiot teammates will return before the repeated penalties take us out of field goal range? Or is there some rule that of course Belichek has memorized that there’s a loss of down, and eventually we’ll turn the ball over on downs and I’ll get plowed into the ground while 11 Pats run down the field for an uncontested TD. Fucking Belichek. That’s when I woke up.
Dunstan
Okay, I guess I’ll watch “A Good Day to Die Hard” until Late Show starts. See how bad it really is.
Redshirt
The one with Tim Olyphant and Uncle Jack from Always Sunny as the villains is pretty good.
I never saw the one where McClain’s son joins him. It shall continue that way in perpetuity.
WCS
I’ve been watching it for about 25 minutes. When it starts, I’ll let you know.
Redshirt
Die Hard: Die Hard in an Office Building
Die Hard 2: Die Hard in an Airport
Die Hard 3: Die Hard in New York City
Die Hard 4: Die Hard All Around DC, Maryland and Virginia
Die Hard 5: Someone took a 30 second pitch and expanded it into a 98-minute movie that forgot to include what makes Die Hard Die Hard.
Redshirt
Just gonna leave this here
Alex_Demote
Hey everybody! Just wanted to wish you all that every day be another wonderful secret! Because that’s a normal thing to say.
Dunstan
Omg
rockingdog
Update: can’t believe jd vance just called for the wsj to release the letter
Bold strategy cotton!
rockingdog
VP may know something. Either he’s calling their bluff or he’s ordering movers for next month when a crying, piss-stained Trump is dragged out of 1600 Pennsylvania.
Redshirt
VP wants the letter public so he can read it naked on the couch.
SonOfSpam
Oops.
Redshirt
Coldplay's Chris Martin accidentally exposes astronomer CEO Andy Byron having an affair with his HR chief Kristin Cabot.
— Pop Crave (@popcrave.com) 2025-07-17T13:59:17.106Z
rockingdog
To follow up…I have zero sympathy for either of them.
— Jax (the original) (@jacqueline321.bsky.social) 2025-07-17T23:11:19.984Z
A private moment. In a stadium. With 55,000 other people there. Bruh.
Sharkbait
To be fair, he brought it on himself. He went to see fucking Coldplay!
ballsofsteelandfury
That alone should be grounds for both divorce and being thrown out of your board of directors
Redshirt
3 straight 10 hour work days. I’m taking this advice today-except I have to come back Monday.
Jimbo
I love the Request Line process where I have no idea what I’m going to do for a sketch, and then less than an hour before press time I get an idea that I really love. Apologies in advance if it’s late today, but stay tuned!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
They’re repaving our road. Today they’re directly in front of Casa de Cornblower. Today is also the first day in a week with no humidity, and fuck everything we have windows and doors open.
Me, pictured:
Horatio Cornblower
Um Decilitre just decanted and poured wine for the table. Great dad moment?
litre_cola
VERY IMPORTANT NORTHERN ONTARIO NEWS UPDATE:
-A Walmart cashier gave me a prolonged up and down review while I was third in line.
I have some theories-
1-I just had a haircut so I was looking really sharp
2-shoplifting-she thought I was lifting something
3-I was purchasing pickled onions-who buys pickled onions?
4-she could tell that I was from northern Northern Ontario and she thought I would try to pay in shiny rocks
scotchnaut
5) You were covered in hobo blood and were still brandishing the knife
SonOfSpam
That has to be one of the dumbest red cards that I have ever seen. What the hell was the Kraut thinking???
litre_cola
As one might suspect, German foreplay is not exactly a subtle art.
scotchnaut
I deciphered the hieroglyphics, and assembled that fucking cabinet that has been kicking my ass!
Gumbygirl
Mowing the lawn this afternoon I took a white-face Hornet sting to the temple. Goddamn do those little bastards hurt.
Can’t imagine what anyone driving by thought, seeing a lunatic driving a riding lawnmower in circles while screaming vulgarities and swinging a baseball cap at a winged demon.
Horatio Cornblower
That sounds really painful.
Mowing your own lawn, geez.
SonOfSpam
Never heard of this little bastard before. Off to Wikipedia…
It is taxonomically an aerial yellowjacket but is known by many colloquial names, primarily bald-faced hornet, but also including bald-faced aerial yellowjacket, bald-faced wasp, bald hornet, white-faced hornet, blackjacket, white-tailed hornet, spruce wasp, and bull wasp.
Motherfucker has more aliases than Sean Combs.
Looks like they haven’t made their way here yet.
SonOfSpam
90% of the time you can stand right outside the nest and they won’t bother you as long as you don’t bother them, but if they perceive you as a threat look out. Those motherfuckes will come out en masse, they can sting repeatedly, and it hurts like hell.
Bravest thing I’ve ever done was charge into a swarm of them when my first dog had pulled his line into a bush that had a nest in it, resulting in them attacking him.
Got the dog off his line and into the house and took multiple stings myself. Fuck did that hurt.
Then my Dad went out and nuked their nest to hell and back.
Horatio Cornblower
Good on you for helping the dog; that earns you a beer next time I’m in Connecticut.
Speaking of which, it’s quarter to nine here and I’ve had no beers yet. Rectifying that after I hit Post Comment.
SonOfSpam
Beer in hand.
Lookit this little bastard!
SonOfSpam
They make enormous nests, too.
One year, after a couple of frosts, I brought one in from one of our bushes, intending to cut it open and get a look at the inner workings.
And that’s when we learned that, while the drones all die when it gets cold, the queen, roughly the size of your thumb, hibernates in the otherwise empty nest, waiting for warmer weather, or for some absolute dipshit to bring the nest into a warm kitchen, before reemerging to go start a new colony.
Mrs. Horatio didn’t find this information nearly as fascinating as I did.
Horatio Cornblower
UPDATE: I threw the ten year-old jar of molasses out (it was actually 12+ years old). Let’s see if the Dr. Mrs.’ sixth sense activates and she asks me where it went.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Phone: (chimes)
Me: (looks at phone)
Phone: “BREAKING NEWS: Bengals sign…”
Me: (excitedly unlocks phone)
Phone: “…QB Desmond Ridder.”
Wall: (phone deeply embedded in drywall)
Me: (muttering) “Probably a little better than Woodside, I guess.”
Redshirt
Evening. I peed at the top of the Eiffel Tower today.
Not off of it, there’s a bathroom up there. But still pretty cool.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Yeah, they should go back to Washington Football Team or Washington Team Football, the WTFs!.
https://www.nbcsports.com/nfl/profootballtalk/rumor-mill/news/president-trump-wants-commanders-to-immediately-return-to-former-name
Jimbo
He’s just trying to get people to talk about something other than the fact that he paid to have sex with children.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
One second, thought, I shouldn’t recklessly speculate. There’s no evidence that he actually paid for the privilege of having sex with those children.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Sorry… But it’s kinda hard to enjoy National Moon day and National Space Exploration day after all the turmoil this week…
2Pack
Found a funny:
🍔
rockingdog
I just read through all of the comments in the Sunday Gravy thread. In honor of National Moon Day, may I present an image from Slapshot. This part was filmed in my hometown, the building in the background is the library
Gumbygirl
If you have having trouble “loggin in”, once logged in it may say that you are not logged in, at that point, refresh the page. If that does not work, then clear your cache and “loggin in” again.
Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
NOTE banner image from here
I ended up here because I was looking for an mp3 of Camper van Beethoven’s “Take the Skinheads Bowling” (which I *still* haven’t found; why is this so hard?) but if anyone wants to listen to old episodes of Dr. Demento, uh, here you go:
https://archive.org/details/dr.-demento-records/Dr.+Demento+%2386-13+(3-30-86)+Side+4.mp3
I have succeeded in confusing facebook’s advertising algorithms
Those ain’t Malort shorts. WHO WEARS MALORT SHORTS???
I don’t dare to wear Malort shorts.
Felix Baumgartner, the dude who jumped from space in 2010, also died.
Also died at work, in a paragliding accident.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw79RVnlCb0
Ozzy and Lemmy can finally throw that coup in hell they’ve been discussing.
I read his obit over the weekend. Baumgartner had some thoughts on gays, climate change, immigration, and Viktor Orban than make me not exactly sad that he piled it in.
they also were part of a fun little game back in the day Brutal Legend odd combo of adventure game, racing, and strategy and metal.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcVgQJoihlM
and both also in the Decline of Western Civilization Part 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2T-y4PMDP4
If I could find a gif of a croquet ball going through two wickets in one shot, I’d post it here.
One of my finest athletic achievements was in a game of backyard croquet against a friend of mine and my brother. We each had one ball left, but theirs were well ahead of mine. Using the curve of the hill we were playing against I hit a shot that hit my friend’s ball, bounced up and over and hit my brother’s ball.
I knocked those balls down the hill and pretty much over the town line, then went on to the win.
All of which is a pretty sad commentary on my athletic achievements.
I hit a grand slam in softball that I was pretty proud of. We lost the game though – I think only seven people showed up for us so we were playing shorthanded.
In 7th grade I hit a home run to beat the 8th graders in eagle ball, (think indoor softball but with a big rubber ball), and the ensuing wedgies were worth it.
Now you’ve got me thinking about backyard game of football at around the same age and a touchdown catch I had off a bobble from a teammate that won the game.
In 8th grade gym we had a cross-country unit that ended with a race. I approached the finish around the same time as another girl and won the sprint to finish something like 30th instead of 31st. She muttered ‘bitch’ at me, so finishing one place higher, down in the bottom half of the field must have been more of an accomplishment than I realized!
I finished third in in the 2001 PA state high school bowling championships. I picked a good time to throw my still-current high game (289) and series (750+).
Seriously, my next highest game ever is 275 years later, so I really was throwing rocks that day.
I’m not sure that counts because it was an actual genuine accomplishment.
Oh I’ve bowled over 289 before, it just took me a series to do it.
HOLY SHIT, ENGLAND!
They say trouble comes in threes….
Theo
Ozzy
……..🍊?
Italian women’s hopes of making the Euro final?
But seriously, given that Jim Irsay went not too long ago and Theo was a fluke, I’d bet big on Keith Richards.
I’d never cheer for the Italian men in soccer but the women are a different story.
As stupid as it was, I’ll always love his cameo in little Nicky
Come on, England. DO IT FOR OZZY!
Huh. They actually played “Crazy Train” as bumper music.
I mean, to be honest crazy train is always a reliable sports song.
In high school they would play it before our team ran out of our giant inflatable helmet. That music would kick on, we’d start getting all amped for the game, good times
It’s trite, but few songs get me more hyped than AC/DC’s Thunderstruck.
It’s no Seven Nation Army…
/ducks
Do you think it’s the G7 nations that have the army?
They seemed a bit disjointed one evening. I will tell all in LA!
“…gets another bite at the cherry…” man the British are weird with their metaphors.
Sad Iron Man intensifies
back with Randy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KuBNxS6QIs
Ok, so Ozzy dying isn’t a shock, but WE’RE WAITING PATIENTLY FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
Ozzy’s going to Hell to raise an army.
I’m not waiting patiently. In fact, I’d describe myself as “incredibly impatient”.
We’ve lost Ozzy.
https://nypost.com/2025/07/22/entertainment/ozzy-osbourne-dead-black-sabbath-frontman-dies-at-76/
Well that news takes all the fun right out of the day. Shit, I need a beer
ALL HAIL OZZY
I’m glad he got to do his last show a few weeks ago. Went out with a bang!
Just found out the Cleveland work conference I thought was optional was in fact mandatory.
Good thing it was last week. Saves me a lot of time threatening to resign.
Training Camp is here! Casual Hippie Joe to the rescue!
feels like a target on the shirt
I don’t care what anyone says, that fucker is living life large!
Um, well, not anymore. But he certainly did.
the Grateful Red for when you have to take enough drugs to feel that this will be the year.
Mike Johnson to Congress:
GOP: “Ok next up, a new law requiring poor kids to be taunted in public schools”
Dems: “Sure, but I’m adding an amendment to release Epstein files”
GOP: “RECESS TILL SEPTEMBER”
We finally have a cohesive strategy.
“Good. That will give me a few more weeks to rape kids.”
-Donald Trump, Documented Child Rapist and Evangelical Savior
his son musta found a really banging new porn site he has to check out
I’m sure the stupid weaklings (not my words but, rather, their own Savior’s) will let it slide.
He’s not wrong about them, but not nearly as wrong as they are about him.
Got a new coffee maker and after obtaining coffee beans and filter tried it out this morning. It does, in fact, make coffee!
I’m relieved you chose to avoid the Nutri-Matic.
And the Super Bass-O-Matic 76.
That’s tasty bass!
DFO: Come for the dick jokes, stay for the extended discussions of the taxonomy and habits of various insects.
DFO: the home of the high-brow dick joke
Thanks GTD, brightened my day. The wife has full blown COVID and I ain’t feeling too good myself. Feel like the only ball at a Chinese Ping Pong tournament.
Hope you and the Mrs recover quickly and stop bouncing around.
Your wife came down with a Hoax? In 2025?
Sounds like your wife is a FAKE THING!
Aren’t we all highly evolved dickjokebots?
I don’t know about the ” highly evolved” part.
She’s not fake, she just lives in Niagara Falls and you don’t know her, OK?
Damn, you are on a bad luck streak. Bright side- things are bound to get better!
Better than the only ball in Patpong, Thailand IMO.
Passport renewal time at the Consulate office
And of course when your daughters want to shop… You go large.
I’m gonna grab something for Marika while I’m here… And thank you for the hustle here GTD… It was quite a week.
“Daughter’s size starts at Large? Tell me about it!”
-John McCain, Discussing how a 14 year old Meghan McCain might avoid being raped by Donald Trump, the documented child rapist
Wow! That’s beautiful!
It has been a fun day. Perfect excuse to spoil my girls and goof off.
Are all the pointy things on the roof there to keep God away?
Anti pigeon nesting measures I believe
I was talking about the spires, actually. Just being silly.
Angel dildos. It’s in their contract.