Fuck me sideways, boys and girls, everything old is new again!
Phillip Goddamned Rivers is rejoining the Colts! As a player!
Rivers, last seen losing to the Most Glorious Buffalo Bills in the 2020(!) playoffs, has been signed to the Indianapolis practice squad in the wake of Daniel Jones’ right Achilles noping right the hell out on Sunday. He was relieved by relatively unregarded sixth-round rookie Riley Leonard, who in turn sustained a knee injury on Sunday that may keep him off the field.
Faced with the apparently horrifying-beyond-contemplation prospect of starting fourth overall pick Anthony Richardson, Indianapolis general manager Chris Ballard decided to pull a John Wick* and pull an old warhorse out of retirement.
* Note- this was originally Battlestar Galactica until I realized “pulling a Battlestar Galactica” means completely running out of ideas on a great premise after one season and pissing on your prior work.
In fairness, Anthony Richardson may not be able to play. He was placed on IR after a pregame Rubber Fitness Band Incident left him with a fractured eyebone, and there is some question as to whether he is still injured or just conveniently stashed there in lieu of an embarrassing roster cut.
Still: Rivers is a…curious…choice. Not only is he five years removed from playing (he’s on the HoF ballot this year), he’s 44. He’s got a kid who is the same age as Richardson and Leonard. He’s got a grandchild, for fuck’s sake.
Tell me again about the Before-Times, Grandpa Marmalard…
Let me be clear: there is no Broncos Manning happy ending for this situation. The Colts have lost four of their last five, and their final four games include three against defenses that have killed current NFL stars: Seattle, San Francisco and Houston. Even if King Laserface was only on the downslope of his career, these would be dangerous games. Honestly and truly, I hope to Shank’lhor he’s been pumping himself full of steroids, HGH and whatever the hell the new hotness is during his retirement, because otherwise he is in Legitimate Bodily Peril. And that’s a whole fuckton of orphans…
-When last we checked in with Eagles fans, they were egging offensive coordinator Kevin Patullo’s house. Given that this represents the lowest setting of Expression of Disapproval in the Philadelphia psyche, and the reactions of my Philly fan friends during last night’s debacle, I’m assuming that by the time this post has published either Patullo or Jalen Hurts will have been found beaten and tied to a greased lamp post, if not given the Full HitchBot.
There’s not much worse than having mice/rats clear the bait from a trap without setting it off. Because now all I’ve done is make them stronger.
Please Sir, I have always said that I find your writing highly entertaining… But don’t distract my going into retirement with these crazy coming out of retirement stories. It really bugs me… Words hurt…
…Does this take him off the HOF list?
Of course. It just resets the clock though. He’s already a semi-finalist for next year’s class too.
Only if he gets bumped to active roster as I understand it. Practice squad doesn’t count.
I think he gets re-set to 2030 if he plays a game.
They’re obviously not that desperate yet since they haven’t worked out Kaep
“I want you to stop right now. I want you to draw what you want this PowerPoint slide to look like. Then hold it up to the camera. I’m going to take a picture and this is what you’re getting.”
I said this, in a joking/pissed off voice to my boss today.
I’m going to make this fuckface of a slide, and show it to him. Then he’s gonna say, “Fozz, I like it, but . . .”
Then I’m going to disappear into the hinterlands of Australia.
YOU FUCKING HERE ME, JEFF? HINTERLANDS! YOU FUCKING LUNATIC!
3-6 inches tonight. It’s like being in jail again!
Huh, didn’t realize it snowed in jail. The things you learn!
It can rain men.
Hallelujah!
Deanna Favre starts her crime spree
Where exactly in WI are you?
GB. De Pere to be specific
John Wick would be angering someone out of retirement. This may be Gone In 60 Seconds but that’s a retired person returning for family and he’s running away from them.
Maybe Rivers learned that the current crop of unmarried Indiana players aren’t practicing abstinence.
Current? (Unpaid) Child support statistics say this has never been.
Notre Dame is the first bunch of Indiana losers to ever pull out.
The Iggles have no hope. They have Raiders, Bills, Commies x2 left. Then we will take our beating at home in the ‘yoffs.
OL is shit without Lane.
Hurts has regressed to who I thought he was.
AJ Brown is T.O. part deux
Petullo should never have gotten that job.
Sirianni is a good CEO coach IF he has good coordinators.
In closing, Iggles are doomed, Mighty Whitey sucks, Ice Bombers are trash and we are going to get walloped with -20 C and snow this week.
Someone’s having a nice Tuesday evening!
Well, TO BE FAIR, his team hasn’t won the Super Bowl in a while. Months, even.
Still wish that I was at the birds bar in Santa Monica last night. That place rules.
Oh week 1, when hope was still alive and my fantasy team had the league high score
The Old Man Rivers jokes pretty much write themselves. I despise him, but it will be fun to watch him play.
HUH? WHAT!? HUH!? FUCK YOU CUMSTAIN! THE ONE AND ONLY KING LASERFACE IS BACK IN YOUR GAME LIKE I BACK INTO MY WIFE’S BUSTED UTERUS! YOU CAN’T CONTROL MARMALARD YOU CAN ONLY HOPE CONTAIN HIM! BY THE TIME I’M DONE WITH THIS BITCH AGAIN, I’LL BE A GREAT-GRANDADDY TO HALF THIS LEAGUE! HAIL TO KING LASERFACE!
YAAAA BEETTTTTAAAA CAAAALLLLLL SOOMMMEEBBOOODDDYYYYYYY
“You see, Eli? This is why you will not be receiving the Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle as a Christmas present this year, or any other year.” – Olivia Manning
You ever let me have any fun!
*Immediately pokes out eye stabbing a Capri Sun with a straw*
ISTR that you bought little milk cartons of bb’s and dumped them in there until it couldn’t hold anymore. Like five or six hundred.
None of my close neighbors had a Red Rider though. One had a Daisy Model 25 that had a 50-round spring-fed tube. We had a double-barreled Daisy Model 21 that has two 50-round tubes, one for each barrel. It was a bitch to cock because you basically had to cock two bb guns at the same time. And we had a Sears & Roebuck 799, all pimped out in brass and gold. It held 40 shots, and you loaded it 10 at a time. Way cool.
Evening.
Once there was a woman Louise,
Whose hairs down there went to her knees.
Her crabs got together and knit her a sweater,
So when she peed her flaps didn’t freeze.
Whitman? No, wait…Keats.
Coleridge, after hitting the opium pipe a little hard.
Let’s see what Leonard Pinth-Garnell thinks of your poem
What the fuck does he know,he isn’t as cultured and swellegant as we are!
https://snlarchives.net/Episodes/?197803187
Top 5 snl skit for me
And i still cant figure out how to embed a fucking video
Breathes there a man
with soul so dead
who never to himself hath said,
“That bitch gave me crabs!”
Bears repeating. She is brilliant
https://youtube.com/shorts/hKaEA4chWzA?si=cYFHo5Qq12AzmwFf
“The only one who held on to Mahomes’ balls this week was Cris Collinsworth.”
Brittany must be so fucking jealous.
It’s so great that this happy little robot was cruising along city streets and country lanes, making people happy, showing us a glimpse of a brighter future…and then he went to Philly.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HitchBOT
They really shouldn’t have started in the Northeast, I’m sure Hitchbot would have done great in Oregon. He probably would have made it as far as “Wyoming” before being silenced by the State to keep their secrets of what’s really there
Dorothy Parker meant Wyoming, not Oakland.
Hitchbot would have been stripped for metals five minutes after arriving in Oregon.