“What’s Old Is Stupid Again” – Your Monday Night DFO Hate Week Open Thread

Welcome, one and all, to another edition of [DFO] Hate Week, an annual tradition not unlike Festivus where we take aspects of the game we all enjoy and express our dissatisfaction at certain aspects of it.

I’m your host for most of the week, Beerguyrob,

and together we will walk hand-in-hand setting fire to that which boils the blood.

This year is extra special, as it is the tenth year of this tradition that started back in 2017. Which game was that year? Oh yeah,

Stupid fuckin’ fuckety fuck Falcons.

Before we begin, I’d like to introduce the theme song for the week – “Fuck Right Off” by Claudia von Blatt

(Here’s a YouTube link for those who don’t do the Spot.)

I think you’ll agree that it strikes at the cold, blackened heart of every Kommentist. The line about alcohol delivery really speaks to me.

I’m also using the original graphic for the header tonight, to show love to my hatey confrère, Low Commander, who has provided us with many enjoyable photoshops over the decade of this adventure.

Today’s topic: this so-called “Ends of eras” bullshit surrounding coaches Harbaugh & Tomlin, and the wasted tears therein.

Within the space of one week from Black Monday, we witnessed the end of over 37 years of coaching experience as John Harbaugh & Mike Tomlin were relieved of their positions, partially as a result of their most recent interaction.

You would think this was a funeral the way they’ve both been eulogized in recent weeks. Mike Tomlin achieved the unthinkable by retiring undefeated. He went 193-114-2, ending his time with the Steelers tied with Chuck Noll for wins and four ties behind Buddy Parker. Harbaugh was only the third coach in Ravens history, and finishes his time a clean 100 wins ahead of Brian Billick. Each of them won one Super Bowl, and they were the defining coaches of the AFC North for the last 15 years.

But how good were they really?

Rate of success

Well, Tom Flores has two head coaching Super Bowls, both won with Jim Plunkett at quarterback.

The Steelers last Super Bowl was in 2009, and Mike Tomlin was doing his best George Seifert imitation. Tomlin took over from Bill Cowher and inherited a stable lineup that was built to maintain success. The Ben may have been a gropey rapey kind of person, but with the right weapons around him he was lethal, something which doesn’t afford Deshaun Watson the same courtesy. Only Jon Gruden has a worse claim to having coached to a Lombardi victory “on his own”, and he blames that on having to take over from a black coach.

The Ravens last Super Bowl was in 2012, with a elite quarterback in Joe Flacco. Since then, while New England had the back half of Tom Brady & Andy Reid had the first half of Patrick Mahomes. All Harbs had was two-time MVP Lamar Jackson and he didn’t even sniff the Super Bowl. Long story short, it’s been a long time since someone was arrested for pissing on Art Modell’s grave and Ray Lewis still walks free. 

Longevity

Both of them endured both on their own guile and others’ incompetence. Mike Tomlin was given the reins of a team that had won a Super Bowl two years earlier & injuries had reduced to 8-8. He walked in from the Vikings with moderate expectations and the Rooney Rule protecting his position for awhile. The change brought immediate results as he went 10-6 in Year 1 and 12-4 with a Bowl in Year 2. Since then – all past reputation.

John Harbaugh wasn’t even the Ravens first choice! Hilariously, the Ravens wanted Jason Garrett, and only settled for Harbaugh because Garrett chose to stay & suckle at the coaching teat of Wade Phillips because Jerry Jones gave him a raise. His success in Baltimore was a little more hard-earned, but he was able to make at least the Divisional Round every year from his first, ultimately winning his only Super Bowl in the 2012 season. Since then – past reputation.

So what keeps coaches coasting on past reputations employed? Worse organizations! And boy, does the AFC North have a couple of ’em.

The good fortune of playing in the same division as Cleveland and Cincinnati ensured that they really only had to be concerned with each other. I mean, given this staggering level of scouting incompetence,

it’s hard to believe the Browns have won… any divisions titles. In fact, research

shows that Aaron Rodgers has more AFC North titles (1) than the Browns (0) during the Harbaugh-Tomlin era. And while the Bengals think they got it made because their coach was the only one in the division who kept his job after the season,

just one look at Joe Burrow’s injury chart

shows that he’s not much longer for this world, let alone the Bengals. Even if he pulls the old Carson Palmer to get the fuck away from Mike Brown, the teams that might be willing to take him are also more likely to get him killed than the Bengals. Being highly paid on a bad team you know is probably better than being obscenely paid on a shitty team that shortens your lifespan.

Eventually, welcomes get worn out. Their longevity was enhanced by success long diminished and opponents stupider than shit.

Legacy

But what is their legacy? Someone somewhere (WCS?) brought up the concept of the Mike Tomlin coaching tree, and how it didn’t have any branches.

And since I covered coaching trees last year, I gave the idea a cursory looksee. 

The only name that appeared as a NFL head coach was Bruce Arians. (If you think I’m counting former Memphis Showboats head man Todd Haley, you’re out of your fucking mind.)

So, the idea that he’s left no actual legacy has some merit.

As for John Harbaugh, he has more branches in his tree, but a lot of them are pretty fucking weak. Just look at this roster of incompetence:

• Hue Jackson,
• Chuck Pagano,
• Rex Ryan,
• Mike Pettine,
• David Culley,
• Vic Fangio,
• Mike Macdonald

It’s a bad sign when the last guy to leave your team is the best guy you produced. What’s worse, the best guy before Mike Macdonald was Rex Ryan.

But I guess what’s old is new again, again, because Jim Harbaugh is the latest willing victim of the NY FOOTBALL Giants coaching carousel.

And that started a cavalcade of signings: (list courtesy of FOX Sports)

• The Falcons hired former franchise quarterback Matt Ryan as the team’s president of football and former Browns head coach Kevin Stefanski as their new head coach, which made Baker Mayfield very salty,

• The Ravens hired Chargers defensive coordinator Jesse Minter to be their next head coach.
• The Bills promoted offensive coordinator Joe Brady to head coach.
• The Browns hired Ravens offensive coordinator Todd Monken to be their head coach, and in the process pissed off Myles Garrett something fierce.
• The Chargers hired former Dolphins head coach Mike McDaniel as their next offensive coordinator.
• Handsome gentleman don_t’s Titans hired Robert Saleh as their next head coach.
• Finally, the Steelers hired Mike McCarthy, or, as the internet sees it,

• UPDATE after I’d put the article to bed: The Cardinals hath brought another Lafleur unto the Fraternity of Failure. Now I’ve got to revise other lines. Fuckers.

Shockingly, long-time incompetent franchises Oakland LA Oakland Las Vegas and Arizona Phoenix Arizona are is still looking for a head coach, and are waiting to see who wins The Big Game©®™ to commit to more interviews. This is why I don’t pity coaches – they know what they’re getting into. What I’m shocked by is how we haven’t heard yet which TV network hired Mike Tomlin, but I guess they’re saving that for the draft.

Tonight’s sports: (all times Eastern)

NHL:

• Leafs vs. Flames – 7:00pm | Sportsnet (outside Toronto), TSN4 (inside Toronto), ESPN+

NBA:

• T-wolves vs. Grizzlies – 7:00pm | Sportsnet1, Peacock
• 76ers vs. Clippers – 10:00pm | Sportsnet1, Peacock

NCAA:

• Men’s:
  • Syracuse vs. #16 North Carolina – 7:00pm | ESPN / TSN2
  • #14 Kansas vs. #11 Texas Tech – 9:00pm | ESPN / TSN2
• Women’s:
  • #3 South Carolina vs. Texas A&M – 8:00pm | ESPN2

Don’t forget – it’s only three more hate-filled nights until the Olympics start, and two more days after that until The Big Game©®™!

Rage on!