Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo: A Brief Non-Human Sports Update

Good evening, all. If anyone else came up to you about non-human sports, you’d think it’s some sort of AI bullshit, but not this time! We’ll bring up some of the major DFO-approved non-human sports we sometimes follow, starting with…

Marble League 2026: The 10th anniversary edition! And oh boy, did we start of with a biggun in qualis.

Going into Marble League 2026 there were two teams that had participated in every Marble League proper since its inception in 2026, and it’s the two teams you would exactly expect it to be, the Savage Speeders and O’rangers. (The Raspberry Racers did not compete until 2017 but have qualified every time they’ve competed.) So of course, the two rivals this qualifier were in the same group, and finished one after each other, one point apart.

The Savage Speeders retain their status of perfect attendance, as they finished in 6th in their 12-team qualifying group, where the top half qualified. The O’rangers, one point back, finished in 7th, relegated for the first time to the Showdown. They’ve been joined by other former championship winning teams as the Midnight Wisps and Team Momo, so it’s not entirely crazy, we promise!

Through three events, the Snowballs lead the Indigo Stars by one point. Now, onto robot combat with

An NHRL Beat? What even is that?

Norwalk Havoc, or NHRL (Norwalk Havoc Robot League), is a robot combat series that takes place in Norwalk, CT. I have yet to have gone because I work weekends. However, they also stream on Youtube! The fight that caught my eye was Saiko! vs. Pyre in the 12 lb. class semifinals last week. (They are not full heavyweights in NHRL, but smaller robots: 3 lb. beetleweights, 12 lb. hobbyweights, and 30 lb. featherweights.)

Pyre dominated the match for the better part of it, as the forks and greater surface area kept Saiko! at bay, and stopped the drum. However, it’s a three-minute fight, and Pyre struggled with keeping the electronic temperatures in the manageable range, triggering the thermal cutoff switch, making the robot a sitting duck (if Saiko! had a functional weapon). Instead, since there was little Saiko! could do, it was pin on the wall and at least get Pyre to burn an unstick (if your robot gets wedged precariously on a wall, you are allowed one unstick per match), and once that was used, the beginnings of a count-out before Pyre sprang to life. And then cut out again with 10 seconds left. Now, there is a proof of function period in NHRL after the 3 minutes are up for moments like this, and it looked like Pyre would fail the prove-it period, where, I don’t know if that would change it to a KO victory for Saiko! or be a big relevant thing in the eyes of the judges.

So, good guy Jamison Go (yes, of SawBlaze, Saiko! is his 12-pounder, along with 3 lb. Silent Spring and featherweight megatRON) has Saiko! give Pyre a little push, and what do you know, Pyre’s fine and functional en route to a unanimous decision victory and eventually that competition’s Golden Dumpster.

All right, I have to cut it here and run to a gig. What’s on tonight? Go Knicks.