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As a fan of time theft and overall dicking around at work, it is with total pleasure that I welcome the ’26 Mundial. This 48-team edition features 104 games, instead of the habitual 64 when the WC used to be between 32 teams. That’s at least an extra week of procrastination and remote “work”, natch.
Let’s start the questions round with the most salient topic:
Iran, amirite? Wow. Will they escape their group?
Don T: The U.S.A. will only let Iranians into the country to play (two games in LA, last group game @ Seattle), and after the game, I assume, ICE will smoke out the Iranians to return to México (who took in Irán because México Lindo is awesome). The tickets allotted for Iranian fans were revoked, so it will take another revolution for the Iranians to pack the stands for games. Irán plays New Zealand, Belgium, and Egypt (@ Seattle for FIFA’s LGBTQ+ Pride game). Can Irán can? I say yes.
Horatio: For reasons known only to God and, presumably, himself, Don T asked me to weigh in on this. Out of respect for Don and gratitude for his showing Mrs. Horatio and I around his beloved, power-optional island home, I will do so. God help us all.
So as I understand it, there are now 48 teams in the Cup, so two will advance from every group, with the option for several third-place teams to do likewise, depending on points, goal-differential, and who paid Gianni “Never Thought You’d Miss The Subtle Corruption Of Sepp Blatter Did You” Infantino what to make sure they got to the knockout rounds.
Using that line of “reasoning” I agree with Don; Iran will advance to the knockouts. They’re a decent team, they’re clearly motivated, the group doesn’t strike me as particularly strong, especially with Belgium’s age, and most importantly since defeating Donald Trump, seizing control of the Straits of Hormuz, and charging tolls to anyone who wants to get a tanker full of oil to a school of starving children, they’ve got the kind of cash one needs to make things happen in FIFA.
Ballsy: I got my first four packets of the Panini stickers and I got almost half the Iranian team. That’s gotta be a sign, right?
I think the most overlooked aspect of the Iranian team moving their team base to Tijuana, Baja California, México (91X) is that no one is asking the important questions such as: 1) Will they get a group discount at the donkey show? 2) Will they get a ceramic elephant or a leopard blanket at the border? And 3) Will they be confused by the Tacos Árabes?
They will not escape their group.
Cape Verde, Curaҫao, Jordan, and Uzbekistan are making their WC début. DR Congo (né, Zaire, ’74 WC qualifier), Haiti, Iraq, and New Zealand round up the presumptive Tourist Eight. Will any of them either score a goal or get a point from group play?
Don T: DR Congo and Uzbekistan play on the same group. There’s a safe bet there, I’m sure. Imma go with Cape Verde getting a goal and a point, as will Curaҫao and, what the hell: Haiti. Caribbean solidarity, bo. Overshare: I get the Haiti feels whenever I remember that all their qualifiers were road games, when I get high, or just want to annoy Litre aboOt Scotland–who will play Haiti this Saturday.
Horatio: Haiti has someone who plays for a Championship league team, I think, so they’re good for a goal. A point would be pushing it. New Zealand will steal one or, dare to dream, two points. As Don points out Dr. Congo and Uzbekistan play each other, so either one of them is getting three points, (and like one goal), or they’re both splitting one. I like Curacao because of their baseballness, so I’ll give them a win (don’t ask me against who), but Cape Verde, Jordan, and Iraq are gonna be in the “just passing through” phase and might get 2 goals between the three of them.
It is important to note here that I don’t have any idea what I’m talking about. Other than being able to find all of these places on the globe, (and decent chance I mix up the ‘Stans), I know nothing about these countries, and less about their Lesser Footy programs.
Ballsy: Cabo Verde is actually a pretty decent team. Unfortunately, they are in a group with Spain and Uruguay. Their best bet for a point is against Saudi Arabia.
We created a pool at work where we selected 3 teams at random using a bingo setup and you get 3 points for a win, 1 point for a tie, and 1 point for each goal scored. One poor bastard got Haiti, Uzbekistán, and DR Congo. He is SO FUCKED!
Which usual “Thanks for coming” team will go far in this Mundial?
Don T: Japan. They had a great campaign at Qatar ’22 (two wins and a loss at the groups; L against Costa Rica 1-0, a couple of 2-1 wins against Germany AND Spain), before a Round of 16 loss against Croatia on pennos. I am rooting for Japan in ’26.
Horatio: USA. If you don’t think FIFA’s gonna drag their asses to at least the quarters you don’t know FIFA.
Ballsy: México Lindo. Similar logic as Horatio noted above. They have a very clear and advantageous path to the quarterfinals if they win their group with a big home field advantage. It would be a disaster if they failed as usual.
What WC trend would you like to see die at this Mundial?
Don T: Croatia advancing through PK shootouts after stinking up the knockouts. Enough, dammit.
Horatio: Gianni Infantino.
Ballsy: Actually, thanks to some rule changes brought in for this MUNDIAL, some historical behaviors will be exterminated. Namely: time wasting. Substitutions will be timed and a “power play” will be in effect if the player leaving the pitch takes too long. Throw-Ins have to be executed within six seconds or possession shifts to the other team. I like these changes.
Who will go through a disastrous group stage exit?
Don T: IMHO, you gotta be at least a knockout stage perennial to get this distinction. Imma go with Croatia. If I must be consistent, let it be in hate.
Horatio: USA.
Ballsy: Oh, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE if England was eliminated at the group stage. It probably won’t happen, but one can dream.
Ya buyin’ the Norway hype?
Don T: Oh sí.
No ha empezado el Mundial y Noruega ya tiene las 3 mejores fotos de equipo.
La primera antes de viajar, disfrazados de vikingos.
La segunda, su foto oficial, con la camiseta de Noruega, todos perfectamente alineados.
La tercera, ahora, todos los jugadores con las camisetas de… pic.twitter.com/At5F11DN0l
— Juez Central (@Juezcentral) June 9, 2026
Horatio: I really want to, but no. Haaland is obviously a menace but I’m not sure how healthy Odegaard is and I’m not sure they have anyone of any note besides those to.
Nor am I about to look it up.
I say they get out of the Group Stage then meet the same fate as Harald Hardrada at Stamford Bridge.
Ballsy: ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY! LOOK AT THOSE PICTURES!!
Will the three CONCACAF hosts enter the knockouts?
Don T: Mostly. México Lindo, in like an admin. MEX has the easiest group (IMHO): Czechia and the Souths (Korea & Africa).
Canadá has Qatar in the group, which is an automatic three points, and perhaps qualification by itself if CAN defeats QAT by 3+ goals. A tie with group mates Switzerland or Bosnia and/or Herzegovina—it’s there for the Canadian pluckin’.
The U.S.A. must deal with Australia, Paraguay, and Turkey, none of which is a slouch. Full disclosure: I’m hate-rooting for the U.S.A. to advance, although NAWT at the expense of Paraguay #Obvio
Horatio: All three do, Mexico on merit, Canada on some goofy-ass luck, and the USA on chicanery.
Ballsy: What Horatio said. For the exact same reasons.
Which team’s loss will bring the greatest joy?
Don T: Gotta go with France and Argentina. Both teams are ridiculously stackT and therefore must be eliminated by lesser teams at Lesser.
Horatio: Don’s reasoning is sound, Your Honor, and I respectfully adopt his briefing of his issue as my own.
Ballsy: Got to throw England in there. Waa waa! We invented the game! Waa waa!
Suck it up, buttercup! You ain’t winning shit!
What special activity (i.e., NOT going to the bathroom), do you plan to do during mandatory hydration breaks?
Don T: Aside from dicking around the web (duh), preparing an overproduced sandwich—i.e., any that requires a knife, heat, and has 4+ ingredients. Prepping during the 1st hydration break and assembly during the 2nd, while typical of Uruguayan rule-bending, would be uncouth. One break = one sammich.
Horatio: Probably pay attention to whatever hearing I’ve been half-assing my way through while “working from home.
Ballsy: At work: answer three emails, hold two meetings, and take a look out my office window. At home: pee.
This Mundial has been called the FIFA Epstein Cup. Thoughts?
Don T: Has zing, but undermines CAN & MEX as hosts. Never undermine hosts who take pains to be hospitable, especially when compared to The Great Satan. End of take.
Horatio: Meh. There’s no evidence Epstein had any interest in soccer, and plenty of evidence he didn’t follow sports beyond Little League, Pony at most.
Ballsy: I think we’ve gotten to the point that Epstein is played out. You can’t blame everything on him or pretend that the shit he did wasn’t done by someone else before him.
There’s nothing new under the sun. He wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last.
Having said that, we just had World Cups in Qatar and Russia. Corruption Cups have been around for a LONG time. It’s a FIFA Family Tradition!
Will the heat be a factor in this WC?
Don T: I hope it ruins every performance by ENG and the Europeen teams*, the four consensus semifinalists in all predictions I’ve seen.
* By which I mean all teams east from the Pyrenees mountains, where Europe supposedly starts (source: racists). The 2022 European Euros changed my mind about España (by far the most entertaining and superior team at that tourney), and wouldn’t mind if Portugal wins it all.
Horatio: Yes, and it’s about time.
Ballsy: It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity. That’s the thing that will fuck with teams. The only question is who will suffer and who will take advantage. That’s hard to predict
Who will win the damn thing?
Don T: A Hispanic country. Best I can do is a wishcast 😉
Horatio:
Again, no idea what I’m talking about. None. At all.
Ballsy: I don’t know why I’m saying this, but the Netherlands. SEX SHOWS FOR EVERYONE!
MUNDIAL OPENER
México Lindo v. South Africa. Right now at 2 Central, from CDMX. Vamos.
LAST CALL FOR DFO WORLD CUP POOL! Dive in, fuckos
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