Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 1, 2026 Season

Football is the greatest sport EVAR designed and/or played by mankind.  The National Football League is the single greatest business endeavoUr in human history.  Nothing else comes close, nor ever will.  As such, we started our next iteration of perfection, Sunday 13 September.

Did you know that Cooper Rush, former dick-shitting backup in Dallas, was now 3rd man up in Atlanta?  Well, you know now.  At least if you like Yinzburgh, who were gifted a Week 1 win, 20-13.  Still, the entire margin came from a Q4 pick 6 by Watt, and further aided by two Folk Implosion placement misses.  God, what a lucky bunch of assdicks.

We could have seen a 60-burger in Hippo’s hometown, but the man who went for 4th and 1 at his own 21 in the 2nd goddamned QUARTER (and failed), wouldn’t go for two after a late garbage time TD run.  59-37 will have to do, a very sad day for the Black Panthers indeed.  Hippo also mostly punted on the (so he thought) overhyped carnival of Bearistocrats! fantasy production.  Just keep in mind – I am WAY too stupid to live.  Why is ANYONE reading this pablum??

tOSU blew a 20-point lead in Austin on Saturday night.  Redshirt’s professional squadron flirted with squandering a dominant defensive performance (which built a 21-3 Q2 lead), but never quite tipped over into the abyss.  Border Patrol was solid, Burrow threw an AWFUL pick 6 late, but they otherwise kept their shit together.  Baker, Baker, the Turnover Maker?  Lived up to his moniker.  33-27, Cincy wins at home over the MRSA Men.

Hard to imagine a worse opening to a season than getting blown the fuck out.  At home.  To the JEST.  But that is indeed what happened to Tennessee.  DonT can’t possibly light enough candles for this shit.  Most emblematic of the failure?  Tits flagged for having 12 men on the field (on defense).  Result of the play?  A walk-in Breece Hall TD run.  Just shambolic stuff.  Only garbage time made the score non-shameful, 23-10.  Yeah, I know it’s Week One.  But abandon all hope in Nashville.

But maybe not even the Clubhouse leader for worst team in the NFL.  Because #ThePauls are still lingering (like a bad case of hemmorhoids), this week #ThePauling in North Florida.  Jaguras scored early and often, with Prison Girlfriend (4 TD passes) basically calling it a dat after the first drive of Q3.  Duuuuuuval with an easy-peasy 34-10 victory.

Let’s not sleep on Indianapolis, though.  They looked absolutely awful on every non-Jonathan Taylor level.  Post-Harbs Ravens?  Uh, they looked pretty pretty pretty good – especially with Lamar! putting on his flannel cape and returning to superhero mode.  Zay Flowers got a hamstring owie, but he played long enough to murder you in fantasy anyway.  Unless your team countered with el Tractorcito, who ran Fat Hump defenders over with zest and style.  41-23 Ratbirds, and even that scoreline is flattering to the home side.

We can’t quite cede Surly Duff supremacy to Jacksonville quite yet, though.  Houston may be 0-1, but they certainly put up an epic fight to make Brokeback earn that 36-31 win.  You saw the full spectrum of “Girl With the Golden Curl” play from Allen, who threw an absolute dart for the winning score (to a 4th or 5th WR, for his only catch of the game).  That was ONE PLAY after (despite being in FG range) tossing up a complete up-for-grabs pass that the 500s cornerback just flat-out dropped.  Hit him right between the numbers, and so off-target that the receiver couldn’t even play defense.  Fine margins, y’all.  CJ Stroud – who had his moments – kept it interesting in the 1:00 drill, getting to 1st and goal at the 9 before imploding.  Buffalo hangs oin, 36-31.  Seems likely we’ll see a January re-match in WNY.

That didn’t quite make the grade as our best game of the early slate, because we got a whole tray of bananacakes in the Motor City.  Our Fuck Lions looked to be back to fucking, building a 21-nil lead.  Baby Buster was inconsistent, but Gibbs was running wild and the defense locking shit down.  But I guess they ran out of gas or some shit, because fuckup after fuckup ensued, as N’Awlins tied things at 24 inside of 2:00.  A 3 and out and MOAR shitty pass defense allowed the Saints to try a 62-yarder at the gun to win – which they missed (wide right and maybe a yard and a half short).

Extra Time beckoned. Detroit opening play with a long, steady TD march (short pass to Sun God to cap things off).  Naturally, the Lion D fucked up chance after chance to make a stop, and Shough ultimately found Noah Fant to respond.  There was too much time remaining to simply accept Most Glorious Draw, but not enough time to try for a defensive stop and winning FG.  So, they quite logically went for two, and the play had no chance.  DET sucks out, as undeserved as it seemed.  31-30 (OT).

Four in the late window, nicely split by Ginger Hammer’s people.

Miami reckoned to be really, really bad, as they try to cold turkey get out of salary cap gaol.  First week?  They certainly didn’t disappoint, making the home Raiders look like a downright professional operation.  Klint Kubiak seems to have a much better concept of how to use Ashton Jeanty in the offense.  Jeanty caught a pair of TD passes, not sure he caught 2 passes in all of 2025.  Malik Willis made some plays, both positive and negative.  Same as it ever was.  But might as well be interesting with your placeholder QB.  Vegas with a leisurely 27-13 win.

An early cheap shot sent Wee Kyler into the locker room, and one reckons he’ll be out a few weeks (nasty concussion).  Dakota Jeebus came in and was kind of bad.  But not JJ McCarthy-calibre bad, and GB just kept letting the Vikes hang around.  Before you knew it – margin down to 22-17 as we enter Q4.  On the decisive drive, the Packers had the Vikes stuffed THREE times, only to commit very stupid, bailout BLEERGHs.  Octopus makes it 25-22 Minny, followed by shambolic blocking and a sack fumble.  Mason punches in another score to complete the one yard drive and we’re done here (32-22, MIN).  Just a ridiculous loss, even by this soft bunch’s standards.  Then another cherry on the top garbage time tuddy, 39-22.  Yeesh.

Arizona has mastered the art of the “credible loss” – once again, the Qards outplayed the listless home favoUrite (Clippers) through 3, building a 16-14 lead that felt like it should be bigger.  Only the script flipped for 2026 – Brissett and a surprisingly swarming defense took charge, and kept the boot on the collective throat.  26-14, as McDaniel’s sloppy crew never threatened.

Philly played a dangerous game letting the Commies stick around, producing only intermittently competent offense (still waaaayyyyyy too reliant on Hurts running the ball).  Daniels had a brutal day passing, yet kept somehow dragging his team into the end zone late.  But Philly matched the first Q4 score, so WAS needed the two pointer to tie things up late.  The shovel pass got stuffed, and Iggles hold on for a sloppy 24-22 win.

Sunday Night in Jersey, who could say no to that?  Well, fuck, I guess I’ll at least watch the first half.  2026’s VEP might still be a bit shit, but they’ll at least not be soft.  I see them as a 6 or 7-win team, but with Special Needs Division “competition” who knows?  Dallas continues to have ol’ ham head and a bunch of highly athletic moe-rons all over the field.  But once the N-GCp tied things at 7, one could sense the way the wind was blowing.  I’mma load the dishwasher (not a euphamism) and go to sleep.

Donks (WOO!!!??) tomorrow.  Be there, or be a rhombus.